I Want a Relationship with You but I Don’t Want a Relationship with You if You are Going to Be that Way! (Grief in Relationships)

In positive terms, families that are disengaged are more about the individual success than the family sticking together.  The positively disengaged family is about “You can do it. Go for it. Be all you can be!” 

In negative terms, the disengaged family is more about, you and I do not get along and so, someone is leaving.  Existentially this can look like

1. I am going to get away from you because you are abusive, and controlling, and oppressive.   
2.  Leave if you are going to be that way (we often call the departed one a prodigal-but it goes both ways).

Regrettable Rediscoveries

Many kids become adults who attempt to rediscover estranged parents and grandparents.  Sometimes the re-connection is a wonderful discovery and sometimes it is an epiphany as to why the custodial parent left.  The reunion with the estranged parent is often short and painful.

In my work, I have had numerous clients complain and lament about the absent mom or dad.  The mom or dad does not seem to care or makes promises that he or she does not keep. 

Sometimes, the estranged parent is a defensive jerk who fails to understand that for them to give suggestions or criticisms; they need to develop credibility before they spew the unsolicited advice.  The defensive jerk may portray himself or herself as a victim of the situation.  Sometimes they actually think they have valid points but miss the fact they are not credible.  The estranged parent generally fails to understand that he or she may need to apologize for failing to be there; procreating a new life impulsively brings a plethora of long-term, emotional consequences for the shunned responsibility.    Given the parent’s inability to understand such an apology is never coming and never will.

With many of my current patients, a recurring theme is that the absent parent is a drug addict, incarcerated sociopath, or convicted felon on the lam.  This absent parent also tends to be behind on child support payments. That parent is too busy smoking pot, shooting heroin, surviving penitentiary, or working the next angle that there is nothing to contribute.  The sad reality is that there is a cycle of dysfunction driven by a modicum of victimhood in that that the kid who was abused and neglected—often becomes the abusive and neglecting absent parent.

Other than the absent biological parent, there is the issue of the in-law.  Many do not get along with in-laws.  There is often a dynamic where the mother in-law or father in-law is too much like you and you repel each other because there is a competition for control or attention. 

Sometimes you marry someone with the baggage of the absent or dysfunctional parent.  You find that the absent or dysfunctional parent does or says stupid and abusive things and you hear about it afterwards.  It is also a real wakeup call when the dysfunctional in-law starts drama at a holiday, or excludes you and your spouse from family events or they keep secrets like they have a terminal illness or other important family medical information.

Another slice of the in-law issue is the disruptive sister or brother-in-law.  Maybe they were the favorite or maybe they are the black sheep.  Maybe they are a malignant drama queen who yells and throws a tantrum when they do not get their ways (they will be the defensive ones who disrupt family gatherings).

Trying to talk to these people is often futile

If you try and talk to these people about your feelings and you are trying to get change or at least an apology, you may find yourself having a futile conversation.  The hope is that they will be listening and apologetic with a pledge to do better.  What you will likely get is a number of red herrings to get off of the topic.  The end result is that the difficult person will turn into a defensive, self-righteous victim who will try to turn it all on you as being the problem.     The victim can find often find emotional and naïve rescuers who will jump in and attack you without understanding or knowing the whole truth and a firestorm exists.

If you do not get the immediate firestorm, you may get a later confrontation from a third family member who blames you for starting drama.  The person you just confronted may go to a third person for emotional rescue and make some vague emotional complaint about you that had little to do with your original confrontation.  You did . . . but you did not  . . . start the drama.

At least one more possibility is you get the hypocritical, plastic-faced family member who avoids you for years after the confrontation.  While they may sound religious and together, they are too invested in looking good than being real and genuine, and your confrontation likely poked through the paper-thin gift box that hides the empty box inside.  Part of their lack of integrity is to run because they do not have the character to apologize and admit they are not perfect.

Tying grief in—

Trying to talk to these people can be akin the bargaining phase of grief.  Some of us want to take responsibility to do what we can in our relationships.  Since these are family relationships we do tend to take them very personal and take a lot of responsibility, so talking to them about the problems seems to be the right thing to do.

Maybe we realize that there is not going to be a good relationship, and maybe we keep trying.  Maybe we keep hurting because that other person is abusive and controlling and negative and may be spreading unfair and ignorant rumors about us.  Maybe we wanted our kids to have relationships with their grandparents but the grandparents seem to have their heads stuck up their rear-ends as to how neglectful they have been.

