Besides feeling depressed at the holidays after a loved one's death, many people feel angry. According to the late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, anger is one of the five stages of grief (shock/denial, anger, bargaining,depression, and acceptance).
Of course there are many reasons we feel anger, but I have found that anger is a stage of grief that is very problematic for many people.
Anger as an emotion briefly explored
Anger is one of the two impulses of the "fight or flight" response that we share with the animals. With this response we make a snap judgment about real or perceived threats. We impulsively judge whether we can stay and fight or whether we had better run. If we judge that we can handle the threat, we stay. If we do not feel that we can handle the threat, we feel the emotion of anxiety which drives us to safety (to remember what this is like--remember the last time a lightning strike felt too close to you).
Anger also is a normal human emotion that we feel that in response to pain or a threat. When we feel pain or a threat to our safety or well-being, the emotion of anger energizes us to step up and defend our territory, safety and our dignity.
The mind and body instantly work together when we feel anger. The energy is provided by adrenalin. Our muscles and jaws get tight. Our skin gets red because blood races to all parts of the body--especially the skin. Our hearts beat faster. Our breathing becomes rapid. We talk with a raised pitch, faster pace and louder voice that warns others we are angry. Anger makes us uncomfortable--we do not like it--but it does a job to help us to respond in dangerous situations.
Anger comes in different flavors and intensities.
There are several intensities of anger. When we are mildly angry we tend to be perturbed, annoyed, critical, skeptical, and irritated. When we are moderately angry we are hurt and mad. When we are severely angry we are enraged and engulfed in anger.
Anger also has several flavors. Frustration is when anger and confusion are mixed. Jealousy is when fear and anger are mixed. Sarcasm is a strange mix of anger and humor. The Feelings Wheel by Gloria Wilcox is a helpful diagram to see other flavors and intensities of feelings and can be Googled or an older version can be found at http://www.getrelationshiphelp.com/dls/feeling_wheel.pdf
Anger can be shown in both words and behavior or both. Ideally, individuals would be able to stay "I am angry." However, many people are scared to say that and are passive and do not speak up but stuff it. What I think is more the case is passive-aggressive anger, where a person first passively gives into something offensive or hurtful, and then seeks to punish the perceived offender with an back-handed angry word or a sneaky act of revenge.
How one shows anger indicates maturity level, self-esteem, and confidence. As we mature as adults, it is assumed that we show maturity in how we are angry--we ideally are supposed to be assertive and say I am angry or be able to make a wise choice whether it is best to ignore someone's anger or respond to it. Children are impulsive when they are angry. With maturity and emotional intelligence we are supposed to show self-control, be more rational and use our thinking capacity so as to reduce our impulsivity.
With good self-esteem, we have confidence that we are angry for good reason. We have a sense of faith that our anger is valid and that our concerns are genuine. People who have low self-esteem tend to believe that they are only angry for stupid or worthless reasons.
Anger as a stage of grief
In grief, the anger stage is a time of analysis or thinking through things. When we have a significant loss we look at the causes. We look at regrets. We get angry at others. We angry at the deceased. We get angry at God. We get angry at ourselves. We tend to make a 360-degree analysis of everything.
When we are angry at ourselves, we feel guilt. The guilt is usually along the lines what you should have, could have, and would have done.
I think that the anger stage can be very consuming. One person I had a chance to be close to when they lost a parent was angry a lot and angry at many things. That person yelled a lot. There was no pleasing that person.
If someone cannot handle anger or deal with anger, they tend to become stuck in the anger stage of grief. They can become clinically depressed and their life can be put on hold. I have had many patients over the years who were stuck in anger and much of the work had to do with recognizing, accepting, and being angry so they could get on with their lives.
Anger and the family at Christmas (when it comes to grief)
In future blog entries, I plan to look at dealing with angry family members. But for now, if there has been a loss in the family in the past year,you may encounter some anger in other family members or you may find yourself angry at other family members.
A lot of families are downright scared of anger. Maybe it is a history of anger problems, or maybe is a rigid interpretation of some Bible verses.
Families generally have unwritten rules about feelings--especially anger. The rules include whether it is okay to be angry. The rules also may include who can be angry, and what ways of anger expression are appropriate.
What seems to happen quite often is that people do not understand or have insight that they are in the anger stage of grief. What happens at some holiday family gatherings after the loss of a loved one is that people yell at each other in a impulsive manner, a great disturbance happens and lines get drawn. Maybe family gatherings are ruined for good or maybe one gets labeled as the black sheep.
