Considering God's Existence and Revelation in Strange Places When we are Angry.

Many people in grief and loss question the existence of God.  If God exists, how could and why did the loved one die or the bad thing happen?  How can God allow bad things to happen to me?

This seems to be likely especially in the stage of anger. The person with grief can look at the world through the dark glasses of anger.  Anger does not let people enjoy times and things, but for some strange reason many of us hang on to it.

Anger as an emotion affects a person physically.  There can be muscle tension, headaches and nausea.  Anger can be monopolizing and affect the way things taste and sound.  It has a way of compounding from the mildest irritation and annoyance up to rage when more thought or time is invested in it. 

With all this anger comes negative emotional thinking.  It is all about the feeling and not the logic.  It can be a self-righteous anger where the sense of victim-hood brings a sense of entitlement. It takes away our desire to look at things logically or factually, and everything is negative.

The Challenge of the God Component in Christmas

This brings us to Christmas.  It is a holiday that commemorates emotion in some form or another.   It is supposed to be a “Merry Christmas.”  We are supposed to “make merry” or do things that make us feel happy.  It is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.  Yeah right.

In the pluralistic, secular cultures of the western world, there have been a number of alternative traditions that get away from the religious origin of Christmas and the focus has been on Food, Gifts, Santa Claus, and the feeling we are supposed to have.  As I have written in the past in this blog, nostalgia is part of this tradition of trying to get good feelings by selectively remembering or recreating the past. 

When you get down to it, despite all the wrapping, bows, ribbons, and sugar coating, the heart of Christmas is God’s revelation of Himself to humanity.  For the angry person whose longstanding grief has led to atheism, emptiness can get kicked up a few notches or levels.

I have found in my discussion with a number of atheists there is an angry, emotional core for their denial of the existence of God.    The angry person who became an atheist has likely asked: If God exists, why did He allow bad things to happen?   As earlier discussed anger is an emotional way of thinking.  Even with the rational arguments of philosophy and theology, every school of thought starts with an emotional core or epistemology.  No matter how logically a devoutly religious person may try to reason with an atheist, the conversation tends to stop at the atheist’s emotional reaction. Such discussions are going to stop because faith starts when the facts go no further.

In the end, you can neither disprove nor prove the existence of God.  The believer is not going to prove it to the atheist. The atheist is not going to disprove it to the believer.

However, if you happen to be an atheist or agnostic and you are still reading this, I supposed your skepticism has kicked into high gear.   

Many of us put an “if” or a “why” in front of God when our expectations are not met or when we get hurt.    Many of us get angry and frustrated at God in our grief.  Some people decide to deny that God exists because the “if’s” and the “why’s” does not get answered to our satisfaction.  

I will say that the concept of Christmas calls you to consider faith and belief and your “if’s” and “why’s.”  You are either going to have them or you are not.  But there is one question: What would lead you to consider belief again?  If God were to be revealed to you that you believed, how would it happen?

The Bizarre Sub-Plot of Joseph

Today, I am struck by the side story of Joseph—the guy who was Jesus’ earthly father.  Relatively little is actually said about him, but the limited information suggests he was a guy who definitely saw God.  You can read this in the New Testament of the Bible in the book of Matthew, chapters 1-2, (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+1-+2&version=NIV)

and the book of Luke 2

(https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+2&version=NIV)   

Joseph saw God in some of the most convoluted ways and he demonstrated his belief by his actions.  First, the girl he was supposed to marry turns up pregnant.  He was a religious and righteous man and he was going to do the right thing in breaking off the engagement quietly.  I think that he was one of those who had the right to ask . . . scream at the top of his lungs: 

“How could this happen to me?” 

He could have made a scene and show all of the self-righteous rage in the world and watched her get stoned in the streets.  But God sends him an angel in a dream, telling him to marry the girl, which he does.

After he gets to the place where they have to go to get counted in some mandatory Roman Empire census, the wife has the kid in a barn in the middle of the night and some strange people come barging in almost immediately with a story that they saw a bunch of angels light up the dark sky announcing the baby’s birth and singing glory to God. (Probably about) two years later some happy, rich strangers come in with some extravagant gifts wanting to worship the child.  When they leave he immediately gets a dream telling him to flee because the local tyrant in power was coming to kill the baby.

