I have posted earlier about how I think people obsess and build up tension weeks before the holidays. Part of the tension has to do with people focusing on their anger triggers and how other family members pull the trigger.
We hate the anger we will feel when some rude, cruel, and abusive family member brings up some past issue that embarrasses us or humilitates us in front of other people. We hate the anger we feel when family members mock us in front of the group. As I have mentioned earlier that anger is a painful and uncomfortable feeling to have--we just cannot stuff it and let it go many times because of what it does to our cardiovascular and nervous systems.
Therefore, many people who are dreading family holiday gatherings and thinking about avoiding them are likely stressing over the family members who are going to make them mad. As I have mentioned in yesterday's post, everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
I admit that this is easier said than done. In my journey of life, it has been both a commitment and a process. I have made my mistakes and I have grown and had my so-called victories in this matter.
A sad but true tradition
For many families a tradition is to start arguments, insult each other and keep the anger going at holidays. I mentioned in an earlier post that traditions bond us in our relationships. Families are strangely bonded in their secrets and in their ongoing pain. The power of anger somehow draws us to dwell on how we can exact revenge at the next holiday in a creative and self-righteous manner. The past hurts never seem to get resolved and forgiven and sometimes it seems that the argument gets picked up right where it left off at the last family gathering.
Some families have a lot of anger too that comes out at other times than the holidays. I recall one family I was working with in family preservation. They seemed to focus on each other's triggers and were all about doing each other "dirty." Life in that family was all about who could get back at the other in the most hurtful yet creative way. It was a sick family full of immature adults with much anger that seemed to make a game out of pushing each other's buttons or pulling each other's triggers.
In the English language there is a saying that "blood is thicker than water." The assumption is that we are expected to tolerate the immature, stupid and abusive behavior of family members just because they are family members. We are to let their hurtful comments slide or find a way to swallow pain and pride because they are family. It is assumed that our behavior standards are to be less for family members than for people outside the family, and thus we are supposed to find some way to tolerate the trigger-pulling.
This does create a internal conflict for many people. They are pulled in two directions as they both want to avoid their families because of the button pushing and trigger-pulling but they also feel that they must be with family because it is the right thing to do.
The trigger pullers--everyone
While most families have their share of addicts, borderline personalities and narcissists who have no insight and poor judgment about their poor choices, everyone has the equal opportunity to push buttons.
Of course narcissists and borderline personalities are so self-absorbed and are victims in their own minds that they attack first because they live in their private worlds of attack or be attacked.
However, it is likely that everyone will push buttons knowingly and unknowingly by bringing up the past or by stumbling upon some topic that is sensitive. Or maybe some of us go back into our inner child and find the bad stuff and act childish for a few hours each year because we are back with family. Outside our families we can look one way, but on the inside it can be a totally different picture.
The only triggers that you can control are your own
I think that many people do dread pushing the buttons by other family members. I think that this is a waste of time and energy. There is the difference between a commitment to be polite and decent versus being paranoid and walking on eggshells. (I plan to write later on this in a future post).
The reality is . . . that you can only have control over your own triggers. You are the only one who can have control over your feelings. I find that to say "you make me mad" to someone else is a 'cop-out' and a a surrendering of your personal power to someone else.
If Uncle Bob is going after Cousin Henrietta at the table and railing against her about what she did in 2000 by not inviting Bob's daughter from his first marriage to her wedding, it is Henrietta's responsibility to handle it. Jumping in and rescuing Henrietta only gets you into drama. Despite how tender or immature Henrietta is, only Henrietta can be responsible for her own triggers--not you.
Anger can be powerful and when we become angry we can be impulsive. I think that the real matter is that we do not have a plan for how we want to be when someone pushes our buttons. Mind you, this is not about the come back you will retort, but it is about acting more mature. I think that the plan starts out with a fearless inventory of your triggers and what you will plan to do if someone tries to pull the trigger.
What are you most embarassed about?
I bet that if you gave it a little thought right now you could think about what your triggers are. If you need a little help, a good question is:
What are you most sensitive or embarrassed about?
Besides a bit painful to ponder, the information that this yields will tell you your triggers. You can even expand on this list and identify a number of your triggers.
I do not think that you and I can identify all of our triggers. We discover our triggers as we live our lives. New ones will come up. If you do not have a long list, that is okay--start with what you have.
What mature response will you make when the family member tries to pull your trigger?
Running through some possible "scripts" of what you can say when a family member pushes your button and writing them down can be quite helpful. I think that these possibilities should be responses that are calmly spoken and mature. These scripts should be brief and not long. Some possibilities could include phrases:
1) I do not want to talk about it.
2) I would rather you not talk about it.
3) If you wish to talk about this with me later, I can do that, but otherwise, I do not want to talk about it.
4) You may be right (This one I learned from Leo Buscaglia)
The last option basically takes away the competition. I think that people hear "You may be right" as "You are right." You have conceded nothing when you say this, and it may catch them off guard because you are not arguing.
Can you ignore the trigger and say nothing. There is often a lot of power in not responding. When you respond sometimes, you give the cheap shot credibility.
