Grief at the holidays is not just feeling depressed and sad. I would say that it is a complicated matter that detracts from what is supposed to be a joyful holiday.
There are different views of grief, and over the next few posts, I will discuss my variation of my favorite view, which is the five stage model of the late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. This view has five stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So from the beginning, I will discuss shock.
You and I tend to live our lives with the expectation and assumption that things will go on and on without change. On the one hand it seems fool-hardy, but this particular expectation and assumption allows us to use our energy for taking care of our needs and ambitions. If we spent all of our time and brain power on the "what if's" we will be unproductive and anxious.
Prepatory Grief
However, there are times where we will engage in preparatory grief where we will do that "what if" thing. We will consider how we will handle a particular loss should it occur. With those thoughts we will get the resultant feelings of stress, despair and sadness. We will eventually come to the present and realize it was just a bad day dream and move on. Sometimes this does prepare us for the sober reality something is going to happen and helps us make sound plans.
Real-Time Grief and Shock
However, when the real loss comes we will go into shock. This is the jolt that our life is disrupted. The destructive power of the jolt varies based on what exactly happened and its significance to you. Our general response is "I can't believe that this is happening."
When it comes to dealing with the shock, I have seen people look like zombies and I have seen people act like the tough athlete who can "walk it off." It all depends on whether you were the one to discover a gory site of a relative having committed suicide with a firearm to the grandmother dying at age 101 due to a long illness, or be told unexpectedly that your employment is being terminated, and the list could go on and on.
To achieve an appreciation of what it means to feel shock and denial, I would direct you back to where you were on September 11, 2001. Within about two hours hijackers seeking martyrdom in the name of jihad crashed four large airline jets into two of the tallest buildings in the world, the magnificent Pentagon, and into the Pennsylvania countryside. As a nation we were in shock and suspense as the security blankets that were the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans stopped being blankets and our lives as a country were irreparably changed.
When we go into shock, our minds and bodies get tense. Our chemicals tend to get off kilter. The world around us can feel surreal and hazy. We lose our appetite. We either cannot sleep or we go to sleep to block out the world. Our minds can become overwhelmed and we can lose the ability to think rationally about detailed and complex tasks. If the shock is severe enough, we stop being able to respond to the flow of life events or maybe not respond rationally, or even do erratic things.
The Response of Denial
Denial is usually considered to be a stupid and childish emotion, but in the context of grief it is common and normal. Denial in grief comes in subtle and unrealized ways. These subtle ways include you
I have had numerous people ask: is there something wrong with me because I have done this. I have felt privileged to tell them that they are just having normal grief.
Rerun, Repeat, Rerun.
Denial does not necessarily only happen one time. It can again slide in later in a subtle ways. It will be up to you whether you will allow yourself to be human and not call yourself names or emotionally beat yourself up.
Stuck in Denial
However, if you are stuck in denial and shock, then there is a problem. I have only seen two people in my career who seemed to be stuck in denial. One was a drug addict and the other had some personality issues. The common theme that I saw was the person had put their whole life on hold and was unable to function in society and was reclusive and dependent on others. Being stuck in denial usually requires the help of a professional, but the two people were not exactly good candidates for therapeutic change.
In Closing . . .
As I expect to repeat through this blog, grief hurts. In the stage of denial, we can look and feel absent minded. I think allowing ourselves to be human means granting ourselves permission to look goofy in the name of grief.
A survivor does not allow him or herself to be a human being and feel goofy and silly, but in the name of being healthy there is really nothing to lose in looking at this through the eyes of other people. They look goofy and absent minded when they are having grief, and you will too, and usually the only score card is the one you are keeping--the vast majority people in this world are not going to judge you. (Dealing with the few who are is going to be the subject of another post).
There are different views of grief, and over the next few posts, I will discuss my variation of my favorite view, which is the five stage model of the late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. This view has five stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So from the beginning, I will discuss shock.
You and I tend to live our lives with the expectation and assumption that things will go on and on without change. On the one hand it seems fool-hardy, but this particular expectation and assumption allows us to use our energy for taking care of our needs and ambitions. If we spent all of our time and brain power on the "what if's" we will be unproductive and anxious.
Prepatory Grief
However, there are times where we will engage in preparatory grief where we will do that "what if" thing. We will consider how we will handle a particular loss should it occur. With those thoughts we will get the resultant feelings of stress, despair and sadness. We will eventually come to the present and realize it was just a bad day dream and move on. Sometimes this does prepare us for the sober reality something is going to happen and helps us make sound plans.
Real-Time Grief and Shock
However, when the real loss comes we will go into shock. This is the jolt that our life is disrupted. The destructive power of the jolt varies based on what exactly happened and its significance to you. Our general response is "I can't believe that this is happening."
When it comes to dealing with the shock, I have seen people look like zombies and I have seen people act like the tough athlete who can "walk it off." It all depends on whether you were the one to discover a gory site of a relative having committed suicide with a firearm to the grandmother dying at age 101 due to a long illness, or be told unexpectedly that your employment is being terminated, and the list could go on and on.
To achieve an appreciation of what it means to feel shock and denial, I would direct you back to where you were on September 11, 2001. Within about two hours hijackers seeking martyrdom in the name of jihad crashed four large airline jets into two of the tallest buildings in the world, the magnificent Pentagon, and into the Pennsylvania countryside. As a nation we were in shock and suspense as the security blankets that were the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans stopped being blankets and our lives as a country were irreparably changed.
When we go into shock, our minds and bodies get tense. Our chemicals tend to get off kilter. The world around us can feel surreal and hazy. We lose our appetite. We either cannot sleep or we go to sleep to block out the world. Our minds can become overwhelmed and we can lose the ability to think rationally about detailed and complex tasks. If the shock is severe enough, we stop being able to respond to the flow of life events or maybe not respond rationally, or even do erratic things.
The Response of Denial
Denial is usually considered to be a stupid and childish emotion, but in the context of grief it is common and normal. Denial in grief comes in subtle and unrealized ways. These subtle ways include you
- expecting your deceased loved one to walk through the door,
- buying a Christmas gift for your deceased loved, and
- calling a deceased loved one's phone number.
I have had numerous people ask: is there something wrong with me because I have done this. I have felt privileged to tell them that they are just having normal grief.
Rerun, Repeat, Rerun.
Denial does not necessarily only happen one time. It can again slide in later in a subtle ways. It will be up to you whether you will allow yourself to be human and not call yourself names or emotionally beat yourself up.
Stuck in Denial
However, if you are stuck in denial and shock, then there is a problem. I have only seen two people in my career who seemed to be stuck in denial. One was a drug addict and the other had some personality issues. The common theme that I saw was the person had put their whole life on hold and was unable to function in society and was reclusive and dependent on others. Being stuck in denial usually requires the help of a professional, but the two people were not exactly good candidates for therapeutic change.
In Closing . . .
As I expect to repeat through this blog, grief hurts. In the stage of denial, we can look and feel absent minded. I think allowing ourselves to be human means granting ourselves permission to look goofy in the name of grief.
A survivor does not allow him or herself to be a human being and feel goofy and silly, but in the name of being healthy there is really nothing to lose in looking at this through the eyes of other people. They look goofy and absent minded when they are having grief, and you will too, and usually the only score card is the one you are keeping--the vast majority people in this world are not going to judge you. (Dealing with the few who are is going to be the subject of another post).
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