Oh No. New Years Eve--another romaticized and lonely holiday

I am planning two more entries for this blog before closing shop and while I have been talking about putting the past behind and looking to the future, it does serve to recognize that New Years Eve is another opportunity for pain and loneliness. 

How New Years Eve is Celebrated

New Years Eve seems to be more of an individual time where people are with friends and significant others than with families.  It is supposed to be a fun time where people get together to mark the changing the of the year.  The ideal is to put on tuxedos and ball gowns and throw confetti and drink champagne when the clock strikes midnight new years eve.

Some people are stand in Times Square in New York City to watch the ball drop.  When the ball drops couples will give each other a kiss to ring in the new year.  Some will propose marriage to each other. I do not find standing out in the cold for up to eight hours very interesting, but I am satisfied to watch it on TV in the comfort of my livingroom as I burrow in thinking how safe I am being off the road from all the likely drunk drivers on the road.

Some people may go to church services to ring in the new year.  For them it is a spiritual event to be with God.

Where the pain and loneliness is . . .

For many people, it will be lonely.  Maybe some had hopes that by this time they would have someone to hold and be with and the wait would be over--someone who would make them feel special and with whom they belonged.  Others have lost loved ones during the year and this is another holiday without them.   Some people have gotten separated and/or divorced and are still reeling in the numbness of the loss of the relationship.   The emotions get complicated when you are alone and you do not feel like being with anyone. 

Loneliness is when being alone hurts and we have a need to be with people.  It is complicated when someone is a survivor and has a hard time trusting.  This is something I have discussed in other blog posts.

New years eve seems to be associated with alcohol assumption.  Many people will drink themselves to the point of being drunk.  They will have poor judgment and get behind the steering wheels of their cars and they will get arrested at some police checkpoint. 

At this point, I have to recognize as I have in other posts that some people are going to have pain as they think about the hurts of the past year.   Some will simply drink themselves to sleep to escape the loneliness and pain.

Moving on.

If you are not relating to this, congratulations.  If you are relating to the material I am writing tonight, I would encourage you to try and focus on something else tonight and work to stop focusing on pain. They call this 'thought stopping.'  Maybe think about what you want from the new year (see my previous blog). Consider watching the dropping of the ball on TV and then go to bed.  

It is another holiday that will end and tomorrow will be a new day.  I wish I had something better to say but hold on, consider reading some of the previous posts of this blog if you are looking for coping skills.

See you next year--or better yet tomorrow.  

Pressing forward and putting the past behind us

The google stats function does not exactly tell me how many repeat visitors following me, but I am rehashing the subject of dealing with the past since we are dealing with a point in time where we look back and we look ahead and try to balance the two.  Forgive me if this repeats too much since I have talked about regrets and past trauma, but since this is now the new year weekend I had a new thought.

We all have a history and we often find ourselves facing with it as it sometimes keeps us from moving forward.  We can feel paralyzed by the past whether it is the critical comments of parents and other influential people or our own mistakes.   On the other hand, some people have had so much success that they do not feel that they can keep it up.   The product is a lack of confidence that keeps us from moving forward and feeling fulfilled and satisfied for what we are doing.

Legitimate life long consequences.

There are some situations where there will be life-long consequences.  There will be some scars on reputations and bodies due to poor judgment and bad decisions and otherwise bad circumstances. 

These scars may legitimately prevent some opportunities from happening such as getting certain jobs due to a felony.  Felonies may also keep individuals from getting admitted to schools and getting professional licensure in multiple professions.

Some relationships get changed forever through divorce and extra-marital affairs.  Some people lose statuses as trustees and deacons in churches.  Ministers who studied extra to follow the call of God get fired and have to leave the ministry due to divorce and extra-marital affairs.  I have met one minister who was genuinely repentant and one who rationalized his behavior by calling the church's values "archaic."   Nevertheless, infidelity and divorce do often shake and shatter worlds.

In these cases a person faces new limits and boundaries that cut off desired opportunities.  The limits and boundaries are both an emotional and physical stress that make people want to hide.  From what I can tell, people have grief and loss processes that they must go through to put the past behind and look for ways to move on.

Emotional blocks

Some of the trauma we have experience by abusive parents and abusive bosses may put a block on our beliefs about what we can do and not do.   Many adults still hold onto childhood beliefs without questioning their validity.

One powerful block on confidence is being a victim of a violent crime that include robbery and rape.  Trauma from violence has this way of shaking previously confident adults.   Yes, a once-confident adult is reduced to a person cowering in fear and paranoia over whether it is going to happen again.


Thinking about what could have been can be a dead end

Some people have done some really bad things and they will likely think about what they did every day, but the world keeps turning. While I do not have precise answers, there can be opportunity in the future.  The question is whether or now you will let yourself look in that direction. 

I have seen that the act of comparing what could have been with what is has been a common human activity.  I think that we all do it.  Doing it for a long time takes energy away from moving ahead.  

Along these lines, guessing what your high school and college classmates might be thinking and doing, and comparing their success with yours can also be a waste.  Unless you are actually stuck around a bunch of them and they are talkative sorts, then it is legitimate.  However the majority of people from our past have moved on and are living their own lives--it is highly unlikely they are dwelling on your faults.

Often we paralyze ourselves when we put ourselves in competition with others. The ridiculous part is that we work up a big, imaginary picture in our heads of what they are doing versus that we will never verify and can never, ever know.

The world moves on. People forget what happened and are busy with their own business and worries.  However, we make ourselves feel as if our problems are the leading story on the national network news every night and that everyone is glued to the screen sitting on edge to hear every detail.  

Get up again

When we fall, it is a matter of getting up again.  Some people will be able to get up and run.  However, I think most people when they get up again, they take one slow, step at a time.  Going slower is more more normal. 

Getting up to pursue opportunity may be first a matter of convincing yourself that it is what you are going to do.  Then you may have to slowly knock on doors to determine what your reality is.

We cannot get up the same way to the same opportunities--it just does not happen.  However, I think that the future, including the new year offers that can be positive, fulfilling and rewarding.  It just depends on whether we are looking for them or staring backwards and failing to see what is coming.

Goals (not resolutions) for the New Year

Over the past several years, I have tried to make a list of goals for the new year.  I have not been successful every year in making the list, but it has been helpful when I do.  I think that creating a list of goals makes for a more positive outlook and a balanced life.

I got interested in making lists of goals after listening to a tape by Charles Givens.  He decided on what he wanted to do and achieve.   He said that his list of goals were items that he wrote down with a marker on a pad of paper.  Givens said that when he got done with the list he came up with another list of things that he wanted to do.

Goals: What are they?

My definition of a goal is a desired, specific accomplishment or achievement.  For the purpose of this post--a goal can also be a project.  They can take a few minutes or they can take years.  They can be big or small.  We can have goals for the minute, hour, day, or our lives.

I frankly think that a healthy goal should be something that takes no more than a few years at the most (although it took me seven (7) years to get my Ph.D.).  Otherwise we tend to waste energy when we could accomplish smaller tasks that matter to us.

