We were not listening to the most religious music going to church yesterday, but there could not have a better "teachable moment." My son and daughter were actually listening to the words of Santa Baby as sung by Eartha Kitt. The woman in Santa Baby wants it all and as my daughter astutely noted, she wanted it now! My daughter is a smart girl.
Stuff is supposed to make people good at the holidays. It is either supposed to get us in touch with our inner child or it is touching that someone was thoughtful of us and what we like-- and it shows that they cared.
The holidays also have an emphasis on food. There are many special holiday dishes, snacks, desserts, and drinks. The food is more than just about the taste (especially if the tradition is Lutefisk), it is the tradition.
With grief and loss A 50-cent word that seems appropriate to consider at the holidays is Anhedonia, which is the inability to experience pleasure. Presents and holiday cuisine do not bring pleasure or the Christmas spirit and the song Santa Baby does not fit where you are. Holiday food and drink does not taste great. Parties are just not fun and you may not want to be around people. The following are possible ways people in grief show anhedonia.
If someone is in the shock/denial stage, there is often little to no room to think about presents. The world has just been rocked and the thoughts are just somewhere else.
In the anger stage, there may be a number of different manifestations of this uncomfortable emotion. There may be a preoccupation of guilt with anger towards oneself. There may be anger towards others in your family for their disrespect or apparent thoughtlessness. It may very well be possible that someone is not interested in looking at the Christmas Story and its theology because of anger towards God. There is too much anger to be able enjoy the season and the meaning.
In the bargaining stage it may be possible that people go overboard trying to recreate Christmas in the way it has always been. This is the chase of nostalgia. Some people may just wear themselves out trying to do it all, buying it all and recreating the feeling. Some people may claim that this is really putting off their own grief to be strong for others, and there is no satisfaction.
In the depression phase there is the out and out depression. Nothing is good. Nothing is pleasurable. Things are empty and numb without feeling.
With anhedonia, the Christmas music can seem like irritating noise. No, it's not the happiest time of the year, and you can take your jingle bells and cram them where the sun does not shine. Shut up about what you want Santa baby to bring you. If this is you . . . you hopefully show self-control and keep the words inside your head versus actually saying them and creating collateral damage.
How do we deal with it? Accept It.
Sometimes there is nothing wrong with saying that we are in grief and that we are feeling grief. We have to give ourselves permission to feel grief. Grief is the normal emotional reaction to the loss of something significant.
The feelings are going to come. The feelings are going to go. The feelings come and go when they do.
We don't have permission to say and do anything we want, but it is up to each of us to give ourselves permission to feel. Stuffing feelings is not always an act of showing strength or maturity.
Accepting that we are in grief means telling ourselves that it is okay to feel what we are feeling. We are affirming that it is normal to feel anhedonia in grief and loss and that we are normal people. Yes, we feel Bah-humbug, but that does not make us an Ebenezer Scrooge.
For the record, if you are having thoughts of suicide, you may want to call your local or regional mental health hotline. If you live in the United States there is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
Stuck in Grief?
Being stuck in grief is a little tricky. Opinions vary as to how long grief should last. Some people continue to grieve years past the loss to the cost of normal functioning. There is often a point where the grief is no longer about the actual loss but some secondary gain. If you wonder if you are stuck in grief, it may be in your interest to go visit a therapist or counselor and explore this.
I hope that this has met a need. If you like it and think it would help others, feel free to re-post it and pass it along.
Stuff is supposed to make people good at the holidays. It is either supposed to get us in touch with our inner child or it is touching that someone was thoughtful of us and what we like-- and it shows that they cared.
The holidays also have an emphasis on food. There are many special holiday dishes, snacks, desserts, and drinks. The food is more than just about the taste (especially if the tradition is Lutefisk), it is the tradition.
With grief and loss A 50-cent word that seems appropriate to consider at the holidays is Anhedonia, which is the inability to experience pleasure. Presents and holiday cuisine do not bring pleasure or the Christmas spirit and the song Santa Baby does not fit where you are. Holiday food and drink does not taste great. Parties are just not fun and you may not want to be around people. The following are possible ways people in grief show anhedonia.
If someone is in the shock/denial stage, there is often little to no room to think about presents. The world has just been rocked and the thoughts are just somewhere else.
In the anger stage, there may be a number of different manifestations of this uncomfortable emotion. There may be a preoccupation of guilt with anger towards oneself. There may be anger towards others in your family for their disrespect or apparent thoughtlessness. It may very well be possible that someone is not interested in looking at the Christmas Story and its theology because of anger towards God. There is too much anger to be able enjoy the season and the meaning.
In the bargaining stage it may be possible that people go overboard trying to recreate Christmas in the way it has always been. This is the chase of nostalgia. Some people may just wear themselves out trying to do it all, buying it all and recreating the feeling. Some people may claim that this is really putting off their own grief to be strong for others, and there is no satisfaction.
In the depression phase there is the out and out depression. Nothing is good. Nothing is pleasurable. Things are empty and numb without feeling.
With anhedonia, the Christmas music can seem like irritating noise. No, it's not the happiest time of the year, and you can take your jingle bells and cram them where the sun does not shine. Shut up about what you want Santa baby to bring you. If this is you . . . you hopefully show self-control and keep the words inside your head versus actually saying them and creating collateral damage.
How do we deal with it? Accept It.
Sometimes there is nothing wrong with saying that we are in grief and that we are feeling grief. We have to give ourselves permission to feel grief. Grief is the normal emotional reaction to the loss of something significant.
The feelings are going to come. The feelings are going to go. The feelings come and go when they do.
We don't have permission to say and do anything we want, but it is up to each of us to give ourselves permission to feel. Stuffing feelings is not always an act of showing strength or maturity.
Accepting that we are in grief means telling ourselves that it is okay to feel what we are feeling. We are affirming that it is normal to feel anhedonia in grief and loss and that we are normal people. Yes, we feel Bah-humbug, but that does not make us an Ebenezer Scrooge.
For the record, if you are having thoughts of suicide, you may want to call your local or regional mental health hotline. If you live in the United States there is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
Stuck in Grief?
Being stuck in grief is a little tricky. Opinions vary as to how long grief should last. Some people continue to grieve years past the loss to the cost of normal functioning. There is often a point where the grief is no longer about the actual loss but some secondary gain. If you wonder if you are stuck in grief, it may be in your interest to go visit a therapist or counselor and explore this.
I hope that this has met a need. If you like it and think it would help others, feel free to re-post it and pass it along.
No comments:
Post a Comment