The first holiday of the American holiday season is Thanksgiving and it is less that 48 hours away.
The Canadians had their Thanksgiving the second Monday of October.
A little bit of meaning is supposed to be added by thinking back to what was alledgedly the first Thanksgiving in or about 1621 where the puritan pilgrims at Plymouth Rock in Massachuetts had a meal and gave thanks for the provisions they had for the long, hard winter. There is some patriotism involved in the remembrance as those pilgrims sought to flee persecution in England for their way of believing--one of the cornerstones of the freedoms we have in the United States.
However, the first Thanksgiving was officially celebrated in November 1863 and not 1621. On October 3, 1863 President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the national holiday of Thanksgiving to occur on the fourth Thursday of November.
Expectations
Thanksgiving has become known for the traditional feast and watching football games on TV. The feast traditionally consists of turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and other trimmings depending on your family traditions. It is an expensive feast where a family is supposed to gather together and be thankful and reflect on their blessings and then gather around and have some kind of good time. Those traditions tend to have meaning in that they bond us together in our relationships with family members.
If it is going to be a good time, family members will tolerate the lousy and worn mattresses in guest bedrooms and air mattresses set up on the floor. Also, there is tolerance of the lack of privacy and inconvenience of sleeping out in the living room or having to sleep on the floor of your parents's bedroom. If family members love each other, the inconveniences and bad backs are worth it.
The problems in 2011
In 2011, many are not going to be able to afford the food thanks to the ongoing recession. The economic numbers are alledgedly suggesting we are no longer in a recession, but the 9.0 percent-plus unemployment rate (http://www.bls.gov/cps/ on 11/22/11) still gives the feeling and air that we are still in a recession. Many are not making the money they would have to spend on the lavish meal.
The other half is the timeless reality that many families are toxic and dysfunctional to the point that gathering together would be futile and painful. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, unresolved conflict, and alcohol/substance use all contribute to the perpetuation of anger and separation. Regardless of how good the economy is, there is the pain that a family cannot be together and love and accept each other unconditionally.
The toxicity can extend to the reality that family members do not call each other nor want to call each other and even disown each other. Phone conversations and e-mails can be painful if not abusive. Some people who have made allegations of abuse get ostracized by the rest of the family as a liar who is not to be trusted. Some abuse survivors are essentially are forsaken by their families and are practically orphans (denial in the family is a strange phenomenon).
Less dysfunctional is the economic evolution where family members move away from each other to attain economic opportunities that do not exist in the town or city that used to be home base for the family. There is nothing particularly wrong with individual interests taking priority over family interests, but one consequence is that family members cannot conveniently get together. It is harder when the economy is down as the money may not be there to make the trek.
The economic evolution and family dysfunction often go hand in hand. Why would someone want to spend the money to travel a long distance to sleep on a lousy guest bed and suffer the abuse of a brother, sister or other relative who you haven't seen in a long time. In these cases you are reminded why you haven't seen them in a long time and don't want to see them again for a long time.
At least one more problem that fits in here is divorce and death. Many people have lost someone in the past year and the holiday is just not going to be the same without them. Many people are reeling from divorce and have a large black emotional hole within themselves that just steals the joy of the holiday.
For many people, Thanksgiving is likely going to be a lonely and empty day of sadness and depression because of the lack of money, the distance from your family, or the inability to cope with your dysfunctional family, or the grief that a loved one is no longer there. It could also be the doorway to another 37 of days of misery expected to end January 2, 2012.
Getting back to Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving may be easier than Christmas to cope with. Thanksgiving can be a mindset that someone can buy into. As I have discussed in my earlier posts, we have thoughts, and those thoughts will produce feelings.
Thanksgiving can be made out to be a warm and fuzzy concept connected with earth tones and romantic themes of the courage and bravery of the pilgrims. However, like the Christmas music that has been playing already for about three weeks, it can get thin, meaningless, and be easily forgotten when compared against the pain we may feel for whatever reason.
A relevant question here is "What if I have questions about the existence of God or I have problems with God given my abuse?" Why should I be thankful for something I am not sure I believe in? Many of us are therefore faced with a challenge or maybe a number of them.
Given all those challenges I think that Thanksgiving can be defined simply as
I think that there is always the possibility of finding something positive and meaningful about your situation. On the flip side I think that there is also the possibility of finding something negative and meaningless about your situation. This is akin to the old adage:
I caution that practicing Thanksgiving is not necessarily going to make you happier. It may only make you less miserable; it is no panacea.
I am mindful of my college wrestling practices at a Christian college I went to. There was a circle before practice and my coach would go around the circle and ask was good with the different guys. I realize in my preoccupied mind, I was not thinking about what was good, but about that 10-page paper I had to type with a manual typewriter. When myself or one of the other team members drew a blank, my coach would then chide with his usual sarcasm:
To which I stupidly said, "Yeah."