A painful flip side of the neglect is that even if we were to have a relationship with these people, it would be on their emotional  terms.   They want control and there is no acceptance.  They would not have anything to say to us unless it was abusive and critical and non-accepting, and so many of us come to the painful conclusion: I want a relationship with you but I don’t want a relationship with you if you are going to be that way.

Trying to figure out what to do?

There are no easy answers when it comes to this situation.  The practical task at hand though seems to be managing our feelings.  We can get involved in other things to get our mind away from the pain.  We can try not to ruminate too much on what is not and what could have been.  We can get ourselves busy—but hopefully not meaninglessly busy in mindless driven behavior which is likely to burn us out.  So, we may have to practice a sense of emotional survival in the face of these situations. 

I hope that these thoughts were helpful to you.  For those of us in these situations, we are not alone.  Feel free to peruse the rest of the blog for other coping ideas.  If you like this post, feel free to re-post on your own social media—pass it on. 

Anhedonia. Grief and Loss in the time of Feasting, Snacking, and Partying.

We were not listening to the most religious music going to church yesterday, but there could not have a better "teachable moment."  My son and daughter were actually listening to the words of Santa Baby as sung by Eartha Kitt.  The woman in Santa Baby wants it all and as my daughter astutely noted, she wanted it now!   My daughter is a smart girl.

Stuff is supposed to make people good at the holidays.  It is either supposed to get us in touch with our inner child or it is touching that someone was thoughtful of us and what we like-- and it shows that they cared.

The holidays also have an emphasis on food.  There are many special holiday dishes, snacks, desserts, and drinks.  The food is more than just about the taste (especially if the tradition is Lutefisk), it is the tradition.

With grief and loss A 50-cent word that seems appropriate to consider at the holidays is Anhedonia, which is the inability to experience pleasure.  Presents and holiday cuisine do not bring pleasure or the Christmas spirit and the song Santa Baby does not fit where you are. Holiday food and drink does not taste great.  Parties are just not fun and you may not want to be around people.   The following are possible ways people in grief show anhedonia.

If someone is in the shock/denial stage, there is often little to no room to think about presents.  The world has just been rocked and the thoughts are just somewhere else.

In the anger stage, there may be a number of different manifestations of this uncomfortable emotion. There may be a preoccupation of guilt with anger towards oneself.  There may be anger towards others in your family for their disrespect or apparent thoughtlessness. It may very well be possible that someone is not interested in looking at the Christmas Story and its theology because of anger towards God.  There is too much anger to be able enjoy the season and the meaning.

In the bargaining stage it may be possible that people go overboard trying to recreate Christmas in the way it has always been.  This is the chase of nostalgia. Some people may just wear themselves out trying to do it all, buying it all and recreating the feeling.  Some people may claim that this is really putting off their own grief to be strong for others, and there is no satisfaction.

In the depression phase there is the out and out depression.  Nothing is good. Nothing is pleasurable. Things are empty and numb without feeling.

With anhedonia, the Christmas music can seem like irritating noise. No, it's not the happiest time of the year, and you can take your jingle bells and cram them where the sun does not shine.  Shut up about what you want Santa baby to bring you.  If this is you . . . you hopefully show self-control and keep the words inside your head versus actually saying them and creating collateral damage.

How do we deal with it?  Accept It. 

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with saying that we are in grief and that we are feeling grief.  We have to give ourselves permission to feel grief.   Grief is the normal emotional reaction to the loss of something significant.

The feelings are going to come.  The feelings are going to go.  The feelings come and go when they do.

We don't have permission to say and do anything we want, but it is up to each of us to give ourselves permission to feel.  Stuffing feelings is not always an act of showing strength or maturity.

Accepting that we are in grief means telling ourselves that it is okay to feel what we are feeling. We are affirming that it is normal to feel anhedonia in grief and loss and that we are normal people. Yes, we feel Bah-humbug, but that does not make us an Ebenezer Scrooge.

For the record, if you are having thoughts of suicide, you may want to call your local or regional mental health hotline. If you live in the United States there is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

Stuck in Grief? 

Being stuck in grief is a little tricky.  Opinions vary as to how long grief should last.  Some people continue to grieve years past the loss to the cost of normal functioning.  There is often a point where the grief is no longer about the actual loss but some secondary gain.  If you wonder if you are stuck in grief, it may be in your interest to go visit a therapist or counselor and explore this.

