Too Busy for Hope at the Holidays?

I debated whether or not I was going to write this blog again this holiday season.  I had a due date of December 1 to get my manuscript into my publisher. I had just finished my turning in my manuscript to my publisher on November 28 and I have been feeling brain dead and burned out.   Having a book contract with a reputable publisher is amazing, but it monopolized my life.

Then wham . . . it was the first Sunday of Advent again on November 30 where the hope candle of the Advent wreath was lit at church. The sermon was about hope.  It was about the hope of the world to be found in Jesus Christ . . . at least that was what I came away with when I left the sanctuary.

I came to realize, my mind was just too busy.  My mind was just too focused on problems and things to do.  Since July 1 when I had signed the contract I was busy with work and writing.  I had been a driven individual.  I was just too busy to think about hope.

I think I have been a driven individual most of my life.  Either I have the compulsive trait inherited from my mother or I have been out to prove myself.   

Many of us who live in the average metropolitan area likely have some pressure to be driven.  We commute to work either on crowded ring road highways or we cram ourselves into mass transit vehicles.  We go to work pushing ourselves to keep up a fast pace to be productive.   Many of us live paycheck to paycheck seeking to maximize what we can do with the money.   

For those of us who are already driven, the holiday season only seems to intensify the driven-ness.  There are events added to the schedule, there are extra food items to make and gifts to buy and the house has to be cleaned.   There is not much time and place for hope.

Well, for me there was a call for at least to take a breath and reflect.  With my social commentary, is Christmas about making sure everyone gets the perfect present or is it about celebrating faith?  Is Christmas about Santa Claus or is it reflecting on us as broken individuals needing the gift of God sacrificing his only son to save us from our sins?  Of course, if you do not identify with the Christian faith, the significance of Jesus Christ may be in question.

Well, with the need for a breath, I have thought not just twice but three times about writing the blog again this year.  However, 1976 page views tell me that the blog has been meaningful or encouraging to someone—maybe it has helped given some hope.

Feel free to review the other entries for subjects of interest to you.  Feel free to comment. I hope that you too can find hope. 

The Mayan Calendar and Considering the End

It has been a most interesting if not leery Christmas Season in the United States.  Before the Fiscal Cliff and the Sandy Hook School shooting, people had concern about the Mayan Calendar ending and have been interpreting it to mean that the world is going to end on December 21, 2012.

It just goes to show that humans are interested in spiritual matters.  Over the course of human history, when there is something that challenges one's existence, people will mull over the spiritual--especially when it has to do with the end. 

With specific concern over the Mayan "Long Count" Calendar cycle ending, officials in Argentina have cut off access to Uritorco Mountain through December 22 to prevent people from committing suicide because they would be interpreting the end of this cycle to be the "apocalypse." Uritorco Mountain was apparently a sacred spot for the indigenous (Mayan) people.  Although this will be dated quickly the following site was full of good information (http://www.news.com.au/features/mayan-apocalypse-2012/argentina-shuts-uritorco-mountain-for-fear-of-maya-linked-suicides/story-fngjq0bi-1226540067814)

I am sure that people all over the world are asking: What if they are right?   It is only human.  The good news is that I have not met anyone who is freaking out over this.

However, the end of the world is for the most part a spiritual matter.  It makes us ask significant questions about who we are in this world and what we believe.

Dancing with Hopelessness and Meaninglessness.

When people consider the end of the world, it can feel stressful.  Thoughts are not sterile--they bring feelings.   People can feel panicked or despaired.  The end means that what you have is gone.  The end means you and all you value are gone.  The ones you love are gone.  By about this time, someone will likely begin to dance with hopelessness and meaninglessness.

We go back to the power of thoughts.  They are merely our mind in action but they can motivate us to act in strong and maybe permanent ways.  Some people contemplate suicide as part of the hopelessness and meaningless when the mind goes there.

Hopefully we find ways not to dance in that spot for too long. Most of us seem are able to move our mind out of that zone.

Perspective: Not the First and Not the Last

However, we in western society (maybe more North American society) seem to visit this fairly often.  From time to time we learn about "doomsday cults" who get publicized either before or after they act. 

Some of us older people will remember the Jonestown mass suicide in 1978 where Jim Jones convinced over 900 of his followers who went down with him to his utopia in Guyana to commit suicide because of expected doom, and the term "drink the kool-aid" took on a new meaning.

More recently, the "Heaven's Gate" cult committed suicide together in 1997.  They were worried that the earth was going to be wiped clean and they apparently believed that they were going to be transferred to some extraterrestrial body.

Christianity has had its share of dwelling on the end. There are a number of "televangelists" on TV who spend all of their air time talking about the end.  The Left Behind series sold millions of books and spawned a number of movies.    Harold Camping, founder of Family Radio was the last major figure to make a public prediction when the rapture was supposed to come and the world was to end (and he was the brunt of jokes for it too).

There have been many making predictions and there will others making predictions as to the end. While I think Harold Camping made his erroneous predictions out of conviction, I think that some people saw an opportunity to sell some books.  There will some other milestone in the future that some will see an economic opportunity to make a buck.

