I am on the second part of discussing the grief process. I am reviewing the Kubler-Ross model of five stages. Yesterday I discussed "shock." Today I discuss "anger."
Anger as a stage of grief includes lots of analysis and searching. It is a time where we are looking for who or what is to blame. We are angry at
I am not exactly sure that anger will always be a part of grief. As I look at my own feelings, I was expecting my grandmother to die. She was 101 years old. She was not going to live forever. I think that I was prepared, and I can honestly say I am not feeling anger about her passing.
When the anger becomes a problem?
Anger becomes a problem when the person has anger management problems. They either are impulsive and aggressive or they stuff it. As a result of the impulsivity or the stuffing of anger, there is a consequence.
Bringing the holidays back into discussion, the anger can get in the way of taking part in holiday functions with friends and families. The anger can make anyone to act like the mythical but iconic Ebenezer Scrooge.
Anger as a Feeling
In its essence, anger is an emotion that signals the body to act. Anger tells the Adrenal Glands to produce Adrenalin and wake up the body. The body gets tense and wants to get moving.
Anger also has many flavors or types. The flavors depend on the person and the situation. Some of these anger flavors include:
Anger is not exactly rational. Anger is more of an impulse reaction to what is perceived or seen at the moment (also called triggers). As humans we tend to get angry first and then pull back to assess.
If we tend to be focused on and dwelling on anger, we are one big energy ball and we will not necessarily be thinking with our rational brain. Even though there may not be a legitimate threat to our welfare or safety we can still be angry.
Anger produces an interesting paradox, the body wants to get moving and the mind may still hold back making for a metaphorical spinning of the tires. There are people out there who are not in touch with their anger and have no insight as to why they are angry and while they are stuck.
Being chronically anger can cause relationship and physical problems of various kinds. The human body was not made to stay suspended in a state of anger because of what the metaphorical build-up of static electricity. An angry person is not an attractive person to be around because they give painful shocks to everyone around them.
Getting through this stage--no easy answer
In my opinion I think that the first step to getting out of the stage is admit that you are in it. The person who has the most difficult time in doing this is the one who has low self-esteem or feels that they cannot be angry. While it can feel like a failure to admit having anger, it can also be a relief to admit that you are human.
The second step is to start expressing the anger in healthy ways through talking about it or drawing, or your other favorite, non-destructive method.
The third step often is forgiveness. Humans are going to fail themselves and others. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but letting go.
Sometimes people have to be intentional in this but for many the anger comes and goes. Most people do not necessarily need to see a therapist to talk about grief and loss because they know how to use the people in their lives.
Regarding the family . . .
Last year, I wrote a somewhat substantial entry on dealing with the family when it comes to anger. If you want to read more about how the family can be part of the problem or get ideas on how to deal with your family, you can go back to it at this link: http://holidaysurvival.blogspot.com/2011/12/anger-underestimated-stage-of-grief-at.html
Closing Thoughts.
I have yet to say that having anger in the grief process is okay. Well . . . it is. It is not the end of the world if you do have it. You just have a choice as to what you are going to do about it. Hopefully, I have given you some basic ideas to help you if this applies to you.
Anger as a stage of grief includes lots of analysis and searching. It is a time where we are looking for who or what is to blame. We are angry at
- ourselves (and feel guilt)
- the deceased/absent one
- anyone who is related to the situation
- anyone who we believe is responsible or being insensitive
- anyone who just happens to be there
- God.
I am not exactly sure that anger will always be a part of grief. As I look at my own feelings, I was expecting my grandmother to die. She was 101 years old. She was not going to live forever. I think that I was prepared, and I can honestly say I am not feeling anger about her passing.
When the anger becomes a problem?
Anger becomes a problem when the person has anger management problems. They either are impulsive and aggressive or they stuff it. As a result of the impulsivity or the stuffing of anger, there is a consequence.
Bringing the holidays back into discussion, the anger can get in the way of taking part in holiday functions with friends and families. The anger can make anyone to act like the mythical but iconic Ebenezer Scrooge.
Anger as a Feeling
In its essence, anger is an emotion that signals the body to act. Anger tells the Adrenal Glands to produce Adrenalin and wake up the body. The body gets tense and wants to get moving.
Anger also has many flavors or types. The flavors depend on the person and the situation. Some of these anger flavors include:
- Rage
- Hurt
- Sarcasm
- Irritated
- Annoyed
- Frustrated
- Perturbed
- Skeptical
- Critical
- Hate
Anger is not exactly rational. Anger is more of an impulse reaction to what is perceived or seen at the moment (also called triggers). As humans we tend to get angry first and then pull back to assess.
If we tend to be focused on and dwelling on anger, we are one big energy ball and we will not necessarily be thinking with our rational brain. Even though there may not be a legitimate threat to our welfare or safety we can still be angry.
Anger produces an interesting paradox, the body wants to get moving and the mind may still hold back making for a metaphorical spinning of the tires. There are people out there who are not in touch with their anger and have no insight as to why they are angry and while they are stuck.
Being chronically anger can cause relationship and physical problems of various kinds. The human body was not made to stay suspended in a state of anger because of what the metaphorical build-up of static electricity. An angry person is not an attractive person to be around because they give painful shocks to everyone around them.
Getting through this stage--no easy answer
In my opinion I think that the first step to getting out of the stage is admit that you are in it. The person who has the most difficult time in doing this is the one who has low self-esteem or feels that they cannot be angry. While it can feel like a failure to admit having anger, it can also be a relief to admit that you are human.
The second step is to start expressing the anger in healthy ways through talking about it or drawing, or your other favorite, non-destructive method.
The third step often is forgiveness. Humans are going to fail themselves and others. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but letting go.
Sometimes people have to be intentional in this but for many the anger comes and goes. Most people do not necessarily need to see a therapist to talk about grief and loss because they know how to use the people in their lives.
Regarding the family . . .
Last year, I wrote a somewhat substantial entry on dealing with the family when it comes to anger. If you want to read more about how the family can be part of the problem or get ideas on how to deal with your family, you can go back to it at this link: http://holidaysurvival.blogspot.com/2011/12/anger-underestimated-stage-of-grief-at.html
Closing Thoughts.
I have yet to say that having anger in the grief process is okay. Well . . . it is. It is not the end of the world if you do have it. You just have a choice as to what you are going to do about it. Hopefully, I have given you some basic ideas to help you if this applies to you.
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