I hope that this has met a need.  If you like it and think it would help others, feel free to re-post it and pass it along.

Grief and Loss: It is real this holiday season

In evaluating whether I want to add to the this blog this year, I looked at the good old Google Analytics, there have been almost 2400 views of the blog, and that is enough for my vain self’s ego to write again this year. I myself feel more reason to write and reflect this year with the passing of my father on Labor Day. (For those of you outside of the United States, Labor Day is the first Monday of September.)  For me grief and loss is real this year and I think I wanted to share my journey this year at the holidays—and maybe that will lend some personal credibility and not just because I am also a professional.

It serves to say here that my family is spread out. For you technical types we are “disengaged.”  We all live our lives in different states—hours or days away from each other.  For reference I live in Kentucky and my parents live/lived in Florida.  We occasionally if but rarely talk as a family, and if my family members talk amongst themselves about this—I doubt they will tell me, or one of them will act as a spokesperson (approved or unapproved).  If you are that self-appointed spokesperson, keep it to yourself unless you are going to compliment me about what a great writer I am.

The following account is my personal story line.  I have shown respect to not share much of what my family members have said or expressed; their feelings are not my feelings. It frames where I am going in this year's posts on surviving the holidays.

The Story

On the day Dad died, I had an answering machine message from mother that she had called the emergency medical services to take dad to the hospital.  I could not contact her because her cell phone was not working and apparently she did not have Dad’s cell phone.  I called my brother in another state and my brother who is a minister (and who knows some tricks having to do a lot of hospital visitation) was able to figure out which hospital to which Dad was taken.

I posted on Facebook a prayer request for my father.   A bunch of my ‘friends’ clicked on like and commented that they were praying.  I remember feeling numb but I continued with my errands and tasks since it was a holiday.  We did not go downtown to the riverfront as planned because we were waiting on information.

I talked with nurses a few times during the day in the Emergency Department and then in the Critical Care Unit. I could not actually talk with Dad or mom.  The emergency room nurse repeatedly told me that Dad was stable the two times I called. On the third occasion I was told Dad had been transferred to the Critical Care Unit and I was forwarded there.  The Critical Care nurse told me that mom had left the hospital to go let out the dog, and I could not talk with Dad.  I then finally got mom at home at about 8:00 that night.  She discussed Dad’s grave condition and that Dad may not make it and if he did make it he would have to be in a nursing home.   I got mom’s permission to call my uncle/dad’s younger brother in another state to inform him of Dad’s condition.  In the midst of the phone call to my uncle, mother rang in (through call waiting) to let me know in a desperate voice that she was going back to the hospital because they called and said that Dad was dying.

I had shut down my computer for the night by about 10pm.  I was waiting to hear back from mother. I got no phone call. I did not sleep well, waiting in suspense as to whether or not Dad made it through the night.

The day after

I got up 5:00 a.m. because it was my normal time and I had responsibilities with getting the kids to school and work. I still had the number of the Critical Care Unit.  I called and talked to the nurse I had talked to the night before.  She told me in a patronizing and annoyed tone of voice that my father had died the previous night at 8:39 and my mother had already released his body by phone to the mortuary.  I then numbly and ignorantly texted my uncle and copied my brother on it that I had information from the hospital that Dad had died the night before.   My brother called immediately asking if I meant for him to get the text.  I told my brother that I had not had a call back from mom and I called myself, and I assumed nothing.  My brother apologized that I had not been called last night.

My uncle texted back that he had learned from Facebook the night before that my father had died.  I then got online and found that one of my nephews and nieces had posted that my father/their grandfather had died.

Yes, I was annoyed and irritated about having been kept in suspense. But I was trying to be mindful and understanding that we were all in shock.  When we are in shock, we are not detailed oriented and not necessarily empathetic as people; we are not in a giving place.  My first impulse was that I really wanted to call the hospital administrator in Florida and complain about the insensitivity of the borderline personality nurse who should have had a lot more tact in telling a son that his father had died.  Telling me stuff may have been a HIPPAA violation, and that could have been especially punishing of the nurse and cost the hospital, but I try not to be a malevolent type; she was the safer object for my anger at the time.  Okay, I was moving from the shock stage to the anger stage of grief within 10 hours, I likened myself to the author of Ecclesiastes who kept his mind sharp even when he was getting drunk on wine.

My wife had told our kids while I was riding the exercise bike that my Dad had died.  I would have liked to be the one to have said it, but okay.  

