Grief a Second Year.

My father died Labor Day 2015.  I have made a full circle for myself in terms of going through the different holidays and other significant events of the year.   I have gone on in the year being mindful most of the time.  There have been a few surprise grief-related issues that have come up with regards to my family, but I do not have the liberty to describe them here, but I will talk about mine.  This aims to be tastefully real and discuss  what is therapist tested and approved.  

For 10 years prior to my father’s death I had been mindful that there would be a day he would no longer be around.  I made sure that I hugged him and told him I loved him when I saw him and when I said good-bye.  We had some meaningful times together within our ability to have them.  He did get to read my textbook that I wrote and published and he stated his approval of it.  We departed on a good note and I have no regrets.

As I look back through the previous year, I think that I did fairly well and awkward was the operative word.  The toughest week was the week after his death where it felt like I had concrete shoes.  From having seen others in shock, I told myself that this was grief and that the shock of such matters can be physical too.  Christmas and Thanksgiving were merely on the awkward side because of the changes that a phone call to dad and a gift for Dad were not in the cards and Mom had moved from Florida to Indiana just before Christmas.

 Fathers Day was the harder of the different “holidays.  I don’t have any specific answers as to why it was harder, but it just was melancholy. 

The Grass Fire

The memory of the grassfire in 1978 was what affected me most in the past year.  I will be real here and disclose that on my father’s first birthday after his death I thought about this.  On a sunny day in late October the Rock Island rail line ignited a large grassfire during dry conditions that burned about a quarter mile until it got to our place.  I remember the low black clouds and hearing the sirens get closer and bringing it to my father’s attention.  We got some shovels and went the quarter-mile back to the back fence line.

      When we got back there my dad jumped over the back fence and went down and around the fire line on our neighbor’s property to see if he could help.  I remembered that the Altoona Iowa Fire Chief drove on our property to survey the situation and then he left.  A little while later the fire came roaring up like the ocean tide engulfing me in a cloud of hot smoke leaving me choking. It was just me alone and I was afraid.

 I remember tucking tail and running and then saying a prayer and running back at the fire.  I don’t ‘think that I was a great or even good firefighter but I beat out what flames I could along a line in several places and the fire stopped about four to five feet inside our property. I was thankful that Dad came walking back after the fire had died. We spent the rest of the day putting out hot spots.  I look back now and think that because we mowed our hay and the neighbor hadn’t, the fire simply died out for lack of fuel. 

It surprised me how much I remembered the story and how it much it affected me. I also look back and I am reminded that I was in perhaps greater danger than I realized and that there were angels protecting me.  

Looking Ahead with my Family and Coping

         Memories aside from the past year and the past period, I look into the second trip through the calendar of grief and I have discovered that my family and I are not handling things the same way.  Things have gotten a little more complicated in ways with regards to new family drama given the changes. 

         With some changes come new discoveries.  People are getting into others spaces and having unforeseen conflict in the crossing of boundaries.  There are strange and awkward discussions about what did not used to get talked about.  New information about old situations gets disclosed. Family members show emotion that they did not show previously.  It is a mixture of amusement, bewilderment, and further shock.   

        I figure my family is like other families.  There is nothing that weird about my family. Of course every family has its secrets, but there is nothing new under the sun.  We are just embarrassed about our family secrets and there are subjects that we avoid talking about because it is just better that way.

        I have been a fan of Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) because we enter into situations with beliefs and thoughts and emotions.  The essence of REBT is that we can change our thoughts and beliefs when we go into situations and come out with less negative feelings and less stress.   It is a usable theory in terms of teaching a method of how to cope.

       In line with REBT I hold that we wear those beliefs, thoughts and emotions as glasses.  It is akin to the adage of someone wearing “rose-colored” glasses to describe someone who is foolishly seeing things as too positive.  With grief and loss, the glasses are dark like sunglasses and we tend to see everything as dark and gray.

With our families and grief, we may have to craft our own eyeglasses to look at things as they come along.  We may have to prepare and choose to practice thinking certain thoughts and beliefs as they express emotions and do grief their way.  We don’t have to own their feelings, in fact it is better if we don’t. 

     My REBT eyeglasses have been the following.  My family members will act in the ways they will act.  They will do what they are going to do. I do not control what they do.  I don’t have to own what they do.  Sometimes grief is just grief and there does not have to be any more to it than that.  Maybe the holidays will end up being on the difficult side but they are not impossible and they end January 2.

Concluding Thoughts:
    I hope that this is helpful to you in thinking about grief and coping with the feelings.  Feel free to look back through the blog for things that may be of interest to you.