How do we decide the goals we pursue?

There are many sources of goals.  Ideally goals arise out of our values and principles.  Goals also arise out of corporate mission statements, which are related to individual values and principles.  Goals also arise out of our interests and curiosities.  Goals also arise out of our less-than desirable circumstances (we may decide that we need to find a new job, career, or living situation).

What makes for a good goal?

A good goal should be concrete, measurable, reasonable, and achievable.  A good goal should push you a little and make you work and stretch yourself so that you grow.

To say I want to be a better person or I want to be skinny are not concrete but vague and nebulous and nowhere likely to be accomplished--and lead to hopelessness and frustration and lower self-esteem.  More concrete goals in these cases are I am going to stop swearing or gossiping or I am going to join Weight Watchers and endeavor to lose 30 pounds.

To say I want to be the next Tom Cruise is concrete, and probably measureable, but the only way I could be the next Tom Cruise is to go and legally change my name--and will not make me achieve Hollywood Star status making millions of dollars a picture.  (I actually relish my plain average person status and feel relieved sometimes that the Tabloids are not interested in me and that  Paparazzi do not follow me around trying to get embarassing and unflattering pictures).  Some concrete goals are nothing more than pipe dreams.

Examples of Goals:

The following are lists of good and reasonable goals for average people.

• Run or walk in a mini marathon.
• Plant a garden if you have the space
• Read five books in different subject areas.
• Save a specific amount of money.
• Get specific projects done in your house.
• Redo your resume.
• Find a new job.
• Take a night class (a foreign language class would be good).
• Take the ACT, SAT or GRE test this year.
• Go back to school
• Get a new professional certification
• Go on a vacation to someplace different.
• Build a wood project or an electronic project.

End result: Satisfaction and fulfillment

One of my most challenging projects on my lists over the years was re-doing the floor of the workroom of my garage in 2010.  The original owner/builder of the garage put down tile back in the 1970s.  It was ugly and moldy due to dry rot and what the regular flooding did to the adhesive.  I had to stop in part due to distraction from family medical issues, and I had to figure someway to remove the tile because I kept going through propane torches trying to heat the tile.  It took me trial and error but I ended up using a hatchet to chop at the tile.  I then finally was able to epoxy paint the floor in 2010. 

It was a simple goal that turned out not to be so simple and it challenged me, but I still feel very good about the accomplishment.  It looks good and I did it myself. There was something about the process that stretched me in figuring out how to get the job done. 

Limits: don't create too long of a list

If this idea of a list of goals appeals to you, go for it.  However, I think some restraint is in order.  I think a list of goals should be no longer than 10 goals.  When people make too many goals the size of the list can be overwhelming and people never get anything done. There is always the option of adding to the list when you accomplish the goals.

I hope that your 2012 is a year full of satisfaction and achievement because you set good goals to make your life better.  

Resolutions: The self-torture prior to New Years Day.

I usually hear something every year about resolutions.  With the turn of the new year, we want to do that we should have done.  Many want to stop cussing, drink less, be nicer or mainly lose weight.

Of course I think that I am a sucker for resolutions.  I make my few--usually about weight loss.

Nearly everyone who makes them is unable to keep them for longer than a few days.  However, it never fails to amaze me that that the different weight loss products take a center spot in stores about now.  I figure that many people will buy one box or one cannister and it will sit partially empty for the rest of the year.

I think that most resolutions fail because they are vague, general goals.  They are also generally drastic in nature versus achievable.  To get skinny is a lot harder than to lose 20 pounds.

I think that many people stress over the large or radical goals that they want to achieve; they are being too idealistic.  They push themselves and immediately start dreading the possible misery that the changes will encounter. They cannot keep it up and soon feel depressed that they failed. 

Sustainability

It is my opinon that for us to make changes that mean something, we have to be able to sustain them--that is be able to keep them going.   We should have expectations that are realistic . . . in other words they are lower and go slower or take longer.  The lower our expectations and the slower we are able to go, the more sustainable the goal or resolution is.

I think that it is harder to go slower on many resolutions because of what I call the microwave oven effect.  We can do a lot of other things faster in this world that include rapid heating of food in a microwave and send information on the internet.  However, there are many other goals and tasks that are going to take time regardless of how fast we can get other things done.

Frustration Tolerance

When we ponder that achievements like weight loss are going to take time, we get frustrated.  People who cannot work through the feeling of frustration either do not start or do not finish the race.  A scholar and professional named Marsha Lenihan noted that many need to develop the coping skills to handle and tolerate the feeling of frusration. Being able to feel the frusration is half the battle.


Concluding thoughts

Well, if you are pondering a resolution for the new year and feeling scared or dread, consider slowing down.  It is your life and unless you get into an office weight-loss contest life is otherwise not a race.  You and I live life at the pace we essentially choose. When you and I feel like we have to compete with others in achieving resolutions, we torture ourselves even more.  It does not have to be that way.

The future--don't get carried away worrying about it.

With the coming of the new year, people do contemplate and worry about what the new year will bring.  We're getting older, we may not have been satisfied or we were disappointed with 2011 . . . the list could go on as to why to dread the new year.

2011 has had its dread.  The Reverend Harold Camping made his two predictions.  Many are freaking out about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012. 

Throughout my life, I have seen doom-sayer after doom-sayer make predictions and then crawl away after their 15 minutes of notoriety.  Prior to the fall of the Soviet Union, there were countless people engaged in studying and rehashing prophecy about who was the anti-christ and when Jesus was coming back.

I am one of those people who have decided not to get carried away about how or when the world is going to end . . . at least now.   I find that too much emotion and not enough logic is behind all of those scares.  Perhaps I am cynical--no one is perfect.

When it comes down to it, I have to take a few cues from the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.  There is nothing new under the sun--stuff comes around again.  All economic forecasting is basically a form of saying the past is going to be the future.   However, to me the most salient statement in Ecclesiastes is 7:14,

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future. (NIV)

I think that the passages of the Bible indicate that people have always dreaded the future.  Some generations had more to dread than others. 

History is always a good teacher.  While nothing is guaranteed, the world has kept turning. 

Getting spiritual for a moment, there are a few things that believers in God can take comfort in.  There is a future and Jesus Christ is coming back. When is a mystery, but it will happen.  Until then you and I have a choice as to how we are to live--hopefully in the wisest possible way.

That being said, I blend in a secular statement from Wayne Dyer:

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.

And so it was Christmas . . . and what had you done? Does it matter now?

December 26 has came and is almost gone.  It is now a symbol that the great capitalist economic engine moves on after exploiting a holy day with its after-Christmas sales.

The Christmas music has stopped playing in retail stores, and the all-Christmas-music all-the-time format has given way to the regular Gen-X or light-rock rotations.  I was almost embarrassed today when my kids were pressing practically all the Christmas music digital samples on a compact disc display in the Christmas section today of a store.  I was sick of Christmas music, and I imagine others are too (although they will still be playing Christmas music at the "Feast of the Epiphany" mass).  