I decided to go ahead and go to work.  There was no house to go to and sit with other family members and cry, and I was not one for sitting home alone.   While waiting at my son’s bus stop I heard George Strait singing

Let me tell you a secret about a father's love

A secret that my daddy said was just between us

You see daddies don't just love their children every now and then

It's a love without end, Amen, it's a love without end, Amen

 (Love without end Amen Aaron Barker writer, Muy Bueno)

I asked myself, as I fought the tears, whether going to work was a good idea?   I was a stubborn person who had fought through office politics and a doctorate, and I was going summon the stubbornness today. 

 I told my immediate coworkers that my father had died. A few of them expressed anger as to why I was working.  I emailed my boss and told him of the situation and that I would let him know of family plans.

There was nothing more self-righteously gratifying in giving her the intangible bitch-slap of telling her in almost a whisper that my father died last night.  The information morphed her stupid smile into embarrassed shock.  

One self-righteously satisfying moment was when one of the school teachers on the hospital unit I work came up with a cheesy smile and told me to smile in a playful tone.  There was nothing more self-righteously gratifying in giving her the intangible bitch-slap of telling her in almost a whisper that my father died last night.  The information morphed her stupid smile into embarrassed shock.  She apologized and then went into an angry “why I was at work?”   The correct response would have been for her to immediately shut up and creep away, but she silenced herself within 10 seconds.   

Awkward Following Days

I asked for permission to place an obituary in the daily paper of the metropolitan area in Iowa where we grew up and called home before Mom and Dad moved to Florida.  Even though connections had died or dispersed, I thought Dad needed to be honored.   I chose a recent picture of Dad instead of some picture from long ago.   Only two parties made comment on the online registry book, well Dad did not spend his time and effort there being a civic pillar of the community.

I also went on a retreat with my son to a church camp on the Friday following Labor Day.  I felt somewhat awkward, but I was going to press on. I was not going to sit at home and do nothing.

As the days went by I got sympathetic comments from people at church.  Some of the condolences were smooth and some were awkward.  Some were patronizing and some were respectful.  One that particularly struck me as awkward was from one of the older, self-righteous types, with a hearing impairment who continues to refuse to use the microphone at church business meetings.  He gave his condolences with poor eye contact and embarrassed smile and almost joking tone of voice.  Overall, it was awkward, because some of the people who never talk to me  . . . talked to me.

My mother announced about a week later that she was not going to have a memorial service for Dad.  She was going to hold onto the ashes and we could in-urn them together after she died.  She mentioned that we should move on and not hold onto anger.   It is not in good taste here to go into the dirty laundry, but on the one hand I thought one ill-mannered family member’s utterance was reminding me why we live the distances that we do, but then another part of me said, “What’s the difference anyway?”

Family aside, different people in my community wanted to do something for me.  The flowers from the church were nice but awkward.   The office wanted to give me a gift—I told them to make a donation somewhere.  As far as I was concerned, as part of my disengaged family life, I was moving on and I was focused on my own business and my own life as I had always done.

My brother the minister flew down to Florida and got some of my father’s things.  He came back through Kentucky on the way home driving Dad’s van with some of Dad’s possessions.  I accepted a number of things that had meaning to me.  Among his possessions I have Dad’s slide projector and film projector (still in their original boxes), his tool box and some of his Bibles (the man had about 30 of them).  I also asked to have his college annuals as he and I graduated from Iowa State University.  It was surreal that I had possession of some of Dad’s things that he cherished and protected, my kids will get my stuff one day too.

Still in Process

I got to talk with Dad on his 80th birthday.  He had gotten his copy of my book that I had published through the Springer Publishing Company.  He had already read the publisher’s proofs of it and he said that he was proud of what I wrote.     

I don’t have any regrets—I came to appreciate Dad as a human being with all of his weaknesses and quirks, but also his character and his values.  He was not an athletic person and tolerated my high school macho pursuits of baseball, football and wrestling and he sat smiling as I struck out, got pinned in wrestling matches or warmed the bench.   He did cheer me on as I got my masters degrees and was there to see me get my doctorate. I was fortunate to have him in my life—even if it was from a two-day travel distance and in the form of five minute conversations every few months.  

For the past 10 years, I knew that time was limited.  I hugged dad whenever I saw him and I made sure to have told him that I loved him.  I made the most of those moments as I knew that many of my peers had lost their parents by then. 

