The Fourth Sunday of Advent: Where is the feeling of the Love?

Today is the fourth Sunday in Advent where the Love Candle of the Advent Wreath is lit.  Of course in the context of the church, it is about the Love of God to give his only son for salvation for those who believe.  The sermon/homily and liturgy is usually about love. The problem is that people just do not feel love

This blog post will reflect on the concept of love and its lack in the life of the survivor.  It is not necessarily about romance and finding that special someone, although it has some implications for romance.

Love is an existential matter

For the purposes of this post is both a bizarre and complicated “thing.”  It is an emotion and it is an action.  What you intend as love is not always recognized and received in love.  Whether it is agape, brotherly love or romantic love, it should be an exchange and a bonding force in our relationship and a feeling of fulfillment. 

What makes Christmas tough when it comes to love is that we do not get the kind of love from our families that

• we may want
• believe we need or
• we believe we deserve.

Maybe expect love to be in the form of presents.  Maybe we expect love in the form of thoughtfulness, phone calls and cards.   Many of us crave love from our parents and other family members.

Just say it!!!!!

For many people, it will suffice for others to say “I love you.”  That is one of the toughest phrases to say.  You are taking a risk to say it to someone.   That means you are admitting you have some kind of good or positive feeling or affection for someone.  To say "I love you" and get rejected is very humiliating. 

I have had many patients who have stated that their father or mother never said “I love you” to them.   These people either lamented that mom or dad never said the phrase, or they resented mom and dad for never saying it.

Why can't they say, “I love you?”

The opinion varies as to why mom and dad cannot/could not say “I love you.”  Mom and Dad may have a number of problems.   Maybe he or she is abusive.  Maybe they have an addiction and are emotionally dead.  

Sometimes mom or dad have a psychiatric disorder.  Maybe it was a personality disorder or Schizophrenia.  Sometimes I think that mom and dads have autistic disorders.  With these disorders, the parents are somewhat rendered clueless as to what children need.

In fairness to the reader, if you are a survivor, it is a fair bet that dad are one too.   I think that it is because survivor behavior runs in families. Instead parents who are survivors are usually critical.  They never can admit that they are wrong.  They rarely tell you that you did a good job.  Instead they only tell you what you did wrong.  Moms and dads who are guarded and who live behind an emotional wall cannot even tell their kids that they love their kids.

If you cannot tell others that you love them take an inventory as to why you cannot.  You will likely identify the same reasons your parents cannot either.

The Quandary

Again, going on what is a fair bet, if you and your family have difficulty saying “I love you.”  As an adult you own some of the problem. You are one of the family who is not saying “I love you.” 

However, if you started staying I love you to your family members, you will probably get an embarrassed look as if you or they expelled some flatulence.   They could look like a deer in the headlights and run away.  Being told “I love you” is scary and intimate and it tends to make survivors run all the more back behind their walls.

A grief and loss situation

This is often a time of grief and loss that your parents or family cannot say “I love you” to each other and is not capable to meet the ideal of being a loving family.  Part of the growth is realizing that your parents are human and have their personal weaknesses. 

Realizing that your family is not going to meet your emotional needs is often a time for crying.  So many would love tenderness from mom and dad. 

Acceptance and moving on

Reaching acceptance does not necessarily make things better for a person, but maybe less worse.  Your parents and family will still be the same.  Your energy will hopefully be freed up from focusing on “why not” and focusing on meeting your need for affection and love. 

I do believe that we have the responsibility as adults to take charge of meeting our needs.  If you are one who is waiting on your family to meet your need of love, you will likely continue to be miserable and disappointed.  

This is not an easy conclusion, but you and I are responsible to giving our lives direction and meaning, and that includes finding people with whom we can love and in turn accept love. . 

What even makes this more complicated is that if you are a survivor who has trouble accepting the love of people without suspicion that people want something.  The reality is that much of the time love is just love at face value.  

There are many people who want nothing more than a relationship.  They do not care if you are rich or poor.  They do not care if you are anonymous or famous. 

If you are survivor you will likely need to take the risk or gamble and let people into your life.  The good news is that we do not do it all at once. 

 Here is how you do it--you go slow.  You start talking about yourself.  You start talking about your feelings.  You let other people choose the activities that you do together.  While this can be scary, it is not like it is a roller coaster ride, but a walk up and down low hills.