The different discount retailers I had visited have slashed prices on the now passe' Christmas items--and most of the Christmas items are gone.  They have started to put out New Years party items and over-the-counter diet pills and diet shake powders.  I figure tomorrow they will start putting out Valentine items, and before you know it there will be Easter items.  

There is the reality that no matter how you feel the world moves on. Yesterday may have been meaningful, empty, lonely, sad, tumulteous, enraging, or just plain dismal for you, but the media, economy, and the world are moving on.   Some of us may still be licking our wounds, but the world is calling us to move on with it regardless of our pain or nostalgia.

What keeps us in the past?

We usually stay in the past when there is anger.  We continue to dwell on the pain and abuse suffered at the hands of others.   When we dwell on the anger, we usually are simultaneously angry at ourselves because we could have and should have done something to defend ourselves or defeat the scumbucket abuser.  In this case to move out of the past there is the need to forgive ourselves and forgive the offender in order to stop wasting energy on the past.

Some do continue to be nostalgic and dwell on how the past was better than the present.  Given the current recession and high unemployment rate, this is not unreasonable.   The author of Ecclesiastes noted thousands of years ago that people were doing this then too:

Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”
For it is not wise to ask such questions. (Ecclesiastes 7:10) (NIV)

I think that we all get nostalgic at times when times are tough--it reminds us that things have been good for us and not all bad, but too much of it also keeps people in the past. 

Nostalgia is an idealistic rememberance of the past that ignores that it had problems too.  For example, I remember my now-dying grandmother being nostalgic in 1983 how cheap college tuition was during the great depression years, but the reality was that no one had much money and so supply had to reach down to demand when it came to pricing.  Nostalgia also can spend way too much of our energy needed for today.

 Things matter only as much as we let them

Whether yesterday was great or terrible, it will matter today and tomorrow as much as we let it matter.  The amount of time we spend thinking about it and the intensity of emotion we allow show how much something or someone matters. 

If we have been nursing a grudge for years, we have been investing a lot in the pain.  Just beginning to forgive ourselves and our offenders is a grief process in itself.  We have been putting so much of our time and resources feeling angry and thinking about what was done to us and researching (versus fantastizing) alternative options for revenge.

There comes a point in time where the hurt and pain becomes irrelevant to our situation.  After so much passage of time the average person in our circles cannot relate to us when we talk about bitterness we have carried for so long.  They cannot even begin to relate to the embarrassments or incidents or issues of 1978 or 1987 or even 1997.   It goes back to things matter only as much as you let them matter today because they are only in your memory.

Well, I have to move on too.  I am thinking to the future, and my next posts will relate to the future. 

Peace in the Quiet on Christmas Day

Well, today is Christmas Day, a day where we remember the coming of the Prince of Peace.  The world around me seems quiet.   It is not all quiet as the news had stories about two churches in Africa being bombed by Islamic groups.  But for me the freeway that is about 120 feet away is quiet and I have not heard any sirens.  The traffic was light to church and back.   

The children got along for the most part until they had some typical sibling rivalry while playing Wii before church.  Except for the dishwasher and television, the house is quiet as we settle down to quiet time and naps.

At church we sang I heard the bells on Christmas Day. I saw someone roughly a century and a half ago struggling with the issue of justice and hate on Christmas Day. 

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

The author's encounter with God comes through the ringing of these bells in that the music (not words speak to him):

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men
Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Given my journey and my expectations, I can look at today and say that the silence will be good today.  As I reflect, it has not always been good.

The silence and quiet is sometimes scary

For silence to be enjoyed there often has to be peace within a person, and of course one of the phrases is "peace on earth and good will towards man."  People hope and expect to find peace at Christmas, and religious faith does not always seem to cut it.

However, peace depends on one's expectation.   If our expectations are not met and we are not feeling a sense of contentment, we will likely feel unsettled and uncomfortable inside.  The silence often is uncomfortable as we feel the anxiety.

I have came to decide that there is an emotional continuum when it comes to silence and being alone.

Need                       Ambivalence                                   Need
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Privacy                   Content                                            Loneliness

At one end is need where we seek privacy and we set boundaries and be by ourselves.  At the other end is the need for people and we are feeling lonely.   In the middle we have a point where we at a relative sense of peace and we are ambivalent or we could care less about being around people.

It has been my opinion that when we have anxiety and pain, we generally have a difficult time being alone with our thoughts and we cannot stand the silence.   When leading therapy groups over the years, I have seen people start to giggle nervously when the room grows quiet--their anxiety was too high to be able to stand the silence.

We also are more likely to feel lonely when we are thinking about our regrets, our hurts, and our unfulfilled expectations.  If someone is a survivor who is guarded and stays away from people, the loneliness may be more intense than they would care to admit, but they are able to make it look they just need more privacy.

Peace is a choice and a priority

As I have noted elsewhere in these blog posts, we have choices.  We have choices with our activities, words, and thoughts.  Peace within a person is a choice.  Sometimes it takes work and practice.
In a sense it is an act of faith.  Too many people think that if they let their guard down, they are going to miss something. 

Not everything in this world is too important to miss.  Everything will have its importance at one time or another.  Everything cannot be of equal importance at the same time. 

Furthermore, not everything demands attention at this time.  We usually can prioritize matters as to when they are due.  It is amazing how much more peace and comfort people feel when they prioritize.

Too many of us dwell on the pain of the past.  It is only as important as we prioritize it.  We will remember it, but dwelling sometines makes it too important and we disrupt our inner peace, afterall, we can do nothing to resolve the past--it is gone except in how we remember it.  Dwelling on the past can create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Tomorrow has yet to come.  We will deal with it when we get there.  Worrying about it can also create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Today only has to be as complicated as we make it.  In the uncomplicated present we can deal with it to a relative satisfaction and we can create some sense of peace even with a dying relative or a toxic relative drinking their fifth beer and getting belligerant.

As usual, I can do this for me, but I cannot do it for you.  I hope that you are able to choose and find peace in the quiet of this Christmas Day.

Yep. It is Christmas Eve. Did you get ready?

It is Christmas Eve and the stores have been closed for about five hours.  For those of us survivalists out there, we have made our last trip to the grocery store and we either have what we need or we will "suffer" without it for 32 hours while Hurricane "December 25" comes and goes.

Yes, we have heard nothing but Christmas music and talk about Christmas on TV, on the Radio, in the newspapers, and in the everyday talk amongst co-workers, neighbors, friends, and acquaintances.  We will still not get away from Christmas until December 26 when Christmas Day has passed.  

Assuming that you are amongst the survivors, did you get ready?  Do you have your coping skills and strategies in place?  Do you have your affirmations that you will repeat to yourself?  Do you have your plans for how to respond to abusive and intrusive relatives at family gatherings?   It is time to be ready because the time has arrived. 

Some people never get ready

I do think that some people never get ready.  I remember one particular patient.  While she had chronic mental illness, she actually presented as quite intelligent.  She claimed to have no friends, no money, and no family to go to at Christmas.  She was a very difficult patient in that she contradicted everything I suggested and she regularly canceled sessions just before the scheduled time with an insincere-sounding 'sorry.'  