Seeking Meaning and Peace

In a generic spiritual sense, we hopefully look at the end as a way of measuring what is meaningful to us.   Pondering the end of your life is a very good barometer of what you value and see as important in the here and now.

I have heard this over and over again, if you were going to die, I am inclined that you would not ask for someone to bring you your gold and valuables to take with you.  You instead would ask for your loved ones to come to see you.    Why not make plans to see the people you love at Christmas?

We feel peace when we do what matters to us.  We feel a sense of fulfillment when we are engaging in what we value and when we hold to our values.

If you are feeling anxiety about the Mayan Calendar, I cannot get you over the hump, but I would encourage you not to dwell on it.  My favorite Wayne Dyer quotation that comes to mind is:

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.  (Your Erroneous Zones)
Getting Biblical

If you will allow me to get Biblical here, as a Christian, I hold that it is fruitless to try and predict the end of the world or when Jesus Christ is coming back to earth.   Jesus told his disciples before his crucifixion that

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. (Mark 13:32) (NIV)

Jesus told his disciples to continue living godly lives in preparation.  What matters was how they  lived. 

We at Christmas are remembering how this Jesus came to earth as a Baby.  Sometimes we forget that the baby grew up and did incredible things for the world . . including us.

Concluding thoughts

Yeah, the Mayan calendar had me review what I believe about the end. 

Here is what I have concluded:  My life is in God's hands.  If God doesn't come back I expect to be alive and I expect to finally get to that Christmas shopping I have been putting off. I also figure that I will come up with something else to write each of the next three days.

I wish you peace and fulfillment in what matters to you now.

Where is Your Head?

Today was a very challenging day. It was hectic in terms of handling some personal matters and it was hectic at my job at a psychiatric hospital.   I also started thinking about finally getting out there and buying Christmas presents.   Going back to bed sounded like a good idea but I was almost to my work.  

Tonight we put up the Christmas tree. I was tired as I rooted around the attic in my garage looking for the plastic tubs.  I put up the crumpled, artificial Christmas tree and did my best to get the lights hooked up.  I found myself feeling apathy because I did not care to look in the tubs at the different ornaments we had.  I found myself saying : at least the kids were enjoying it. 

As I reflect tonight, I find myself doing a Zig Ziglar "check-up from the neck-up."  I have said to myself: "Where is your head."

As I have noted elsewhere the pace of life for the average person in the western hemisphere is intense and hectic.   It is especially so for those living in urban areas.  We spend a lot of time commuting in cramped subways, trains and buses or we are stuck in heavy traffic.  We are pressured to do more with less at our jobs.  We have information coming at us from all directions that requires our response.  We get worn out and burned out and many of us value the weekend to get caught up on our personal matters and business.  Our heads are often tired from all of the intensity.

Then let us top if off with all of the holiday events and expectations.  We have to spend money on gifts to show we care.  We have to go to Christmas events to be sociable.  Combine the additional holiday stuff with our usual intense life and we are overwhelmed and probably think that going back to bed sounds even more attractive.

Let us kick it up another notch.  What if you are not feeling particularly joyful and happy this Christmas due to grief or loss?  What if you are feeling the guilt because your money and credit is tight and you cannot buy the type of presents the way you want to?   Going back to bed sounds even more attractive but it is not exactly a healthy coping skill.

Silence

In light of that, one of my favorite coping skills or coping activities in this time of year is sitting in silence and doing nothing.  While it does not solve the problems, I have found that a time of silence and stillness can be soothing.  

The problem is that it requires you to actually sit and be still.  Sitting still can be a challenge because the intensity and anxiety makes our bodies produce adrenalin which juices or energizes us and we are restless and fidgety.  Furthermore, being silent can be scary because our minds are moving really fast and with rapid thoughts can come anxiety.  Silence is essentially a discipline that has to be practiced . . . and practiced . . . and practiced because you think it holds something for you.

Forgive me for sounding like the late Henri Nouwen, but when I sit silently, I take some control of the moment. Some level of calmness happens. I feel the tension in my back and arms that I had not been in touch with because of my busyness and preoccupation and I can do something about it. I can also think spiritual or mystical thoughts or pray a different kind of prayer. I can be in the moment. I can focus.

Being in Touch with Ourselves.

I think in the rush of the holiday, taking time to be silent and ask ourselves where our heads are can be of great benefit.   But it can also be a risk. The answers to the question are not always pleasant because we might think about the pain, the grief, the loss, the regrets, and the 'what could have been's."   But it takes risk to make gains.

Where is my head now?  Hopefully in a more peaceful place than it was earlier in the day.  

Pressing forward and putting the past behind us

The google stats function does not exactly tell me how many repeat visitors following me, but I am rehashing the subject of dealing with the past since we are dealing with a point in time where we look back and we look ahead and try to balance the two.  Forgive me if this repeats too much since I have talked about regrets and past trauma, but since this is now the new year weekend I had a new thought.

We all have a history and we often find ourselves facing with it as it sometimes keeps us from moving forward.  We can feel paralyzed by the past whether it is the critical comments of parents and other influential people or our own mistakes.   On the other hand, some people have had so much success that they do not feel that they can keep it up.   The product is a lack of confidence that keeps us from moving forward and feeling fulfilled and satisfied for what we are doing.

