It isn't about you: The avoidant ones we want to talk to.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the United States.  (Canada has its Thanksgiving day the second Monday of October.)  It was created by President Abraham Lincoln to be a day of giving thanks to the “Creator.”   Between Christmas and Thanksgiving, the latter is the preferred gathering day for families.  

Other than eating too much food, families are supposed to have some kind of interaction.  The interaction is where the problem tends to be.  Of course there has been discussion about what happens when people drink too much and say regretful things.  There is little about the avoidant family member who does not talk or shies away from being around family.

The avoidant person may be us.  I do appreciate that given family dysfunction and trauma, some avoidant people have such a strong aversion to being around family in the name of self-preservation and PTSD.   The one staying away may be the one hiding in shame or anger.

      There will be avoidant family members who are reluctantly there but choosing to be avoidant of others because they want to avoid the typical drama.  They don’t want to be around the uncle or other family member who has had two “Rum and Pepsi’s” by dinner and has finished the bottle of rum off by 6pm.  

There are a few who seem to be arrogant.  You go up to them and say hello and they avoid making any kind of response other than a vague utterance and they walk away.   You might try a second time and they repeat what they just did.

However, there are some avoidant family members who are hard to figure out.  They act in such controlling ways that they just do not talk or even return phone calls.  If they come to see others when you are not there or they drive through your city not stopping to say hello.  Maybe you are in their city and you call them to see if you can come by and they tell you that they are sick.   They seem to do everything to be avoidant.

The main question that most ask in response is: why are they doing this?  The answer that many ask in response is “Did I do something?”   They may answer themselves again by saying, “I must have done something or they would not be acting like this.”    They engage in personalization.

Personalization

            Personalization is what has been called a thinking error.  It is taking responsibility for something that is not your fault. Or it may be taking more responsibility for what happened than is yours to take.

            The classic form of personalization that I see in my work is the adolescent to takes it personally that someone insults his or her mother or father or family.  Some insulting peer goes “Your momma” and the personalizing adolescent hits the peer.  The adolescent has taken upon himself or herself that he or she is the defender of the family.

            Another classic form of personalization is to say “I must have done something or they would not have acted that way.”    Maybe someone gives you a dirty look or is rude to you and if you personalize it the conclusion is that you must be at fault for something.

            The reality is that just because someone gives you a dirty look or is rude to you it only means they gave you a dirty look or were rude.  It does not mean that you did anything.   Some people are just rude and give dirty looks.   They did it because they did it.   Neal Peart, the lyricist for Rush aptly wrote in the song Roll the Bones “Why does it happen?  Because it happens.”

Reframing it back to your family

            So, if you are going to be around avoidant family members you can be less distressed by stopping trying to analyze why they are avoidant.  It may be a friendly measure to go up to them and try to have friendly small talk and see if they talk, but if they withdraw, they withdraw.  The avoidant family member is choosing to be avoidant because they are choosing to be avoidant because they are anxious or guarded from previous family spats on the holidays. 

            Just a disclaimer here, if you are going up to the avoidant one  to yell at them, call them something that sounds like “Ice Hole” or tease them for their behavior last holiday, I would not blame them  for avoiding you.    We are not responsible for the feelings and choices of family members, but we are responsible for what we say and what we do and we may get some consequences.

            One more thought about the avoidant family member: they may be a bunch of vacant space not worth knowing.  I have found that many avoidant people are bitter control freaks . . .  nothing more and nothing less.  They control by isolating and they do not let anyone into their lives except for those they can control.  Talking with them is woefully unfulfilling because there is nothing to connect on with them.   

Concluding Thoughts: It isn’t about you.

            It isn’t about you when it comes to the avoidant family member.  Most normal people will talk and make effort to connect with others at family gatherings tomorrow.   If you make an effort to connect with the typically avoidant family member tomorrow and it bombs, at least you tried.   If the avoidant family member otherwise claims that you are in their space or are bothering them, just let them be in their own private world.   There are better things to do with your holiday experience such as being with the family members that want to talk and play than be consumed by the avoidant family member’s reclusiveness. 

Grief a Second Year.

My father died Labor Day 2015.  I have made a full circle for myself in terms of going through the different holidays and other significant events of the year.   I have gone on in the year being mindful most of the time.  There have been a few surprise grief-related issues that have come up with regards to my family, but I do not have the liberty to describe them here, but I will talk about mine.  This aims to be tastefully real and discuss  what is therapist tested and approved.  