Thanksgiving is not a past action of nostalgia
I realize that in this intense world we live in where we are focused on the demands and requirements, thoughts about what we are thankful may be foreign. We easily get preoccupied with the demands of our lives and our perceived deficiencies in meeting those demands; we obsess about what is wrong versus and forget what is right.
The holidays and the idealism of what they should be allow for few gray areas. Idealism demands that holidays be all or nothing matter. We look to nostalgia to make things better.
Nostalgia is a selective look back to the past when you did not have one or more of the problems that you have now. Nostalgia sells lots of over-priced and cheaply-made retail items in the holiday aisles of discount retailers, but it blinds you to the reality that the the past had its problems too. My grandmother's nostalgic stories of the Great Depression seem a little far fetched to me now.
Thanksgiving is a present action of choice and not being
I hold that thanksgiving is a present action. Thanksgiving is in the here and now. Thanksgiving may include remembrance of what has happened in the past, but it should have meaning for now. For example, I am thankful that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. I am saved because of his past action. Being born again does not make me or my life perfect, but like Zig Ziglar has said, I have one less problem because I know my future is secure.
Looking at the bright side and practicing thanksgiving is a commitment. For some it may necessitate frequent reflection on what you have to be thankful for. For many it may be looking at the tiny items in your life that are good.
Thanksgiving can be hard work, especially if you are so used to looking at what you don't have. Depending on your situation, you may have to think about those tiny good things again and again throughout the day. You may have to read a list of what you are thankful 100 times a day if that is what it takes to ease your pain and give you perspective.
Another day if you want to look at it that way.
Even if the above thoughts are a little bit weak for your needs and Thanksgiving Day is still going to be miserable, I fall back to position that how you spend those 24 hours on November 24, 2011 is your choice and only your choice.
You have the power to decide how you will spend it with the resources and abilities that you have.
After awhile in the mental health business, I realized that some people are miserable because they choose to be miserable and no one was going to tell them to cheer up. They were survivors who wanted to be in control and being miserable was their way of control.
If you are wanting to be thankful, then choose to practice it--you are not necessarily going to be it because you want it, but because you DO it.
If you just want to be miserable on Thanksgiving Day, have at it. Control is like a stale potato chip. It may be stale and unappealing, but at least you have it.
The Canadians had their Thanksgiving the second Monday of October.
A little bit of meaning is supposed to be added by thinking back to what was alledgedly the first Thanksgiving in or about 1621 where the puritan pilgrims at Plymouth Rock in Massachuetts had a meal and gave thanks for the provisions they had for the long, hard winter. There is some patriotism involved in the remembrance as those pilgrims sought to flee persecution in England for their way of believing--one of the cornerstones of the freedoms we have in the United States.
However, the first Thanksgiving was officially celebrated in November 1863 and not 1621. On October 3, 1863 President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the national holiday of Thanksgiving to occur on the fourth Thursday of November.
Expectations
Thanksgiving has become known for the traditional feast and watching football games on TV. The feast traditionally consists of turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and other trimmings depending on your family traditions. It is an expensive feast where a family is supposed to gather together and be thankful and reflect on their blessings and then gather around and have some kind of good time. Those traditions tend to have meaning in that they bond us together in our relationships with family members.
If it is going to be a good time, family members will tolerate the lousy and worn mattresses in guest bedrooms and air mattresses set up on the floor. Also, there is tolerance of the lack of privacy and inconvenience of sleeping out in the living room or having to sleep on the floor of your parents's bedroom. If family members love each other, the inconveniences and bad backs are worth it.
The problems in 2011
In 2011, many are not going to be able to afford the food thanks to the ongoing recession. The economic numbers are alledgedly suggesting we are no longer in a recession, but the 9.0 percent-plus unemployment rate (http://www.bls.gov/cps/ on 11/22/11) still gives the feeling and air that we are still in a recession. Many are not making the money they would have to spend on the lavish meal.
The other half is the timeless reality that many families are toxic and dysfunctional to the point that gathering together would be futile and painful. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, unresolved conflict, and alcohol/substance use all contribute to the perpetuation of anger and separation. Regardless of how good the economy is, there is the pain that a family cannot be together and love and accept each other unconditionally.
The toxicity can extend to the reality that family members do not call each other nor want to call each other and even disown each other. Phone conversations and e-mails can be painful if not abusive. Some people who have made allegations of abuse get ostracized by the rest of the family as a liar who is not to be trusted. Some abuse survivors are essentially are forsaken by their families and are practically orphans (denial in the family is a strange phenomenon).
