Right now in my life, I am dealing with some bizarreness. I cannot go into details about it here, but it is reminding me of past bizarre times at Christmas, and it does make me think about how surreal and weird, our own families can be. Coping with the bizarre can make or break a Christmas.
In my field, when people think of bizarre, they think of a psychotic person either displaying disorganized thinking or verbalizing their delusions. Maybe someone is angry for something that you cannot put your finger on. However, without the clinical psychosis and neurosis, there is enough bizarreness in our families to make us feel uncomfortable and disappointed that Christmas wasn't perfect.
The Frog in the Kettle
As members of our family, we typically either become numb or used to our families. We are like that frog in the kettle.
Frogs can tell the distinct difference between hot and cold temperatures, and so if you throw a frog into hot water, the frog will jump out immediately to escape. But if the temperature is gradually raised from cool to boiling, the frog will be boiled to death because it does not have the ability to distinguish gradual temperature change.
In this case our families get a different look from us because they are our families. We wonder why something is strange and we cannot put our finger on it and we blame ourselves for making our family members mad.
A Personal Experience
We typically see the weirdness or strangeness in other families or new family members. I remember going to Christmas Dinner 17 years ago at the father of my wife's great uncle.
The great uncle was remarried after being widowed. His wife's family sat there playing their hand-held video games and totally ignored us as we sat there waiting for dinner. They just stayed to themselves and made no attempt to introduce themselves or be social. I made one attempt to introduce myself and it was like talking to a wall as they said NOTHING.
I and my wife's side of the "family" ate in one room and the other side of the family ate in the other room. While there was a "honey baked ham" and some other fine food, it was kind of like eating gravel because there was no sense of love and belonging. I do not remember us staying long because there was just nothing in common to talk about.
I made a comment to my wife about it later. My memory is that my wife just said "well, that's just her family." In all honesty, it was weird, and I have no grief over having not seeing them again.
Circling Back to Your Own Family
If you have not seen your own family for a number of years and you are getting back together with them, there is a tendency for feeling awkward and bizarre. If you are the frog, then you are jumping into a boiling hot kettle and you can discern the difference immediately.
Depending on how much bad blood and unresolved conflict there is in the family history, there will be guardedness and cautiousness. They just don't know you anymore.
Combine this estrangement with realizing you have self-absorbed people in your family, and you will see that a lot of their behavior will be all about them and their insecurities. They may make accusations that seem to come out of left field. They might accuse you of thinking thoughts that you haven't thought, and then judge you for those alledged thoughts. They will then throw a childish tantrum and then storm out of the room . . . whether or not they have had too much Gin or Whiskey.
Some of the family member tantrums may be rooted in some event or problem that happened decades before, such as how someone behaved at a wedding or funeral. It can be stupifying why they are dragging something up from that long ago.
Coping with it all
Coping with the weirdness of your family or maybe your new in-laws is not exactly a simple task. It is a vague task. It means you have managed your feelings and perhaps have a good sense of humor about the experience.
Our families can be weird
If you are returning to see your family after a long time, it will probably serve well to accept that in the least Christmas will not be perfect. Our family members will be who they are with their quirks and stupidity.
There are family members who get drunk and do stupid things. Alcohol has this way of peeling away judgment as simply as peeling away a banana skin.
Furthermore, there is a good chance your weird family members will not care what you think after being away for so long. You are like the prophet returning to the hometown and you will not have the credibility you think you should have (trust me on this one).
Hopefully most of your family members will be well-mannered and civilized but there may be a few who live for the drama and love for things to be stirred up and shaken up. This is surprisingly normal behavior for families.
You don't have to be right
I have finally understood the significance of Leo Buscaglia 's use of the term "You may be right." Too many of our family members (including us) have the need to prove ourselves and will not admit that they are wrong. They will argue their point to the death and will drag up the shameful past to punish you for challenging them and their point of view. The more insecure the person . . . the more vicious they are, and the more disruptive they are.
There are some people in this world who would rather be right than be with family. They have strong control needs and will actually run from family because they cannot control. They will do some weird things in their need for control because it is all about them.
If you have one of them in your family . . . or several of them in your family, a good deflecting move is to frequently and politely say, "You may be right." Many times they only hear "you" and "right." In reality you are not conceding anything because you only said they maybe right. There is no guarantee that this will work, but it can buy some time.
Have a sense of humor
It seems to me that some of the situational comedies also called sitcoms have some of the most dysfunctional families. The characters get into each other's business and they do some of the stupidest things. The difference between us and them is they are in front of a studio audience or have a laugh-trac imposed over them. Some of our families are like American Dad, Family Guy, Al and Peg Bundy, or The Nanny, or even more like Bob Hartley Ph.D's patients on The Bob Newhart Show. Laughter can soothe some of the tragic pain.
Keep it clear that you are only responsibility for your feelings and your behavior.
This last skill is a philosophy or belief: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. It is a total cop out to say to someone "You make me mad." The person who blames others for their feelings is shirking all responsibility. Chances are, they will be too "pig-headed" to hear from you that you are not responsible for their feelings.
Beware, if you are holding to this belief, you will have to be responsible for how you react when the relative brings up something from June, 1987 that is totally ridiculous and insane. I recommend in these cases having a rule of waiting three (3) to five (5) seconds before responding each time you talk. Anger has this way of making us impulsive and we need to be thinking before we speak.
Closing Comments.
Well, I hope that your Christmas will not be bizarre, but if it is,it will not last forever. If you want to read more about this, I have written on family dysfunction in earlier blog posts. If you have the time and want to read even more, I suggest reading Kaplan's When Holidays are Hell. You can likely purchase a copy online at Amazon.Com or other online booksellers, or check your own public library for a copy.