For 10 years prior to my father’s death I had been mindful that there would be a day he would no longer be around.  I made sure that I hugged him and told him I loved him when I saw him and when I said good-bye.  We had some meaningful times together within our ability to have them.  He did get to read my textbook that I wrote and published and he stated his approval of it.  We departed on a good note and I have no regrets.

As I look back through the previous year, I think that I did fairly well and awkward was the operative word.  The toughest week was the week after his death where it felt like I had concrete shoes.  From having seen others in shock, I told myself that this was grief and that the shock of such matters can be physical too.  Christmas and Thanksgiving were merely on the awkward side because of the changes that a phone call to dad and a gift for Dad were not in the cards and Mom had moved from Florida to Indiana just before Christmas.

 Fathers Day was the harder of the different “holidays.  I don’t have any specific answers as to why it was harder, but it just was melancholy. 

The Grass Fire

The memory of the grassfire in 1978 was what affected me most in the past year.  I will be real here and disclose that on my father’s first birthday after his death I thought about this.  On a sunny day in late October the Rock Island rail line ignited a large grassfire during dry conditions that burned about a quarter mile until it got to our place.  I remember the low black clouds and hearing the sirens get closer and bringing it to my father’s attention.  We got some shovels and went the quarter-mile back to the back fence line.

      When we got back there my dad jumped over the back fence and went down and around the fire line on our neighbor’s property to see if he could help.  I remembered that the Altoona Iowa Fire Chief drove on our property to survey the situation and then he left.  A little while later the fire came roaring up like the ocean tide engulfing me in a cloud of hot smoke leaving me choking. It was just me alone and I was afraid.

 I remember tucking tail and running and then saying a prayer and running back at the fire.  I don’t ‘think that I was a great or even good firefighter but I beat out what flames I could along a line in several places and the fire stopped about four to five feet inside our property. I was thankful that Dad came walking back after the fire had died. We spent the rest of the day putting out hot spots.  I look back now and think that because we mowed our hay and the neighbor hadn’t, the fire simply died out for lack of fuel. 

It surprised me how much I remembered the story and how it much it affected me. I also look back and I am reminded that I was in perhaps greater danger than I realized and that there were angels protecting me.  

Looking Ahead with my Family and Coping

         Memories aside from the past year and the past period, I look into the second trip through the calendar of grief and I have discovered that my family and I are not handling things the same way.  Things have gotten a little more complicated in ways with regards to new family drama given the changes. 

         With some changes come new discoveries.  People are getting into others spaces and having unforeseen conflict in the crossing of boundaries.  There are strange and awkward discussions about what did not used to get talked about.  New information about old situations gets disclosed. Family members show emotion that they did not show previously.  It is a mixture of amusement, bewilderment, and further shock.   

        I figure my family is like other families.  There is nothing that weird about my family. Of course every family has its secrets, but there is nothing new under the sun.  We are just embarrassed about our family secrets and there are subjects that we avoid talking about because it is just better that way.

        I have been a fan of Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) because we enter into situations with beliefs and thoughts and emotions.  The essence of REBT is that we can change our thoughts and beliefs when we go into situations and come out with less negative feelings and less stress.   It is a usable theory in terms of teaching a method of how to cope.

       In line with REBT I hold that we wear those beliefs, thoughts and emotions as glasses.  It is akin to the adage of someone wearing “rose-colored” glasses to describe someone who is foolishly seeing things as too positive.  With grief and loss, the glasses are dark like sunglasses and we tend to see everything as dark and gray.

With our families and grief, we may have to craft our own eyeglasses to look at things as they come along.  We may have to prepare and choose to practice thinking certain thoughts and beliefs as they express emotions and do grief their way.  We don’t have to own their feelings, in fact it is better if we don’t. 

     My REBT eyeglasses have been the following.  My family members will act in the ways they will act.  They will do what they are going to do. I do not control what they do.  I don’t have to own what they do.  Sometimes grief is just grief and there does not have to be any more to it than that.  Maybe the holidays will end up being on the difficult side but they are not impossible and they end January 2.

Concluding Thoughts:
    I hope that this is helpful to you in thinking about grief and coping with the feelings.  Feel free to look back through the blog for things that may be of interest to you.

