Bargaining that maybe I am thankful on the 4th Thursday of November (Or the 2nd Monday in October).

                I had one of the most interesting conversations in church that had me thinking now that the holidays are coming around again.  We talked about trying to be thankful when you have just not been feeling the holiday due to grief and loss.  

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a holiday where people (primarily families) join together for a meal.  Maybe there is a thankful prayer said or maybe there is not (based on the degree of secularism practiced).  Maybe there is a time where people act as family and relax together and be themselves as blood-relatives.   Or course there could be the noisy rehashing of the unresolved family drama that has gone on for decades.  Maybe you are reminded why you only see your family the few times a year that you do.  Regardless of the joy or dysfunction, it is a holiday that has some kind of tradition . . . some of them are just more enjoyable or miserable than others.

         Based on this blog, it is no mystery that the holidays are jaded by Grief and Loss.  Death, divorce and estrangement transform the meaning and fulfillment of traditions into a trauma memory.  What was once gratifying and warm has become negative and cold.   

            But the holiday does come around again whether it is the second Monday in October in Canada or the fourth Thursday in the United States to remind us that it is a day to be thankful.  The calendar reminds us that the world still turns regardless of the enduring grief that has colored the holidays into bad times.

            Bargaining is typically the third stage in Kubler-Ross’s five-stage model of grief. It is a period where people try to regain control of the situation after a loss.  Maybe there is a chance to reclaim what was lost.  Maybe the relationship can be restored and maybe the dead could be brought back to life because there is some delusional hope that you are just stuck in a long, bad dream.  However, in Kubler-Ross’s framework people usually enter the depression stage when they realize there is no more bargaining and the loss is real and irrevocable.  However, maybe it seems is possible to bargain that there is some reason to move on and find meaning and purpose in a holiday even if the old meaning is gone.

             Part of the bargaining is accepting that the feeling doesn’t have to be spectacular or awe-inspiring.  Thankfulness seems to recognize that there is something that is somehow and in some way good.  

            A stretch of a metaphor or a pun that may be applicable in the case of thanksgiving, is the highly anxious person trying to take a deep breath.   Anxiety and stress makes muscles tense and the first deep breath hurts because the muscles in the torso are often tight to the point of being sore or pulled.  Doing more deep breathing will eventually loosen the muscles and the pain along the sides will go away.   However, to get the process started usually takes the encouragement of a therapist or counselor because an anxious person is of a fixed mindset.

            Consider this your encouragement as negativity is like the aforementioned anxiety and the occupied mind with the negativity of grief and loss seems to have no room for being thankful or joyful.   It takes a bit of bargaining to start practicing thankful thoughts.   Maybe with a little practice, it can become a renewed habit that leads to discovery of new meaning and new fulfillment that makes the fourth Thursday in November or the second Monday in October more pleasant.

           I hope that these thoughts helped you.  Feel free to go through the blog and look at all of the previous posts if you are searching for thoughts on a certain topic or situation. 

Anhedonia. Grief and Loss in the time of Feasting, Snacking, and Partying.

We were not listening to the most religious music going to church yesterday, but there could not have a better "teachable moment."  My son and daughter were actually listening to the words of Santa Baby as sung by Eartha Kitt.  The woman in Santa Baby wants it all and as my daughter astutely noted, she wanted it now!   My daughter is a smart girl.

Stuff is supposed to make people good at the holidays.  It is either supposed to get us in touch with our inner child or it is touching that someone was thoughtful of us and what we like-- and it shows that they cared.

The holidays also have an emphasis on food.  There are many special holiday dishes, snacks, desserts, and drinks.  The food is more than just about the taste (especially if the tradition is Lutefisk), it is the tradition.

With grief and loss A 50-cent word that seems appropriate to consider at the holidays is Anhedonia, which is the inability to experience pleasure.  Presents and holiday cuisine do not bring pleasure or the Christmas spirit and the song Santa Baby does not fit where you are. Holiday food and drink does not taste great.  Parties are just not fun and you may not want to be around people.   The following are possible ways people in grief show anhedonia.

If someone is in the shock/denial stage, there is often little to no room to think about presents.  The world has just been rocked and the thoughts are just somewhere else.

In the anger stage, there may be a number of different manifestations of this uncomfortable emotion. There may be a preoccupation of guilt with anger towards oneself.  There may be anger towards others in your family for their disrespect or apparent thoughtlessness. It may very well be possible that someone is not interested in looking at the Christmas Story and its theology because of anger towards God.  There is too much anger to be able enjoy the season and the meaning.

In the bargaining stage it may be possible that people go overboard trying to recreate Christmas in the way it has always been.  This is the chase of nostalgia. Some people may just wear themselves out trying to do it all, buying it all and recreating the feeling.  Some people may claim that this is really putting off their own grief to be strong for others, and there is no satisfaction.

In the depression phase there is the out and out depression.  Nothing is good. Nothing is pleasurable. Things are empty and numb without feeling.

With anhedonia, the Christmas music can seem like irritating noise. No, it's not the happiest time of the year, and you can take your jingle bells and cram them where the sun does not shine.  Shut up about what you want Santa baby to bring you.  If this is you . . . you hopefully show self-control and keep the words inside your head versus actually saying them and creating collateral damage.

How do we deal with it?  Accept It. 

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with saying that we are in grief and that we are feeling grief.  We have to give ourselves permission to feel grief.   Grief is the normal emotional reaction to the loss of something significant.

The feelings are going to come.  The feelings are going to go.  The feelings come and go when they do.

We don't have permission to say and do anything we want, but it is up to each of us to give ourselves permission to feel.  Stuffing feelings is not always an act of showing strength or maturity.

Accepting that we are in grief means telling ourselves that it is okay to feel what we are feeling. We are affirming that it is normal to feel anhedonia in grief and loss and that we are normal people. Yes, we feel Bah-humbug, but that does not make us an Ebenezer Scrooge.

For the record, if you are having thoughts of suicide, you may want to call your local or regional mental health hotline. If you live in the United States there is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

Stuck in Grief? 

Being stuck in grief is a little tricky.  Opinions vary as to how long grief should last.  Some people continue to grieve years past the loss to the cost of normal functioning.  There is often a point where the grief is no longer about the actual loss but some secondary gain.  If you wonder if you are stuck in grief, it may be in your interest to go visit a therapist or counselor and explore this.

I hope that this has met a need.  If you like it and think it would help others, feel free to re-post it and pass it along.

Holiday Illusions: Things Are Not What They Seem

It does not seem like the holiday season here in Louisville, Kentucky USA.  It was in the 60's (Fareinheit) and it was rainy.  Yes, there are 21 more days until Christmas and it looks like a late February/early March day in terms of weather.  But it is the holiday season, you cannot judge by the way things look outside.

All of the man-made trappings are out.  Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights.  People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing.

The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people.  The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio.  People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes.

I'm dreaming of what?

As I think about illusions at the holiday, Music comes to mind.  One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas  by Irving Berlin.   The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.  

The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish.   He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either.   From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell.   Yes, he made a lot of money off of it. 

Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas.  However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it did not appear to be from his heart.

Music has this surprising power over us to change our emotions.  We get sad with songs and we get happy with sons.