Anxiety about It not Being the Same Again and Maybe Other Stuff.

Much of the material I have seen and heard about grief and loss at the holidays is that they will never be the same again.  Holidays are very much about traditions.  Traditions make up some of the glue that bind our relationships. 

Family traditions in and of themselves mean nothing outside of our relationships. They have a role in the identity we have as families. Traditions have an implicit role in the intimacy (degree of closeness) we have with family.  Identity and intimacy play much into our emotional security as individuals.

When we do not have the emotional security from families we feel a kind of anxiety called insecurity.  We do not feel safe and we may feel some form of abandonment.  We want to belong and fit in but it is not there.  Maybe the parents did not really comprehend that they were supposed to create traditions to create security for their children, and maybe some of us were those children.

When the loved one dies who had a part of the tradition, or led in carrying on the tradition, things can feel loose and shaky.    The grief and loss means the security of the tradition does not necessarily exist or at least to the degree it used to exist.

If the death of the family member of loved one shook enough people in the family, there is a change in the emotional state of all family members.  Other than depression, words that may be appropriate descriptors of the feelings are insecurity, weirdness and discomfort—which are all synonyms for anxiety.   These feelings can change the color of things where a white cloudy sky seems gray or the blue sky feels darker.   This collective and individual state of emotions clearly is not good.

If there was not the family tradition that we shared with others, then we have what seems to be other forms of anxiety that include loneliness, abandonment or even envy or jealousy.  The loneliness means we are by ourselves and we have unmet needs for security.  The abandonment is a strange form of anxiety that can make adults act like children even if they are highly educated or erudite in their speech.  The envy or jealousy (feel the same but different in substance) is a strange brew of anger and anxiety where we are both angry and anxious that we do not have what others have.  Again, having any of these emotions does not feel good. 

It serves to add that negative emotions are extremely powerful forces.  They affect our behavior. People do incredible, irrational things because they have strong feelings.  Feelings can intoxicate people and affect good judgment; when people are anxious or angry impulses rule.   Hopefully we can cope through the feelings and show good judgment and keep our heads on straight

Turning the Corner: Coping

As we are looking to cope and survive through these times, it probably helps to at least admit that we are not feeling good.  Admitting our emotional state is the start of taking steps to improve it.

It also probably helps to admit in the face of a death of a family member that some of our fellow surviving family members are not going to be any good in actually helping us to get through the time depending on their functioning and credibility; they may be crazy and they may not be people who respect us as individuals with their stupidity and patronizing.     

These are the times where we sometimes have to take responsibility for our own anxiety.

If we dwell on negatives we will continue to feel negative and anxious.  We don’t know how things are going to be in the future, but we are capable of handling it.  If we can get our mind on something positive or something different we may be able to change our feeling in the moment. 

The holidays have just saturated many of us with negative feelings that coping is not a magical experience: it does not make the negative feelings away.  It makes them manageable. 

In the end, we have to admit that managing our anxiety in whatever feeling grief brings is hard work. Anxiety has a way of making us feel like the frog in the kettle--it raises the temperature of the water slowly and can overtake us without us having the insight we are feeling it.  

Admittedly, just thinking good thoughts by themselves doesn't necessarily do the job.  Sometimes we need to get busy and get our whole selves into it; we must do things that generate better feelings or at least reduce our negative feelings.

At least the holidays do not last forever; they end and we can get back to our normal selves--whatever that truly is.

I hope that this helped you.  If you liked it, please re-post and pass it on and help someone else.

Considering God's Existence and Revelation in Strange Places When we are Angry.

Many people in grief and loss question the existence of God.  If God exists, how could and why did the loved one die or the bad thing happen?  How can God allow bad things to happen to me?

This seems to be likely especially in the stage of anger. The person with grief can look at the world through the dark glasses of anger.  Anger does not let people enjoy times and things, but for some strange reason many of us hang on to it.

Anger as an emotion affects a person physically.  There can be muscle tension, headaches and nausea.  Anger can be monopolizing and affect the way things taste and sound.  It has a way of compounding from the mildest irritation and annoyance up to rage when more thought or time is invested in it. 

With all this anger comes negative emotional thinking.  It is all about the feeling and not the logic.  It can be a self-righteous anger where the sense of victim-hood brings a sense of entitlement. It takes away our desire to look at things logically or factually, and everything is negative.

The Challenge of the God Component in Christmas

This brings us to Christmas.  It is a holiday that commemorates emotion in some form or another.   It is supposed to be a “Merry Christmas.”  We are supposed to “make merry” or do things that make us feel happy.  It is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.  Yeah right.

In the pluralistic, secular cultures of the western world, there have been a number of alternative traditions that get away from the religious origin of Christmas and the focus has been on Food, Gifts, Santa Claus, and the feeling we are supposed to have.  As I have written in the past in this blog, nostalgia is part of this tradition of trying to get good feelings by selectively remembering or recreating the past. 

