In a countdown sense, Christmas is in five days and Hanukkah starts tomorrow. In my blog so far I have talked about grief and loss and surviving toxic families. However, I have also talked about personal responsibility, which I come back to tonight.
If it appears that you are merely going to survive a lonely Christmas or Hanukkah, do you have a plan? If you are seeing that you are not going to have anywhere to go and you will be alone, then I have to note that the victim role gets old and loses traction after a short period of time.
While I know that many people are lonely and that more people have less money due to the economy, I know that there are options. There is something that we can do for 24-72 hours to occupy our time and get past the holiday. However, many people will stay in the victim role and be miserable.
The Victim Role
The victim role is a role where the person is attacked or hurt or is manipulated. The victim role is a valid role as we will all be victims of something in this life. Everyone will play the fool. Everyone will get taken advantage of when you get into some (but not all) situations where you are vulnerable.
However, people hopefully learn from the victim role. In fact, we are inherently expected to learn from the times we have been victims. Being victimized again and again shows that someone is missing something.
I have had many patients and clients love to play the chronic victim. I have heard people go on and on as to how they got screwed over and how others just take advantage of them. I have heard a number of people state that they feel that they must be the victim because they had to take care of the loved one or friend. After a while, I got the idea that this "victim" was just making poor choices over and over again--they had power as to whether they were going to continue to be a victim.
The rewards of victim hood.
I have seen over the years that many people love to play the victim because they get something out of it. They get sympathy and they in turn are able to manipulate others to get something else. The victim role can also be played as a control position, especially in family and office drama situations.
Self-righteous anger also is a product of victimhood. Many victims get some kind of feeling of power and a strange sense of superiority that they are better than the perpetrator. Self-righteousness may buy you some attention from caretakers.
Victimhood has diminishing returns
In my experience, victimhood only gets you so much in the way of reward and begins to have diminishing returns. Victimhood is often an existential matter--you may be feel you are victimized and the alleged perpetrator may feel they did nothing wrong, nor may they be aware that you felt wronged. I have had people 'confront' me with some of the most stupid and crazy things they claimed I had done--but I was pretty sure I did nothing wrong.
However, victimhood is like eating the saccharin-based sweetener in the pink packets in many restaurants. The power comes with a price of feeling miserable and having a terrible taste in your mouth.
Personally, I have felt like the victim of other employers, professionals and shady administrators, roommates, and other peers who did not feel that that did anything wrong, but who told me that I needed to be welcomed to the real world. Some of them seemed to be acting in their own self-righteous distortion. There have been some strange dramas, but over time I figured that I had to move on in one way or another because I just couldn't waste my energy.
When it comes to Christmas, I hold that continuing to play the victim especially at Christmas is not going to make your Christmas any better--only more miserable. Yes, maybe some of your family could apologize, make amends, do more, or could have invited you to come, but I think that dwelling on being the victim is not using your energy to make Christmas a pleasant experience. You will become a victim of yourself.
Can you get out of the victim mode?
Some people have learned to play the victim too well. They know how to play the victim. They have begun to think in terms of being the victim in many aspects of their lives. They go into situations automatically assuming the poor helpless, victim role. They have become good scouts of situations where they can play the victim, but those situations dwindle over time and they become recluses because they have worn out their welcome.
If you are going to be alone and Christmas is going to be substandard or poor, you have choices. You can think like a victim or think about how you can spend it well. Maybe you can find some last minute gathering, or get some people together. Maybe you can get a book from the library, or maybe you can create some personal projects for Christmas.
There are no easy answers and there are no freebies. It is up to each of us as to how we will make the best of the holidays. Dwelling on thoughts of victimhood is not going to make any of us warm. What is your plan?
If it appears that you are merely going to survive a lonely Christmas or Hanukkah, do you have a plan? If you are seeing that you are not going to have anywhere to go and you will be alone, then I have to note that the victim role gets old and loses traction after a short period of time.
While I know that many people are lonely and that more people have less money due to the economy, I know that there are options. There is something that we can do for 24-72 hours to occupy our time and get past the holiday. However, many people will stay in the victim role and be miserable.
The Victim Role
The victim role is a role where the person is attacked or hurt or is manipulated. The victim role is a valid role as we will all be victims of something in this life. Everyone will play the fool. Everyone will get taken advantage of when you get into some (but not all) situations where you are vulnerable.
However, people hopefully learn from the victim role. In fact, we are inherently expected to learn from the times we have been victims. Being victimized again and again shows that someone is missing something.
I have had many patients and clients love to play the chronic victim. I have heard people go on and on as to how they got screwed over and how others just take advantage of them. I have heard a number of people state that they feel that they must be the victim because they had to take care of the loved one or friend. After a while, I got the idea that this "victim" was just making poor choices over and over again--they had power as to whether they were going to continue to be a victim.
The rewards of victim hood.
I have seen over the years that many people love to play the victim because they get something out of it. They get sympathy and they in turn are able to manipulate others to get something else. The victim role can also be played as a control position, especially in family and office drama situations.
Self-righteous anger also is a product of victimhood. Many victims get some kind of feeling of power and a strange sense of superiority that they are better than the perpetrator. Self-righteousness may buy you some attention from caretakers.
Victimhood has diminishing returns
In my experience, victimhood only gets you so much in the way of reward and begins to have diminishing returns. Victimhood is often an existential matter--you may be feel you are victimized and the alleged perpetrator may feel they did nothing wrong, nor may they be aware that you felt wronged. I have had people 'confront' me with some of the most stupid and crazy things they claimed I had done--but I was pretty sure I did nothing wrong.
However, victimhood is like eating the saccharin-based sweetener in the pink packets in many restaurants. The power comes with a price of feeling miserable and having a terrible taste in your mouth.
Personally, I have felt like the victim of other employers, professionals and shady administrators, roommates, and other peers who did not feel that that did anything wrong, but who told me that I needed to be welcomed to the real world. Some of them seemed to be acting in their own self-righteous distortion. There have been some strange dramas, but over time I figured that I had to move on in one way or another because I just couldn't waste my energy.
When it comes to Christmas, I hold that continuing to play the victim especially at Christmas is not going to make your Christmas any better--only more miserable. Yes, maybe some of your family could apologize, make amends, do more, or could have invited you to come, but I think that dwelling on being the victim is not using your energy to make Christmas a pleasant experience. You will become a victim of yourself.
Can you get out of the victim mode?
Some people have learned to play the victim too well. They know how to play the victim. They have begun to think in terms of being the victim in many aspects of their lives. They go into situations automatically assuming the poor helpless, victim role. They have become good scouts of situations where they can play the victim, but those situations dwindle over time and they become recluses because they have worn out their welcome.
If you are going to be alone and Christmas is going to be substandard or poor, you have choices. You can think like a victim or think about how you can spend it well. Maybe you can find some last minute gathering, or get some people together. Maybe you can get a book from the library, or maybe you can create some personal projects for Christmas.
There are no easy answers and there are no freebies. It is up to each of us as to how we will make the best of the holidays. Dwelling on thoughts of victimhood is not going to make any of us warm. What is your plan?
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