As I write this I admit that I am still grieving Dad and I will grieve him.  There were days early on where I felt essentially like I had just woken up from anesthesia and as if I was wearing concrete shoes.   Short of the George Strait moment, I am myself but more tired and not exactly motivated to do all that much--even work on my next book idea.  

Because he has passed on, the holidays will be different. This Christmas, going to Florida is off the list. I will not be sending Dad a playful novelty or thoughtful book as a Christmas gift.  I will not be talking to him at Thanksgiving or Christmas on the phone.   How I experience those differences is yet to happen--and I plan to blog on them tastefully.

Going up the letter of abstraction one rung, I have personally realized when writing this, that when you are from a disengaged family, you keep the distances from each other because it is about you living the way you want to live or you are surviving the crap from when you were close. So even in the midst of being struck with grief you are more likely able to continue living the way you do because the deceased loved one was out of sight--out of mind anyway when he or she was alive.  It follows that when you stop and ruminate, you get distracted from the life you have sought to create and live by moving away, therefore, the holidays present the challenge and thus the journey of surviving. 

Closing note:

I have written about many different topics on this blog over the past three years.  Feel free to go back in the blog.  The most popular post has been my one on Ebenezer Scrooge.  I hope that you are helped by reading this. 

I'm Dreaming of What?

It does not seem like the holiday season here in Louisville, Kentucky USA.  It was in the 60's (Fareinheit) today and it was rainy.  Yes, there are 21 more days until Christmas and it looks like a late February/early March day in terms of weather.  But it is the holiday season and you cannot judge by the way things look outside.

Despite the weather, all of the man-made trappings are out.  Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights.  People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing that sits in their storage tubs the rest of the year.

The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people.  The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio.  People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes.  Music has a way of bringing on feeling and emotion and can make people laugh or people cry.

I'm dreaming of what?

The power of  music leads me to think about how powerful illusions and false appearances at the holiday can be.  One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas  by Irving Berlin.   The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.  

The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish.   He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either.  Christmas Day was actually tough for him because his son died on a Christmas Day in the 1920's.    From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell.   Yes, he made a lot of money off of it. 

Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas.  However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it was not real or personal.

Being Real

I think that coping during difficult holidays means looking at what is real and what is illusion.  I am not suggesting that everyone be skeptics, because if someone is not having a hang up  about Christmas and the holiday they should continue doing what they are doing.  However, checking out whether or not you are chasing an illusion can be of value if you are dealing with pain, so you might feel less pain or maybe even feel good. 

The primary Illusion in this case mean that Christmas is supposed to happen in such a way also known as

perfect. 

 In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy it means that a person suffering such distress in such a way is focusing on the "shoulds," "musts," and "oughts."    Perfection is unattainable and does not happen.

Who says that things should be a certain way?  Sometimes it is a powerful person in our life.  But most of the time it is us and what we are choosing to think.  We have the power to say what should happen and what should not happen.  People judge themselves needlessly against the illusion. 

Giving up the "should" often means surrendering and grieving that the illusion is not going to happen.  But giving up the "should, must or ought," can also be liberating.  The liberation comes from not feeling that the holiday has to meet a standard that is merely an illusion and not real.

If you are grieving a loss this holiday, your holiday does not have to be perfect.  It may feel numb and surreal.  Things may not exactly taste as good as they would other holidays.   You may choose a scaled down menu. You may turn on other music instead of listening to Christmas music, and it is all okay because you are grieving.   Grieving is a necessary part of life so we can move on.

For many, Christmas will still be painful and hopefully there can be less pain when people get real and stop chasing illusions that things should be perfect. 
 

Holiday Grief: Depression.

Many people feel depression at the holidays, grief is looked to as one of those causes.  Depression at the holidays can be for many reasons that include Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and a spontaneous episode of medical or non-medical reason, but grief is a big culprit. 

I think that when it comes to deciding the cause of depression at the holidays, it comes to the decision of the sufferer.   Many people who are depressed dwell on and reflect about grief, loss, and regrets, but it does not necessarily mean the grief is the cause.   It usually takes a bit of discussion and hearing the story, but getting to the intended topic, this post will talk about the grief stage of depression and how depression is connected with grief. 

The Stage of Depression

When it comes to the depression stage of grief, a person realizes that there is no bargaining and that they are stuck--the loss happened and there is no going back.  In the death of a loved one, the bargaining usually seems to be short.  In terms of a relationship-loss you see that the relationship is done, the marriage is done, the divorce is final.  The depressed phase can go on for a long time. 