She liked to call at the last minute on the last workday before the Christmas holiday and complain that she had nothing and she was lonely.  The first time I felt sorry.  The second time, I believed it was a bit.   She didn't want to take the advice and she made her choices.

I concluded that she just liked the victim role.  She controlled others with it and she made a lot of enemies while taking liberties under the guise of victimhood.  However, to this day I occasionally wonder if she just liked to yank chains or if she was really as bad off as she claimed to be?   Whatever it was she was a miserable person that either did not want to plan or wouldn't tell you if she did.

Some plans do fall through

While some people refuse to plan, some people have plans fall through. In this life, we have plans, and then we have what actually happens.  Some people will find themselves alone this Christmas for numerous reasons when they originally had plans.

If our plans fall through, we have to look at the choices available to us.  The choices are not always attractive and it can be a matter of which is least objectionable--you plug your nose and choose the less-stinky one.

We have all had plans fall through. The good news for most people is that they have resilience and can problem-solve and create a "plan B" or even plans C, D. or F. Christmas will not likely be as good as originally planned, but the experience of Christmas will be found to have some good in it.

The important statement is we have to look at the choices available to us. We will not all have the same choices.  But we have choices.  I can only make my choices while you can only make your choices.  

December 25 has 24 hours like every other day

If you are still dreading Christmas for whatever reason and cannot come up with any other plan but to stay in bed, I offer that it has 24 hours like every other day on the calendar.  December 25 will end and society will get back to its normal rhythms of life and then we can get lost in the normal madness of regular life. 

A Relative Near Death at the Holidays: What matters today?.

As I wrote earlier on November 30, death knows no holidays.  People will die after long illnesses and then people will die suddenly.  It doesn't affect us until it is a member of our family.  This holiday weekend many people will be in hospitals with their critically ill and terminally ill loved ones.  Many people will be called to nursing homes and hospices because the time is drawing near.   It will be a difficult holiday for which many will  survive.

Today I am one of them.   A few days ago, we got a tip off of my cousin's Facebook page that my grandmother was not doing well and did not seem to have very long.  (In my family . . . information is where you get it as we are not particularly close and live long distances from each other.)  My wife called for me and got more specific information--it was not looking good--in summary--my grandmother was slowly slipping away.

I wavered over the decision whether to come or not come.  I decided to make the run just before Christmas Eve to see her at least one last time.

Yes, my 101-year-old grandmother has bugged me over the years in one way or another.  Even though I am in my mid-40's, she still talked to me as if she saw me as the little kid.  She reminded me last year that as a five-year-old I still promised to hug her.  (Berne was a genius in his Transactional Analysis theory--because it describes my relationship with my grandmother to a "T."   She still talks to me as a little kid even though I have two masters and a doctorate.)

Being human

Even though I am a mental health professional, I am still very much human.  We mental health professionals as humans still have feelings.  We cannot look objectively at everything.  On the personal side of things, we have to be human.  For me, I have to say that I am numb as a reaction to this situation.

Hopefully, a mental health professional practices what they preach, but in my experience, I have met many mental health professionals who do not practice what they preach.  They can reach over the professional-patient boundary to tell patients how to do things, but their private world is quite often a hot mess.  For them there is a grave lack of integrity between what they practice and what they preach to the point that they are the pot calling the kettle black and are just miserable colleagues to be around.

Over the years, I have sought to suggest only things I would do myself or have tried myself.  My patients and clients are my fellow human beings that I serve.  I may be the professional, but they are of equal worth to me, and today I am trying something again that I have suggested to others.

What really matters today? 

Being human today, I have found myself to have been a bit like a robot.  I had one mission: to get out of work early and drive like a crazy man (yes I said crazy) five hours to see my grandmother.  It was what mattered today.  I have had to ask myself what matters so I do not regret things?

While it is not perfect and that there is always the possibility of regret later when we do our hindsight 20-20 analysis,  I think that those in a similar position today--who have a loved one near death or who is critically ill may do better by asking the question:

What matters?

Asking what matters helps us identify the basic and simple priorities.   Numbness does not allow us to do much thinking about details and fine points. Feeling overwhelmed makes one tend to think in concrete terms and extra-tired when we try to figure everything out.   Asking what matters also tells us about our values and helps us feel some sense of clarity

For me, it very much mattered to come and see my grandmother.  Even though she did not like look herself, was confused, and could not say much, seeing her was the right thing to do.  I fulfilled my promise to still hug her 41 years later.  I feel at least some peace because it is what matters in this moment and I believe I can look back on future holidays and take comfort in it.

May you find peace in what matters.

Stop Rehearsing Your Come-Backs.

I have both read and heard many people talk about their stress at Christmas regarding being around certain family members who are judgmental, critical, and verbally abusive.   These family members are also nosy and intrusive and trying to get into your personal issues that are none of their business.

It is usually just stressful to be around these family members because of what they have said in the past.   People make themselves even more stressed by rehearsing their come-backs or retorts to these relatives.

Anger has a funny way of motivating to rehearse our lines.

We remember what those abusive relatives said.  We remember the pain and anger that we have continued to feel. We then remember what we said . . . or didn’t say, and we feel the feelings that come with our memories of our failure, which are guilt and anger.

We may also remember the placating and patronizing comments of other loved ones:

• You know how they are . . . oh, just let it roll off your back.
• But they do love you and want the best for you.

Those comments did nothing and still do nothing to make us feel any better.

As the anger mounts, we feel our adrenalin and then resolve not to let this happen again. How dare they get into our personal business and make comments they had no business making! We think  that we have to take things into our own hands because the other family members are not going to come to our assistance.

Then we brainstorm a list of witty or creative comments we could say or might say. We evaluate the different possibilities. We look at the more profane or blue options. We will then think about what the others might say, stick their noses in it, and how they will shame us for what we will have just said.

After we make our lists, we then practice our delivery. We’re not satisfied.  We want the perfect comment that is going to make that abusive and idiotic family member shut up, apologize for all of their previous sins and grovel in repentance. The perfect line never seems to come.

We practice some more. We get frustrated because it does not come out perfectly.

The snowball effect.

Because we are angry some other past hurt comes to the front of our mind from our memory bank. We think about another list of options and rehearse even more.

The anger begins to affect us physically. We get tense. We start to get a little nauseous. We might begin to get the beginning tinges of a tension headache.

At this point we may begin to feel a little overwhelmed because it seems to be rather hopeless. WE FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND WE ARE GOING TO LOOK STUPID AND WE CANNOT STOP IT!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admitting reality and practicing true self-control

I have decided that sometimes surrender is freedom. This is one of those times.

There is a 99.9 percent chance that the abusive, nosy, controlling and meddling people who we are getting all worked up about won't listen.  They will also not admit that they are wrong for what they said.  They are stupid, stubborn and pig-headed. (Maybe we are too.)  No matter how perfect your come-back is going to be, it will fall on deaf ears.