When you get down to it, despite all the wrapping, bows, ribbons, and sugar coating, the heart of Christmas is God’s revelation of Himself to humanity.  For the angry person whose longstanding grief has led to atheism, emptiness can get kicked up a few notches or levels.

I have found in my discussion with a number of atheists there is an angry, emotional core for their denial of the existence of God.    The angry person who became an atheist has likely asked: If God exists, why did He allow bad things to happen?   As earlier discussed anger is an emotional way of thinking.  Even with the rational arguments of philosophy and theology, every school of thought starts with an emotional core or epistemology.  No matter how logically a devoutly religious person may try to reason with an atheist, the conversation tends to stop at the atheist’s emotional reaction. Such discussions are going to stop because faith starts when the facts go no further.

In the end, you can neither disprove nor prove the existence of God.  The believer is not going to prove it to the atheist. The atheist is not going to disprove it to the believer.

However, if you happen to be an atheist or agnostic and you are still reading this, I supposed your skepticism has kicked into high gear.   

Many of us put an “if” or a “why” in front of God when our expectations are not met or when we get hurt.    Many of us get angry and frustrated at God in our grief.  Some people decide to deny that God exists because the “if’s” and the “why’s” does not get answered to our satisfaction.  

I will say that the concept of Christmas calls you to consider faith and belief and your “if’s” and “why’s.”  You are either going to have them or you are not.  But there is one question: What would lead you to consider belief again?  If God were to be revealed to you that you believed, how would it happen?

The Bizarre Sub-Plot of Joseph

Today, I am struck by the side story of Joseph—the guy who was Jesus’ earthly father.  Relatively little is actually said about him, but the limited information suggests he was a guy who definitely saw God.  You can read this in the New Testament of the Bible in the book of Matthew, chapters 1-2, (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+1-+2&version=NIV)

and the book of Luke 2

(https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+2&version=NIV)   

Joseph saw God in some of the most convoluted ways and he demonstrated his belief by his actions.  First, the girl he was supposed to marry turns up pregnant.  He was a religious and righteous man and he was going to do the right thing in breaking off the engagement quietly.  I think that he was one of those who had the right to ask . . . scream at the top of his lungs: 

“How could this happen to me?” 

He could have made a scene and show all of the self-righteous rage in the world and watched her get stoned in the streets.  But God sends him an angel in a dream, telling him to marry the girl, which he does.

After he gets to the place where they have to go to get counted in some mandatory Roman Empire census, the wife has the kid in a barn in the middle of the night and some strange people come barging in almost immediately with a story that they saw a bunch of angels light up the dark sky announcing the baby’s birth and singing glory to God. (Probably about) two years later some happy, rich strangers come in with some extravagant gifts wanting to worship the child.  When they leave he immediately gets a dream telling him to flee because the local tyrant in power was coming to kill the baby.

No one can get into Joseph’s mind from just reading the story, but part of me just can only wonder about his seeing and meeting God through these weird and dysfunctional-appearing ways at what might have been the most trying times of his life.  God did not appear to him in church or in happy moments when he was ready to meet God. God appeared to him as God appeared to him when God appeared to him.

This is a story where it seems that Joseph goes through an emotional roller coaster.  God met Joseph when he was in pain.  God met him in the middle of dark nights.  God met him through bizarre circumstances.  Christmas reveals a God who does not act as “if” we think God should.

God sometimes gives the “why” but it is not necessarily in words.   It would seem that Joseph had an “a-ha” moment after the shepherds came barging into the stable that indeed God was involved.  He would have confirmation of the "a-ha" several days later in the temple when a strange, old man and a strange, old woman came up and blessed the child and talked about what the child would do (later in the Luke chapter).  

Back to the 21^st Century

You and I have a choice whether to buy the story of Christmas.  Faith is a choice that is not a logical matter.  It can be a difficult choice when our brains are full of anger and pain over the loss and grief of something that we had cherished.  For some reason (whether divine or economic exploitation), the story of Christmas persists and it reveals God no matter how Santa, Christmas trees, and gifts try to crowd Him out. 

I hope this meaningfully challenged you and offered you some hope if not something to think about.  Feel free to pass it on by reposting it.  Also free to look at the 90 other posts on this blog for thoughts on other subjects.   

I Want a Relationship with You but I Don’t Want a Relationship with You if You are Going to Be that Way! (Grief in Relationships)

In positive terms, families that are disengaged are more about the individual success than the family sticking together.  The positively disengaged family is about “You can do it. Go for it. Be all you can be!” 

In negative terms, the disengaged family is more about, you and I do not get along and so, someone is leaving.  Existentially this can look like

1. I am going to get away from you because you are abusive, and controlling, and oppressive.   
2.  Leave if you are going to be that way (we often call the departed one a prodigal-but it goes both ways).

