CANADA CALLING AND GRIEF TRIGGERS

Before my dad died my wife and I discovered the Canada Calling newscast when we were visiting Florida.  The concept is a nice radio show in that from the beginning of November through the end of March it informs the Canadians vacationing and wintering in the semi-tropical State of Florida and other Sunbelt areas of the United States about what is happening in their homeland.  I have listened to it online in addition to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) to give me a broader perspective on matters.

However, when I discovered that I could listen to Canada Calling online, they ran a commercial for a hospital in the city where mom and dad used to live.  It was the hospital where dad spent his last hours on earth.  It took me to a sad place.   I asked myself whether I really should be listening to this show if it was a trigger for feelings?  Especially grief?

Well, we all have triggers for trauma and grief.  There are various sensations that can take us to emotional places that are intense.  The intensity can be like a freefall on the first big hill of any large roller coaster; we go there quickly, and we go there hard.   In addition to the intensity, we can stay there for a few minutes all the way up to weeks or months.

In the early stages of grief, right after the loss happens, we feel one big trigger as we are absorbed in shock and our functioning level can be greatly diminished all the way up to being immobilized.  Academically, as we go along, we put more time, space and experience between us and the loss and so the triggers should come less often and should be of less intensity (we are not supposed to feel like we are on a roller coaster).

However, there are some people who live in the triggers.  In a post years ago, I had mentioned the mother who made her house one large shrine to her deceased son.  She was continuing to trigger herself every day by looking at all the pictures she kept up in her house.    She claimed she followed the advice I gave her to put all but one of the pictures away and I think she got better because she appeared to move on in her life.  

Holiday Traditions are Grief Triggers

Holiday Traditions have the tendency to be grief triggers, especially when they remind us of those whom we shared them with who are now no longer with us. They can lose their meaning in our relationships and can take us to negative places quickly.

There is a quandary for many of us at the holidays when others want to have those traditions and we don’t.  Traditions do not have the same meaning and significance to everyone and some may connect them differently to the loss of a family member than other family members.  Some see them as a family activity while some see the traditions as centered around the deceased loved one.

For those who connect the tradition to the event, they often refuse to go to holiday gatherings and cloister themselves for the holiday season because they just can’t stand the reminders of the pain.   They have the emotional freefall with the triggers and so they might unintentionally instigate family drama; others are angry that they do not move on.  There is no easy answer to this quandary and drama but let us consider some ideas.

What if you have a family member of loved one who is dodging holiday gatherings?

1)      The first thought is if the loss just happened, can you give them a break and let it slide for the first Christmas?  Loving people often means extending grace to them in their pain.  We are doing to others what we want them to do for us?

2)      If some time has passed and they are continuing to dodge holiday gatherings because of the pain, it may help to go talk to them with the following plan:

a.       Tell them that you love them, and it is important for you that they be part of the family at the holidays.

b.       Ask them what you can do to make it easier for them to be at the gathering?

c.       Because you want to see them at the holidays, can you offer an opportunity to create new traditions as a family.

What if it is you are the spoiler at the holidays because of a grief trigger? 

1)      Can you talk to your family member about why you have been dodging the holiday gatherings?

2)      Can you negotiate with your family member (who is either calling or nagging you) about trying something new or different at the family gathering?

3)      Do you need to talk with a professional or member of the clergy about your grief trigger to see if you can either rewire the button or deactivate the button? 

4)      Can you give in and power through the holiday gathering(s) out of love for your living family members who would really love to see you and be with you?

There is honestly no guarantee that you can persuade the family member to come to family gatherings if they are the spoiler.  However, if you are the spoiler you have choices that only you can make. 

In the end, we never seem to know grief triggers until they surprise us.  However, for those who have been avoiding holiday family gatherings because of grief and loss, it is a fair bet that those triggers are obvious, but possibly embarrassing.   Embarrassment is being caught emotionally caught off guard when a boundary is being crossed and feelings are an emotional boundary that we maintain with others.  Ergo, we do not share our feelings with others if we think they are going to think we are being weak.  There is some false sense of strength in either hiding or denying our embarrassment over our feelings of grief.  It sometimes takes more strength to be real about who we are and that we are human.

It is normal and human to have grief and loss triggers.  Sometimes we have to face those triggers, and accept them, and work through them so that they are reduced from roller coaster hills to mere bumps in the road because we make them that way, and yes, I have continued to listen to Canada Calling and I enjoy it even if the commercial for that certain hospital is played.

I hope that this has been helpful.  If this is your first time to this blog, and you are looking for thoughts on different issues, feel free to scroll through the previous posts.