No one can get into Joseph’s mind from just reading the story, but part of me just can only wonder about his seeing and meeting God through these weird and dysfunctional-appearing ways at what might have been the most trying times of his life.  God did not appear to him in church or in happy moments when he was ready to meet God. God appeared to him as God appeared to him when God appeared to him.

This is a story where it seems that Joseph goes through an emotional roller coaster.  God met Joseph when he was in pain.  God met him in the middle of dark nights.  God met him through bizarre circumstances.  Christmas reveals a God who does not act as “if” we think God should.

God sometimes gives the “why” but it is not necessarily in words.   It would seem that Joseph had an “a-ha” moment after the shepherds came barging into the stable that indeed God was involved.  He would have confirmation of the "a-ha" several days later in the temple when a strange, old man and a strange, old woman came up and blessed the child and talked about what the child would do (later in the Luke chapter).  

Back to the 21^st Century

You and I have a choice whether to buy the story of Christmas.  Faith is a choice that is not a logical matter.  It can be a difficult choice when our brains are full of anger and pain over the loss and grief of something that we had cherished.  For some reason (whether divine or economic exploitation), the story of Christmas persists and it reveals God no matter how Santa, Christmas trees, and gifts try to crowd Him out. 

I hope this meaningfully challenged you and offered you some hope if not something to think about.  Feel free to pass it on by reposting it.  Also free to look at the 90 other posts on this blog for thoughts on other subjects.   

LIVING COURAGEOUSLY WITH CONVICTION AT THE HOLIDAYS

Over the past couple of days listening and watching some of the deluge of news stories, I have noticed that 1) many pundits and critics in the media are no longer shocked but now angry over Newtown Connecticut.; and 2) many people are scared and wondering how much more stringent safety measures should be?  It sounds like a form of grief to me of a very strong kind.

Collective Grief and the Energy it gives us

I think that we do experience grief collectively as a society and as individuals.  It seems to me that the media has this ability to connect us emotionally in a very strong way.   Other than the media we seem to experience it collectively as we disclose our feelings in the small talk we make in churches, barbershops, in grocery check-out lines.  We also seem to be grieving collectively in our facebook posts and comments.  We experience it individually as we feel our feelings looking at news aggregating websites.  We feel the energy that emotions stir making us feel like we should just do something.

Anger

Anger is a large energy generator.  At the risk of over-generalizing, it seems that much of the “empathetic” society including the fourth estate of media has moved into the anger stage of grief over Newtown.   They are looking for causes and some are making wide sweeping conclusions that there needs to be more gun control.   Some of the news analysis and opinion is focusing on the mentally ill in his country as the problem.

The energy that anger stirs is also manifested in the extra-large letter to the editor section of my local daily newspaper.  It is stirred in the late night comedy show I usually watch where the comedian came out and made a statement that recognized the tragedy.  It is present in the emotions of people who are critical of gun control laws and how something should be done to keep mentally ill people from having them.  The anger motivates us to stand and protect ourselves.

Fear

However, fear is also an energy that makes us protect ourselves.  Fear tells us

“run stupid there is danger!"

This appears to be showing up also in statements about making schools safer.  As I have heard the fear at my place of work, I have heard people go into laborious detail about what all the possible risks are in a place.

It is hard to say whether the fear we are feeling is tangled with the anger or whether the fear is a logical reaction unto itself, but there is talk about giving teachers guns to protect themselves and the students. There is talk about how things can be made more secure in schools.   This fear still may be part of the societal shock.  

Fear and Anger are Powerful Emotions

It is in times like these where we may realize again that anger and fear are very strong and powerful emotions or energies in motion.  I have to use the word “may realize” because both rage and panic short-circuit common sense.   The energy of the emotions often bypass the rational thinking part of the brain where you and I think through the facts and look at things in a problem-solving fashion and makes us impulsive. 

I am mindful of mob behavior.  Mobs of people can run for their lives together and then they can get angry and become a lynch mob or start a riot.  The one commonality is emotion—they all share it despite what they are actually thinking and act impulsive in unison.