Legitimate life long consequences.

There are some situations where there will be life-long consequences.  There will be some scars on reputations and bodies due to poor judgment and bad decisions and otherwise bad circumstances. 

These scars may legitimately prevent some opportunities from happening such as getting certain jobs due to a felony.  Felonies may also keep individuals from getting admitted to schools and getting professional licensure in multiple professions.

Some relationships get changed forever through divorce and extra-marital affairs.  Some people lose statuses as trustees and deacons in churches.  Ministers who studied extra to follow the call of God get fired and have to leave the ministry due to divorce and extra-marital affairs.  I have met one minister who was genuinely repentant and one who rationalized his behavior by calling the church's values "archaic."   Nevertheless, infidelity and divorce do often shake and shatter worlds.

In these cases a person faces new limits and boundaries that cut off desired opportunities.  The limits and boundaries are both an emotional and physical stress that make people want to hide.  From what I can tell, people have grief and loss processes that they must go through to put the past behind and look for ways to move on.

Emotional blocks

Some of the trauma we have experience by abusive parents and abusive bosses may put a block on our beliefs about what we can do and not do.   Many adults still hold onto childhood beliefs without questioning their validity.

One powerful block on confidence is being a victim of a violent crime that include robbery and rape.  Trauma from violence has this way of shaking previously confident adults.   Yes, a once-confident adult is reduced to a person cowering in fear and paranoia over whether it is going to happen again.


Thinking about what could have been can be a dead end

Some people have done some really bad things and they will likely think about what they did every day, but the world keeps turning. While I do not have precise answers, there can be opportunity in the future.  The question is whether or now you will let yourself look in that direction. 

I have seen that the act of comparing what could have been with what is has been a common human activity.  I think that we all do it.  Doing it for a long time takes energy away from moving ahead.  

Along these lines, guessing what your high school and college classmates might be thinking and doing, and comparing their success with yours can also be a waste.  Unless you are actually stuck around a bunch of them and they are talkative sorts, then it is legitimate.  However the majority of people from our past have moved on and are living their own lives--it is highly unlikely they are dwelling on your faults.

Often we paralyze ourselves when we put ourselves in competition with others. The ridiculous part is that we work up a big, imaginary picture in our heads of what they are doing versus that we will never verify and can never, ever know.

The world moves on. People forget what happened and are busy with their own business and worries.  However, we make ourselves feel as if our problems are the leading story on the national network news every night and that everyone is glued to the screen sitting on edge to hear every detail.  

Get up again

When we fall, it is a matter of getting up again.  Some people will be able to get up and run.  However, I think most people when they get up again, they take one slow, step at a time.  Going slower is more more normal. 

Getting up to pursue opportunity may be first a matter of convincing yourself that it is what you are going to do.  Then you may have to slowly knock on doors to determine what your reality is.

We cannot get up the same way to the same opportunities--it just does not happen.  However, I think that the future, including the new year offers that can be positive, fulfilling and rewarding.  It just depends on whether we are looking for them or staring backwards and failing to see what is coming.

Resolutions: The self-torture prior to New Years Day.

I usually hear something every year about resolutions.  With the turn of the new year, we want to do that we should have done.  Many want to stop cussing, drink less, be nicer or mainly lose weight.

Of course I think that I am a sucker for resolutions.  I make my few--usually about weight loss.

Nearly everyone who makes them is unable to keep them for longer than a few days.  However, it never fails to amaze me that that the different weight loss products take a center spot in stores about now.  I figure that many people will buy one box or one cannister and it will sit partially empty for the rest of the year.

I think that most resolutions fail because they are vague, general goals.  They are also generally drastic in nature versus achievable.  To get skinny is a lot harder than to lose 20 pounds.

I think that many people stress over the large or radical goals that they want to achieve; they are being too idealistic.  They push themselves and immediately start dreading the possible misery that the changes will encounter. They cannot keep it up and soon feel depressed that they failed. 

Sustainability

It is my opinon that for us to make changes that mean something, we have to be able to sustain them--that is be able to keep them going.   We should have expectations that are realistic . . . in other words they are lower and go slower or take longer.  The lower our expectations and the slower we are able to go, the more sustainable the goal or resolution is.

I think that it is harder to go slower on many resolutions because of what I call the microwave oven effect.  We can do a lot of other things faster in this world that include rapid heating of food in a microwave and send information on the internet.  However, there are many other goals and tasks that are going to take time regardless of how fast we can get other things done.

Frustration Tolerance

When we ponder that achievements like weight loss are going to take time, we get frustrated.  People who cannot work through the feeling of frustration either do not start or do not finish the race.  A scholar and professional named Marsha Lenihan noted that many need to develop the coping skills to handle and tolerate the feeling of frusration. Being able to feel the frusration is half the battle.


Concluding thoughts

Well, if you are pondering a resolution for the new year and feeling scared or dread, consider slowing down.  It is your life and unless you get into an office weight-loss contest life is otherwise not a race.  You and I live life at the pace we essentially choose. When you and I feel like we have to compete with others in achieving resolutions, we torture ourselves even more.  It does not have to be that way.

