Typical Bargaining
When we are bargaining we are trying to find a way
- to regain what once was
- or to regain control.
From my experience we don't bargain so much when there has been a death, but people tend to bargain when there has been a break-up or divorce.
The bargaining can be quite complex. At its simplest, two people such as a couple who has broken up bargain between each other over the long term whether reunification is possible. An example of a more complex situation is a kid bargaining between his or her parents and attempt to reunify his or her parents by acting out or trying to arrange for family gatherings.
The bargaining usually ends in depression when the bargainer realizes that the bargaining is done and the toothpaste cannot be put back into the tube. It is hard to stop bargaining because of the loss of investment. There is a piece of you and me in the loss that cannot be recovered and thus bargaining can surprisingly last a long time.
It has been my experience that people are not necessarily aware that they are bargaining. On numerous occasions I have heard clients tell their story and it is evident that they are invested in bargaining . . . and have been for a long time. They present the situation of being stuck in conflict with the estranged or ex-spouse/partner/significant other. The standard line is to suggest that they are bargaining and they stop engaging in that bargaining behavior. The result is not necessarily going to provide liberating relief, but it likely exchanges one toxic pain for pain that is antiseptic and cleansing
What it might mean for the Holidays
I think that bargaining at the holiday may include trying to get the family to engage in old traditions that had involved deceased loved ones or estranged family members. This kind of bargaining may mean trying to regain the nostalgic good feelings and sense of belonging that old traditions brought. If mom had been responsible for Christmas and she is now gone, you may find yourself trying to bargain with other family members about how to celebrate Christmas. You may find yourself talking to the wall when it comes to your other surviving family members because they are just not ready to have Christmas.
If this is your case, you may find that you will have to create your own Christmas in a non-traditional way. You may find yourself engaging in different activities to celebrate and keep Christmas. I would say that despite the awkwardness, experiencing Christmas in different ways can provide some sense of fulfillment and meaning despite losing the former sense of belonging that was had with family.
Closing Thoughts
This has been a brief discussion of bargaining as a stage of grief. It is a difficult step and it usually results in only more pain. Ending the bargaining does not guarantee that you will feel better, but hopefully less pain. Stay tuned.
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