Many people feel depression at the holidays, grief is looked to as one of those causes. Depression at the holidays can be for many reasons that include Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and a spontaneous episode of medical or non-medical reason, but grief is a big culprit.
I think that when it comes to deciding the cause of depression at the holidays, it comes to the decision of the sufferer. Many people who are depressed dwell on and reflect about grief, loss, and regrets, but it does not necessarily mean the grief is the cause. It usually takes a bit of discussion and hearing the story, but getting to the intended topic, this post will talk about the grief stage of depression and how depression is connected with grief.
The Stage of Depression
When it comes to the depression stage of grief, a person realizes that there is no bargaining and that they are stuck--the loss happened and there is no going back. In the death of a loved one, the bargaining usually seems to be short. In terms of a relationship-loss you see that the relationship is done, the marriage is done, the divorce is final. The depressed phase can go on for a long time.
With depression, there is a diminished functioning. The feeling is dark. There is a hole in your life. You do not feel like doing anything and nothing sounds good.
One example of the depressed phase was a couple I knew who lost an adult child in a car accident did not answer the phone for a long time. They just were not up to talking to people.
A second example was a woman who had her mother as her best friend then lost her mother. She not only lost her mother but she lost her friend. She had no one to talk to. She had a need that was not being filled. She was stuck in depression.
Eventually, this stage ends if the person is able to start exploring and find a way to move on, and heal. A person moves to acceptance and finds a way to live again and find a way to meet needs. I plan on talking about moving from depression to acceptance in the next post or two.
Being Stuck in Anger as a Cause of Depression.
One other connection between grief and depression has to do with anger. If you cannot handle the emotion of anger and happen to be either one of those who live in denial, or guilt, you will likely eventually feel depression because you will get worn down.
Over and over again in my career I have met children and adults who have said "if only I had . . .." They have blamed themselves over and over again for a negative outcome such as a death or other loss. They assumed what the truth was . . . and the assumption was merely an assumption where the alternative was never, ever going to be learned; if the alternative did happen, there was no guarantee the loss was going to be prevented. Part of my work as a counselor has been to allow them to tell their story and then look at the truth, and then forgive themselves for being human who can never know everything.
A second scenario that I have heard over and over again is people who just cannot allow themselves to be angry. They are afraid to be angry. The images of abusive family members combined with low self-esteem just make anger to feel like a sin. Maybe they were just too codependent and had no time to get angry because everyone needed them. I essentially have had to encourage this type of person that anger is okay and that they likely needed to take a ride on the wild side and allow the feeling . . . anger will not mean that they will go out and start a world war, nor did it mean all else was going to be put on hold. I am not sure how successful I have been in these cases.
What are we suppose to do with this?
I have concluded that feeling depressed is okay especially when you have identified that you are grieving. Feeling depressed is going to be a part of life and a task was going to be feeling it.
If you are going to be depressed, you had probably be civil to the people who care about you. I think that there is no shame in feeling depressed when the rest of the world wants to deck the halls, rock around the Christmas Tree, and roast chestnuts over an open fire. You are not necessarily being a jerk . . . unless you really are being one.
While there is a general desire to withdraw and stay to yourself, being healthy should be a priority. Taking care of yourself and seeing that you are eating and exercising and trying to keep your mind engaged in something is appropriate. Also, you may have to push yourself to be around people and stay off to the side quietly and let the merry ones be vicariously merry for you when you are depressed.
Suicide is NOT Okay nor a Solution to Problems.
For the record, there are two types of depression: clinical depression and situational depression. I have been discussing more of a situational depression. However, depression can get to be of a clinical nature where a person's functioning level declines that includes
- inability to sleep,
- eat too much or not eat anything,
- concentrate,
- take baths,
- be around people,
- enjoy anything
- and take care of personal affairs.
The depression can include feelings that all is meaningless, and there is nothing to live for. A depressed person may give consideration to the following suicidal thoughts:
- Others would be better off without me.
- I don't want to be here.
- I want to die
- I want to commit suicide.
It becomes a big concern when someone starts to think of a plan as to how they are going to kill themselves. Some people ponder overdose, firearms, car accidents, stepping out in traffic, and jumping. Some people are passively suicidal such as by drinking with their medication and failing to manage a chronic illness such as diabetes or blood pressure. Some people try to be subtle such as by getting into fights and getting a law enforcement officer to fire at them (often called suicide by cop).
Despite the different countries and states that have approved physician-assisted suicide, it is the opinion of this writer that suicide is not okay. Even though we all will die one day, our job is to live, and I hope you are reading this because you want to live and live as well as possible.
If you are entertaining thoughts of wanting to die, I would encourage you to hang on. There is always something to live for and there is always a reason to live. There are people who care and value you.
Even religious people get depression---it is not a spiritual failure. Situational depression can wear down on a person to the point where medication and/or treatment may be needed regardless of faith or fervor.
If you go for treatment to professionals, you are not going to get a shocked look, nor are you going to get shamed. Mental Health professionals see depressed and suicidal people all the time. They (including myself) are interested in being professional and respectful, and in delivering effective services to help people recover.
I would encourage you to talk to your clergy, find a professional or go get an assessment at your nearest psychiatric hospital. If you live in the United States you can call the National Suicide Prevention Help Line at
1-800-273 TALK (8255)
or the SAMHSA Referral line
1-800-662-HELP (4357).
I hope that this helps. Leave a comment if you have questions.
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