With depression, there is a diminished functioning. The feeling is dark. There is a hole in your life.  You do not feel like doing anything and nothing sounds good. 

One example of the depressed phase was a couple I knew who lost an adult child in a car accident did not answer the phone for a long time. They just were not up to talking to people.  

A second example was a woman who had her mother as her best friend then lost her mother.  She not only lost her mother but she lost her friend.  She had no one to talk to.  She had a need that was not being filled. She was stuck in depression. 

Eventually, this stage ends if the person is able to start exploring and find a way to move on, and heal.  A person moves to acceptance and finds a way to live again and find a way to meet needs.  I plan on talking about moving from depression to acceptance in the next post or two. 

Being Stuck in Anger as a Cause of Depression. 

One other connection between grief and depression has to do with anger.  If you cannot handle the emotion of anger and happen to be either one of those who live in denial, or guilt, you will likely eventually feel depression because you will get worn down.  

Over and over again in my career I have met children and adults who have said "if only I had . . .."  They have blamed themselves over and over again for a negative outcome such as a death or other loss.  They assumed what the truth was . . . and the assumption was merely an assumption where the alternative was never, ever going to be learned; if the alternative did happen, there was no guarantee the loss was going to be prevented.   Part of my work as a counselor has been to allow them to tell their story and then look at the truth, and then forgive themselves for being human who can never know everything.  

A second scenario that I have heard over and over again is people who just cannot allow themselves to be angry.  They are afraid to be angry.  The images of abusive family members combined with low self-esteem just make anger to feel like a sin.  Maybe they were just too codependent and had no time to get angry because everyone needed them.  I essentially have had to encourage this type of person that anger is okay and that they likely needed to take a ride on the wild side and allow the feeling . . . anger will not mean that they will go out and start a world war, nor did it mean all else was going to be put on hold. I am not sure how successful I have been in these cases. 

What are we suppose to do with this? 

I have concluded that feeling depressed is okay especially when you have identified that you are grieving.  Feeling depressed is going to be a part of life and a task was going to be feeling it.  

If you are going to be depressed, you had probably be civil to the people who care about you.  I think that there is no shame in feeling depressed when the rest of the world wants to deck the halls, rock around the Christmas Tree, and roast chestnuts over an open fire.  You are not necessarily being a jerk  . . . unless you really are being one. 

While there is a general desire to withdraw and stay to yourself,  being healthy should be a priority.  Taking care of yourself and seeing that you are eating and exercising and trying to keep your mind engaged in something is appropriate.   Also, you may have to push yourself to be around people and stay off to the side quietly and let the merry ones be vicariously merry for you when you are depressed. 

Suicide is NOT Okay nor a Solution to Problems.

For the record, there are two types of depression: clinical depression and situational depression.  I have been discussing more of a situational depression.  However, depression can get to be of a clinical nature where a person's functioning level declines that includes 

• inability to sleep,
• eat too much or not eat anything,
• concentrate,
• take baths,
• be around people,
• enjoy anything
• and take care of personal affairs.

The depression can include feelings that all is meaningless, and there is nothing to live for.  A depressed person may give consideration to the following suicidal thoughts:

• Others would be better off without me.
• I don't want to be here.
• I want to die
• I want to commit suicide. 

It becomes a big concern when someone starts to think of a plan as to how they are going to kill themselves. Some people ponder overdose, firearms, car accidents, stepping out in traffic, and jumping.  Some people are passively suicidal such as by drinking with their medication and failing to manage a chronic illness such as diabetes or blood pressure.  Some people try to be subtle such as by getting into fights and getting a law enforcement officer to fire at them (often called suicide by cop). 

Despite the different countries and states that have approved physician-assisted suicide, it is the opinion of this writer that suicide is not okay.  Even though we all will die one day, our job is to live, and I hope you are reading this because you want to live and live as well as possible. 

If you are entertaining thoughts of wanting to die, I would encourage you to hang on.  There is always something to live for and there is always a reason to live.   There are people who care and value you.  

Even religious people get depression---it is not a spiritual failure.  Situational depression can wear down on a person to the point where medication and/or treatment may be needed regardless of faith or fervor.  

If you go for treatment to professionals, you are not going to get a shocked look, nor are you going to get shamed.  Mental Health professionals see depressed and suicidal people all the time.  They (including myself) are interested in being professional and respectful, and in delivering effective services to help people recover.  

