The gay or lesbian individual and the family at the holiday

This is going to be a delicately written post.    In the United States there is political landscape strewn with landmines when it comes to the subject of gay and lesbian (homosexual) issues.  Many people avoid this topic because of the grief that can be had from parties on both extreme sides.

Since this is an internationally read blog, the political issues are not going to be the same in other countries, but I think that it is worth writing because family issues are consistent across the globe.   The holidays remind us of our family problems because families are supposed to be together.  Many families are broken up because someone announces they are gay or lesbian and the holiday tends to be lonely for the isolated ones.

A story to set the tone

This story kind of sets my attitude towards this matter. 

A long time ago I was conducting a diverse therapy group that included an openly gay person and a Pentecostal Christian.  The Pentecostal had just joined that day.  A third group member had asked the gay person for some advice because the third person had a potentially gay relative.  After the gay person sounded very much like a junior therapist advising acceptance and tolerance, the Pentecostal immediately spoke up saying that they believed that homosexuality was not right and that God made “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”  (for those of you using translation software, it is a rhyming pun that may not translate well outside of English).

The gay person immediately shot back: “I don’t have to take this @#^&.”  All I could say was folks, we have to respect each other in our difference of opinions.  As far as I was concerned the gay person needed to be as tolerant of the Pentecostal as the Pentecostal should have been sensitive to the gay person.   They did not have to agree, but they did not need to shove each other’s view down each other’s throat.

They were both right, but in a sense they were both wrong. 

A divergence of views and the heart of the matter

In my experience there is a continuum of views when it comes to the acceptance of homosexuality.  On the far “left” there are families that are ambivalent whether a family member is gay or not.  On the far right there is rigidly conservative that view homosexuality as a merely sinful behavior that can be repented and turned from.   There are all kinds of middle views regarding this—but it seems to me that many people are all right with it if it does not happen in their families. As far as I am concerned it will be a long political fight over which side wins.

This post is not going to tell you what to believe about the matter of homosexuality.  Neither is it going to neither going to be about gay rights nor is it going to be condemning because when it comes down to the heart of the matter the question is . . .

Do you want a relationship with your family?

The danger of self-righteousness

In the context of family relationships, you can have your views, but legislation is only about legal matters (jobs, living arrangements, gay marriage).When it comes to the family there will be no legislation that can force a family to accept a family member who is gay or lesbian.  

I think that you can throw the words homophobia or homophobic around, and you are not going to make your relatives respect you any more.   Those words evoke a self-righteousness that will only further build up the walls between you and your family members. Social justice does not exactly work when it comes to families.

Furthermore, if you are the family member of a gay or lesbian, you are very unlikely going to get your family member to change.  You can preach to the family member the passages in the Bible that prohibit Homosexuality and you can argue about the interpretations of the Bible, but that too can build barriers between you and your gay family member.

Are Negotiations Possible?

In the spirit of respecting both the gay person and the family, a reasonable question is: are negotiations possible?  There are no guarantees as to whether this can happen.  Both sides may have their non-negotiables.  The religious family may not allow the gay family member’s partner to come and share the same room.  The gay family member may refuse to go anywhere without the partner.   Again, there is the question of: do you want to have a relationship? 

I do think that negotiations require a maturity on the parts of both parties.  If either side is immature or has the presence of a personality disorder, it stops being about the principle and all about the person. 

I think that also respect for the other’s point of view is key.  These are deeply entrenched views on both parts.  Relationships include agreeing to disagree.

Closing thought.

I am about families being together at the holidays.  I realize that it is not always going to be possible.  If there can be peace, I hope that it can begin with us and our families. 

I think that there is worthwhile in trying to see if you can reconcile with your family or family member in some way.  If you were not successful, there hopefully is the satisfaction that you tried.   Maybe in the future you can try again.