I Want a Relationship with You but I Don’t Want a Relationship with You if You are Going to Be that Way! (Grief in Relationships)

In positive terms, families that are disengaged are more about the individual success than the family sticking together.  The positively disengaged family is about “You can do it. Go for it. Be all you can be!” 

In negative terms, the disengaged family is more about, you and I do not get along and so, someone is leaving.  Existentially this can look like

1. I am going to get away from you because you are abusive, and controlling, and oppressive.   
2.  Leave if you are going to be that way (we often call the departed one a prodigal-but it goes both ways).

Regrettable Rediscoveries

Many kids become adults who attempt to rediscover estranged parents and grandparents.  Sometimes the re-connection is a wonderful discovery and sometimes it is an epiphany as to why the custodial parent left.  The reunion with the estranged parent is often short and painful.

In my work, I have had numerous clients complain and lament about the absent mom or dad.  The mom or dad does not seem to care or makes promises that he or she does not keep. 

Sometimes, the estranged parent is a defensive jerk who fails to understand that for them to give suggestions or criticisms; they need to develop credibility before they spew the unsolicited advice.  The defensive jerk may portray himself or herself as a victim of the situation.  Sometimes they actually think they have valid points but miss the fact they are not credible.  The estranged parent generally fails to understand that he or she may need to apologize for failing to be there; procreating a new life impulsively brings a plethora of long-term, emotional consequences for the shunned responsibility.    Given the parent’s inability to understand such an apology is never coming and never will.

With many of my current patients, a recurring theme is that the absent parent is a drug addict, incarcerated sociopath, or convicted felon on the lam.  This absent parent also tends to be behind on child support payments. That parent is too busy smoking pot, shooting heroin, surviving penitentiary, or working the next angle that there is nothing to contribute.  The sad reality is that there is a cycle of dysfunction driven by a modicum of victimhood in that that the kid who was abused and neglected—often becomes the abusive and neglecting absent parent.

Other than the absent biological parent, there is the issue of the in-law.  Many do not get along with in-laws.  There is often a dynamic where the mother in-law or father in-law is too much like you and you repel each other because there is a competition for control or attention. 

Sometimes you marry someone with the baggage of the absent or dysfunctional parent.  You find that the absent or dysfunctional parent does or says stupid and abusive things and you hear about it afterwards.  It is also a real wakeup call when the dysfunctional in-law starts drama at a holiday, or excludes you and your spouse from family events or they keep secrets like they have a terminal illness or other important family medical information.

Another slice of the in-law issue is the disruptive sister or brother-in-law.  Maybe they were the favorite or maybe they are the black sheep.  Maybe they are a malignant drama queen who yells and throws a tantrum when they do not get their ways (they will be the defensive ones who disrupt family gatherings).

Trying to talk to these people is often futile

If you try and talk to these people about your feelings and you are trying to get change or at least an apology, you may find yourself having a futile conversation.  The hope is that they will be listening and apologetic with a pledge to do better.  What you will likely get is a number of red herrings to get off of the topic.  The end result is that the difficult person will turn into a defensive, self-righteous victim who will try to turn it all on you as being the problem.     The victim can find often find emotional and naïve rescuers who will jump in and attack you without understanding or knowing the whole truth and a firestorm exists.

If you do not get the immediate firestorm, you may get a later confrontation from a third family member who blames you for starting drama.  The person you just confronted may go to a third person for emotional rescue and make some vague emotional complaint about you that had little to do with your original confrontation.  You did . . . but you did not  . . . start the drama.

At least one more possibility is you get the hypocritical, plastic-faced family member who avoids you for years after the confrontation.  While they may sound religious and together, they are too invested in looking good than being real and genuine, and your confrontation likely poked through the paper-thin gift box that hides the empty box inside.  Part of their lack of integrity is to run because they do not have the character to apologize and admit they are not perfect.