Chronic Sorrow versus Grief

Sometimes the bad feeling at Christmas is not grief but chronic sorrow.   Chronic sorrow is essentially pain that returns again and again due to various triggers. Many people have it because the holidays always stink. 

I was introduced to this idea of Chronic Sorrow by Simon Olshansky (1895-1975) this year through some professional education.   Olshansky was a researcher in the rehabilitation field who was actually focused on families with children who have an intellectual/developmental disability.  He defined chronic sorrow as a permanent, ongoing living loss that is progressive, recurring and cyclical.   For Olshansky it is natural for parents of such special needs to have recurring grief when recognizing that a normal child is meeting developmental milestones when their child is not.

     Olshansky’s theory is applicable to many people with recurring holiday grief.  If your family is detached or estranged, there is the likelihood that the feelings of sorrow recur

·         When you hear other people talk about getting together with their families for the holidays

·         When you hear Perry Como sing “There’s no place like home for the holidays.”

·         When you see commercials on TV depicting happy Christmas morning gift exchanges

·         When you go through stores and see things that remind you of the holiday traumas or defunct traditions.

There is a fine line here about being stuck in grief and having chronic sorrow.  Being stuck in grief typically refers to one loss where you continue to put your life on hold around one issue or loss. Yes, it does no good to dwell on the past, but on the other, since we are inundated . . . no make that smothered with the intensity of holiday triggers through messages, sounds, and images, many of us (with otherwise sound coping skills) will feel the emotions of grief whether it is anger or depression.

 The resulting holiday depression can be like the “frog in the kettle” effect where we can get boiled by the water that gradually was raised in temperature.  We realize that it happened after it has happened and not while it is happening.   Before you know it we are pretty emotional or deep in the doldrums.

Well, the question becomes: what do you or I supposed to do about it?    That is purely an existential question, because I cannot tell you what to do about it.   While I can offer you ideas for choices that you can make, I can only make my own choices.

I accept that :

1. There are some who would rather just sit home and be miserable.  They would rather be home either avoiding others or playing a victim role and not really wanting rescue.  
2. There are some who are going to take hold of the day and find meaning and purpose and connection with whomever they can connect.  That is better.
3. There are going to be some who are just going to tolerate the holiday and look forward to January 2 when the holiday season is over for another 10 months until retailers start putting out the Christmas stuff again.

Option #2 is the therapist answer, but the longer I work as a clinical social worker the more I find myself being non-judgmental and accepting of the people who choose option #1 as life is just not that simple.   I affirm that they are making a choice within their own power and self-determination—something most of us want to do.

I have decided at the end of this rumination that mindfulness is probably the best strategy possible in dealing with sorrow.  We often have to recognize our feeling and where it probably comes from and what we can do about it. 

If the sorrow thing fits you in that memories about holiday tragedies and family dysfunctions continue to come up with the different triggers, it is your responsibility as to how you choose to react and how you will choose to spend your time.  

I hope that this helps.  Feel free to look back at the other blog entries to see if there is something you are interested in reading.  If you would like for me to write on a related topic, please make a comment below. 

We Did the Best We Could and We are Doing the Best We Can

One of the attitudes in the past year that I have become mindful is that of "limits." When I work late there is a certain point in time where I have reached my physical limit and I have lost my mental edge or sharpness.  At that time I am both mentally and physically drained, and I cannot see another patient to assess whether or not they should be admitted to the psychiatric hospital.  I must respect my physical limits or I will make unnecessary mistakes and I will be no good to anyone.

Limits are often quiet difficult to accept.  No human can do it all, know it all or be everywhere.  However many people push their limits in saying to themselves that they should be doing more, or doing it better.   Many people also beat themselves up over the stuff they should have known in the past.  

Well they can’t and they didn’t and they dwell and fret over manufactured hopelessness and regret; they don’t necessary learn from the mistake or past situation—they just beat themselves up. 

Mind you some regret is not bad.  We need some regret and guilt to keep our moral compass. 

Limits in Grief and Loss

However, not all regret is over moral issues.  Much regret is had because we think if we would have known to have done something differently; the outcome would have been differently.    Otherwise, some people believe that if they would not have gone home from their dying loved one’s side, they would have been there when that person died. 

