As an academic and as a professional, I have worked with many people who are survivors of childhood trauma. For many survivors of trauma, the trauma lingers in the memories at the holidays; it is not so nice to remember in December.
There are several types of childhood trauma: sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, accidental injury, and witnessing violent and catastrophic events. Many adults who had childhood traumas are affected at the holidays.
As a professional I have seen two general trends from survivors of childhood trauma: 1) overall avoidance of their families, and 2) struggling with flashbacks. As with many things, I admit that I may be over-simplifying matters.
The avoidance of family members and family gatherings comes from personal choice, or from rejection by family. Many people who suffered child abuse by parents and uncles and grandfathers run when they get the chance and do not look back. If the child reported the abuse and child welfare authorities came in and investigated, the child is made out to be the lying villain. There are problems either way.
The abused child.
A child who discloses the abuse is considered to be a traitor by spilling the family secrets. It is amazing how the adults in a family will engage in all-out psychological warfare to get the child to say that the child lied. The child who recants the allegation is allowed to be a second-class family member as they are branded to be a liar and not to be trusted, but they are still allowed by family. The child who sticks with the allegation may be rejected forever as a family member and becomes an orphan or is recognized as being dead to the family.
The person who did not disclose the child abuse out of fear and isolation has their problems later. Many families with the presence of active sexual abuse have ways of appearing very private and guarded. The child being abused is often made to feel isolated and helpless. Family boundaries are observed as being farther out than normal and strangers are given warning shots in the forms of dirty looks, strange tirades, and bizarre passive-aggressive gestures that the strangers will give up in trying to be friends.
Children are also perfect victims. The abuser also sends a regular warning message that reinforces the possible consequences of disclosure that can include death threats or making the child to be a heartless destroyer if they tell.
I still remember a patient telling about a step-father abusing her under the threat of killing her mother. The patient said that she continued to allow her step-father to abuse her because she thought she was saving her mother's life.
The surviving adult
Not all adults who suffered child abuse by family members are severely affected. Many adults have repressed memories of the abuse or just are not affected. However, many are affected either by having to deal with the pain of estrangement from family and/or the pain of flashbacks.
For the adult estranged from the family due to abuse, there can be a revisiting to the anger and sadness that estrangement brings. This person may still long for the ideal traditional family gathering where people love each other, and they revisit the feelings of grief that they do have it. This person has been cheated out of what is portrayed to be a normal family life, and the commercials at Christmas remind them of it.
For the adult who was abused by an uncle or grandfather, the holidays may mean potential contact with the abuser or perpetrator. I have had multiple patients who talked about how the abuser was liked by everyone else in the family. The repeating theme is that the rest of the family is denial about how this lovely person could ever do such a horrible thing.
The average survivor of childhood abuse or trauma has flashbacks either way. A flashback is essentially a nightmare that that you have when you are awake, but it is based on what actually happened to you. The flashbacks can be severe enough to take people out connection with reality.
Flashbacks are triggered by the different sensory experiences that we encounter. Someone can remind you of the trauma. A smell can take you back there. A sound can take you back there. A tactile sensation (something you feel) can take you back there. A taste can take you back. When you are taken back you feel fear and possibly terror and you are not necessarily being rational in your thinking. I have been told by a number of patients that I reminded them of their perpetrator, and I had to bring them to reality by reminding them that I was who I am and I was not that person.
Choices
Books have been written about coping with child abuse, and there is just so much that could be written about surviving the holidays if you have related to this. I will present some general options.
If you have been estranged or isolated from your family from the holidays due to childhood abuse, you have a choice of attempting reconciling or you have a choice of making the best of your situation.
You have a choice of making your holiday meaningful and as special as possible. If you are needing togetherness and belonging at the holiday, then that is what you might consider creating. I think that this is short notice for many people, but you may want to explore about hosting a gathering or find a gathering.
If you are being pressured to go to that family gathering where that perpetrator will be, you can say no.
Given how some of these family matriarchs and patriarchs can be, I cannot guarantee that you and your decision will be respected and you may be subject to persuasive shaming and self-pity.
It is possible that you will be reminded of gifts and money, and all that they have done for you. Family members giving money and gifts often buy silence and compliance. You may reluctantly choose to go because you feel you must.
If you are persuaded to go, you might choose to develop a survival plan. This survival plan can include 1) go for a limited period of time, 2) plan where you will be and who you will sit by to avoid the perpetrator, 3) what you do, say and talk about if you have to talk to the perpetrator, and 4) have your excuse for leaving and rehearse for when you plan to leave. If there is traveling involved to someone's house in another city, get a rental car and a hotel room to escape to. If you are interested in reading more about this type of survival plan, you can look at Kaplan's book When Holidays Are Hell. Go to this link: http://www.amazon.com/When-Holidays-Are-Hell-Gatherings/dp/0934252777/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323574038&sr=1-1 and buy it new or used. (I note here that I do not know Ms. Kaplan and I am independently recommending this book and I am not getting any compensation for recommending it).
One last choice you can make is to isolate and be by yourself. It is often the way of survivors. You are in control and you can choose to take your pain on yourself by isolating. I do not recommend this, but I also see that this choice to isolated may have other complications. If you are going to isolate and be by yourself on the holidays, then I would suggest that you do things that make you happy.