Tying grief in—

Trying to talk to these people can be akin the bargaining phase of grief.  Some of us want to take responsibility to do what we can in our relationships.  Since these are family relationships we do tend to take them very personal and take a lot of responsibility, so talking to them about the problems seems to be the right thing to do.

Maybe we realize that there is not going to be a good relationship, and maybe we keep trying.  Maybe we keep hurting because that other person is abusive and controlling and negative and may be spreading unfair and ignorant rumors about us.  Maybe we wanted our kids to have relationships with their grandparents but the grandparents seem to have their heads stuck up their rear-ends as to how neglectful they have been.

A painful flip side of the neglect is that even if we were to have a relationship with these people, it would be on their emotional  terms.   They want control and there is no acceptance.  They would not have anything to say to us unless it was abusive and critical and non-accepting, and so many of us come to the painful conclusion: I want a relationship with you but I don’t want a relationship with you if you are going to be that way.

Trying to figure out what to do?

There are no easy answers when it comes to this situation.  The practical task at hand though seems to be managing our feelings.  We can get involved in other things to get our mind away from the pain.  We can try not to ruminate too much on what is not and what could have been.  We can get ourselves busy—but hopefully not meaninglessly busy in mindless driven behavior which is likely to burn us out.  So, we may have to practice a sense of emotional survival in the face of these situations. 

I hope that these thoughts were helpful to you.  For those of us in these situations, we are not alone.  Feel free to peruse the rest of the blog for other coping ideas.  If you like this post, feel free to re-post on your own social media—pass it on. 

Are you happy now Fred? It's Anarchy! How Thanksgiving will be some places.

For the past four years in my work, I have used episodes of the TV show Suburgatory in my therapy groups with kids. It centers around the life of a 15-year-old girl named Tessa, who gets moved from New York City to a suburb by a father thinking it is going to protect her. It ran for three seasons on ABC and in other countries.

At Thanksgiving Tessa is lamenting the loss of her New York City tradition.  However, Lisa, her neighbor and friend appears to have it worse.  Lisa is dreading a number of holiday family traditions which include wearing a dress that makes her look like a Puritan Pilgrim.

One third of the episode is devoted to Lisa's struggle with her mother, Shelia.  Lisa takes Tessa's suggestion to tell Shelia that Lisa is not wearing the dress.  Lisa's brother Ryan then refuses to wear his vest that complements the dress.  Shelia takes her anger out on her husband Fred.  "Are you happy now? It's anarchy!"

Shelia sends Lisa to her room, and then turns up the thermostat to be persuasive.  Lisa goes over the top to prove her point  (You will have to see it for yourself) and disrupts Thanksgiving Dinner.

Subgatory is a comedy, but it anything like it happens at your house, people will likely do anything but laugh.  When over the top stuff happens at your holiday, chances are you cringe.

Shelia

Many mothers, matriarchs, and queen bees act like Shelia.  They are so determined to preserve traditions that they are willing to dominate and decimate to get people to conform at the cost of the relationship.  Shelia makes you want to hate her because she does not care what other people feel.  It is her way or she will punish you or destroy you.

Lisa

Like Lisa, many people feel that some traditions are humiliating or embarrassing and uncomfortable. They want the holidays to be fun and not beholden to some old tradition that has no comfort or security to it. They are willing to fight for change even if others suffer from the collateral damage.

Tessa

A side plot of this episode is Tessa missing what used to be.  Like Tessa, some of us grieve the loss of traditions sometimes. There were times when people got together.  Those were good times. They had meaning.  We don't have them now.

Us.

Sometimes watching something we relate to can be helpful as we survive.  We may need to laugh.

If you are interested in finding the show Suburgatory online, It is Thanksgiving, Season #1.  There are a number of online video sources that claim to offer this show.  I cannot guarantee how safe they are.   I make the usual disclaimer that I have no financial stake in your watching this show or buying a copy of it.

I hope that you were helped by this, and if you liked it, feel free to repost and pass it on.