What will you NOT say?
I think that a standard for statements you should not make is:
I think that you can make a similar list of phrases that you should avoid when someone makes a statement that pushes your buttons. My short list of statements to avoid include:
1) Shut up.
2) F**k you.
3) Go to Hell.
How long does it take before people start to push buttons or pull triggers?
Family members start to pull triggers and push buttons after a certain period of time. When there has been a lot of time on people's hands and people get bored, then the words fly or slip out.
If you have an assessment of that point of time, then you may want to make plans to leave by that time. It is not always easy to get away, but manufacturing truthful excuses for why you cannot stay is okay in my book.
What will you do if the idiot relative will not give up?
Let's say your family has some of those adult relatives who are bent on getting others angry, what do you do? Depending on how drunk they are or how emotionally impaired they are, they will keep going. I myself have a relative that is downright insatiable in picking with others and making criticism after criticism. As old as the relative is, this has never learned to be quiet and respect others.
This is a personal choice, but some options could be:.
1) Set a limit by saying: "If you continue talking about this subject, I am leaving."
2) Go to the process of what is happening "You seem to have this need to talk about my faults."
(Warning--you may be pushing a button in return.)
3) (see above) Leave before this happens.
Who are the ones most likely to engage in button pushing?
I think that it is fairly easy to identify the ones in your family who appear to like to push buttons. They also seem to be the ones who like to control and play control games. I have found many times that the ones who like to play control games use button-pushing as a game-move. However, some people who are already in control, use trigger-pulling and button-pushing to maintain their control.
You do not have to be in competition
Part of the tension and stress of dealing with the button-pushers or trigger pullers is a unrealized belief or inherent assumption that you are in competiion with these characters. For there to be a game, at least two people have to play.
The game-playing in button pushing and trigger-pulling includes anger-driven one-up-manship, and trying to get the better of the other person. Family members engaged in button-pushing often feel that they must prove something to the button-pusher.
I think that the amount of anxiety that can be reduced is amazing when you take yourself out of competition. So much tension gets reduced when you stop dwelling on this losing situation anyway.
Disclaimer--you may have to decide which is going to be more painful?
As I close this post, I go back to the memory of the client family that had a habit of "doing dirty." I have encountered adults of all ages who are so careless and thoughtless and so angry that they have no sense of self-control. They can be so cruel and abusive in the way they push buttons. In turn other adult family members will join in on the abuse either out of fear or diversion (better you than them).
There is a tension between being able to cope with triggers and respecting yourself by avoiding abusive and cruel people. This is a very individual decision in which each of us must make for ourselves.
We hate the anger we will feel when some rude, cruel, and abusive family member brings up some past issue that embarrasses us or humilitates us in front of other people. We hate the anger we feel when family members mock us in front of the group. As I have mentioned earlier that anger is a painful and uncomfortable feeling to have--we just cannot stuff it and let it go many times because of what it does to our cardiovascular and nervous systems.
Therefore, many people who are dreading family holiday gatherings and thinking about avoiding them are likely stressing over the family members who are going to make them mad. As I have mentioned in yesterday's post, everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
I admit that this is easier said than done. In my journey of life, it has been both a commitment and a process. I have made my mistakes and I have grown and had my so-called victories in this matter.
A sad but true tradition
For many families a tradition is to start arguments, insult each other and keep the anger going at holidays. I mentioned in an earlier post that traditions bond us in our relationships. Families are strangely bonded in their secrets and in their ongoing pain. The power of anger somehow draws us to dwell on how we can exact revenge at the next holiday in a creative and self-righteous manner. The past hurts never seem to get resolved and forgiven and sometimes it seems that the argument gets picked up right where it left off at the last family gathering.
Some families have a lot of anger too that comes out at other times than the holidays. I recall one family I was working with in family preservation. They seemed to focus on each other's triggers and were all about doing each other "dirty." Life in that family was all about who could get back at the other in the most hurtful yet creative way. It was a sick family full of immature adults with much anger that seemed to make a game out of pushing each other's buttons or pulling each other's triggers.
In the English language there is a saying that "blood is thicker than water." The assumption is that we are expected to tolerate the immature, stupid and abusive behavior of family members just because they are family members. We are to let their hurtful comments slide or find a way to swallow pain and pride because they are family. It is assumed that our behavior standards are to be less for family members than for people outside the family, and thus we are supposed to find some way to tolerate the trigger-pulling.
This does create a internal conflict for many people. They are pulled in two directions as they both want to avoid their families because of the button pushing and trigger-pulling but they also feel that they must be with family because it is the right thing to do.
The trigger pullers--everyone
While most families have their share of addicts, borderline personalities and narcissists who have no insight and poor judgment about their poor choices, everyone has the equal opportunity to push buttons.
Of course narcissists and borderline personalities are so self-absorbed and are victims in their own minds that they attack first because they live in their private worlds of attack or be attacked.