And so it was Christmas . . . and what had you done? Does it matter now?

December 26 has came and is almost gone.  It is now a symbol that the great capitalist economic engine moves on after exploiting a holy day with its after-Christmas sales.

The Christmas music has stopped playing in retail stores, and the all-Christmas-music all-the-time format has given way to the regular Gen-X or light-rock rotations.  I was almost embarrassed today when my kids were pressing practically all the Christmas music digital samples on a compact disc display in the Christmas section today of a store.  I was sick of Christmas music, and I imagine others are too (although they will still be playing Christmas music at the "Feast of the Epiphany" mass).  

The different discount retailers I had visited have slashed prices on the now passe' Christmas items--and most of the Christmas items are gone.  They have started to put out New Years party items and over-the-counter diet pills and diet shake powders.  I figure tomorrow they will start putting out Valentine items, and before you know it there will be Easter items.  

There is the reality that no matter how you feel the world moves on. Yesterday may have been meaningful, empty, lonely, sad, tumulteous, enraging, or just plain dismal for you, but the media, economy, and the world are moving on.   Some of us may still be licking our wounds, but the world is calling us to move on with it regardless of our pain or nostalgia.

What keeps us in the past?

We usually stay in the past when there is anger.  We continue to dwell on the pain and abuse suffered at the hands of others.   When we dwell on the anger, we usually are simultaneously angry at ourselves because we could have and should have done something to defend ourselves or defeat the scumbucket abuser.  In this case to move out of the past there is the need to forgive ourselves and forgive the offender in order to stop wasting energy on the past.

Some do continue to be nostalgic and dwell on how the past was better than the present.  Given the current recession and high unemployment rate, this is not unreasonable.   The author of Ecclesiastes noted thousands of years ago that people were doing this then too:

Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”
For it is not wise to ask such questions. (Ecclesiastes 7:10) (NIV)

I think that we all get nostalgic at times when times are tough--it reminds us that things have been good for us and not all bad, but too much of it also keeps people in the past. 

Nostalgia is an idealistic rememberance of the past that ignores that it had problems too.  For example, I remember my now-dying grandmother being nostalgic in 1983 how cheap college tuition was during the great depression years, but the reality was that no one had much money and so supply had to reach down to demand when it came to pricing.  Nostalgia also can spend way too much of our energy needed for today.

 Things matter only as much as we let them

Whether yesterday was great or terrible, it will matter today and tomorrow as much as we let it matter.  The amount of time we spend thinking about it and the intensity of emotion we allow show how much something or someone matters. 

If we have been nursing a grudge for years, we have been investing a lot in the pain.  Just beginning to forgive ourselves and our offenders is a grief process in itself.  We have been putting so much of our time and resources feeling angry and thinking about what was done to us and researching (versus fantastizing) alternative options for revenge.

There comes a point in time where the hurt and pain becomes irrelevant to our situation.  After so much passage of time the average person in our circles cannot relate to us when we talk about bitterness we have carried for so long.  They cannot even begin to relate to the embarrassments or incidents or issues of 1978 or 1987 or even 1997.   It goes back to things matter only as much as you let them matter today because they are only in your memory.

Well, I have to move on too.  I am thinking to the future, and my next posts will relate to the future. 

Surviving the Anger at Christmas and the Holidays

There is a lot of talk about reflection at Christmas, but I think that in reality, the brain is likely making room for thinking about unfinished business, and that likely means thinking about hurts and anger of the past year and of your life as far back as you are caring to remember. 

The busyness of the season is winding down prior to the actual holiday in four days.  Most of the parties are over.   School is generally out.  People are winding down from the holiday celebrations and settling in for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  The majority of people pretty much know what is going to be happening for Christmas by now.   There may be some scurrying around stores after work to look for gifts and preparing for travel, but otherwise, there is time and place for thinking.

As I discussed yesterday, many of us have been victims.  We have been hurt when we were vulnerable by insensitive and abusive people.  Bosses and supervisors and companies have overplayed the “take it for the team” mentality now and after two years when they are getting bonuses and employees got a chintzy cost of living raise but had the price of benefits increased—it ain’t flying.    The result is our feelings of  anger and guardedness.

Many of us have had our disappointments. Things that we were expecting to have happened during 2011 did not happen.   Of course, the economy has continued to be terrible and jobs have been slow to become available.    We were expecting better and we are frustrated, which is a form of anger.

Some of us continue to have the ongoing saga of anger towards the insensitive and uncaring family members who seem to be self-absorbed, elusive and patronizing.   We spend a few hours with them and then we remember why we do not see them very often—they are total jerks.  They make condescending comments and they act like they are perfect.

The anger can come on quickly like a flood as we are thinking about a number of issues we are angry about.  Before you know it, we are feeling our adrenalin, we are tense and we are more than ready to swear and kick something. 

The problem with anger in this case—no easy solution

As mentioned elsewhere in earlier posts, anger is a powerful emotion that is supposed to help us defend ourselves.  It gives us an adrenalin rush to get up and move quickly to defend ourselves. 