On the flip side, people can be paralyzed by their feelings.  To see someone having a panic attack is like watching someone stuck in their seat on a roller coaster or like a victim in a horror film in terror just before the villain is about to attack.    When someone (whether adult or child) is having an angry tantrum, you cannot get them to do anything else until they have gotten over the emotion.   Emotions can be like G-forces that push someone back against a wall to the point where they cannot move.

One of my favorite shows is Survivorman with Les Stroud.  Again and again throughout his shows, Stroud will talk about staying calm if you are stuck in a survival situation.  Staying calm can mean the difference between life and death.

If you are reading this, you are not likely in the Arboreal Forest of Northern Canada or in the Amazon Jungle or in the swamps of Southern Georgia, but you are probably in an emotional wilderness where the pressures of the holidays are combined with the added emotional stress of the Newtown CT school shooting.   The feelings are powerful and perhaps are making you feel like you are beside yourself and frozen in anger and fear and feel like you are just surviving.  I think when we are stuck in such situations we need courage and calmness because we just cannot stop life as we know it just because of the Connecticut school shooting

Courage

Without looking at a dictionary, courage is essentially going along with the conviction of what the right action is despite the fear and emotion.  It seems to me that courage is romanticized through the movies and TV as big gestures of one hero fighting an army or the hero making a daredevil move for whatever reason.  (My favorites models of courage were John Gage and Roy DeSoto from the TV series Emergency who climbed up in high and dangerous places to rescue people.  John admitted he was scared in a few of the scenes.)  

In our real world, courage is not that exciting or suspenseful.  Courage can be:

• telling someone no. 
• walking away when they want to fight you . . . and maybe you might be called chicken by the bully,
• saying enough is enough to one relative badgering another relative at the family holiday celebration,
• buying yourself a present because you would like it despite having low-self-esteem telling you otherwise,
• doing the right thing at your job when others are not,
• going out to the malls and sending your kids to school despite the fear of what happened in Newtown CT
• going to that holiday family celebration and trying to patch things up with that estranged relative
• finding joy at the holiday season in some fashion or form

Courage is based on your context or situation, and it may be going against some crowd or “grain.”  Typically, you do not have courage without some type of conviction where you believe that some value or principle is worth the cost.   Usually the cost is someone calling you a fool—the vast majority of our risks in the world are not ones of life and death.

 One does not always act tough when showing courage.  When you are showing courage it can feel like the wind is blowing in your face at hurricane-force speeds.  Courage does not feel good until after you look back at it from the future.

I hold that there are people of courage everywhere that go on living and doing what is needed because it is the right thing to be doing.  I'm trying to be one of them.

I hope that if you are feeling paralyzed by your feelings that you can find courage to start moving again.  and do something in the spirit of the holidays.       

Holiday Grief--Yeah Anger is often a part of it.

I am on the second part of discussing the grief process.  I am reviewing the Kubler-Ross model of five stages.  Yesterday I discussed "shock." Today I discuss "anger."

Anger as a stage of grief includes lots of analysis and searching.  It is a time where we are looking for who or what is to blame. We are angry at

• ourselves (and feel guilt)
• the deceased/absent one
• anyone who is related to the situation
• anyone who we believe is responsible or being insensitive
• anyone who just happens to be there
• God.

It is hard to say whether anger hits like a tidal wave or whether it slips in . It just comes in. It is also difficult to say when the anger leaves.  Everyone is different and so I do not think it is correct to say how you will experience it.

I am not exactly sure that anger will always be a part of grief.  As I look at my own feelings, I was expecting my grandmother to die.  She was 101 years old.  She was not going to live forever.  I think that I was prepared, and I can honestly say I am not feeling anger about her passing.

When the anger becomes a problem?

Anger becomes a problem when the person has anger management problems. They either are impulsive and aggressive or they stuff it.  As a result of the impulsivity or the stuffing of anger, there is a consequence.

Bringing the holidays back into discussion, the anger can get in the way of taking part in holiday functions with friends and families.  The anger can make anyone to act like the mythical but iconic Ebenezer Scrooge.