However, it is likely that everyone will push buttons knowingly and unknowingly by bringing up the past or by stumbling upon some topic that is sensitive. Or maybe some of us go back into our inner child and find the bad stuff and act childish for a few hours each year because we are back with family. Outside our families we can look one way, but on the inside it can be a totally different picture.
The only triggers that you can control are your own
I think that many people do dread pushing the buttons by other family members. I think that this is a waste of time and energy. There is the difference between a commitment to be polite and decent versus being paranoid and walking on eggshells. (I plan to write later on this in a future post).
The reality is . . . that you can only have control over your own triggers. You are the only one who can have control over your feelings. I find that to say "you make me mad" to someone else is a 'cop-out' and a a surrendering of your personal power to someone else.
If Uncle Bob is going after Cousin Henrietta at the table and railing against her about what she did in 2000 by not inviting Bob's daughter from his first marriage to her wedding, it is Henrietta's responsibility to handle it. Jumping in and rescuing Henrietta only gets you into drama. Despite how tender or immature Henrietta is, only Henrietta can be responsible for her own triggers--not you.
Anger can be powerful and when we become angry we can be impulsive. I think that the real matter is that we do not have a plan for how we want to be when someone pushes our buttons. Mind you, this is not about the come back you will retort, but it is about acting more mature. I think that the plan starts out with a fearless inventory of your triggers and what you will plan to do if someone tries to pull the trigger.
What are you most embarassed about?
I bet that if you gave it a little thought right now you could think about what your triggers are. If you need a little help, a good question is:
What are you most sensitive or embarrassed about?
Besides a bit painful to ponder, the information that this yields will tell you your triggers. You can even expand on this list and identify a number of your triggers.
I do not think that you and I can identify all of our triggers. We discover our triggers as we live our lives. New ones will come up. If you do not have a long list, that is okay--start with what you have.
What mature response will you make when the family member tries to pull your trigger?
Running through some possible "scripts" of what you can say when a family member pushes your button and writing them down can be quite helpful. I think that these possibilities should be responses that are calmly spoken and mature. These scripts should be brief and not long. Some possibilities could include phrases:
1) I do not want to talk about it.
2) I would rather you not talk about it.
3) If you wish to talk about this with me later, I can do that, but otherwise, I do not want to talk about it.
4) You may be right (This one I learned from Leo Buscaglia)
The last option basically takes away the competition. I think that people hear "You may be right" as "You are right." You have conceded nothing when you say this, and it may catch them off guard because you are not arguing.
Can you ignore the trigger and say nothing. There is often a lot of power in not responding. When you respond sometimes, you give the cheap shot credibility.
What will you NOT say?
I think that a standard for statements you should not make is:
I do not want to regret it.
I think that you can make a similar list of phrases that you should avoid when someone makes a statement that pushes your buttons. My short list of statements to avoid include:
1) Shut up.
2) F**k you.
3) Go to Hell.
How long does it take before people start to push buttons or pull triggers?
Family members start to pull triggers and push buttons after a certain period of time. When there has been a lot of time on people's hands and people get bored, then the words fly or slip out.
If you have an assessment of that point of time, then you may want to make plans to leave by that time. It is not always easy to get away, but manufacturing truthful excuses for why you cannot stay is okay in my book.
What will you do if the idiot relative will not give up?
Let's say your family has some of those adult relatives who are bent on getting others angry, what do you do? Depending on how drunk they are or how emotionally impaired they are, they will keep going. I myself have a relative that is downright insatiable in picking with others and making criticism after criticism. As old as the relative is, this has never learned to be quiet and respect others.
This is a personal choice, but some options could be:.
1) Set a limit by saying: "If you continue talking about this subject, I am leaving."
2) Go to the process of what is happening "You seem to have this need to talk about my faults."
(Warning--you may be pushing a button in return.)
3) (see above) Leave before this happens.
Who are the ones most likely to engage in button pushing?
I think that it is fairly easy to identify the ones in your family who appear to like to push buttons. They also seem to be the ones who like to control and play control games. I have found many times that the ones who like to play control games use button-pushing as a game-move. However, some people who are already in control, use trigger-pulling and button-pushing to maintain their control.
You do not have to be in competition
Part of the tension and stress of dealing with the button-pushers or trigger pullers is a unrealized belief or inherent assumption that you are in competiion with these characters. For there to be a game, at least two people have to play.
The game-playing in button pushing and trigger-pulling includes anger-driven one-up-manship, and trying to get the better of the other person. Family members engaged in button-pushing often feel that they must prove something to the button-pusher.
I think that the amount of anxiety that can be reduced is amazing when you take yourself out of competition. So much tension gets reduced when you stop dwelling on this losing situation anyway.
Disclaimer--you may have to decide which is going to be more painful?
As I close this post, I go back to the memory of the client family that had a habit of "doing dirty." I have encountered adults of all ages who are so careless and thoughtless and so angry that they have no sense of self-control. They can be so cruel and abusive in the way they push buttons. In turn other adult family members will join in on the abuse either out of fear or diversion (better you than them).
There is a tension between being able to cope with triggers and respecting yourself by avoiding abusive and cruel people. This is a very individual decision in which each of us must make for ourselves.
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