Stop Rehearsing Your Come-Backs.

I have both read and heard many people talk about their stress at Christmas regarding being around certain family members who are judgmental, critical, and verbally abusive.   These family members are also nosy and intrusive and trying to get into your personal issues that are none of their business.

It is usually just stressful to be around these family members because of what they have said in the past.   People make themselves even more stressed by rehearsing their come-backs or retorts to these relatives.

Anger has a funny way of motivating to rehearse our lines.

We remember what those abusive relatives said.  We remember the pain and anger that we have continued to feel. We then remember what we said . . . or didn’t say, and we feel the feelings that come with our memories of our failure, which are guilt and anger.

We may also remember the placating and patronizing comments of other loved ones:

• You know how they are . . . oh, just let it roll off your back.
• But they do love you and want the best for you.

Those comments did nothing and still do nothing to make us feel any better.

As the anger mounts, we feel our adrenalin and then resolve not to let this happen again. How dare they get into our personal business and make comments they had no business making! We think  that we have to take things into our own hands because the other family members are not going to come to our assistance.

Then we brainstorm a list of witty or creative comments we could say or might say. We evaluate the different possibilities. We look at the more profane or blue options. We will then think about what the others might say, stick their noses in it, and how they will shame us for what we will have just said.

After we make our lists, we then practice our delivery. We’re not satisfied.  We want the perfect comment that is going to make that abusive and idiotic family member shut up, apologize for all of their previous sins and grovel in repentance. The perfect line never seems to come.

We practice some more. We get frustrated because it does not come out perfectly.

The snowball effect.

Because we are angry some other past hurt comes to the front of our mind from our memory bank. We think about another list of options and rehearse even more.

The anger begins to affect us physically. We get tense. We start to get a little nauseous. We might begin to get the beginning tinges of a tension headache.

At this point we may begin to feel a little overwhelmed because it seems to be rather hopeless. WE FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND WE ARE GOING TO LOOK STUPID AND WE CANNOT STOP IT!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admitting reality and practicing true self-control

I have decided that sometimes surrender is freedom. This is one of those times.

There is a 99.9 percent chance that the abusive, nosy, controlling and meddling people who we are getting all worked up about won't listen.  They will also not admit that they are wrong for what they said.  They are stupid, stubborn and pig-headed. (Maybe we are too.)  No matter how perfect your come-back is going to be, it will fall on deaf ears.

So, many of us are getting all angry, anxious, and tense, wasting our energy on trying to create comments that are not going to do us any good.   We are putting ourselves in an impossible position.

I think in this case surrendering means accepting the a no-win situation.  This rehearsal is actually competing for something that is proving to be futile and worthless--the respect of someone who has no clue on how to give it.    Yep, this particular family member we are rehearsing to shout down isn't bright enough to realize human manners and grace.  We are competing to look stupid if we continue the rehearsal of the come-backs.

This surrender is only within ourselves.  This is self-control and not control of others.  We are not telling anyone that we are surrendering. 

Our hands are not tied

As part of this surrender we are also doing something different.  We just cannot go on rehearsing for something that will either not happen or will not work.  We are making this holiday season a miserable time.  What can we do?  

It is about thinking different thoughts and beliefs, and maybe open ourselves up to a different philosophy.  There is little space and time to give solutions, but here are my "affirmations" that I call therapist tested and approved. I like thinking these and memorizing these . . .

1. ) I trust my brain to come up with answers when the time comes.

2. ) I will take my time in giving answers.

3. ) What do I really have to prove to these people?

4. ) I really do not have to prove anything to these people.

5. ) I have the right not to defend myself.

6. ) Nothing is perfect.

Here is how a person can put this together . . .

I believe that you and I can think of responses when the time comes.  The family gathering is not a show that is going to be on live TV and is not a TV show.  If you are reading this, I hold that your brain works just fine and you can use it to figure out an answer at that time.

If you are challenged, you can take your time and give an answer if you choose to.  Many people feel pressured that they must blurt out an answer.  I recommend that you take control when you take your time to answer.  Maybe you and I have to take 10-15 seconds to answer, but that is perfectly okay.

Furthermore, we are not in competition with these abusive family members.  When we get in competition, we get in a tug of war where there is perceived need to win.  If we don't grab the rope, they will fall on their back-sides and look all the more silly.

Many people may demand an answer about something that you and I am not obligated to answer.  If we slow down, we can determine whether or not we really owe them an answer?  I fully believe that if one of these abusive relatives gets in our face and says:

Tell me.  Why did you do that?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

We can tell them, "I do not feel like I owe you an answer.  Especially if you ask like that."

Lastly, the family holiday is not going to be perfect.  No matter what happens, it is not going to be perfect.  Perfectionism is a pretty stressful place to be because you are never happy with it if you even find it.  Your family holiday and my family holiday is not going to be perfect.  If there is more good than bad to it, then we will be okay.

How you do it is up to you. 

I have hopefully given you some concrete ways of reducing how much you are torturing yourself trying to come up with the perfect come-backs, retorts, or answers when those particular nosy and abusive relatives make comments that are antagonizing, insulting or hurtful.  They are still going to be that way regardless of how you are.    

So, consider stop rehearsing your come-backs.  You will feel less stressed.