Anger as a Feeling

In its essence, anger is an emotion that signals the body to act.   Anger tells the Adrenal Glands to produce Adrenalin and wake up the body.  The body gets tense and wants to get moving.

Anger also has many flavors or types.  The flavors depend on the person and the situation.  Some of these anger flavors include:

• Rage
• Hurt
• Sarcasm
• Irritated
• Annoyed
• Frustrated
• Perturbed
• Skeptical
• Critical
• Hate

Anger is not exactly rational.  Anger is more of an impulse reaction to what is perceived or seen at the moment (also called triggers).  As humans we tend to get angry first and then pull back to assess.

If we tend to be focused on and dwelling on anger, we are one big energy ball and we will not necessarily be thinking with our rational brain.  Even though there may not be a legitimate threat to our welfare or safety we can still be angry.

Anger produces an interesting paradox, the body wants to get moving and the mind may still hold back making for a metaphorical spinning of the tires.   There are people out there who are not in touch with their anger and have no insight as to why they are angry and while they are stuck. 

Being chronically anger can cause relationship and physical problems of various kinds.  The human body was not made to stay suspended in a state of anger because of what the metaphorical build-up of static electricity.  An angry person is not an attractive person to be around because they give painful shocks to everyone around them.

Getting through this stage--no easy answer

In my opinion  I think that the first step to getting out of the stage is admit that you are in it.  The person who has the most difficult time in doing this is the one who has low self-esteem or feels that they cannot be angry.  While it can feel like a failure to admit having anger, it can also be a relief to admit that you are human.

The second step is to start expressing the anger in healthy ways through talking about it or drawing, or your other favorite, non-destructive method.

The third step often is forgiveness.  Humans are going to fail themselves and others. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but letting go.

Sometimes people have to be intentional in this but for many the anger comes and goes. Most people do not necessarily need to see a therapist to talk about grief and loss because they know how to use the people in their lives.

Regarding the family . . .

Last year, I wrote a somewhat substantial entry on dealing with the family when it comes to anger.  If you want to read more about how the family can be part of the problem or get ideas on how to deal with your family, you can go back to it at this link: http://holidaysurvival.blogspot.com/2011/12/anger-underestimated-stage-of-grief-at.html


Closing Thoughts.

I have yet to say that having anger in the grief process is okay.  Well . . . it is.  It is not the end of the world if you do have it.  You just have a choice as to what you are going to do about it.  Hopefully, I have given you some basic ideas to help you if this applies to you.  

Stop Rehearsing Your Come-Backs.

I have both read and heard many people talk about their stress at Christmas regarding being around certain family members who are judgmental, critical, and verbally abusive.   These family members are also nosy and intrusive and trying to get into your personal issues that are none of their business.

It is usually just stressful to be around these family members because of what they have said in the past.   People make themselves even more stressed by rehearsing their come-backs or retorts to these relatives.

Anger has a funny way of motivating to rehearse our lines.

We remember what those abusive relatives said.  We remember the pain and anger that we have continued to feel. We then remember what we said . . . or didn’t say, and we feel the feelings that come with our memories of our failure, which are guilt and anger.

We may also remember the placating and patronizing comments of other loved ones:

• You know how they are . . . oh, just let it roll off your back.
• But they do love you and want the best for you.

Those comments did nothing and still do nothing to make us feel any better.

As the anger mounts, we feel our adrenalin and then resolve not to let this happen again. How dare they get into our personal business and make comments they had no business making! We think  that we have to take things into our own hands because the other family members are not going to come to our assistance.

Then we brainstorm a list of witty or creative comments we could say or might say. We evaluate the different possibilities. We look at the more profane or blue options. We will then think about what the others might say, stick their noses in it, and how they will shame us for what we will have just said.

After we make our lists, we then practice our delivery. We’re not satisfied.  We want the perfect comment that is going to make that abusive and idiotic family member shut up, apologize for all of their previous sins and grovel in repentance. The perfect line never seems to come.

We practice some more. We get frustrated because it does not come out perfectly.

The snowball effect.