However, for the average adult, there are no easy solutions to the problems with work and family and our other disappointments.  With the anger response in these cases, we also tend to feel hopelessness because we cannot easily think of any black and white solutions to address the situations.  If we dwell on it for several minutes we make mountains from molehills and we lose perspective on what the reality really is. 

Because it is so easy, anger almost becomes like an addiction as someone’s life can become unmanageable.  I think that with the free time a lot of people are going to have over the next few days at least in the United States and Canada, it can become a consuming chemical fire that flashes and burns bright and hot with toxic smoke that chases away others. I think that this is where many with borderline personality have thought and do think about suicide or self-harm because they must have a solution—and one is not going to be found.

Combine that with the holiday themes of peace, good will towards others and joy, and you have a true hot mess on your hands.  You are supposed to be joyful, happy, and at peace.   Why not be alone because no one wants to be with you?

A not-so holiday anger management metaphor: Reeling yourself in

For many of us with anger issues, I have to admit that we will all get carried away with thoughts of anger.  It is what humans do. 

It is a learned skill to be reeling yourself back in.  We chase those imaginary fish that represent all of the evil and abusive people we have been victimized by.  We get snagged on the bottom of memories past when there was a conflict where we may have had some fault in the matter too.  We may feel a bite only to reel the line in to find that the memory of the bait we put out got taken by that slick shyster and we felt taken again all over again.

Dwelling on anger almost seems like a natural impulse for people.  It just seems to come too naturally for people.  It is just too easy and we can get lost in it like a daydream and we chase another fish.  

It is a choice as to what we are going to do in the privacy of our own thoughts. I cannot minimize any person’s past pain from the past.  It is real for me, and it is real for you—we are all likely going to dwell on painful memories and chase another fish through the lakes, ponds and streams of our memories and current situations. 

Most of us either need a confrontation or revelation that while dwelling on the anger of the past recurs more than we would like to admit, it has little practical use to anyone.  It does not make us a better person or a happy person.

How do we reel ourselves in?  It is a commitment to several different strategies. 

• It is a conversation with have with ourselves on a regular basis.
• We remind ourselves that it is not doing us any good to keep thinking about the pain of the past.
• We distract ourselves with other activities and thoughts.
• We watch a show on TV or get on the Internet and play a Facebook game, or put a movie in the DVD. 
• We get outside—weather permitting and go for a walk--maybe down to the open convenience store for one of those fake cappucinos.
• We talk to someone we get along with now.

I have to say that there is no one perfect and 100-percent effective strategy.  If you are dealing with a whole lot of anger, then I would recommend a number of little strategies.  When the thoughts of anger comeback, you will then move to the next little strategy with the understanding more than one strategy will be required during the days off at Christmas.

The Fourth Sunday of Advent: Where is the feeling of the Love?

Today is the fourth Sunday in Advent where the Love Candle of the Advent Wreath is lit.  Of course in the context of the church, it is about the Love of God to give his only son for salvation for those who believe.  The sermon/homily and liturgy is usually about love. The problem is that people just do not feel love

This blog post will reflect on the concept of love and its lack in the life of the survivor.  It is not necessarily about romance and finding that special someone, although it has some implications for romance.

Love is an existential matter

For the purposes of this post is both a bizarre and complicated “thing.”  It is an emotion and it is an action.  What you intend as love is not always recognized and received in love.  Whether it is agape, brotherly love or romantic love, it should be an exchange and a bonding force in our relationship and a feeling of fulfillment. 

What makes Christmas tough when it comes to love is that we do not get the kind of love from our families that

• we may want
• believe we need or
• we believe we deserve.

Maybe expect love to be in the form of presents.  Maybe we expect love in the form of thoughtfulness, phone calls and cards.   Many of us crave love from our parents and other family members.

Just say it!!!!!

For many people, it will suffice for others to say “I love you.”  That is one of the toughest phrases to say.  You are taking a risk to say it to someone.   That means you are admitting you have some kind of good or positive feeling or affection for someone.  To say "I love you" and get rejected is very humiliating. 

I have had many patients who have stated that their father or mother never said “I love you” to them.   These people either lamented that mom or dad never said the phrase, or they resented mom and dad for never saying it.

Why can't they say, “I love you?”

The opinion varies as to why mom and dad cannot/could not say “I love you.”  Mom and Dad may have a number of problems.   Maybe he or she is abusive.  Maybe they have an addiction and are emotionally dead.  

Sometimes mom or dad have a psychiatric disorder.  Maybe it was a personality disorder or Schizophrenia.  Sometimes I think that mom and dads have autistic disorders.  With these disorders, the parents are somewhat rendered clueless as to what children need.

In fairness to the reader, if you are a survivor, it is a fair bet that dad are one too.   I think that it is because survivor behavior runs in families. Instead parents who are survivors are usually critical.  They never can admit that they are wrong.  They rarely tell you that you did a good job.  Instead they only tell you what you did wrong.  Moms and dads who are guarded and who live behind an emotional wall cannot even tell their kids that they love their kids.

If you cannot tell others that you love them take an inventory as to why you cannot.  You will likely identify the same reasons your parents cannot either.