In my field, when people think of bizarre, they think of a psychotic person either displaying disorganized thinking or verbalizing their delusions. Maybe someone is angry for something that you cannot put your finger on. However, without the clinical psychosis and neurosis, there is enough bizarreness in our families to make us feel uncomfortable and disappointed that Christmas wasn't perfect.
The Frog in the Kettle
As members of our family, we typically either become numb or used to our families. We are like that frog in the kettle.
Frogs can tell the distinct difference between hot and cold temperatures, and so if you throw a frog into hot water, the frog will jump out immediately to escape. But if the temperature is gradually raised from cool to boiling, the frog will be boiled to death because it does not have the ability to distinguish gradual temperature change.
In this case our families get a different look from us because they are our families. We wonder why something is strange and we cannot put our finger on it and we blame ourselves for making our family members mad.
A Personal Experience
We typically see the weirdness or strangeness in other families or new family members. I remember going to Christmas Dinner 17 years ago at the father of my wife's great uncle.
The great uncle was remarried after being widowed. His wife's family sat there playing their hand-held video games and totally ignored us as we sat there waiting for dinner. They just stayed to themselves and made no attempt to introduce themselves or be social. I made one attempt to introduce myself and it was like talking to a wall as they said NOTHING.
I and my wife's side of the "family" ate in one room and the other side of the family ate in the other room. While there was a "honey baked ham" and some other fine food, it was kind of like eating gravel because there was no sense of love and belonging. I do not remember us staying long because there was just nothing in common to talk about.
I made a comment to my wife about it later. My memory is that my wife just said "well, that's just her family." In all honesty, it was weird, and I have no grief over having not seeing them again.
Circling Back to Your Own Family
If you have not seen your own family for a number of years and you are getting back together with them, there is a tendency for feeling awkward and bizarre. If you are the frog, then you are jumping into a boiling hot kettle and you can discern the difference immediately.
Depending on how much bad blood and unresolved conflict there is in the family history, there will be guardedness and cautiousness. They just don't know you anymore.
Combine this estrangement with realizing you have self-absorbed people in your family, and you will see that a lot of their behavior will be all about them and their insecurities. They may make accusations that seem to come out of left field. They might accuse you of thinking thoughts that you haven't thought, and then judge you for those alledged thoughts. They will then throw a childish tantrum and then storm out of the room . . . whether or not they have had too much Gin or Whiskey.
Some of the family member tantrums may be rooted in some event or problem that happened decades before, such as how someone behaved at a wedding or funeral. It can be stupifying why they are dragging something up from that long ago.
Coping with it all
Coping with the weirdness of your family or maybe your new in-laws is not exactly a simple task. It is a vague task. It means you have managed your feelings and perhaps have a good sense of humor about the experience.
Our families can be weird
If you are returning to see your family after a long time, it will probably serve well to accept that in the least Christmas will not be perfect. Our family members will be who they are with their quirks and stupidity.
There are family members who get drunk and do stupid things. Alcohol has this way of peeling away judgment as simply as peeling away a banana skin.
Furthermore, there is a good chance your weird family members will not care what you think after being away for so long. You are like the prophet returning to the hometown and you will not have the credibility you think you should have (trust me on this one).
Hopefully most of your family members will be well-mannered and civilized but there may be a few who live for the drama and love for things to be stirred up and shaken up. This is surprisingly normal behavior for families.
You don't have to be right
I have finally understood the significance of Leo Buscaglia 's use of the term "You may be right." Too many of our family members (including us) have the need to prove ourselves and will not admit that they are wrong. They will argue their point to the death and will drag up the shameful past to punish you for challenging them and their point of view. The more insecure the person . . . the more vicious they are, and the more disruptive they are.
There are some people in this world who would rather be right than be with family. They have strong control needs and will actually run from family because they cannot control. They will do some weird things in their need for control because it is all about them.
If you have one of them in your family . . . or several of them in your family, a good deflecting move is to frequently and politely say, "You may be right." Many times they only hear "you" and "right." In reality you are not conceding anything because you only said they maybe right. There is no guarantee that this will work, but it can buy some time.
Have a sense of humor
It seems to me that some of the situational comedies also called sitcoms have some of the most dysfunctional families. The characters get into each other's business and they do some of the stupidest things. The difference between us and them is they are in front of a studio audience or have a laugh-trac imposed over them. Some of our families are like American Dad, Family Guy, Al and Peg Bundy, or The Nanny, or even more like Bob Hartley Ph.D's patients on The Bob Newhart Show. Laughter can soothe some of the tragic pain.
Keep it clear that you are only responsibility for your feelings and your behavior.
This last skill is a philosophy or belief: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. It is a total cop out to say to someone "You make me mad." The person who blames others for their feelings is shirking all responsibility. Chances are, they will be too "pig-headed" to hear from you that you are not responsible for their feelings.
Beware, if you are holding to this belief, you will have to be responsible for how you react when the relative brings up something from June, 1987 that is totally ridiculous and insane. I recommend in these cases having a rule of waiting three (3) to five (5) seconds before responding each time you talk. Anger has this way of making us impulsive and we need to be thinking before we speak.
Closing Comments.
Well, I hope that your Christmas will not be bizarre, but if it is,it will not last forever. If you want to read more about this, I have written on family dysfunction in earlier blog posts. If you have the time and want to read even more, I suggest reading Kaplan's When Holidays are Hell. You can likely purchase a copy online at Amazon.Com or other online booksellers, or check your own public library for a copy.
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