So, many of us are getting all angry, anxious, and tense, wasting our energy on trying to create comments that are not going to do us any good.   We are putting ourselves in an impossible position.

I think in this case surrendering means accepting the a no-win situation.  This rehearsal is actually competing for something that is proving to be futile and worthless--the respect of someone who has no clue on how to give it.    Yep, this particular family member we are rehearsing to shout down isn't bright enough to realize human manners and grace.  We are competing to look stupid if we continue the rehearsal of the come-backs.

This surrender is only within ourselves.  This is self-control and not control of others.  We are not telling anyone that we are surrendering. 

Our hands are not tied

As part of this surrender we are also doing something different.  We just cannot go on rehearsing for something that will either not happen or will not work.  We are making this holiday season a miserable time.  What can we do?  

It is about thinking different thoughts and beliefs, and maybe open ourselves up to a different philosophy.  There is little space and time to give solutions, but here are my "affirmations" that I call therapist tested and approved. I like thinking these and memorizing these . . .

1. ) I trust my brain to come up with answers when the time comes.

2. ) I will take my time in giving answers.

3. ) What do I really have to prove to these people?

4. ) I really do not have to prove anything to these people.

5. ) I have the right not to defend myself.

6. ) Nothing is perfect.

Here is how a person can put this together . . .

I believe that you and I can think of responses when the time comes.  The family gathering is not a show that is going to be on live TV and is not a TV show.  If you are reading this, I hold that your brain works just fine and you can use it to figure out an answer at that time.

If you are challenged, you can take your time and give an answer if you choose to.  Many people feel pressured that they must blurt out an answer.  I recommend that you take control when you take your time to answer.  Maybe you and I have to take 10-15 seconds to answer, but that is perfectly okay.

Furthermore, we are not in competition with these abusive family members.  When we get in competition, we get in a tug of war where there is perceived need to win.  If we don't grab the rope, they will fall on their back-sides and look all the more silly.

Many people may demand an answer about something that you and I am not obligated to answer.  If we slow down, we can determine whether or not we really owe them an answer?  I fully believe that if one of these abusive relatives gets in our face and says:

Tell me.  Why did you do that?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

We can tell them, "I do not feel like I owe you an answer.  Especially if you ask like that."

Lastly, the family holiday is not going to be perfect.  No matter what happens, it is not going to be perfect.  Perfectionism is a pretty stressful place to be because you are never happy with it if you even find it.  Your family holiday and my family holiday is not going to be perfect.  If there is more good than bad to it, then we will be okay.

How you do it is up to you. 

I have hopefully given you some concrete ways of reducing how much you are torturing yourself trying to come up with the perfect come-backs, retorts, or answers when those particular nosy and abusive relatives make comments that are antagonizing, insulting or hurtful.  They are still going to be that way regardless of how you are.    

So, consider stop rehearsing your come-backs.  You will feel less stressed.

Surviving the Anger at Christmas and the Holidays

There is a lot of talk about reflection at Christmas, but I think that in reality, the brain is likely making room for thinking about unfinished business, and that likely means thinking about hurts and anger of the past year and of your life as far back as you are caring to remember. 

The busyness of the season is winding down prior to the actual holiday in four days.  Most of the parties are over.   School is generally out.  People are winding down from the holiday celebrations and settling in for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  The majority of people pretty much know what is going to be happening for Christmas by now.   There may be some scurrying around stores after work to look for gifts and preparing for travel, but otherwise, there is time and place for thinking.

As I discussed yesterday, many of us have been victims.  We have been hurt when we were vulnerable by insensitive and abusive people.  Bosses and supervisors and companies have overplayed the “take it for the team” mentality now and after two years when they are getting bonuses and employees got a chintzy cost of living raise but had the price of benefits increased—it ain’t flying.    The result is our feelings of  anger and guardedness.

Many of us have had our disappointments. Things that we were expecting to have happened during 2011 did not happen.   Of course, the economy has continued to be terrible and jobs have been slow to become available.    We were expecting better and we are frustrated, which is a form of anger.

Some of us continue to have the ongoing saga of anger towards the insensitive and uncaring family members who seem to be self-absorbed, elusive and patronizing.   We spend a few hours with them and then we remember why we do not see them very often—they are total jerks.  They make condescending comments and they act like they are perfect.

The anger can come on quickly like a flood as we are thinking about a number of issues we are angry about.  Before you know it, we are feeling our adrenalin, we are tense and we are more than ready to swear and kick something. 

The problem with anger in this case—no easy solution

As mentioned elsewhere in earlier posts, anger is a powerful emotion that is supposed to help us defend ourselves.  It gives us an adrenalin rush to get up and move quickly to defend ourselves. 

However, for the average adult, there are no easy solutions to the problems with work and family and our other disappointments.  With the anger response in these cases, we also tend to feel hopelessness because we cannot easily think of any black and white solutions to address the situations.  If we dwell on it for several minutes we make mountains from molehills and we lose perspective on what the reality really is. 

Because it is so easy, anger almost becomes like an addiction as someone’s life can become unmanageable.  I think that with the free time a lot of people are going to have over the next few days at least in the United States and Canada, it can become a consuming chemical fire that flashes and burns bright and hot with toxic smoke that chases away others. I think that this is where many with borderline personality have thought and do think about suicide or self-harm because they must have a solution—and one is not going to be found.

Combine that with the holiday themes of peace, good will towards others and joy, and you have a true hot mess on your hands.  You are supposed to be joyful, happy, and at peace.   Why not be alone because no one wants to be with you?

A not-so holiday anger management metaphor: Reeling yourself in

For many of us with anger issues, I have to admit that we will all get carried away with thoughts of anger.  It is what humans do. 

It is a learned skill to be reeling yourself back in.  We chase those imaginary fish that represent all of the evil and abusive people we have been victimized by.  We get snagged on the bottom of memories past when there was a conflict where we may have had some fault in the matter too.  We may feel a bite only to reel the line in to find that the memory of the bait we put out got taken by that slick shyster and we felt taken again all over again.

Dwelling on anger almost seems like a natural impulse for people.  It just seems to come too naturally for people.  It is just too easy and we can get lost in it like a daydream and we chase another fish.  

It is a choice as to what we are going to do in the privacy of our own thoughts. I cannot minimize any person’s past pain from the past.  It is real for me, and it is real for you—we are all likely going to dwell on painful memories and chase another fish through the lakes, ponds and streams of our memories and current situations. 

Most of us either need a confrontation or revelation that while dwelling on the anger of the past recurs more than we would like to admit, it has little practical use to anyone.  It does not make us a better person or a happy person.

How do we reel ourselves in?  It is a commitment to several different strategies. 

• It is a conversation with have with ourselves on a regular basis.
• We remind ourselves that it is not doing us any good to keep thinking about the pain of the past.
• We distract ourselves with other activities and thoughts.
• We watch a show on TV or get on the Internet and play a Facebook game, or put a movie in the DVD. 
• We get outside—weather permitting and go for a walk--maybe down to the open convenience store for one of those fake cappucinos.
• We talk to someone we get along with now.