The Quandary

Again, going on what is a fair bet, if you and your family have difficulty saying “I love you.”  As an adult you own some of the problem. You are one of the family who is not saying “I love you.” 

However, if you started staying I love you to your family members, you will probably get an embarrassed look as if you or they expelled some flatulence.   They could look like a deer in the headlights and run away.  Being told “I love you” is scary and intimate and it tends to make survivors run all the more back behind their walls.

A grief and loss situation

This is often a time of grief and loss that your parents or family cannot say “I love you” to each other and is not capable to meet the ideal of being a loving family.  Part of the growth is realizing that your parents are human and have their personal weaknesses. 

Realizing that your family is not going to meet your emotional needs is often a time for crying.  So many would love tenderness from mom and dad. 

Acceptance and moving on

Reaching acceptance does not necessarily make things better for a person, but maybe less worse.  Your parents and family will still be the same.  Your energy will hopefully be freed up from focusing on “why not” and focusing on meeting your need for affection and love. 

I do believe that we have the responsibility as adults to take charge of meeting our needs.  If you are one who is waiting on your family to meet your need of love, you will likely continue to be miserable and disappointed.  

This is not an easy conclusion, but you and I are responsible to giving our lives direction and meaning, and that includes finding people with whom we can love and in turn accept love. . 

What even makes this more complicated is that if you are a survivor who has trouble accepting the love of people without suspicion that people want something.  The reality is that much of the time love is just love at face value.  

There are many people who want nothing more than a relationship.  They do not care if you are rich or poor.  They do not care if you are anonymous or famous. 

If you are survivor you will likely need to take the risk or gamble and let people into your life.  The good news is that we do not do it all at once. 

 Here is how you do it--you go slow.  You start talking about yourself.  You start talking about your feelings.  You let other people choose the activities that you do together.  While this can be scary, it is not like it is a roller coaster ride, but a walk up and down low hills. 

Walking on Eggshells: You do not have to do it

Part of the tension at the holidays is the walking on eggshells.   It is a miserable practice drains a person of energy and joy. Many people are emotional slaves in that feel that they must do it but would like to stop it.  If this fits you, I am going to discuss some ideas you can try.

I think that many people use the term, but do not know what it is.  Understanding it is part of defining the problem so you can begin to solve it.  In this case solving the problem is stopping walking on eggshells.

What is it?

In my opinion “walking on eggshells” is a metaphor or word picture for someone doing the following:

• Feeling responsible for some one’s anger or emotional outburst
• Being on guard with the intent of not triggering that person or persons
• Maintaining a defensive position just in case the person or persons do have an outburst.
• Being a blamer enforcer when someone else appears to trigger the one who had the outburst.

The word-picture suggests that this is an impossible task. Eggshells break and pulverize with little weight upon them.   People waste such energy in something they are not going to be successful at doing in the first place.

Furthermore, people who walk of eggshells tend to have lower self-esteem and only worsen their self-esteem because they feel guilty because they fail to meet their expectations.  The angry family member only gets angry—that is what he or she does.

Stopping it.

If we are going to stop walking on eggshells, we are not only to have to change what we do and believe with regard to the angry person, but we may have to deal with a few other people who are also walking on egg shells.  I think that stopping may need to take in consideration where the family power lies.

Stopping over-responsibility

Responsibility is a belief.  It is not bad in and of its own right as we should be responsible for our behavior and our words, but there is a limit as to what we can be responsible.  You and I are responsible for our own words and we can be respectful and mannerly but that is about it. As I have stated else where everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

People who walk on eggshells believe that they are responsible for the feelings of others and cause other people to be mad.  How does this happen?  It started in childhood when your parents and other significant family members played the victim and blamed you and each other for their feelings.  It continues into adulthood and can continue throughout a person’s life.

I think that change starts with putting faith in the principle that

Everyone is responsible for their own feelings

Yes, if Uncle Bobby gets angry and throws a tantrum or fit, it is his issue.  If he blames other people, he is shirking his own responsibility.  If Uncle Bobby were arrested by the police and taken the court for disturbing the peace, blaming someone else for his anger is not going to be a defense in court—he will most likely be found guilty if he does not plead guilty. 

Now, people may be careful of Uncle Bobby because he may also be the richest member of the family, but again his getting mad is his problem.  If you hold the belief in your heart that you are not responsible for Uncle Bobby’s feelings, you will lessen your stress.

What are you really on guard for?

Besides lessening your sense of responsibility, letting down your guard is another step towards stopping the eggshell walking.  Guardedness in this case is an effort to avoid getting hurt and to avoid feeling guilty.  I think that if you are not feeling responsible, then you will not feel guilty.

In the case of walking on eggshells, most people feel guilt for things that are not illegal or immoral.  I consider this to be irrational guilt and irrational responsibility--you are taking responsibility for something that is not yours to own. 

Furthermore, I think that people misinterpret the angry outbursts of the loose cannons or chronically angry in our families as being angry for valid and righteous reasons.  The reality is that adults that have chronic anger problems are really

Immature.

Yes, even the senior citizen member of your family may be immature.   Growing old does not mean that a person emotionally matures.  