I Want a Relationship with You but I Don’t Want a Relationship with You if You are Going to Be that Way! (Grief in Relationships)

In positive terms, families that are disengaged are more about the individual success than the family sticking together.  The positively disengaged family is about “You can do it. Go for it. Be all you can be!” 

In negative terms, the disengaged family is more about, you and I do not get along and so, someone is leaving.  Existentially this can look like

1. I am going to get away from you because you are abusive, and controlling, and oppressive.   
2.  Leave if you are going to be that way (we often call the departed one a prodigal-but it goes both ways).

Regrettable Rediscoveries

Many kids become adults who attempt to rediscover estranged parents and grandparents.  Sometimes the re-connection is a wonderful discovery and sometimes it is an epiphany as to why the custodial parent left.  The reunion with the estranged parent is often short and painful.

In my work, I have had numerous clients complain and lament about the absent mom or dad.  The mom or dad does not seem to care or makes promises that he or she does not keep. 

Sometimes, the estranged parent is a defensive jerk who fails to understand that for them to give suggestions or criticisms; they need to develop credibility before they spew the unsolicited advice.  The defensive jerk may portray himself or herself as a victim of the situation.  Sometimes they actually think they have valid points but miss the fact they are not credible.  The estranged parent generally fails to understand that he or she may need to apologize for failing to be there; procreating a new life impulsively brings a plethora of long-term, emotional consequences for the shunned responsibility.    Given the parent’s inability to understand such an apology is never coming and never will.

With many of my current patients, a recurring theme is that the absent parent is a drug addict, incarcerated sociopath, or convicted felon on the lam.  This absent parent also tends to be behind on child support payments. That parent is too busy smoking pot, shooting heroin, surviving penitentiary, or working the next angle that there is nothing to contribute.  The sad reality is that there is a cycle of dysfunction driven by a modicum of victimhood in that that the kid who was abused and neglected—often becomes the abusive and neglecting absent parent.

Other than the absent biological parent, there is the issue of the in-law.  Many do not get along with in-laws.  There is often a dynamic where the mother in-law or father in-law is too much like you and you repel each other because there is a competition for control or attention. 

Sometimes you marry someone with the baggage of the absent or dysfunctional parent.  You find that the absent or dysfunctional parent does or says stupid and abusive things and you hear about it afterwards.  It is also a real wakeup call when the dysfunctional in-law starts drama at a holiday, or excludes you and your spouse from family events or they keep secrets like they have a terminal illness or other important family medical information.

Another slice of the in-law issue is the disruptive sister or brother-in-law.  Maybe they were the favorite or maybe they are the black sheep.  Maybe they are a malignant drama queen who yells and throws a tantrum when they do not get their ways (they will be the defensive ones who disrupt family gatherings).

Trying to talk to these people is often futile

If you try and talk to these people about your feelings and you are trying to get change or at least an apology, you may find yourself having a futile conversation.  The hope is that they will be listening and apologetic with a pledge to do better.  What you will likely get is a number of red herrings to get off of the topic.  The end result is that the difficult person will turn into a defensive, self-righteous victim who will try to turn it all on you as being the problem.     The victim can find often find emotional and naïve rescuers who will jump in and attack you without understanding or knowing the whole truth and a firestorm exists.

If you do not get the immediate firestorm, you may get a later confrontation from a third family member who blames you for starting drama.  The person you just confronted may go to a third person for emotional rescue and make some vague emotional complaint about you that had little to do with your original confrontation.  You did . . . but you did not  . . . start the drama.

At least one more possibility is you get the hypocritical, plastic-faced family member who avoids you for years after the confrontation.  While they may sound religious and together, they are too invested in looking good than being real and genuine, and your confrontation likely poked through the paper-thin gift box that hides the empty box inside.  Part of their lack of integrity is to run because they do not have the character to apologize and admit they are not perfect.

Tying grief in—

Trying to talk to these people can be akin the bargaining phase of grief.  Some of us want to take responsibility to do what we can in our relationships.  Since these are family relationships we do tend to take them very personal and take a lot of responsibility, so talking to them about the problems seems to be the right thing to do.

Maybe we realize that there is not going to be a good relationship, and maybe we keep trying.  Maybe we keep hurting because that other person is abusive and controlling and negative and may be spreading unfair and ignorant rumors about us.  Maybe we wanted our kids to have relationships with their grandparents but the grandparents seem to have their heads stuck up their rear-ends as to how neglectful they have been.

A painful flip side of the neglect is that even if we were to have a relationship with these people, it would be on their emotional  terms.   They want control and there is no acceptance.  They would not have anything to say to us unless it was abusive and critical and non-accepting, and so many of us come to the painful conclusion: I want a relationship with you but I don’t want a relationship with you if you are going to be that way.