I have to say that there is no one perfect and 100-percent effective strategy.  If you are dealing with a whole lot of anger, then I would recommend a number of little strategies.  When the thoughts of anger comeback, you will then move to the next little strategy with the understanding more than one strategy will be required during the days off at Christmas.

Victim of yourself

In a countdown sense, Christmas is in five days and Hanukkah starts tomorrow.   In my blog so far I have talked about grief and loss and surviving toxic families. However, I have also talked about personal responsibility, which I come back to tonight.

If it appears that you are merely going to survive a lonely Christmas or  Hanukkah, do you have a plan?   If you are seeing that you are not going to have anywhere to go and you will be alone, then I have to note that the victim role gets old and loses traction after a short period of time.

While I know that many people are lonely and that more people have less money due to the economy, I know that there are options.  There is something that we can do for 24-72 hours to occupy our time and get past the holiday. However, many people will stay in the victim role and be miserable.

The Victim Role

The victim role is a role where the person is attacked or hurt or is manipulated.  The victim role is a valid role as we will all be victims of something in this life.  Everyone will play the fool.  Everyone will get taken advantage of when you get into some (but not all) situations where you are vulnerable.

However, people hopefully learn from the victim role.  In fact, we are inherently expected to learn from the times we have been victims.  Being victimized again and again shows that someone is missing something.

I have had many patients and clients love to play the chronic victim.  I have heard people go on and on as to how they got screwed over and how others just take advantage of them. I have heard a number of people state that they feel that they must be the victim because they had to take care of the loved one or friend. After a while, I got the idea that this "victim" was just making poor choices over and over again--they had power as to whether they were going to continue to be a victim.

The rewards of victim hood. 

I have seen over the years that many people love to play the victim because they get something out of it. They get sympathy and they in turn are able to manipulate others to get something else.  The victim role can also be played as a control position, especially in family and office drama situations.

Self-righteous anger also is a product of victimhood.  Many victims get some kind of feeling of power and a strange sense of superiority that they are better than the perpetrator.  Self-righteousness may buy you some attention from caretakers.

Victimhood has diminishing returns

In my experience, victimhood only gets you so much in the way of reward and begins to have diminishing returns.  Victimhood is often an existential matter--you may be feel you are victimized and the alleged perpetrator may feel they did nothing wrong, nor may they be aware that you felt wronged.  I have had people 'confront' me with some of the most stupid and crazy things they claimed I had done--but I was pretty sure I did nothing wrong.

However, victimhood is like eating the saccharin-based sweetener in the pink packets in many restaurants. The power comes with a price of feeling miserable and having a terrible taste in your mouth.

Personally, I have felt like the victim of other employers, professionals and shady administrators, roommates, and other peers who did not feel that that did anything wrong, but who told me that I needed to be welcomed to the real world.  Some of them seemed to be acting in their own self-righteous distortion.  There have been some strange dramas, but over time I figured that I had to move on in one way or another because I just couldn't waste my energy.

When it comes to Christmas, I hold that continuing to play the victim especially at Christmas is not going to make your Christmas any better--only more miserable.  Yes, maybe some of your family could apologize, make amends, do more, or could have invited you to come, but  I think that dwelling on being the victim is not using your energy to make Christmas a pleasant experience.  You will become a victim of yourself.

Can you get out of the victim mode? 

Some people have learned to play the victim too well.  They know how to play the victim. They have begun to think in terms of being the victim in many aspects of their lives. They go into situations automatically assuming the poor helpless, victim role.  They have become good scouts of situations where they can play the victim, but those situations dwindle over time and they become recluses because they have worn out their welcome.

If you are going to be alone and Christmas is going to be substandard or poor, you have choices. You can think like a victim or think about how you can spend it well.  Maybe you can find some last minute gathering, or get some people together.  Maybe you can get a book from the library, or maybe you can create some personal projects for Christmas.

There are no easy answers and there are no freebies.  It is up to each of us as to how we will make the best of the holidays. Dwelling on thoughts of victimhood is not going to make any of us warm.  What is your plan?

Numbness and Shock at Christmas--when loss happens.

Tonight I got paged at a neighborhood association meeting by my wife.  She rarely has paged me at these things.  I called immediately not truly thinking about what it could be about?

She lost the diamond out of her engagement ring. My first response was that I could buy her another diamond.  She said that she knew but that it very much bothered her because it was a precious item. She had been looking and she had made a Facebook post about it.

I left my meeting after enough of the business had been accomplished. I went home and started to help look for the diamond.  I looked with the flashlight at anything that even gleamed in the beam of the light.

For nearly 18 and a half years, the diamond had stayed in its mount, as I looked at the ring when I noticed one of the claws of the setting had been stretched or snagged indicating that it lost its hold on the diamond. Eighteen years later, in a shock, the diamond was probably gone.

I had some hope.  Maybe it was still in the house. Maybe it on the floor of one of the places my wife went to today on perhaps one of her holiday errands.

Even though it had been more than 18 years I remembered the details as I was looking in the matted down carpet . . . I had bought the diamond at a pawn shop.  The feelings were beginning to come with the memories.

I was fighting the survivor behaviors and had told my mother to shut up five months earlier when she kept trying to voice warnings about being careful about dating the woman I was about to ask to be my wife.   Couldn't mom just shut up and say, "whatever you decide I will support."  No--mom's anxiety just wouldn't let her. My survivor behaviors were walls that I had began to beat down about two years earlier when I asked myself what was really going to matter in my life?

It was a 0.42 carat or half carat.  I was nervous as I looked for the diamond.  I was going against all the survivor messages still going on in my brain.  I was a graduate student about to make an extravagant expenditure.  I had looked at jewelry stores that had a similar diamond for a lot more. 

They told me the price--it was a lot of money but a lot less.  I practically said that I would take the diamond in an impulsive manner.  I remembered in my numbness at the time the pawn broker telling me the name and address of a good jeweler who would mount it in a new setting for a good price.   Those were some days of fear and those were days of courage.

After looking for the better part of an hour, I had to stop.  I looked everywhere possible in my not-so-large house.

The Loss that lead to grief.

I would say existentially that I am feeling numb right now.  Even though I am a mental health professional, the real me is feeling numb.  My wife and I have had a loss.  It is not as significant as the other losses that we have experienced such as the miscarriage of two little boys, it is still a loss. 

We did not expect this loss.  In fact, we assumed that the diamond was going to stay mounted in its setting for life.  A valuable symbol was gone.

We all tend to live with the assumption that life is going to continue to go on and on.  While it sounds foolish, it is actually more wise living under this assumption because we just cannot let our imaginations take our energy that we need for living.  If we do not assume that life is going to go on as normal, we would likely be unable to focus on getting things done and worry about everything and anything and all get anxiety-related physical illnesses.

The effect of loss on a person varies according to the significance of the loss.  If a person loses a pen or pencil, it is usually a cheap item that has little to no value and the person is unaffected.  If a person loses a close and cherished loved one suddenly to death, the shock is paralyzing and the person will stop everything. 