Dropping the need for a defensive position.

I suggest that we can let the guard down and drop the need for a defensive position by looking at the immature and angry adults in the family as children in adult bodies.  Start by imagining the same words and angry tantrums in small children. 

• How do you feel when you see the child act out?  Does it affect you the same way?
• How would you act towards a small child who throws a tantrum?   

Sometimes when you look at someone in a different light, the revelation is remarkable.   (The problem here may be if you have had a habit of giving in to small children when they throw a tantrum, but that can be another post or maybe another blog.)   Anyway, when you are not in a defensive position, you have nothing to prove and nothing to feel guilty about.  You can look at Uncle Bobby as someone who has a need to get themselves in control of themselves and not someone who needs pacifying.

Dealing with the blaming family members.

There is often a secondary problem when stopping walking on eggshells.  Other family members are likely still walking on them.  If Uncle Bobby blows up at you, other family members may come up and ask in an angry tone of voice

What did you do to make him (or her) angry??????????????

They are blaming and shaming and are likely trying to talk down to you as if you are a little child.  In a sense, they are taking more responsibility than they should for Uncle Bobby's anger problem too.   They are likely shaken and anxious and tense and maybe angry that Uncle Bobby is angry.  Dealing with these people who come behind you and blame you is a little more complicated.

Under the assumption that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, my choice responses include the following. 

• Does anyone really have to do anything to get __________ angry?
• Nothing.
• What do you think I did?
• I am not responsible for their feelings.
• Whatever their problem is . . . they'll calm down.

What you do next is another difficult situation to figure out.  But most likely people will back away and maybe take a time out. 

Closing comments

 There was no room to talk about what to say directly to an angry person, and if there is a request to discuss this in the comment section, I will be happy to discuss this.  I do think that when we stop walking on eggshells, we will have less stress and we improve our self-esteem that we are not enslaved to walking on eggshells.

This is an act where you fake it until you make it.  When you do this for the first time, it can be a little scary.   It is a bit of a scientific experiment.  I offer you this, it usually works pretty good for most people. 

The gay or lesbian individual and the family at the holiday

This is going to be a delicately written post.    In the United States there is political landscape strewn with landmines when it comes to the subject of gay and lesbian (homosexual) issues.  Many people avoid this topic because of the grief that can be had from parties on both extreme sides.

Since this is an internationally read blog, the political issues are not going to be the same in other countries, but I think that it is worth writing because family issues are consistent across the globe.   The holidays remind us of our family problems because families are supposed to be together.  Many families are broken up because someone announces they are gay or lesbian and the holiday tends to be lonely for the isolated ones.

A story to set the tone

This story kind of sets my attitude towards this matter. 

A long time ago I was conducting a diverse therapy group that included an openly gay person and a Pentecostal Christian.  The Pentecostal had just joined that day.  A third group member had asked the gay person for some advice because the third person had a potentially gay relative.  After the gay person sounded very much like a junior therapist advising acceptance and tolerance, the Pentecostal immediately spoke up saying that they believed that homosexuality was not right and that God made “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”  (for those of you using translation software, it is a rhyming pun that may not translate well outside of English).

The gay person immediately shot back: “I don’t have to take this @#^&.”  All I could say was folks, we have to respect each other in our difference of opinions.  As far as I was concerned the gay person needed to be as tolerant of the Pentecostal as the Pentecostal should have been sensitive to the gay person.   They did not have to agree, but they did not need to shove each other’s view down each other’s throat.

They were both right, but in a sense they were both wrong. 

A divergence of views and the heart of the matter

In my experience there is a continuum of views when it comes to the acceptance of homosexuality.  On the far “left” there are families that are ambivalent whether a family member is gay or not.  On the far right there is rigidly conservative that view homosexuality as a merely sinful behavior that can be repented and turned from.   There are all kinds of middle views regarding this—but it seems to me that many people are all right with it if it does not happen in their families. As far as I am concerned it will be a long political fight over which side wins.

This post is not going to tell you what to believe about the matter of homosexuality.  Neither is it going to neither going to be about gay rights nor is it going to be condemning because when it comes down to the heart of the matter the question is . . .

Do you want a relationship with your family?

The danger of self-righteousness

In the context of family relationships, you can have your views, but legislation is only about legal matters (jobs, living arrangements, gay marriage).When it comes to the family there will be no legislation that can force a family to accept a family member who is gay or lesbian.  

I think that you can throw the words homophobia or homophobic around, and you are not going to make your relatives respect you any more.   Those words evoke a self-righteousness that will only further build up the walls between you and your family members. Social justice does not exactly work when it comes to families.

Furthermore, if you are the family member of a gay or lesbian, you are very unlikely going to get your family member to change.  You can preach to the family member the passages in the Bible that prohibit Homosexuality and you can argue about the interpretations of the Bible, but that too can build barriers between you and your gay family member.

Are Negotiations Possible?

In the spirit of respecting both the gay person and the family, a reasonable question is: are negotiations possible?  There are no guarantees as to whether this can happen.  Both sides may have their non-negotiables.  The religious family may not allow the gay family member’s partner to come and share the same room.  The gay family member may refuse to go anywhere without the partner.   Again, there is the question of: do you want to have a relationship? 