Regrettable Rediscoveries

Many kids become adults who attempt to rediscover estranged parents and grandparents.  Sometimes the re-connection is a wonderful discovery and sometimes it is an epiphany as to why the custodial parent left.  The reunion with the estranged parent is often short and painful.

In my work, I have had numerous clients complain and lament about the absent mom or dad.  The mom or dad does not seem to care or makes promises that he or she does not keep. 

Sometimes, the estranged parent is a defensive jerk who fails to understand that for them to give suggestions or criticisms; they need to develop credibility before they spew the unsolicited advice.  The defensive jerk may portray himself or herself as a victim of the situation.  Sometimes they actually think they have valid points but miss the fact they are not credible.  The estranged parent generally fails to understand that he or she may need to apologize for failing to be there; procreating a new life impulsively brings a plethora of long-term, emotional consequences for the shunned responsibility.    Given the parent’s inability to understand such an apology is never coming and never will.

With many of my current patients, a recurring theme is that the absent parent is a drug addict, incarcerated sociopath, or convicted felon on the lam.  This absent parent also tends to be behind on child support payments. That parent is too busy smoking pot, shooting heroin, surviving penitentiary, or working the next angle that there is nothing to contribute.  The sad reality is that there is a cycle of dysfunction driven by a modicum of victimhood in that that the kid who was abused and neglected—often becomes the abusive and neglecting absent parent.

Other than the absent biological parent, there is the issue of the in-law.  Many do not get along with in-laws.  There is often a dynamic where the mother in-law or father in-law is too much like you and you repel each other because there is a competition for control or attention. 

Sometimes you marry someone with the baggage of the absent or dysfunctional parent.  You find that the absent or dysfunctional parent does or says stupid and abusive things and you hear about it afterwards.  It is also a real wakeup call when the dysfunctional in-law starts drama at a holiday, or excludes you and your spouse from family events or they keep secrets like they have a terminal illness or other important family medical information.

Another slice of the in-law issue is the disruptive sister or brother-in-law.  Maybe they were the favorite or maybe they are the black sheep.  Maybe they are a malignant drama queen who yells and throws a tantrum when they do not get their ways (they will be the defensive ones who disrupt family gatherings).

Trying to talk to these people is often futile

If you try and talk to these people about your feelings and you are trying to get change or at least an apology, you may find yourself having a futile conversation.  The hope is that they will be listening and apologetic with a pledge to do better.  What you will likely get is a number of red herrings to get off of the topic.  The end result is that the difficult person will turn into a defensive, self-righteous victim who will try to turn it all on you as being the problem.     The victim can find often find emotional and naïve rescuers who will jump in and attack you without understanding or knowing the whole truth and a firestorm exists.

If you do not get the immediate firestorm, you may get a later confrontation from a third family member who blames you for starting drama.  The person you just confronted may go to a third person for emotional rescue and make some vague emotional complaint about you that had little to do with your original confrontation.  You did . . . but you did not  . . . start the drama.

At least one more possibility is you get the hypocritical, plastic-faced family member who avoids you for years after the confrontation.  While they may sound religious and together, they are too invested in looking good than being real and genuine, and your confrontation likely poked through the paper-thin gift box that hides the empty box inside.  Part of their lack of integrity is to run because they do not have the character to apologize and admit they are not perfect.

Tying grief in—

Trying to talk to these people can be akin the bargaining phase of grief.  Some of us want to take responsibility to do what we can in our relationships.  Since these are family relationships we do tend to take them very personal and take a lot of responsibility, so talking to them about the problems seems to be the right thing to do.

Maybe we realize that there is not going to be a good relationship, and maybe we keep trying.  Maybe we keep hurting because that other person is abusive and controlling and negative and may be spreading unfair and ignorant rumors about us.  Maybe we wanted our kids to have relationships with their grandparents but the grandparents seem to have their heads stuck up their rear-ends as to how neglectful they have been.

A painful flip side of the neglect is that even if we were to have a relationship with these people, it would be on their emotional  terms.   They want control and there is no acceptance.  They would not have anything to say to us unless it was abusive and critical and non-accepting, and so many of us come to the painful conclusion: I want a relationship with you but I don’t want a relationship with you if you are going to be that way.

Trying to figure out what to do?

There are no easy answers when it comes to this situation.  The practical task at hand though seems to be managing our feelings.  We can get involved in other things to get our mind away from the pain.  We can try not to ruminate too much on what is not and what could have been.  We can get ourselves busy—but hopefully not meaninglessly busy in mindless driven behavior which is likely to burn us out.  So, we may have to practice a sense of emotional survival in the face of these situations. 

I hope that these thoughts were helpful to you.  For those of us in these situations, we are not alone.  Feel free to peruse the rest of the blog for other coping ideas.  If you like this post, feel free to re-post on your own social media—pass it on.