Less dysfunctional is the economic evolution where family members move away from each other to attain economic opportunities that do not exist in the town or city that used to be home base for the family. There is nothing particularly wrong with individual interests taking priority over family interests, but one consequence is that family members cannot conveniently get together. It is harder when the economy is down as the money may not be there to make the trek.
The economic evolution and family dysfunction often go hand in hand. Why would someone want to spend the money to travel a long distance to sleep on a lousy guest bed and suffer the abuse of a brother, sister or other relative who you haven't seen in a long time. In these cases you are reminded why you haven't seen them in a long time and don't want to see them again for a long time.
At least one more problem that fits in here is divorce and death. Many people have lost someone in the past year and the holiday is just not going to be the same without them. Many people are reeling from divorce and have a large black emotional hole within themselves that just steals the joy of the holiday.
For many people, Thanksgiving is likely going to be a lonely and empty day of sadness and depression because of the lack of money, the distance from your family, or the inability to cope with your dysfunctional family, or the grief that a loved one is no longer there. It could also be the doorway to another 37 of days of misery expected to end January 2, 2012.
Getting back to Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving may be easier than Christmas to cope with. Thanksgiving can be a mindset that someone can buy into. As I have discussed in my earlier posts, we have thoughts, and those thoughts will produce feelings.
Thanksgiving can be made out to be a warm and fuzzy concept connected with earth tones and romantic themes of the courage and bravery of the pilgrims. However, like the Christmas music that has been playing already for about three weeks, it can get thin, meaningless, and be easily forgotten when compared against the pain we may feel for whatever reason.
A relevant question here is "What if I have questions about the existence of God or I have problems with God given my abuse?" Why should I be thankful for something I am not sure I believe in? Many of us are therefore faced with a challenge or maybe a number of them.
Given all those challenges I think that Thanksgiving can be defined simply as
Looking at what is positive in your situation
or
realizing what could be worse
and
taking note of it
and
repeating as often as necessary.
Is the glass half-empty or half-full?
I caution that practicing Thanksgiving is not necessarily going to make you happier. It may only make you less miserable; it is no panacea.
I am mindful of my college wrestling practices at a Christian college I went to. There was a circle before practice and my coach would go around the circle and ask was good with the different guys. I realize in my preoccupied mind, I was not thinking about what was good, but about that 10-page paper I had to type with a manual typewriter. When myself or one of the other team members drew a blank, my coach would then chide with his usual sarcasm:
"You woke up today. You're breathing aren't you. That's good isn't it?"
To which I stupidly said, "Yeah."
Thanksgiving is not a past action of nostalgia
I realize that in this intense world we live in where we are focused on the demands and requirements, thoughts about what we are thankful may be foreign. We easily get preoccupied with the demands of our lives and our perceived deficiencies in meeting those demands; we obsess about what is wrong versus and forget what is right.
The holidays and the idealism of what they should be allow for few gray areas. Idealism demands that holidays be all or nothing matter. We look to nostalgia to make things better.
Nostalgia is a selective look back to the past when you did not have one or more of the problems that you have now. Nostalgia sells lots of over-priced and cheaply-made retail items in the holiday aisles of discount retailers, but it blinds you to the reality that the the past had its problems too. My grandmother's nostalgic stories of the Great Depression seem a little far fetched to me now.
Thanksgiving is a present action of choice and not being
I hold that thanksgiving is a present action. Thanksgiving is in the here and now. Thanksgiving may include remembrance of what has happened in the past, but it should have meaning for now. For example, I am thankful that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. I am saved because of his past action. Being born again does not make me or my life perfect, but like Zig Ziglar has said, I have one less problem because I know my future is secure.
Looking at the bright side and practicing thanksgiving is a commitment. For some it may necessitate frequent reflection on what you have to be thankful for. For many it may be looking at the tiny items in your life that are good.
Thanksgiving can be hard work, especially if you are so used to looking at what you don't have. Depending on your situation, you may have to think about those tiny good things again and again throughout the day. You may have to read a list of what you are thankful 100 times a day if that is what it takes to ease your pain and give you perspective.
Another day if you want to look at it that way.
Even if the above thoughts are a little bit weak for your needs and Thanksgiving Day is still going to be miserable, I fall back to position that how you spend those 24 hours on November 24, 2011 is your choice and only your choice.
You have the power to decide how you will spend it with the resources and abilities that you have.
After awhile in the mental health business, I realized that some people are miserable because they choose to be miserable and no one was going to tell them to cheer up. They were survivors who wanted to be in control and being miserable was their way of control.
If you are wanting to be thankful, then choose to practice it--you are not necessarily going to be it because you want it, but because you DO it.
If you just want to be miserable on Thanksgiving Day, have at it. Control is like a stale potato chip. It may be stale and unappealing, but at least you have it.
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