If the anger s related to what that person did or did not do when the loved one died, than you are dealing with grief and loss. Dealing with this anger is a process. People need to feel it and work through it.
Opinions vary but I would like to think that the concept of working through anger does not have to be complicated. Sometimes some one processes it well by talking about it with a friend, support person, or support group and admitting they have anger.
I also think that people may need to listen to what the anger is telling you, and whether or not you need to do something--like respectfully tell someone that you have anger at them. A danger here is if you are telling some who is immature or overly sensitive--you may get yourself more trouble than relief.
Listening and hearing versus immediately becoming defensive
If you are dealing with grief and loss in your family or life and you are on the receiving end of someone's anger, you will more likely than not be on the defensive side. After all, you and I are first humans and have emotions and have the tendency to react emotionally.
The natural reaction is to become defensive and angry. At the core we want to protect ourselves. We don't want to be hurt, and so we might be angry in return. However, many adults with low self-esteem and low self-confidence go back to being a child when someone is angry and are either petrified or terrified when someone is angry.
Two people who are angry at each other tend to escalate and make things worse. Both people are evidencing the tendency that they are now in a competition and that they can fight and win. They will get louder and meaner as they continue the argument. This can get worse if alcohol has been consumed. Alcohol reduces someone's judgment and increases their impulsivity. Whether some has been drinking or not . . . if left unchecked, words become fists, which leads to phone calls to police or law enforcement and a disrupted holiday celebration.
Listening to an angry person with healthy self-control is a skill. When you are listening to a family member who is newly angry with you related to the death of the loved one, you are choosing not to be competitive and you do not have to win an argument. You are practicing calmness and the belief that it is necessary to be calm when the other person is shaking and angry. You you feel confident in what you believe about anger.
Listening in this case does not necessarily mean that you are being a door mat. If you agree that you have a reason to apologize--you say "I'm sorry." However, you may also tell them that you thank them for telling you their feelings, but you do not feel guilty. If they are becoming insulting and abusive, you are able to tell them that you have showed them respect in listening to them, but you are not going to tolerate abuse and if they do not stop using such words, you are going to end the conversation.
Mind you, this is easier said than done. If you have questions, you can make a comment, and I will take my best shot at giving you an answer.
In my next post, I will discuss the other stages of grief and loss, and how they relate to holiday problems.
Of course there are many reasons we feel anger, but I have found that anger is a stage of grief that is very problematic for many people.
Anger as an emotion briefly explored
Anger is one of the two impulses of the "fight or flight" response that we share with the animals. With this response we make a snap judgment about real or perceived threats. We impulsively judge whether we can stay and fight or whether we had better run. If we judge that we can handle the threat, we stay. If we do not feel that we can handle the threat, we feel the emotion of anxiety which drives us to safety (to remember what this is like--remember the last time a lightning strike felt too close to you).
Anger also is a normal human emotion that we feel that in response to pain or a threat. When we feel pain or a threat to our safety or well-being, the emotion of anger energizes us to step up and defend our territory, safety and our dignity.
The mind and body instantly work together when we feel anger. The energy is provided by adrenalin. Our muscles and jaws get tight. Our skin gets red because blood races to all parts of the body--especially the skin. Our hearts beat faster. Our breathing becomes rapid. We talk with a raised pitch, faster pace and louder voice that warns others we are angry. Anger makes us uncomfortable--we do not like it--but it does a job to help us to respond in dangerous situations.
Anger comes in different flavors and intensities.
There are several intensities of anger. When we are mildly angry we tend to be perturbed, annoyed, critical, skeptical, and irritated. When we are moderately angry we are hurt and mad. When we are severely angry we are enraged and engulfed in anger.
Anger also has several flavors. Frustration is when anger and confusion are mixed. Jealousy is when fear and anger are mixed. Sarcasm is a strange mix of anger and humor. The Feelings Wheel by Gloria Wilcox is a helpful diagram to see other flavors and intensities of feelings and can be Googled or an older version can be found at http://www.getrelationshiphelp.com/dls/feeling_wheel.pdf
Anger can be shown in both words and behavior or both. Ideally, individuals would be able to stay "I am angry." However, many people are scared to say that and are passive and do not speak up but stuff it. What I think is more the case is passive-aggressive anger, where a person first passively gives into something offensive or hurtful, and then seeks to punish the perceived offender with an back-handed angry word or a sneaky act of revenge.
