I Want a Relationship with You but I Don’t Want a Relationship with You if You are Going to Be that Way! (Grief in Relationships)

In positive terms, families that are disengaged are more about the individual success than the family sticking together.  The positively disengaged family is about “You can do it. Go for it. Be all you can be!” 

In negative terms, the disengaged family is more about, you and I do not get along and so, someone is leaving.  Existentially this can look like

1. I am going to get away from you because you are abusive, and controlling, and oppressive.   
2.  Leave if you are going to be that way (we often call the departed one a prodigal-but it goes both ways).

Regrettable Rediscoveries

Many kids become adults who attempt to rediscover estranged parents and grandparents.  Sometimes the re-connection is a wonderful discovery and sometimes it is an epiphany as to why the custodial parent left.  The reunion with the estranged parent is often short and painful.

In my work, I have had numerous clients complain and lament about the absent mom or dad.  The mom or dad does not seem to care or makes promises that he or she does not keep. 

Sometimes, the estranged parent is a defensive jerk who fails to understand that for them to give suggestions or criticisms; they need to develop credibility before they spew the unsolicited advice.  The defensive jerk may portray himself or herself as a victim of the situation.  Sometimes they actually think they have valid points but miss the fact they are not credible.  The estranged parent generally fails to understand that he or she may need to apologize for failing to be there; procreating a new life impulsively brings a plethora of long-term, emotional consequences for the shunned responsibility.    Given the parent’s inability to understand such an apology is never coming and never will.

With many of my current patients, a recurring theme is that the absent parent is a drug addict, incarcerated sociopath, or convicted felon on the lam.  This absent parent also tends to be behind on child support payments. That parent is too busy smoking pot, shooting heroin, surviving penitentiary, or working the next angle that there is nothing to contribute.  The sad reality is that there is a cycle of dysfunction driven by a modicum of victimhood in that that the kid who was abused and neglected—often becomes the abusive and neglecting absent parent.

Other than the absent biological parent, there is the issue of the in-law.  Many do not get along with in-laws.  There is often a dynamic where the mother in-law or father in-law is too much like you and you repel each other because there is a competition for control or attention. 

Sometimes you marry someone with the baggage of the absent or dysfunctional parent.  You find that the absent or dysfunctional parent does or says stupid and abusive things and you hear about it afterwards.  It is also a real wakeup call when the dysfunctional in-law starts drama at a holiday, or excludes you and your spouse from family events or they keep secrets like they have a terminal illness or other important family medical information.

Another slice of the in-law issue is the disruptive sister or brother-in-law.  Maybe they were the favorite or maybe they are the black sheep.  Maybe they are a malignant drama queen who yells and throws a tantrum when they do not get their ways (they will be the defensive ones who disrupt family gatherings).

Trying to talk to these people is often futile

If you try and talk to these people about your feelings and you are trying to get change or at least an apology, you may find yourself having a futile conversation.  The hope is that they will be listening and apologetic with a pledge to do better.  What you will likely get is a number of red herrings to get off of the topic.  The end result is that the difficult person will turn into a defensive, self-righteous victim who will try to turn it all on you as being the problem.     The victim can find often find emotional and naïve rescuers who will jump in and attack you without understanding or knowing the whole truth and a firestorm exists.

If you do not get the immediate firestorm, you may get a later confrontation from a third family member who blames you for starting drama.  The person you just confronted may go to a third person for emotional rescue and make some vague emotional complaint about you that had little to do with your original confrontation.  You did . . . but you did not  . . . start the drama.

At least one more possibility is you get the hypocritical, plastic-faced family member who avoids you for years after the confrontation.  While they may sound religious and together, they are too invested in looking good than being real and genuine, and your confrontation likely poked through the paper-thin gift box that hides the empty box inside.  Part of their lack of integrity is to run because they do not have the character to apologize and admit they are not perfect.

Tying grief in—

Trying to talk to these people can be akin the bargaining phase of grief.  Some of us want to take responsibility to do what we can in our relationships.  Since these are family relationships we do tend to take them very personal and take a lot of responsibility, so talking to them about the problems seems to be the right thing to do.

Maybe we realize that there is not going to be a good relationship, and maybe we keep trying.  Maybe we keep hurting because that other person is abusive and controlling and negative and may be spreading unfair and ignorant rumors about us.  Maybe we wanted our kids to have relationships with their grandparents but the grandparents seem to have their heads stuck up their rear-ends as to how neglectful they have been.

A painful flip side of the neglect is that even if we were to have a relationship with these people, it would be on their emotional  terms.   They want control and there is no acceptance.  They would not have anything to say to us unless it was abusive and critical and non-accepting, and so many of us come to the painful conclusion: I want a relationship with you but I don’t want a relationship with you if you are going to be that way.

Trying to figure out what to do?

There are no easy answers when it comes to this situation.  The practical task at hand though seems to be managing our feelings.  We can get involved in other things to get our mind away from the pain.  We can try not to ruminate too much on what is not and what could have been.  We can get ourselves busy—but hopefully not meaninglessly busy in mindless driven behavior which is likely to burn us out.  So, we may have to practice a sense of emotional survival in the face of these situations. 

I hope that these thoughts were helpful to you.  For those of us in these situations, we are not alone.  Feel free to peruse the rest of the blog for other coping ideas.  If you like this post, feel free to re-post on your own social media—pass it on.