Right now, the diamond is somewhere in the middle.  It is more valuable than a stick ball point pen, but far less important than a family member dying.  Our lives will not end.  We will likely feel a little better tomorrow.

Some people are going through shock and denial right now. 

I cannot begin to imagine what kind of numbness and shock people are going through right now.  Love ones are killed in car accidents.  Loved ones are killed in senseless violent crimes.  Some loved ones might have been killed in war.  Some loved ones died suddenly of natural causes such as a heart attack or aneurysm. 

Sudden loss is the game changer in life.  Everything gets put on hold.  Everything changes.  

The world of the person in shock is surreal.  Christmas music and celebrations do not matter.  Food does not taste good.  Forget about decking the halls and hanging out the holly.  

Thinking is Difficult When You are in Shock.

A person in shock feels tense.  A person in shock is preoccupied and yet at the same time cannot keep thoughts straight.   They may factually know that the loss has happened, but they just cannot believe it at the same time--that is why the first stage of grief is called denial.

A person in shock is likely capable of thinking simple things and not about big decisions.  A person in shock is likely to barely be praying--although many people can because they have practiced prayer.  Overall, it is usually enough that they are moving their feet and taking care of the basics in life. 

Don't give advice when someone is in shock--it is the wrong time.

Too many caretaker types stick their royal feet in their mouths in giving advice. 

Yeah--you are just trying to be helpful . . . but

trying too much to help is actually going to be antagonizing and counter-productive.  
Helping someone in shock requires patience on your part.

Is your attempt to help about meeting their need . . . or is it about your trying to settle your own anxiety?   Too much bad advice has come across as criticism because people just had to open their mouths and say something.

You are better off to check on the person who in shock after a big loss and ask them what they need. Maybe they can tell you and maybe they cannot.

If the person in shock cannot tell you what they need.  You can always come back later and ask again.  You can offer something that you can deliver on, and maybe they will take you up on it.  Just don't offer what you cannot deliver. 

Closing comments

The truth is that loss knows no holiday.  While the holidays are to have peace, joy and good will among people loss can and does happen.   The shock that comes with sudden loss takes away the ability to feel the warmth of the holidays (if it existed to begin with).   Loss is something that we usually do survive regardless of when it comes.  

The Fourth Sunday of Advent: Where is the feeling of the Love?

Today is the fourth Sunday in Advent where the Love Candle of the Advent Wreath is lit.  Of course in the context of the church, it is about the Love of God to give his only son for salvation for those who believe.  The sermon/homily and liturgy is usually about love. The problem is that people just do not feel love

This blog post will reflect on the concept of love and its lack in the life of the survivor.  It is not necessarily about romance and finding that special someone, although it has some implications for romance.

Love is an existential matter

For the purposes of this post is both a bizarre and complicated “thing.”  It is an emotion and it is an action.  What you intend as love is not always recognized and received in love.  Whether it is agape, brotherly love or romantic love, it should be an exchange and a bonding force in our relationship and a feeling of fulfillment. 

What makes Christmas tough when it comes to love is that we do not get the kind of love from our families that

• we may want
• believe we need or
• we believe we deserve.

Maybe expect love to be in the form of presents.  Maybe we expect love in the form of thoughtfulness, phone calls and cards.   Many of us crave love from our parents and other family members.

Just say it!!!!!

For many people, it will suffice for others to say “I love you.”  That is one of the toughest phrases to say.  You are taking a risk to say it to someone.   That means you are admitting you have some kind of good or positive feeling or affection for someone.  To say "I love you" and get rejected is very humiliating. 

I have had many patients who have stated that their father or mother never said “I love you” to them.   These people either lamented that mom or dad never said the phrase, or they resented mom and dad for never saying it.

Why can't they say, “I love you?”

The opinion varies as to why mom and dad cannot/could not say “I love you.”  Mom and Dad may have a number of problems.   Maybe he or she is abusive.  Maybe they have an addiction and are emotionally dead.  

Sometimes mom or dad have a psychiatric disorder.  Maybe it was a personality disorder or Schizophrenia.  Sometimes I think that mom and dads have autistic disorders.  With these disorders, the parents are somewhat rendered clueless as to what children need.

In fairness to the reader, if you are a survivor, it is a fair bet that dad are one too.   I think that it is because survivor behavior runs in families. Instead parents who are survivors are usually critical.  They never can admit that they are wrong.  They rarely tell you that you did a good job.  Instead they only tell you what you did wrong.  Moms and dads who are guarded and who live behind an emotional wall cannot even tell their kids that they love their kids.

If you cannot tell others that you love them take an inventory as to why you cannot.  You will likely identify the same reasons your parents cannot either.

The Quandary

Again, going on what is a fair bet, if you and your family have difficulty saying “I love you.”  As an adult you own some of the problem. You are one of the family who is not saying “I love you.” 

However, if you started staying I love you to your family members, you will probably get an embarrassed look as if you or they expelled some flatulence.   They could look like a deer in the headlights and run away.  Being told “I love you” is scary and intimate and it tends to make survivors run all the more back behind their walls.

A grief and loss situation

This is often a time of grief and loss that your parents or family cannot say “I love you” to each other and is not capable to meet the ideal of being a loving family.  Part of the growth is realizing that your parents are human and have their personal weaknesses. 

Realizing that your family is not going to meet your emotional needs is often a time for crying.  So many would love tenderness from mom and dad. 

Acceptance and moving on

Reaching acceptance does not necessarily make things better for a person, but maybe less worse.  Your parents and family will still be the same.  Your energy will hopefully be freed up from focusing on “why not” and focusing on meeting your need for affection and love. 

I do believe that we have the responsibility as adults to take charge of meeting our needs.  If you are one who is waiting on your family to meet your need of love, you will likely continue to be miserable and disappointed.  

This is not an easy conclusion, but you and I are responsible to giving our lives direction and meaning, and that includes finding people with whom we can love and in turn accept love. . 

What even makes this more complicated is that if you are a survivor who has trouble accepting the love of people without suspicion that people want something.  The reality is that much of the time love is just love at face value.  

There are many people who want nothing more than a relationship.  They do not care if you are rich or poor.  They do not care if you are anonymous or famous. 

If you are survivor you will likely need to take the risk or gamble and let people into your life.  The good news is that we do not do it all at once. 

 Here is how you do it--you go slow.  You start talking about yourself.  You start talking about your feelings.  You let other people choose the activities that you do together.  While this can be scary, it is not like it is a roller coaster ride, but a walk up and down low hills. 

The Self-Help Therapy Lesson of Ebenezer Scrooge

Tonight I watched A Christmas Carol for the second time this holiday season. I saw the 1951 version in black and white a few weeks back and tonight I saw the 1984 versus in color with George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge.

Charles Dickens created in a short time a word for the English language to describe someone who is negative and bitter. Pretty much everyone knows what it means when we call some one a Scrooge, and as far as I know, it may become an international word like Schizophrenia.