Trying to figure out what to do?

There are no easy answers when it comes to this situation.  The practical task at hand though seems to be managing our feelings.  We can get involved in other things to get our mind away from the pain.  We can try not to ruminate too much on what is not and what could have been.  We can get ourselves busy—but hopefully not meaninglessly busy in mindless driven behavior which is likely to burn us out.  So, we may have to practice a sense of emotional survival in the face of these situations. 

I hope that these thoughts were helpful to you.  For those of us in these situations, we are not alone.  Feel free to peruse the rest of the blog for other coping ideas.  If you like this post, feel free to re-post on your own social media—pass it on. 

Feeling Intimidated at Christmas and Fighting Pretentiousness

Christmas as we know it is a feast.  It is made out to be an extravaganza.  It is after all, as the late Andy Williams iconically sang "the most wonderful time of the year."  I have decided that for some it may be intimidating . . . I'm kind of feeling it.

Tonight is a Christmas banquet at our church.   I have previously avoided going to this dinner for various reasons.  Since I happen to be on the Deacon Council I was recruited to buy a table and invite some new church members to be my guests.

However, one of the other deacons who appeared to have sympathy for me told my wife that she would decorate it (we have women deacons at my church--no apologies).  Yesterday, we were not sure if she followed through.  Well, she followed through and she made the table look as extravagant as a charity gala that guests pay $1000 per table to attend.

While my wife and I are thankful, I speak for both of us to say that we are intimidated, which brings us to the subject of this blog.  Christmas and the holidays appear to have become vehicles for showing off your status and wealth, or maybe your pretentiousness.

The Meaning of the Word

Pretentiousness--being or trying to look like something you are not--is a a human temptation.   In our search for self-esteem, we may act like something we are not under the guise of "fake it until you make it."

It seems to me that many of us are frustrated that we do not have what we believe we should have.  Many of our bosses and professors were abusive and stupid and held us back from graduation dates and promotions we felt we were entitled to.  We suffer from having to work for cronies and younger proteges who actually know less than us.   We have been abused and we hurt and one our responses is pretentiousness to soothe our bruised egos. 

However, pretentiousness in the end will likely lead to disaster or a breakdown.    It seems that in the United States the complaint year after year is credit card debt where people will buy stuff (and I do mean stuff) beyond their means and will spend most of the year paying off the balances.   I have seen a number of people on the narcissistic side who bluster and bloviate and after awhile are rightly recognized to be all flash and no substance . . . and no character. 

Regardless, there is such a temptation in the United States to present as more than you are.  Sometimes people feel they have to be pretentious to get ahead in life.  They will buy cars, homes, and clothes beyond their means.  Divorces and bankruptcies are often the humiliating consequences from trying to be more than you are.

Humility Now or Humiliation Later

As I think about the matter of pretentiousness, I am called to be honest with myself and surrender to the truth.   Life is going to be painful at times when you do not have what you think you should have. Other people are going to have more than the rest of us.  Most of us are never going to be part of high society, and we will watch them in the society papers and on the red carpets smile in their fashion and formal wear. 

Reaching a state of contentment may often take a grieving process. We may cry that we do not have what we think we should have.  We may deal with anger over and over again at those people who we believe are the criminals in our past who cheated us out of what we felt we were entitled to.  We may be angry at those family members who favored others over us.   We may cry and feel stuck.  We hopefully can feel our feelings, put the grudges and sour grapes in the cellars and closets of our minds and get on with life. 

Coming Back to the Idea of Christmas.

We come to this holiday as we are.  We come with our feelings and expectations.  We often feel complications in our emotions--after all, life is complicated suffering.   We often wonder where God is when we are feeling so miserable and complicated--I ofter that God is still present.

Christmas in its essence requires only one gift.  It is the gift of God to the world of life.  One of my "Facebook" friends (who is also a professional, stand-up comedian) posted yesterday that he did not believe that God is 100 percent pro-life because Jesus came to earth on a "death mission."  I think that my friend stopped a little short in his analysis as Jesus did not just merely come to die, but also to be resurrected and live again and defeat death for us.  This gift just has to be received through belief.

Regardless of what we do not have and who we are not, God loved us by giving us  the greatest gift of Jesus.  Jesus was born in a barn and his cradle was a feeding trough.  It is a gift worth anything more than what is in the mall, and we do not not have to buy it.  

However, despite the gift of life, it is still difficult at times to fight pretentiousness because we are still in human bodies.  It will probably always be a fight because we are human.