If you are reading this, you likely are either wanting to cope or wanting to help someone else cope. Either way is fine. Let me begin with a story.
A beginning tale . . .
After having lived off the North Carolina coast, I have come to view the Christmas holiday to be like a hurricane for many people. North Carolina is known for its hurricanes to the degree that its NHL team took on the name.
In 1998, Hurricane Danielle was bearing down on North Carolina. We heard over one week in advance that one of the projected tracks was for us in Fayetteville. Since Fayetteville had been hit badly in 1996 by Hurricane Fran, the remembering people of the traumatized city were getting everything they could need to ride out the storm and then they were mostly going to lock themselves in their homes to wait for the storm to pass.
There was a lot of hurricane-related commerce. People were creating their hurricane survival kits which included water, ice, batteries, canned food, and fuel (portable generators were not quite in vogue yet). The lumber yards were selling plywood for people to board up their windows.
Talk about the hurricane was everywhere . . . on the TV . . . on the radio . . . and on the street. Every where I went strangers would make small talk about the hurricane and the latest forecast. On the day the actual hurricane was hitting the coast, the local morning radio announcer was on the air the whole day whining about buying a certain type of portable radio that required "D" batteries and not being able to get "D" batteries at 5:30 in the morning and again at 6:00 pm at night. He wanted to know why he could not find "D" batteries? (Someone finally told him at 6:00 pm that they were the most common flashlight battery and thus likely snatched up.)
On the day of the hurricane, people were indeed closed in their houses or the hurricane shelter. The hurricane-force winds made the rain horizontal. You were sure to get soaked if you just stepped outside your door for even one second when the storm passed. I had some concerns that I would return home from a 12-hour shift at a hurricane shelter to find my apartment destroyed or damaged (fortunately it wasn't) or my wife hurt (she was fine).
For many of us, the holiday season is indeed like a hurricane . . . an emotional hurricane. For one . . . or many reasons we do not expect a happy holiday season. We instead expect a miserable holiday season. We are going go ride out the storm . . . an emotional storm versus a meterological event.
The emotional storm for many can be overwhelming. Either an individual is depressed because they are not happy and feel they should be, and/or they are depressed because their family is a train wreck and family gatherings are like watching professional wrestling on TV.
Many people take their own lives because they are depressed at Christmas time. My leaning (not actual knowledge) is that those who did take their own lives were clinically depressed (a medical condition treatable by medication), and became even more depressed because of the holiday. I hope that this blog can help someone hold on . . . feelings do not kill us . . . however our negative or unhealthy choices that we make in response to our feelings could.
If you are reading this for your needs, you are likely already having distress about the holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas and even the Advent Season are distressful for people. Many expect to find fulfillment and contentment in these holidays, but there have been disappointments, and hurt and pain in the past and we are expecting the past to repeat itself in the form of a hurricane.
A starting point of change: It is okay to have feelings
One of my life journeys is to be okay with the feelings that I have. I grew up with family members and acquaintances who told me . . .
"You really don't feel that way."
It took me years to tell people politely . . .
Excuse me, I do feel that way.
I honestly think that I have probably chased a few family members away with that line, but I felt better and I did nothing wrong.
For many people, it can be a radical enough change to accept that they will have sad and depressed feelings and that it is okay that they do.
- They are not sinning by having these feelings.
- They are not committing a crime by having these feelings.
What are Feelings?
John Bradshaw calls feelings or emotions a types of energies that tell us that we have a need or our needs are met (Bradshaw on the Family). Anxiety motivates us to get moving because there is danger we don't know how to handle. Anger moves us stand our ground and protect ourselves when we feel the need to fight, confront, or argue. Happiness tells us our needs are met for the present.
Feelings are powerful
The energy that feelings provide work with our impulses. We can snap at people against our better judgment when we are pushed and we are already angry about other things. We can get panic attacks that resemble heart attacks when we are too anxious. I just have to watch toddlers take things in anger for no reason to be reminded of the power of anger.
But, we are going to feel bad at times in this life. We will have sadness and grief in this life. We are going to have disappointments in this life. Things are not going to be what we want at times in this life.
I hope that it is perhaps a message of relief that there is nothing defective about a person just because they are having sad and depressed feelings.
In the Bible, my namesake (King David) had many feelings including fear and sadness and the Bible reports him having cried on a number of occasions despite the guy being a battle-hardened soldier and King of the nation. What is even more crazy is that he danced in public like a dancing fool when the ark of the covenant came back. I look to those stories that feelings happen and I feel a bit more normal.
The Challenge
There are four days until American Thanksgiving, 36 days until December 26 and 42 days until January 2, 2012 when the storms will have passed. We will have feelings. They are normal. Their power may be very strong at times, but there is hope that we will be able to cope.
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