Backing up a step--considing the meaning of the word survival

Since my blog is about surviving the holiday, I thought I would back up and look at the concept of survival.

Canadian Les Stroud is the “Survivorman,” and a master of wilderness survival. Stroud does a show that I enjoy that comes on “The Science Channel” in the United States and the OLN Channel in Canada.

The usual format of the show is that Stroud goes out alone to some different wilderness area for about one week with his cameras, a few odd items and fewer legitimate survival tools. He must be creative in making a shelter with whatever he can find.  He also must go through humiliating and desperate measures to get food and water which can mean eating weed roots and bugs.

As he talks to the camera, Stroud will lecture about various subjects related to survival including the psychology of survival. A lot of it is keeping a level head and not getting anxious. After one week, Stroud is able to go to a rescue spot or zone where he is picked up and the show ends.   I watch the show and repeatedly think that Les Stroud is a better man than I am when it comes to survival.

A laundary list describing survival behaviors

However, when it comes to the matter of emotional survival, you are not eating roots and bugs like Les Stroud, but you are likely engaging in a number of emotional gymnastics or behavior patterns as identified quite nicely by James Messina Ph.D:

• Those behaviors you needed to exhibit in order to survive in an abusive, neglecting or ignoring environment in your family of origin, marriage, work, or school setting. 
• The walls or barriers which you have built between you and others so that you will never be hurt again like you were in the past. 
• Your pulled-in feelings which you are no longer willing to share with others lest they take advantage of your vulnerability. 
• The closing off of your vulnerable side for fear of being hurt again. 
• The insecurity and lack of trust you exhibit to others who reach out to show interest or concern to you. 
• Your lack of tolerance and apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of people who have their own problems and are in pain. This is especially true if you think their problems compared to your past ones are trivial or less severe. 
• The competitive way in which you deal with people always looking out for “who is the winner or loser” in each human transaction you encounter. 
• The coldness and “detachment” you display as you describe your problems from your past. 
• The often hostile, negativistic, sarcastic, and cynical attitude you hold towards life. 
• The often bitter, acrid, and biting comments you make about aspects of your life. 
• The often uncontrollable anger, rage, and hatred that you exude as you speak of past hurts.
• Your unwillingness to consider that there might be more viable options for you to cope with life than your “tried and proven” self-defensive model. 
• Your defensive and “closed in” attitude when others suggest to you a constructive criticism over something you have said or done. 
• Your inability to warm up to people and your shy and retiring ways whenever you are in a new social situation.
• Your fear of speaking up in a group of people lest they not accept or approve of you.
• Your desire to be invisible so as not to be hurt or abused in any way.
• Your guardedness and watchfulness in your interactions with people lest they get to know too much about you for fear they take advantage of you with that information.

http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/tempersurvivalbehaviors.html

I think that we all engage in survival behaviors from time to time.  We are going to be in unpleasant and abusive situations at work, church, in court, school and family situations. 

I see many people in my current situation who are survivors, and many people in my past who evidenced to be survivors.   I will be cautious in my examples.

Going back 26 years ago, I recall the residential director (RD) at the small college I went to for my first two years of undergrad.  The RD was a patronizing stick in the mud when it came to ALL the rules.  He made enemies among the male students, but the adminstration liked him because he was strict.   I remember seeing an interaction between the RD and a guy I knew named Tom.  In this encounter in one of the dorm TV lounges I observed that Tom barely looked at the RD and was guarded and angry.  The RD snapped at Tom.  I look back and saw that Tom was surviving the interaction with the RD and neither Tom nor the RD had the emotional intelligence to understand it but Tom told me later that he merely thought the RD was a jerk.

More recently, on the American version of the TV show, The X Factor the young rapper that goes by the stage name Astro demonstrated survivor behaviors when he was one of the bottom two and had to perform well enough to stay on the show.  Judge Simon Cowell confronted him and told him that he had a bad attitude.   From my perspective, Astro was demonstrating that he was still just a kid with limited poise and surviving the pressure of being under the gun on national TV.

Surviving should be a temporary situation, but there are occasions when it seems to become a enduring way of life.  If someone is going through a messy divorce, they are likely surviving for a longer period of time.  If someone has ex-spouse who is a borderline personality or narcissist (like two of my friends have) the surviving can go on for years whenever it has to do with the kids and child support.   If someone is a caretaker of a loved one with a chronic and terminal illness, survival seems to become the norm.  I do recognize that there are some people who have to survive because of their settings.  

Surviving or Thriving?

I have no doubt that many people are surviving this holiday season because they feel obligated to endure abusive and judgmental family members.  They are surviving the memories of the past abuse and their imagination predicting more of the same.  As a result they are engaged in survival behavior patterns.

However, I have concluded that too many people make surviving a way of life when they do not have to.   The survival situation has long-ended but they continue to go on in survival patterns because it is what they know.   Some people go on surviving because they are not aware they can be different.  Some people have some irrational beliefs about the world.  Too many people continue to act as if they are surviving when there is no danger evident. I have seen people carry on too long with the above italicized list.

I have to ask the question: are you really only surviving the the holiday because you have to, or do you have a bad habit of surviving instead of thriving? 

I plan to visit this later.  Tomorrow happens to be the first Sunday in Advent.