I would encourage you to talk to your clergy, find a professional or go get an assessment at your nearest psychiatric hospital. If you live in the United States you can call the National Suicide Prevention Help Line at

1-800-273 TALK (8255)  

 or the SAMHSA Referral line

1-800-662-HELP (4357). 

I hope that this helps. Leave a comment if you have questions. 

Holiday Grief--Yeah Anger is often a part of it.

I am on the second part of discussing the grief process.  I am reviewing the Kubler-Ross model of five stages.  Yesterday I discussed "shock." Today I discuss "anger."

Anger as a stage of grief includes lots of analysis and searching.  It is a time where we are looking for who or what is to blame. We are angry at

• ourselves (and feel guilt)
• the deceased/absent one
• anyone who is related to the situation
• anyone who we believe is responsible or being insensitive
• anyone who just happens to be there
• God.

It is hard to say whether anger hits like a tidal wave or whether it slips in . It just comes in. It is also difficult to say when the anger leaves.  Everyone is different and so I do not think it is correct to say how you will experience it.

I am not exactly sure that anger will always be a part of grief.  As I look at my own feelings, I was expecting my grandmother to die.  She was 101 years old.  She was not going to live forever.  I think that I was prepared, and I can honestly say I am not feeling anger about her passing.

When the anger becomes a problem?

Anger becomes a problem when the person has anger management problems. They either are impulsive and aggressive or they stuff it.  As a result of the impulsivity or the stuffing of anger, there is a consequence.

Bringing the holidays back into discussion, the anger can get in the way of taking part in holiday functions with friends and families.  The anger can make anyone to act like the mythical but iconic Ebenezer Scrooge.

Anger as a Feeling

In its essence, anger is an emotion that signals the body to act.   Anger tells the Adrenal Glands to produce Adrenalin and wake up the body.  The body gets tense and wants to get moving.

Anger also has many flavors or types.  The flavors depend on the person and the situation.  Some of these anger flavors include:

• Rage
• Hurt
• Sarcasm
• Irritated
• Annoyed
• Frustrated
• Perturbed
• Skeptical
• Critical
• Hate

Anger is not exactly rational.  Anger is more of an impulse reaction to what is perceived or seen at the moment (also called triggers).  As humans we tend to get angry first and then pull back to assess.

If we tend to be focused on and dwelling on anger, we are one big energy ball and we will not necessarily be thinking with our rational brain.  Even though there may not be a legitimate threat to our welfare or safety we can still be angry.

Anger produces an interesting paradox, the body wants to get moving and the mind may still hold back making for a metaphorical spinning of the tires.   There are people out there who are not in touch with their anger and have no insight as to why they are angry and while they are stuck. 

Being chronically anger can cause relationship and physical problems of various kinds.  The human body was not made to stay suspended in a state of anger because of what the metaphorical build-up of static electricity.  An angry person is not an attractive person to be around because they give painful shocks to everyone around them.

Getting through this stage--no easy answer

In my opinion  I think that the first step to getting out of the stage is admit that you are in it.  The person who has the most difficult time in doing this is the one who has low self-esteem or feels that they cannot be angry.  While it can feel like a failure to admit having anger, it can also be a relief to admit that you are human.

The second step is to start expressing the anger in healthy ways through talking about it or drawing, or your other favorite, non-destructive method.

The third step often is forgiveness.  Humans are going to fail themselves and others. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but letting go.

Sometimes people have to be intentional in this but for many the anger comes and goes. Most people do not necessarily need to see a therapist to talk about grief and loss because they know how to use the people in their lives.

Regarding the family . . .

Last year, I wrote a somewhat substantial entry on dealing with the family when it comes to anger.  If you want to read more about how the family can be part of the problem or get ideas on how to deal with your family, you can go back to it at this link: http://holidaysurvival.blogspot.com/2011/12/anger-underestimated-stage-of-grief-at.html


Closing Thoughts.

I have yet to say that having anger in the grief process is okay.  Well . . . it is.  It is not the end of the world if you do have it.  You just have a choice as to what you are going to do about it.  Hopefully, I have given you some basic ideas to help you if this applies to you.  

Thanksgiving Eve at home:Nostalgia is a lot like the pink envelope sweetner

It is on cusp of the first of the holidays of the holiday season of 2011. 