Taking your family members' fingers off of your trigger(s)

I have posted earlier about how I think people obsess and build up tension weeks before the holidays.  Part of the tension has to do with people focusing on their anger triggers and how other family members pull the trigger.

We hate the anger we will feel when some rude, cruel, and abusive family member brings up some past issue that embarrasses us or humilitates us in front of other people.  We hate the anger we feel when family members mock us in front of the group.  As I have mentioned earlier that anger is a painful and uncomfortable feeling to have--we just cannot stuff it and let it go many times because of what it does to our cardiovascular and nervous systems. 

Therefore, many people who are dreading family holiday gatherings and thinking about avoiding them are likely stressing over the family members who are going to make them mad. As I have mentioned in yesterday's post, everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

I admit that this is easier said than done.  In my journey of life, it has been both a commitment and a process.  I have made my mistakes and I have grown and had my so-called victories in this matter.

A sad but true tradition

For many families a tradition is to start arguments, insult each other and keep the anger going at holidays.  I mentioned in an earlier post that traditions bond us in our relationships.  Families are strangely bonded in their secrets and in their ongoing pain.  The power of anger somehow draws us to dwell on how we can exact revenge at the next holiday in a creative and self-righteous manner. The past hurts never seem to get resolved and forgiven and sometimes it seems that the argument gets picked up right where it left off at the last family gathering.

Some families have a lot of anger too that comes out at other times than the holidays.  I recall one family I was working with in family preservation.  They seemed to focus on each other's triggers and were all about doing each other "dirty." Life in that family was all about who could get back at the other in the most hurtful yet creative way.  It was a sick family full of immature adults with much anger that seemed to make a game out of pushing each other's buttons or pulling each other's triggers. 

In the English language there is a saying that "blood is thicker than water."  The assumption is that we are expected to tolerate the immature, stupid and abusive behavior of family members just because they are family members.  We are to let their hurtful comments slide or find a way to swallow pain and pride because they are family.  It is assumed that our behavior standards are to be less for family members than for people outside the family, and thus we are supposed to find some way to tolerate the trigger-pulling.  

This does create a internal conflict for many people.  They are pulled in two directions as they both want to avoid their families because of the button pushing and trigger-pulling but they also feel that they must be with family because it is the right thing to do. 

The trigger pullers--everyone

While most families have their share of addicts, borderline personalities and narcissists who have no insight and poor judgment about their poor choices, everyone has the equal opportunity to push buttons.
Of course narcissists and borderline personalities are so self-absorbed and are victims in their own minds that they attack first because they live in their private worlds of attack or be attacked.

However, it is likely that everyone will push buttons knowingly and unknowingly by bringing up the past or by stumbling upon some topic that is sensitive. Or maybe some of us go back into our inner child and find the bad stuff and act childish for a few hours each year because we are back with family.  Outside our families we can look one way, but on the inside it can be a totally different picture.

The only triggers that you can control are your own

I think that many people do dread pushing the buttons by other family members.  I think that this is a waste of time and energy.  There is the difference between a commitment to be polite and decent versus being paranoid and walking on eggshells. (I plan to write later on this in a future post).

The reality is . . . that you can only have control over your own triggers.  You are the only one who can have control over your feelings.  I find that to say "you make me mad" to someone else is a 'cop-out' and a a surrendering of your personal power to someone else. 

If Uncle Bob is going after Cousin Henrietta at the table and railing against her about what she did in 2000 by not inviting Bob's daughter from his first marriage to her wedding, it is Henrietta's responsibility to handle it.  Jumping in and rescuing Henrietta only gets you into drama.  Despite how tender or immature Henrietta is, only Henrietta can be responsible for her own triggers--not you. 

Anger can be powerful and when we become angry we can be impulsive. I think that the real matter is that  we do not have a plan for how we want to be when someone pushes our buttons. Mind you, this is not about the come back you will retort, but it is about acting more mature.  I think that the plan starts out with a fearless inventory of your triggers and what you will plan to do if someone tries to pull the trigger.   