Because we are angry some other past hurt comes to the front of our mind from our memory bank. We think about another list of options and rehearse even more.

The anger begins to affect us physically. We get tense. We start to get a little nauseous. We might begin to get the beginning tinges of a tension headache.

At this point we may begin to feel a little overwhelmed because it seems to be rather hopeless. WE FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND WE ARE GOING TO LOOK STUPID AND WE CANNOT STOP IT!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admitting reality and practicing true self-control

I have decided that sometimes surrender is freedom. This is one of those times.

There is a 99.9 percent chance that the abusive, nosy, controlling and meddling people who we are getting all worked up about won't listen.  They will also not admit that they are wrong for what they said.  They are stupid, stubborn and pig-headed. (Maybe we are too.)  No matter how perfect your come-back is going to be, it will fall on deaf ears.

So, many of us are getting all angry, anxious, and tense, wasting our energy on trying to create comments that are not going to do us any good.   We are putting ourselves in an impossible position.

I think in this case surrendering means accepting the a no-win situation.  This rehearsal is actually competing for something that is proving to be futile and worthless--the respect of someone who has no clue on how to give it.    Yep, this particular family member we are rehearsing to shout down isn't bright enough to realize human manners and grace.  We are competing to look stupid if we continue the rehearsal of the come-backs.

This surrender is only within ourselves.  This is self-control and not control of others.  We are not telling anyone that we are surrendering. 

Our hands are not tied

As part of this surrender we are also doing something different.  We just cannot go on rehearsing for something that will either not happen or will not work.  We are making this holiday season a miserable time.  What can we do?  

It is about thinking different thoughts and beliefs, and maybe open ourselves up to a different philosophy.  There is little space and time to give solutions, but here are my "affirmations" that I call therapist tested and approved. I like thinking these and memorizing these . . .

1. ) I trust my brain to come up with answers when the time comes.

2. ) I will take my time in giving answers.

3. ) What do I really have to prove to these people?

4. ) I really do not have to prove anything to these people.

5. ) I have the right not to defend myself.

6. ) Nothing is perfect.

Here is how a person can put this together . . .

I believe that you and I can think of responses when the time comes.  The family gathering is not a show that is going to be on live TV and is not a TV show.  If you are reading this, I hold that your brain works just fine and you can use it to figure out an answer at that time.

If you are challenged, you can take your time and give an answer if you choose to.  Many people feel pressured that they must blurt out an answer.  I recommend that you take control when you take your time to answer.  Maybe you and I have to take 10-15 seconds to answer, but that is perfectly okay.

Furthermore, we are not in competition with these abusive family members.  When we get in competition, we get in a tug of war where there is perceived need to win.  If we don't grab the rope, they will fall on their back-sides and look all the more silly.

Many people may demand an answer about something that you and I am not obligated to answer.  If we slow down, we can determine whether or not we really owe them an answer?  I fully believe that if one of these abusive relatives gets in our face and says:

Tell me.  Why did you do that?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

We can tell them, "I do not feel like I owe you an answer.  Especially if you ask like that."

Lastly, the family holiday is not going to be perfect.  No matter what happens, it is not going to be perfect.  Perfectionism is a pretty stressful place to be because you are never happy with it if you even find it.  Your family holiday and my family holiday is not going to be perfect.  If there is more good than bad to it, then we will be okay.

How you do it is up to you. 

I have hopefully given you some concrete ways of reducing how much you are torturing yourself trying to come up with the perfect come-backs, retorts, or answers when those particular nosy and abusive relatives make comments that are antagonizing, insulting or hurtful.  They are still going to be that way regardless of how you are.    

So, consider stop rehearsing your come-backs.  You will feel less stressed.

Surviving the Anger at Christmas and the Holidays

There is a lot of talk about reflection at Christmas, but I think that in reality, the brain is likely making room for thinking about unfinished business, and that likely means thinking about hurts and anger of the past year and of your life as far back as you are caring to remember. 

The busyness of the season is winding down prior to the actual holiday in four days.  Most of the parties are over.   School is generally out.  People are winding down from the holiday celebrations and settling in for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  The majority of people pretty much know what is going to be happening for Christmas by now.   There may be some scurrying around stores after work to look for gifts and preparing for travel, but otherwise, there is time and place for thinking.