This is a difficult subject to have written about. In the end it is all about choices. We do not all have the same choices, but it is up to each of us to select among our options, and hopefully we will choose that which is going to be best choice for us. I do offer a message of hope: the holidays do not last forever. There are only 23 days until the third of January.
As a professional I have seen two general trends from survivors of childhood trauma: 1) overall avoidance of their families, and 2) struggling with flashbacks. As with many things, I admit that I may be over-simplifying matters.
The avoidance of family members and family gatherings comes from personal choice, or from rejection by family. Many people who suffered child abuse by parents and uncles and grandfathers run when they get the chance and do not look back. If the child reported the abuse and child welfare authorities came in and investigated, the child is made out to be the lying villain. There are problems either way.
The abused child.
A child who discloses the abuse is considered to be a traitor by spilling the family secrets. It is amazing how the adults in a family will engage in all-out psychological warfare to get the child to say that the child lied. The child who recants the allegation is allowed to be a second-class family member as they are branded to be a liar and not to be trusted, but they are still allowed by family. The child who sticks with the allegation may be rejected forever as a family member and becomes an orphan or is recognized as being dead to the family.
The person who did not disclose the child abuse out of fear and isolation has their problems later. Many families with the presence of active sexual abuse have ways of appearing very private and guarded. The child being abused is often made to feel isolated and helpless. Family boundaries are observed as being farther out than normal and strangers are given warning shots in the forms of dirty looks, strange tirades, and bizarre passive-aggressive gestures that the strangers will give up in trying to be friends.
Children are also perfect victims. The abuser also sends a regular warning message that reinforces the possible consequences of disclosure that can include death threats or making the child to be a heartless destroyer if they tell.
I still remember a patient telling about a step-father abusing her under the threat of killing her mother. The patient said that she continued to allow her step-father to abuse her because she thought she was saving her mother's life.
The surviving adult
Not all adults who suffered child abuse by family members are severely affected. Many adults have repressed memories of the abuse or just are not affected. However, many are affected either by having to deal with the pain of estrangement from family and/or the pain of flashbacks.
For the adult estranged from the family due to abuse, there can be a revisiting to the anger and sadness that estrangement brings. This person may still long for the ideal traditional family gathering where people love each other, and they revisit the feelings of grief that they do have it. This person has been cheated out of what is portrayed to be a normal family life, and the commercials at Christmas remind them of it.
For the adult who was abused by an uncle or grandfather, the holidays may mean potential contact with the abuser or perpetrator. I have had multiple patients who talked about how the abuser was liked by everyone else in the family. The repeating theme is that the rest of the family is denial about how this lovely person could ever do such a horrible thing.
The average survivor of childhood abuse or trauma has flashbacks either way. A flashback is essentially a nightmare that that you have when you are awake, but it is based on what actually happened to you. The flashbacks can be severe enough to take people out connection with reality.
Flashbacks are triggered by the different sensory experiences that we encounter. Someone can remind you of the trauma. A smell can take you back there. A sound can take you back there. A tactile sensation (something you feel) can take you back there. A taste can take you back. When you are taken back you feel fear and possibly terror and you are not necessarily being rational in your thinking. I have been told by a number of patients that I reminded them of their perpetrator, and I had to bring them to reality by reminding them that I was who I am and I was not that person.
Choices
Books have been written about coping with child abuse, and there is just so much that could be written about surviving the holidays if you have related to this. I will present some general options.
If you have been estranged or isolated from your family from the holidays due to childhood abuse, you have a choice of attempting reconciling or you have a choice of making the best of your situation.
You have a choice of making your holiday meaningful and as special as possible. If you are needing togetherness and belonging at the holiday, then that is what you might consider creating. I think that this is short notice for many people, but you may want to explore about hosting a gathering or find a gathering.
If you are being pressured to go to that family gathering where that perpetrator will be, you can say no.
Given how some of these family matriarchs and patriarchs can be, I cannot guarantee that you and your decision will be respected and you may be subject to persuasive shaming and self-pity.
It is possible that you will be reminded of gifts and money, and all that they have done for you. Family members giving money and gifts often buy silence and compliance. You may reluctantly choose to go because you feel you must.
If you are persuaded to go, you might choose to develop a survival plan. This survival plan can include 1) go for a limited period of time, 2) plan where you will be and who you will sit by to avoid the perpetrator, 3) what you do, say and talk about if you have to talk to the perpetrator, and 4) have your excuse for leaving and rehearse for when you plan to leave. If there is traveling involved to someone's house in another city, get a rental car and a hotel room to escape to. If you are interested in reading more about this type of survival plan, you can look at Kaplan's book When Holidays Are Hell. Go to this link: http://www.amazon.com/When-Holidays-Are-Hell-Gatherings/dp/0934252777/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323574038&sr=1-1 and buy it new or used. (I note here that I do not know Ms. Kaplan and I am independently recommending this book and I am not getting any compensation for recommending it).
One last choice you can make is to isolate and be by yourself. It is often the way of survivors. You are in control and you can choose to take your pain on yourself by isolating. I do not recommend this, but I also see that this choice to isolated may have other complications. If you are going to isolate and be by yourself on the holidays, then I would suggest that you do things that make you happy.
This is a difficult subject to have written about. In the end it is all about choices. We do not all have the same choices, but it is up to each of us to select among our options, and hopefully we will choose that which is going to be best choice for us. I do offer a message of hope: the holidays do not last forever. There are only 23 days until the third of January.
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