However, many people assume the truth and believe that they screwed up when there was no right or wrong answer to a situation.   People who are perfectionists stay in the grief stage of anger because they do not accept their limits.  Perfectionism does not allow you to have limits.  You are supposed to be perfect and get everything right.  These people stay mad at themselves and feel guilt.

Such people dwell and ruminate on this so called mistake to the point of depression. Again and again, I have suggested to clients and patients, you did the best you could and no one could have known they were going to die when they did.   We as human beings do not have omniscience or the ability to know it all: we have limits.

Limits in the Here and Now

Let’s take a different look at limits: the here and now.  Very few of us can buy anything someone wants. There are going to be limits to our money and limits to the supply of the hottest gift idea for this Christmas.  There are going to be limits to how special this Christmas will be. There are going to be limits to what other people are going to be able to do for us and give us.

Accepting one’s limits can be a relief for some because the act of trying to do it all for everyone is plain slavery.   Being able to give yourself the Christmas gift of limits may be one of the healthiest actions you take.  Accepting limits may be demonstrated through:

• Not making promises you will not be able to keep
• Not promising to buy gifts you cannot afford
• Not committing to events you do not want to go to

You will likely feel like there is a weight off of your back because you are giving yourself a break.
On the other hand, if you say “I can’t accept my limits because people are expecting stuff of me and they are going to be mad” you may have some work to do.   If we accept our limits we may have to set limits with other people.  You are correct to say that when we set limits with other people they may get mad.   

However, not everyone will get mad because there are understanding people in this world.  Some of our family members and friends are very understanding because they appreciate the matter of limits and they cope very well with such matters.

On the other hand, the reality of life is that we all get told no, and we have to tell some people no.  A person getting angry because we set limits with them may very well be the one with an anger problem.  We have been slaves to that anger problem, but we can set ourselves free by setting limits and letting them be angry—most people do get over the anger.

Surviving the holidays often means accepting limits—both in our past memories of grief and loss and in the here and now.   When we accept our limits we give ourselves the credit that we did the best we could then and we at doing the best we can now.

Concluding thoughts:

I hope this helps.  Feel free to review past entries to find subjects that you are wanting to read about. If you are have a suggestion for a topic you want an opinion on, put in the comments section.  Thanks for reading.

Yes, it is here again and it is in your face just like the political ads were last week

The specific radio station in my city has become the Christmas station again and is playing the holiday music 24-7.  My big box stores have been decorated for about two weeks now.  The Hershey’s kisses commercial where the iconic chocolate morsels are a bell choir started playing before Halloween. Starbucks was selling the Thanksgiving Blend for about one week and now they have gone to the Christmas Blend already.  The commercial holiday season has gone big and is not going home. 

   The US presidential election has made the intensity of the Christmas Season a little tougher to handle. About one week ago we were constantly hearing negative attack ads on television, the radio and over the internet.  After the election there were demonstrations in many large US cities protesting Donald Trump’s election. One week ago we were deluged with negativity and now we are being deluged with the silver bells, deck the halls and trim the tree.         

            The holiday season is so institutionalized and ingrained in the economics of retail. Retailers expect people to buy and that they want us to shop longer hours so they increase their personnel budgets over 100 percent and then spend the rest of the fiscal year paying it back.   They are counting on Christmas for a profitable year and thus they are going to hammer us in every way they tastefully can (or maybe as gaudily as they can get away with).  Because so much seems to be at stake, they are going to exploit the sacred for all it is worth and it is in our faces even if we are burned out by the US elections that ended last week.

             With many busy people, the Christmas season can be another burden of pressure. That pressure seems to be a little worse given many of us are trying to recover from the election.   I am sure that there will be a few moments where I will want to tell the late Andy Williams to cram it when I have heard The Most Wonder Time of the Year for the 100^th time.       

            The message of the holiday season is supposed to be happiness and joy with those you love.  We are supposed to be merry and fulfilled, and the commercial establishment jumps around that idea because they really don’t want us to be fulfilled—they want us to buy something from them.    I am looking to write this season about looking for fulfillment and coping when things fall flat.  Life is not always fulfilling in and of itself. We have to look for fulfillment and create it sometimes regardless of how we feel.

            I hope that if you are looking for some coping ideas you may find some options here in the blog.  You are always welcome to go back to the previous entries and see if you can find some inspiration or coping skills you can use.