As I discussed yesterday, many of us have been victims.  We have been hurt when we were vulnerable by insensitive and abusive people.  Bosses and supervisors and companies have overplayed the “take it for the team” mentality now and after two years when they are getting bonuses and employees got a chintzy cost of living raise but had the price of benefits increased—it ain’t flying.    The result is our feelings of  anger and guardedness.

Many of us have had our disappointments. Things that we were expecting to have happened during 2011 did not happen.   Of course, the economy has continued to be terrible and jobs have been slow to become available.    We were expecting better and we are frustrated, which is a form of anger.

Some of us continue to have the ongoing saga of anger towards the insensitive and uncaring family members who seem to be self-absorbed, elusive and patronizing.   We spend a few hours with them and then we remember why we do not see them very often—they are total jerks.  They make condescending comments and they act like they are perfect.

The anger can come on quickly like a flood as we are thinking about a number of issues we are angry about.  Before you know it, we are feeling our adrenalin, we are tense and we are more than ready to swear and kick something. 

The problem with anger in this case—no easy solution

As mentioned elsewhere in earlier posts, anger is a powerful emotion that is supposed to help us defend ourselves.  It gives us an adrenalin rush to get up and move quickly to defend ourselves. 

However, for the average adult, there are no easy solutions to the problems with work and family and our other disappointments.  With the anger response in these cases, we also tend to feel hopelessness because we cannot easily think of any black and white solutions to address the situations.  If we dwell on it for several minutes we make mountains from molehills and we lose perspective on what the reality really is. 

Because it is so easy, anger almost becomes like an addiction as someone’s life can become unmanageable.  I think that with the free time a lot of people are going to have over the next few days at least in the United States and Canada, it can become a consuming chemical fire that flashes and burns bright and hot with toxic smoke that chases away others. I think that this is where many with borderline personality have thought and do think about suicide or self-harm because they must have a solution—and one is not going to be found.

Combine that with the holiday themes of peace, good will towards others and joy, and you have a true hot mess on your hands.  You are supposed to be joyful, happy, and at peace.   Why not be alone because no one wants to be with you?

A not-so holiday anger management metaphor: Reeling yourself in

For many of us with anger issues, I have to admit that we will all get carried away with thoughts of anger.  It is what humans do. 

It is a learned skill to be reeling yourself back in.  We chase those imaginary fish that represent all of the evil and abusive people we have been victimized by.  We get snagged on the bottom of memories past when there was a conflict where we may have had some fault in the matter too.  We may feel a bite only to reel the line in to find that the memory of the bait we put out got taken by that slick shyster and we felt taken again all over again.

Dwelling on anger almost seems like a natural impulse for people.  It just seems to come too naturally for people.  It is just too easy and we can get lost in it like a daydream and we chase another fish.  

It is a choice as to what we are going to do in the privacy of our own thoughts. I cannot minimize any person’s past pain from the past.  It is real for me, and it is real for you—we are all likely going to dwell on painful memories and chase another fish through the lakes, ponds and streams of our memories and current situations. 

Most of us either need a confrontation or revelation that while dwelling on the anger of the past recurs more than we would like to admit, it has little practical use to anyone.  It does not make us a better person or a happy person.

How do we reel ourselves in?  It is a commitment to several different strategies. 

• It is a conversation with have with ourselves on a regular basis.
• We remind ourselves that it is not doing us any good to keep thinking about the pain of the past.
• We distract ourselves with other activities and thoughts.
• We watch a show on TV or get on the Internet and play a Facebook game, or put a movie in the DVD. 
• We get outside—weather permitting and go for a walk--maybe down to the open convenience store for one of those fake cappucinos.
• We talk to someone we get along with now.

I have to say that there is no one perfect and 100-percent effective strategy.  If you are dealing with a whole lot of anger, then I would recommend a number of little strategies.  When the thoughts of anger comeback, you will then move to the next little strategy with the understanding more than one strategy will be required during the days off at Christmas.