Many people who are surviving the holidays have grief and loss issues. This post will explore what the death of a loved one does to the holidays.
The grief and loss issues come up on at least two accounts. The first account is that a loved one has died on the holiday and the holiday is spoiled. The second account is that the deceased loved one was a central part of the holiday celebration. Either case tends to make for a holiday to become a day of sadness and depression.
Christmas is the holiday that death ruins for the most people. So much expectation is put on Christmas to be a happy and joyful time, that many people become fatalistic that Christmas is just going to be terrible; in other words they engage in creating a "self-fulfilling prophecy."
When people keep telling themselves over and over again that Christmas is going to be bad that they indeed make it bad. They may also dwell on the line "Christmas is just not going to be the same."
Hearing "It's the most wonderful time of the year" on the radio almost makes one want to talk to Andy Williams or whoever is singing the song and tell them to cram it where the sun doesn't shine. When feeling your grief issues, you are not happy and it seems that there is very little that will change your mood.
Death is a normal part of life.
The reality is that death is part of the normal function of life. (I realized in the late 1990's as I had one month to wait for my brain tumor to be removed that if I died, the world would go on without me.) Life begins and life ends. Just as babies will be born on Christmas, death does not take a holiday either. People of all ages will die on Christmas. People will die expectantly or suddenly at or around Christmas from all different causes that cannot be controlled by medical science.
People will sadly die in car accidents at Christmas. Since I had dabbled in journalism in an early part of my life, I became soberly aware that the common news staple of local TV stations (in the United States) is the story that tallies how many auto fatalities occur on the holiday or holiday weekend.
Suicide at the holidays
Besides car accident fatalities, there have been and will be people who commit suicide at Christmas. There are people who feel alone, overwhelmed and hopeless, who feel that they have no other option. Some of them have a mental illness and/or are abusing alcohol and drugs--which makes the problem all the more worse. Having worked in a psychiatric hospital for nearly 10 years, I have noted that ironically--the adult patient population goes down at Christmas and not up.
I hope that if you are reading this, and contemplating suicide, I offer you a message of hope--there are always other problem-solving options other than suicide. I would hope that you are reading this to help you cope another day or better yet . . . another holiday season.
I would trust that you have local mental health services or a crisis line that you can call. If you are in the United States, you can call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It has trained telephone counselors, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to take your call.
When the loved one was the host of Christmas . . .
A complicating factor of grief at the holidays is when the now departed loved one was the Christmas host. There are many families where one person made Christmas happen: they hosted it, they cooked the dinner, and they were the tradition-bearer of the family by getting everyone involved in the activities.
With the loved one gone, the traditions that help bind relationships transform into reminders of the pain. Many families seem to fall apart and lose touch with each other as a result. Invitations to get the rest of the family members to come for Christmas after the love one passes may be impossible.
Grief at the Holidays is not that simple
Grief is more often a complicated matter than we would expect. Grief is more than just feeling bad. There are a number of aspects of grief that I will look at in the next couple of posts that need their own consideration.
The grief and loss issues come up on at least two accounts. The first account is that a loved one has died on the holiday and the holiday is spoiled. The second account is that the deceased loved one was a central part of the holiday celebration. Either case tends to make for a holiday to become a day of sadness and depression.
Christmas is the holiday that death ruins for the most people. So much expectation is put on Christmas to be a happy and joyful time, that many people become fatalistic that Christmas is just going to be terrible; in other words they engage in creating a "self-fulfilling prophecy."
When people keep telling themselves over and over again that Christmas is going to be bad that they indeed make it bad. They may also dwell on the line "Christmas is just not going to be the same."
Hearing "It's the most wonderful time of the year" on the radio almost makes one want to talk to Andy Williams or whoever is singing the song and tell them to cram it where the sun doesn't shine. When feeling your grief issues, you are not happy and it seems that there is very little that will change your mood.
Death is a normal part of life.
The reality is that death is part of the normal function of life. (I realized in the late 1990's as I had one month to wait for my brain tumor to be removed that if I died, the world would go on without me.) Life begins and life ends. Just as babies will be born on Christmas, death does not take a holiday either. People of all ages will die on Christmas. People will die expectantly or suddenly at or around Christmas from all different causes that cannot be controlled by medical science.
People will sadly die in car accidents at Christmas. Since I had dabbled in journalism in an early part of my life, I became soberly aware that the common news staple of local TV stations (in the United States) is the story that tallies how many auto fatalities occur on the holiday or holiday weekend.
Suicide at the holidays
Besides car accident fatalities, there have been and will be people who commit suicide at Christmas. There are people who feel alone, overwhelmed and hopeless, who feel that they have no other option. Some of them have a mental illness and/or are abusing alcohol and drugs--which makes the problem all the more worse. Having worked in a psychiatric hospital for nearly 10 years, I have noted that ironically--the adult patient population goes down at Christmas and not up.
I hope that if you are reading this, and contemplating suicide, I offer you a message of hope--there are always other problem-solving options other than suicide. I would hope that you are reading this to help you cope another day or better yet . . . another holiday season.
I would trust that you have local mental health services or a crisis line that you can call. If you are in the United States, you can call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It has trained telephone counselors, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to take your call.
When the loved one was the host of Christmas . . .
A complicating factor of grief at the holidays is when the now departed loved one was the Christmas host. There are many families where one person made Christmas happen: they hosted it, they cooked the dinner, and they were the tradition-bearer of the family by getting everyone involved in the activities.
With the loved one gone, the traditions that help bind relationships transform into reminders of the pain. Many families seem to fall apart and lose touch with each other as a result. Invitations to get the rest of the family members to come for Christmas after the love one passes may be impossible.
Grief at the Holidays is not that simple
Grief is more often a complicated matter than we would expect. Grief is more than just feeling bad. There are a number of aspects of grief that I will look at in the next couple of posts that need their own consideration.
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