Watching the movie and listening to a radio version on Christmas Eve are now yearly events for me. They are perspective-correcting experiences.

In the curse that I call my professional mindset, I see the character of Ebenezer Scrooge as a typical survivor and a workaholic. Apparently, Charles Dickens knew a number of people like Scrooge in the mid-19^th century that helped him create a timeless masterpiece.

This character has a history that many might relate to—including a number of people I know who have become professional psychotherapists and psychiatrists. Sarcasm aside, many of us relate to Scrooge by our own pain or in dealing with those other Scrooges in our life.

Analyzing Scrooge--Many of us can relate

Ebenezer Scrooge had a hard childhood and youth. His mother apparently died giving him birth. He had a father who apparently was angry that Ebenezer's mother died in childbirth and apparently did not give Ebenezer any warmth or tenderness and apparently held a grudge against him.

Ebenezer was sent to a boarding school and then sent to apprentice in a counting/trading house. In his being driven for wealth Ebenezer put work above everything and Belle the one girl who had interest in him broke up with him on a Christmas Eve because of his choosing work over her.

Ebenezer became a bitter person who was abusive to those around him. He had a closed heart and no sympathy for the suffering of others. He thought generosity was a waste of money, and berated his nephew Fred for hosting a dinner. He was quick to be angry. He was self-absorbed in his negativity and selfishness.

The side note of Tiny Tim.

The opposite of Scrooge in this story is Tim Cratchit, who was called Tiny Tim. Tim was the son of Bob Cratchit, Scrooge's only employee. Tim had some kind of physical disability that he required a crutch to get around. Tim had this very noble and gentle spirit about him as related in a conversation between Bob and his wife in “Stave 3” of the story:

He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk, and blind men see.'   (http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Charles_Dickens/A_Christmas_Carol/index.html)

Tim had more than Scrooge to complain about if Tim were to complain. However, Tim did not complain. Tim was kind of taking the Bible passage, Philippians 4:8 to heart:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (NIV)

The Lesson of Scrooge

While many can take whatever message they wish from the story . . . the story of Scrooge is an opportunity to look at yourself and to reflect on what matters to you. Scrooge illustrates that being a survivor is miserable, and survivors can develop nasty reputations and victimhood in earlier life stops being a valid excuse.

Charles Dickens seems to encourage the reader to thrive and make Christmas meaningful. Not everyone is going to be able to be as generous as Scrooge was on the Christmas day after the visit from the three spirits, but definitely people can begin to open their heart to others.

Thriving and Living with an Open Heart

After the visit from the three spirits Scrooge became humble and real and seemed to open his heart to others. He started sincerely caring about others. While it is not in the actual story ( http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Charles_Dickens/A_Christmas_Carol/index.html) , the different movies have Scrooge apologizing to his nephew for being such a jerk.

Tiny Tim Crachit indeed does live with an open heart. Okay, the character is a crippled child living in a lower-class situation, but he is not about what is bad. He is generous in the way he shares his spirit and hope.

I honestly have to say that living with an open heart like Tiny Tim is going to be difficult for people who are survivors. Survivors have closed their hearts and lives for some good reasons—the trauma and emotional abuse that they have suffered as children. Closing your heart and emotions to others serves a purpose to protect yourself from harm—especially if your family is still a bunch of toxic and abusive people.   Survivors become so invested in surviving that learning to thrive is like trying to learn a new language that has a different sentence structure and alphabet--it almost requires a new way of thinking and it becomes hard work.

However, a reasonable question is: do the reasons for keeping your heart closed still exist? Of course you can rationalize keeping your heart closed for many reasons, but it has diminishing returns over the years, and you can wind up as a bitter old recluse like Ebenezer Scrooge (with or without the money).

Maybe you can find some ways to be like Tiny Tim?  God bless Us, Every One!

Take a Break from Holiday Worrying by Being in the Present

As I have written in one of my first blog postings, Christmas is like a hurricane where people are dreading the storm that is to come December 25.  This hurricane effect includes

• some people are dreading the future
• grieving that the holidays are not going to will be the same
• some people are lamenting that their families are so toxic and dysfunctional that they just cannot get along. 

All of these mental actions are future oriented.   These are negative thoughts and they produce negative emotions and physical stress.

If someone is isolating and staying home and doing nothing at the holidays, they are running the risk of  letting their imagination run wild and creating mountains out of mole hills about various fears or griefs they have about the holidays.  The longer someone dwells on these negative thoughts, the bigger the mountains they create from the mole hills.

Living in the Present


Living in the present has been a oft-made recommendation by therapists and self-help authors.  What it can mean may take a whole book to elaborate.  I won't do that, but I think I can give you a brief idea of what you can start to do.  If you want to read more about living in the present--you can easily Google it and get all kinds of thoughts.

In a nutshell, I think that living in the present is focusing on the present moment and place.  You are working to not dwell on days and weeks and years ahead.  You are stopping yourself from thinking about all of the potential disasters that could happen.   You are also putting the past on a shelf in the back of your mind and not focusing on it either.  Neither the past or the future are things you can do about, so we concentrate on the present.

Focusing on the present does not necessarily mean that it is going to be easy.  The present may be tough if you are in the middle of a crisis.  The present may also be tough if you are suffering.  However, options and solutions are only going be had in the present; you and I are not going to fix a past problem, and we do not know what the future holds until we get there.   I may be suffering now, but I can perhaps choose now to lessen my suffering or take comfort in something now to ease my pain.

A Historical and Spiritual Recommendation

Living in the present actually has been a recommendation of most religions.  Hinduism and Buddhism recommend doing meditation, focusing on medication, and being in touch with the now.   The Bible also recommends living in the present:

Jesus himself said in the "Sermon on the Mount" (Matthew 6:25-34)

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? 28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(NIV)

The point is that for thousands of years there has been the recommendation to focus on the present.  People have had problems worrying about what bad things could happen in the future.

 Methods of Living in the Present

While this may sound condescending, I think that many people need to do more than just sitting at home reading blog posts and trying to change what you think so as to stay in the present.   If your emotional pain is intense, thinking positive thoughts about the present are not likely going to be enough.    Many need to get up and change their scenery and get active.

If you have been isolating because you have avoided friends and family it may be that you need to go out and be around people.  Getting into a different mindset often means changing your surroundings where different sounds and senses can be experienced.  

Being in the present also means doing something different but healthy.  Trying something different like listening to a different type of radio station or going to a concert that you would not normally go to can also get you in a different frame of mind.  Going and trying a different cuisine or type of food can broaden your horizons.  A possibly easy option is going out to the mall and people watch--look at people's faces and compare and contrast their facial expressions (some ethnographers get research grants to do this). The sky really is the limit when working to stay in the present.

Concluding thoughts

We as humans need a break from worrying and holiday stress.  Focusing on the present is a useful and simple strategy.  While it has its limits, focusing on the present does provide some relief.  Life can be simpler and less stressful in the present when we are spending our energy imagining that bad things are going to happen.