How one shows anger indicates maturity level, self-esteem, and confidence. As we mature as adults, it is assumed that we show maturity in how we are angry--we ideally are supposed to be assertive and say I am angry or be able to make a wise choice whether it is best to ignore someone's anger or respond to it. Children are impulsive when they are angry. With maturity and emotional intelligence we are supposed to show self-control, be more rational and use our thinking capacity so as to reduce our impulsivity.
With good self-esteem, we have confidence that we are angry for good reason. We have a sense of faith that our anger is valid and that our concerns are genuine. People who have low self-esteem tend to believe that they are only angry for stupid or worthless reasons.
Anger as a stage of grief
In grief, the anger stage is a time of analysis or thinking through things. When we have a significant loss we look at the causes. We look at regrets. We get angry at others. We angry at the deceased. We get angry at God. We get angry at ourselves. We tend to make a 360-degree analysis of everything.
When we are angry at ourselves, we feel guilt. The guilt is usually along the lines what you should have, could have, and would have done.
I think that the anger stage can be very consuming. One person I had a chance to be close to when they lost a parent was angry a lot and angry at many things. That person yelled a lot. There was no pleasing that person.
If someone cannot handle anger or deal with anger, they tend to become stuck in the anger stage of grief. They can become clinically depressed and their life can be put on hold. I have had many patients over the years who were stuck in anger and much of the work had to do with recognizing, accepting, and being angry so they could get on with their lives.
Anger and the family at Christmas (when it comes to grief)
In future blog entries, I plan to look at dealing with angry family members. But for now, if there has been a loss in the family in the past year,you may encounter some anger in other family members or you may find yourself angry at other family members.
A lot of families are downright scared of anger. Maybe it is a history of anger problems, or maybe is a rigid interpretation of some Bible verses.
Families generally have unwritten rules about feelings--especially anger. The rules include whether it is okay to be angry. The rules also may include who can be angry, and what ways of anger expression are appropriate.
What seems to happen quite often is that people do not understand or have insight that they are in the anger stage of grief. What happens at some holiday family gatherings after the loss of a loved one is that people yell at each other in a impulsive manner, a great disturbance happens and lines get drawn. Maybe family gatherings are ruined for good or maybe one gets labeled as the black sheep.
If the anger s related to what that person did or did not do when the loved one died, than you are dealing with grief and loss. Dealing with this anger is a process. People need to feel it and work through it.
Opinions vary but I would like to think that the concept of working through anger does not have to be complicated. Sometimes some one processes it well by talking about it with a friend, support person, or support group and admitting they have anger.
I also think that people may need to listen to what the anger is telling you, and whether or not you need to do something--like respectfully tell someone that you have anger at them. A danger here is if you are telling some who is immature or overly sensitive--you may get yourself more trouble than relief.
Listening and hearing versus immediately becoming defensive
If you are dealing with grief and loss in your family or life and you are on the receiving end of someone's anger, you will more likely than not be on the defensive side. After all, you and I are first humans and have emotions and have the tendency to react emotionally.
The natural reaction is to become defensive and angry. At the core we want to protect ourselves. We don't want to be hurt, and so we might be angry in return. However, many adults with low self-esteem and low self-confidence go back to being a child when someone is angry and are either petrified or terrified when someone is angry.
Two people who are angry at each other tend to escalate and make things worse. Both people are evidencing the tendency that they are now in a competition and that they can fight and win. They will get louder and meaner as they continue the argument. This can get worse if alcohol has been consumed. Alcohol reduces someone's judgment and increases their impulsivity. Whether some has been drinking or not . . . if left unchecked, words become fists, which leads to phone calls to police or law enforcement and a disrupted holiday celebration.
Listening to an angry person with healthy self-control is a skill. When you are listening to a family member who is newly angry with you related to the death of the loved one, you are choosing not to be competitive and you do not have to win an argument. You are practicing calmness and the belief that it is necessary to be calm when the other person is shaking and angry. You you feel confident in what you believe about anger.
Listening in this case does not necessarily mean that you are being a door mat. If you agree that you have a reason to apologize--you say "I'm sorry." However, you may also tell them that you thank them for telling you their feelings, but you do not feel guilty. If they are becoming insulting and abusive, you are able to tell them that you have showed them respect in listening to them, but you are not going to tolerate abuse and if they do not stop using such words, you are going to end the conversation.
Mind you, this is easier said than done. If you have questions, you can make a comment, and I will take my best shot at giving you an answer.
In my next post, I will discuss the other stages of grief and loss, and how they relate to holiday problems.
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