I do think that negotiations require a maturity on the parts of both parties.  If either side is immature or has the presence of a personality disorder, it stops being about the principle and all about the person. 

I think that also respect for the other’s point of view is key.  These are deeply entrenched views on both parts.  Relationships include agreeing to disagree.

Closing thought.

I am about families being together at the holidays.  I realize that it is not always going to be possible.  If there can be peace, I hope that it can begin with us and our families. 

I think that there is worthwhile in trying to see if you can reconcile with your family or family member in some way.  If you were not successful, there hopefully is the satisfaction that you tried.   Maybe in the future you can try again. 

The Perfect Christmas—the advertised delusion

Many people become depressed at the holidays because Christmas is not going to be perfect.  A lot of the material on holiday stress says to lower your expectations on Christmas and the holidays.  Despite all of the different material, I have read on the internet and in books, overcoming the sadness that Christmas is not going to be perfect is a tough one to beat.  It goes back to my metaphor that the holiday season is like a hurricane—you can’t get away from it.

The advertised delusion

In the cultures that celebrate Christmas, there tends to be an intense brainwashing campaign by the retail and advertising industries to get you to buy at Christmas.  At face-value the advertising sends warm emotional sentiments and images.  The advertising connects those warm sentiments to the advertised products and services.  If sexual attraction messages can be mixed in, you can be sure that they will mix them in

What makes the Christmas commercial even more sticky is that they use Christmas songs.  The tempos and arrangements are more intense as if to give a burst of energy for the 30 seconds.  Warmer sounding tones like bells are also used for that apparent magic sound.  The advertisers are intelligent in how they go all out to get you to buy.

There are at least three types of TV commercials that I have seen each year that rub salt into emotional wounds perhaps to the point of nausea.  These are the happy family, the great holiday party, and the faux meaningful morning.

The first nauseating TV commercial is the happy family on Christmas morning in their fashionable robes and pajamas with hair that does not look like they just got out of bed, opening up each gift with a look of surprise.   Opening up the gifts bought from that department store is made to look like the happiest time of their lives.  Everyone gets what they want?  Only for the camera.  

The second most nauseating TV commercial is the happy holiday party.  There are a bunch of skinny people gathered around enjoying beautiful and tasty-looking food.  These people look like they can eat anything.  This is where the "sexy" is thrown into the advertising mix.

Of course there are the meaningful commercials at Christmas.  There were two different coffee brands where an adult son comes home for Christmas at the last moment.  The adult son sneaks in, makes a pot of fresh coffee, and the aroma of brewing coffee wafts through the house as part of the beautiful moment.  The son's mother gets out of bed with hair that looks nearly perfect.  The impression that advertisers want to make is that a buying a can of the coffee is going to make your Christmas fulfilled.

Repetition: the brain-washing effect: You need whatever they are selling!

Advertisers know what they are doing.  They are sophisticated in their use of psychology, and they are effective.

Christmas commercials are repeated over and over again on TV and Radio for weeks.  They are on at all times of the day.   The volume tends to be louder than the TV show when they are on TV.   You just cannot get away from the commercials and they can break you down.

If something is repeated enough, it is believed.  What advertisers want you to believe is that you need to buy the advertised product or service.  Advertising creates some sense of a need and then portrays the product as a way of meeting that need.

The unintended effect: feelings of inadequacy and depression

For many of us with financial limits and dysfunctional families, we know well that we are not going to be able to afford most of the products being advertised.  We also see that our family is not going to be together on Christmas for whatever reason.  The commercials merely remind us repeatedly of us problems and inadequacies.  

Coping with the commercials

If the holiday commercials are bringing you down, I think that the coping strategy is going to require multiple techniques. I think that the drastic ones include:

1.)    Reduce the amount of TV you watch or stop watching it. 

      2.)    Listen more to MP3 and recorded music than to radio stations.

      3.)    Read books as opposed to watching TV.

I think the less drastic strategies are:

1.)    Only watch TV shows you have previously recorded and speed through the commercials

2.)    Consider listening to radio stations that have not gone to Christmas music formats.

I think that the standard strategies like telling yourself it is okay that Christmas is not going to be perfect does work, but that you often have to tell it to yourself over and over again because you will get the negative messages on a constant basis. My criticism of a lot of the books is that they don't discuss how intense you may have to be in using these slogans or affirmations.  You may have to put signs up around the house to remind yourself.

Sarcastic joking helps too.  One of my favorite jokes in the past that I have liked to make is a countdown such as: Only 18 days until Walmart is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Also, I am thinking about posting this on my Facebook page:

There are only 18 days until 106.9 FM goes back to playing the usual soft rock and if I hear one more remake of Wham’s Last Christmas, I am going to vomit.

Lastly, I think that a faith-based or religious strategy could be helpful.  I think that saying daily prayers and reading an Advent reader or lectionary such as the Book of Common Prayer could be of benefit to focus thoughts and perspective.  I emphasize that this is a daily activity.

Tomorrow, I will look a the struggle for faith and meaning at Christmas--or maybe just try to start the struggle.