What are you most embarassed about?

I bet that if you gave it a little thought right now you could think about what your triggers are.  If you need a little help, a good question is:

What are you most sensitive or embarrassed about?

Besides a bit painful to ponder, the information that this yields will tell you your triggers. You can even expand on this list and identify a number of your triggers.

I do not think that you and I can identify all of our triggers.  We discover our triggers as we live our lives.  New ones will come up.  If you do not have a long list, that is okay--start with what you have.

What mature response will you make when the family member tries to pull your trigger?

Running through some possible "scripts" of what you can say when a family member pushes your button  and writing them down can be quite helpful.  I think that these possibilities should be responses that are calmly spoken and mature.  These scripts should be brief and not long.   Some possibilities could include phrases:

1) I do not want to talk about it.
2) I would rather you not talk about it.
3) If you wish to talk about this with me later, I can do that, but otherwise, I do not want to talk about it.
4) You may be right (This one I learned from  Leo Buscaglia)

 
The last option basically takes away the competition.  I think that people hear "You may be right" as "You are right."  You have conceded nothing when you say this, and it may catch them off guard because you are not arguing.

Can you ignore the trigger and say nothing.  There is often a lot of power in not responding.  When you respond sometimes, you give the cheap shot credibility.

What will you NOT say?  

I think that a standard for statements you should not make is:

 I do not want to regret it.

I think that you can make a similar list of phrases that you should avoid when someone makes a statement that pushes your buttons. My short list of statements to avoid include:

1) Shut up.
2) F**k you.
3) Go to Hell.

How long does it take before people start to push buttons or pull triggers?

Family members start to pull triggers and push buttons after a certain period of time.  When there has been a lot of time on people's hands and people get bored, then the words fly or slip out. 

If you have an assessment of that point of time, then you may want to make plans to leave by that time.  It is not always easy to get away, but manufacturing truthful excuses for why you cannot stay is okay in my book. 

What will you do if the idiot relative will not give up?

Let's say your family has some of those adult relatives who are bent on getting others angry, what do you do?  Depending on how drunk they are or how emotionally impaired they are, they will keep going.  I myself have a relative that is downright insatiable in picking with others and making criticism after criticism.  As old as the relative is, this has never learned to be quiet and respect others.

This is a personal choice, but some options could be:.

1) Set a limit by saying: "If you continue talking about this subject, I am leaving."
2) Go to the process of what is happening "You seem to have this need to talk about my faults."
(Warning--you may be pushing a button in return.)
3) (see above) Leave before this happens.

Who are the ones most likely to engage in button pushing?

I think that it is fairly easy to identify the ones in your family who appear to like to push buttons. They also seem to be the ones who like to control and play control games.  I have found many times that the ones who like to play control games use button-pushing as a game-move.  However, some people who are already in control, use trigger-pulling and button-pushing to maintain their control. 

You do not have to be in competition

Part of the tension and stress of dealing with the button-pushers or trigger pullers is a unrealized belief or inherent assumption that you are in competiion with these characters.  For there to be a game, at least two people have to play. 

The game-playing in button pushing and trigger-pulling includes anger-driven one-up-manship, and trying to get the better of the other person.   Family members engaged in button-pushing often feel that they must prove something to the button-pusher. 

I think that the amount of anxiety that can be reduced is amazing when you take yourself out of competition.  So much tension gets reduced when you stop dwelling on this losing situation anyway.

Disclaimer--you may have to decide which is going to be more painful?

As I close this post, I go back to the memory of the client family that had a habit of "doing dirty."   I have encountered adults of all ages who are so careless and thoughtless and so angry that they have no sense of self-control.  They can be so cruel and abusive in the way they push buttons.  In turn other adult family members will join in on the abuse either out of fear or diversion (better you than them).

There is a tension between being able to cope with triggers and respecting yourself by avoiding abusive and cruel people.   This is a very individual decision in which each of us must make for ourselves.