We are staying home this Thanksgiving.   We found it most practical to stay home because of the current situation at my job--lots of staying late.  There is some thankfulness that we stayed home because of one of the main freeway bridges over the Ohio River being shut down due to cracks. The closed bridge has has caused significantly more congestion going out of Louisville. 

We have our plans.  It will be a simple dinner.  We have the turkey breast versus the whole turkey.  There will be no pumpkin pie because I am on a diet and I have not convinced my wife and my children that it actually is quite good.  I expect we will watch the Macy's parade and eat after the parade while the dog show is going on.  We will go to one of the local convenience store and have hot beverages in the afternoon to get out of the house so we don't go stir-crazy.

Thanksgiving 1968

Today I found myself remembering the Thanksgivings my grandmother hosted in the late 1960's and early 1970's.  In my nostalgia, I do miss them because they appeared to be where the action was.   I remember the smell of the gas stove and the cooking stuffing/dressing and turkey. I remember the sound of the electric beater whipping the mashed potatoes. I remember seeing my grandfather carving the turkey with the electric knife and getting greasy hands.

My grandmother and grandfather would have 15 to 20 people in the house and they were not all family.  There would be people at the main table, side table and then me at the coffee table eating on my knees with the second cousin a little younger than myself.

I would see the picture of the crowd of people who attended Thanksgiving 1968 whenever I went to my grandmother's house in Des Moines, and then at her mobile home in Florida.   I always looked for me in the picture off to the side where my mother was holding me tight to keep me out of trouble (they tell me I was quite the active toddler). It was the "glory days" of my grandmother's hosting, and that large photograph was the trophy.

I kind of miss that kind of gathering, but then in my nostalgia, I was only a young child and I had no earthly clue about the drama that was going on amongst the adults.  I did not have an understanding of the criticisms my grandmother had made and my mother's reactive defensiveness.

While my mother continued to rail about during the rest of my childhood about the criticisms, it was not until I was into my teenage years and started to feel my own exasperation about my grandmother's incessant and insatiable need to talk about her perception of what was wrong with me (my teeth, my hair, my face, the college I was going to go to).   The yellowing photograph in the same picture frame over 40 years does not tell the whole picture of what went on.    

Nostalgia can be a lot like the "pink stuff" or Saccharin-based sweetener that a lot of people still put in their coffee and other beverages.  It has the worst after-taste if you partake in too much of it and maybe with just one packet.

Nostalgia versus grief and loss

Mind you we do all have our memories.  Nostalgia aside, some of our pasts are better than our present currently is.  I think that grief often accompanies nostalgia because we often have to endure the thought and emotion that we no longer have that which was good or at least that we remembered to be good.

With the grief accompanying nostalgia we may have a variety of feelings: sadness, anger, and depression.    I would like to offer that this is a situational depression versus a clinical depression because we are having a feeling that is a reaction. 

The grief can be worse with the passing of a loved one that was at the last Thanksgiving.  It can be worse if you depended on that loved one to organize and host the meal.  Thanksgiving indeed will not be the same.

Changing your frame of mind
Dwelling on the losses of the past is like sitting on a tack.  You can get up and remove the pain from your derriere or continue to sit, bleed and hurt.  You have a choice.

The choice is that you are going to choose whether you dwell on the past or focus your mind on something now.  I think that having a variety of distraction options to occupy our minds on may be necessary.  Some of the options involve mind and body.

I am working on taking my own advice this year and my options for this four-day weekend include the following:

1) A project of building two small bookshelves for the bedroom so I do not have such a mess by my bedside.

2) Switching off between four different books including two Edward Abbey books (I have recently discovered Edward Abbey and his personal history of being a national park ranger to be just fascinating)

3) Helping my son with his Pinewood Derby car.

I have found being busy in both mind and body are often necessary.  I have decided that is why many like to go serve meals in missions and soup lines at the holiday (an excellent perception correction).

I have a colleague that has frequently suggested to others that they go and make some new memories. That can be a good option--your present does become your past. Why not make it something that you can remember with pride instead of just another day of sitting and moping over what was?      

I will be the first to say that it is all easier said than done.  Sure you may be alone with your thoughts and not have money to do anything.   But I think that it can be a lot of little activities that are not going to cost you anything instead of one big activity.  What can you do now that you can afford?  Pick up litter in your neighborhood, serve in the serving line at a mission?   Go for a walk (weather permitting)?

I hope that your fourth Thursday of November is better than you expect.