In the past I have had a number of clients/patients who were obsessed because their significant other's parent never accepted them. Birthdays, Sunday dinners and holidays were all days of frozen emotion and discomfort because the client was not made to feel welcome.
I came to conclusion after several years that the client took things too personally. They were stressing themselves out.
Taking it too personally
As children, we tend to be very self-centered. If someone develops in a healthy fashion there is a strong likelihood that you will get those balanced messages from your caregivers and families that the world does not revolve around you and that the things that other people do having nothing to do with you.
However, many people grow up with a variety of messages that are blaming when they reported things back to their parents. Anxious and overly self-conscious immediate demand of children: What did you do?
Note an example:
Child: Mom, Ms. Ferguson yelled at me when I passed by her house and told me to get away.
Mom: What did you do???? What did you say???
Now, Ms. Ferguson may be a total bitch with anger management problems who has little patience for children. She may be the neighborhood busy-body who needs to go and get a life, if she hasn't burned too many bridges. If mom has no backbone, she drills the thought into her kids that they are to blame for all of Ms. Ferguson's complaints. She raises paranoid and people-pleasing kids into paranoid and people-pleasing adults who are probably going to go to therapy and get put on medication.
Too many people take personal responsibility for the family holiday gathering to be perfect. They usually feel like a failure. Very few things in this world . . . if are perfect. They beat themselves up that they could not succeed. Well, the average family gathering is going to have some glitches. Some more than others.
Seeking balance
I think that people want discernment and wisdom in dealing with the behavior of family members and potential in-laws. People want to know that they haven't done anything wrong. People also want to avoid making people mad. People want to be at peace with the way they do things.
I think in seeking balance, there is the need to have faith and confidence in principles of human behavior and relationships.
Here are some of my principles in seeking balance in not taking things too personally.
1) Everyone is responsible for their own feelings
a) You are responsible for your feelings.
b) Others are responsible for their feelings.
2) People get mad for stupid reasons, and just because they are mad, does not mean you must get anxious or upset or do somethings to try to calm them down.
3) There are people out there who have no clue in how to have relationships.
a) Some are so self-absorbed that they have no coping ability to meet new people.
b) Some people just do not have social grace in saying hello to strangers and visitors.
c) Some never learned.
4) You do not have to search to see if people are angry with you.
a) It is the responsibility of the angry person to tell you if they are angry.
b) Trying to read minds and faces is a dead end.
5) Do not expect people to read your mind. They cannot.
6) Any new place you are going into has a history that was going on before you got there.
a) There are good things
b) There are bad secrets that people are trying to protect.
c) You are walking in to a situation you are going to learn about.
I don't know about you, but I know about me. I go into places and try to be a good consumer of what I see. I believe that I have a self-confidence of when people are being closed and arrogant and when they have open hearts and are being friendly. It took me years to figure out how to do this and feel confident.
In the next few days, I will expand on how we can be better consumers and not stress ourselves out when walking into awkward holiday celebration situations, including new in-law situations.
I came to conclusion after several years that the client took things too personally. They were stressing themselves out.
Taking it too personally
As children, we tend to be very self-centered. If someone develops in a healthy fashion there is a strong likelihood that you will get those balanced messages from your caregivers and families that the world does not revolve around you and that the things that other people do having nothing to do with you.
However, many people grow up with a variety of messages that are blaming when they reported things back to their parents. Anxious and overly self-conscious immediate demand of children: What did you do?
Note an example:
Child: Mom, Ms. Ferguson yelled at me when I passed by her house and told me to get away.
Mom: What did you do???? What did you say???
Now, Ms. Ferguson may be a total bitch with anger management problems who has little patience for children. She may be the neighborhood busy-body who needs to go and get a life, if she hasn't burned too many bridges. If mom has no backbone, she drills the thought into her kids that they are to blame for all of Ms. Ferguson's complaints. She raises paranoid and people-pleasing kids into paranoid and people-pleasing adults who are probably going to go to therapy and get put on medication.
Too many people take personal responsibility for the family holiday gathering to be perfect. They usually feel like a failure. Very few things in this world . . . if are perfect. They beat themselves up that they could not succeed. Well, the average family gathering is going to have some glitches. Some more than others.
Seeking balance
I think that people want discernment and wisdom in dealing with the behavior of family members and potential in-laws. People want to know that they haven't done anything wrong. People also want to avoid making people mad. People want to be at peace with the way they do things.
I think in seeking balance, there is the need to have faith and confidence in principles of human behavior and relationships.
Here are some of my principles in seeking balance in not taking things too personally.
1) Everyone is responsible for their own feelings
a) You are responsible for your feelings.
b) Others are responsible for their feelings.
2) People get mad for stupid reasons, and just because they are mad, does not mean you must get anxious or upset or do somethings to try to calm them down.
3) There are people out there who have no clue in how to have relationships.
a) Some are so self-absorbed that they have no coping ability to meet new people.
b) Some people just do not have social grace in saying hello to strangers and visitors.
c) Some never learned.
4) You do not have to search to see if people are angry with you.
a) It is the responsibility of the angry person to tell you if they are angry.
b) Trying to read minds and faces is a dead end.
5) Do not expect people to read your mind. They cannot.
6) Any new place you are going into has a history that was going on before you got there.
a) There are good things
b) There are bad secrets that people are trying to protect.
c) You are walking in to a situation you are going to learn about.
I don't know about you, but I know about me. I go into places and try to be a good consumer of what I see. I believe that I have a self-confidence of when people are being closed and arrogant and when they have open hearts and are being friendly. It took me years to figure out how to do this and feel confident.
In the next few days, I will expand on how we can be better consumers and not stress ourselves out when walking into awkward holiday celebration situations, including new in-law situations.
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