Part of the tension at the holidays is the walking on eggshells. It is a miserable practice drains a person of energy and joy. Many people are emotional slaves in that feel that they must do it but would like to stop it. If this fits you, I am going to discuss some ideas you can try.
I think that many people use the term, but do not know what it is. Understanding it is part of defining the problem so you can begin to solve it. In this case solving the problem is stopping walking on eggshells.
What is it?
In my opinion “walking on eggshells” is a metaphor or word picture for someone doing the following:
- Feeling responsible for some one’s anger or emotional outburst
- Being on guard with the intent of not triggering that person or persons
- Maintaining a defensive position just in case the person or persons do have an outburst.
- Being a blamer enforcer when someone else appears to trigger the one who had the outburst.
The word-picture suggests that this is an impossible task. Eggshells break and pulverize with little weight upon them. People waste such energy in something they are not going to be successful at doing in the first place.
Furthermore, people who walk of eggshells tend to have lower self-esteem and only worsen their self-esteem because they feel guilty because they fail to meet their expectations. The angry family member only gets angry—that is what he or she does.
Stopping it.
If we are going to stop walking on eggshells, we are not only to have to change what we do and believe with regard to the angry person, but we may have to deal with a few other people who are also walking on egg shells. I think that stopping may need to take in consideration where the family power lies.
Stopping over-responsibility
Responsibility is a belief. It is not bad in and of its own right as we should be responsible for our behavior and our words, but there is a limit as to what we can be responsible. You and I are responsible for our own words and we can be respectful and mannerly but that is about it. As I have stated else where everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
People who walk on eggshells believe that they are responsible for the feelings of others and cause other people to be mad. How does this happen? It started in childhood when your parents and other significant family members played the victim and blamed you and each other for their feelings. It continues into adulthood and can continue throughout a person’s life.
I think that change starts with putting faith in the principle that
Everyone is responsible for their own feelings
Yes, if Uncle Bobby gets angry and throws a tantrum or fit, it is his issue. If he blames other people, he is shirking his own responsibility. If Uncle Bobby were arrested by the police and taken the court for disturbing the peace, blaming someone else for his anger is not going to be a defense in court—he will most likely be found guilty if he does not plead guilty.
Now, people may be careful of Uncle Bobby because he may also be the richest member of the family, but again his getting mad is his problem. If you hold the belief in your heart that you are not responsible for Uncle Bobby’s feelings, you will lessen your stress.
What are you really on guard for?
Besides lessening your sense of responsibility, letting down your guard is another step towards stopping the eggshell walking. Guardedness in this case is an effort to avoid getting hurt and to avoid feeling guilty. I think that if you are not feeling responsible, then you will not feel guilty.
In the case of walking on eggshells, most people feel guilt for things that are not illegal or immoral. I consider this to be irrational guilt and irrational responsibility--you are taking responsibility for something that is not yours to own.
Furthermore, I think that people misinterpret the angry outbursts of the loose cannons or chronically angry in our families as being angry for valid and righteous reasons. The reality is that adults that have chronic anger problems are really
Immature.
Yes, even the senior citizen member of your family may be immature. Growing old does not mean that a person emotionally matures.
Dropping the need for a defensive position.
I suggest that we can let the guard down and drop the need for a defensive position by looking at the immature and angry adults in the family as children in adult bodies. Start by imagining the same words and angry tantrums in small children.
- How do you feel when you see the child act out? Does it affect you the same way?
- How would you act towards a small child who throws a tantrum?
Sometimes when you look at someone in a different light, the revelation is remarkable. (The problem here may be if you have had a habit of giving in to small children when they throw a tantrum, but that can be another post or maybe another blog.) Anyway, when you are not in a defensive position, you have nothing to prove and nothing to feel guilty about. You can look at Uncle Bobby as someone who has a need to get themselves in control of themselves and not someone who needs pacifying.
Dealing with the blaming family members.
There is often a secondary problem when stopping walking on eggshells. Other family members are likely still walking on them. If Uncle Bobby blows up at you, other family members may come up and ask in an angry tone of voice
What did you do to make him (or her) angry??????????????
They are blaming and shaming and are likely trying to talk down to you as if you are a little child. In a sense, they are taking more responsibility than they should for Uncle Bobby's anger problem too. They are likely shaken and anxious and tense and maybe angry that Uncle Bobby is angry. Dealing with these people who come behind you and blame you is a little more complicated.
Under the assumption that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, my choice responses include the following.
- Does anyone really have to do anything to get __________ angry?
- Nothing.
- What do you think I did?
- I am not responsible for their feelings.
- Whatever their problem is . . . they'll calm down.
What you do next is another difficult situation to figure out. But most likely people will back away and maybe take a time out.
Closing comments
There was no room to talk about what to say directly to an angry person, and if there is a request to discuss this in the comment section, I will be happy to discuss this. I do think that when we stop walking on eggshells, we will have less stress and we improve our self-esteem that we are not enslaved to walking on eggshells.
This is an act where you fake it until you make it. When you do this for the first time, it can be a little scary. It is a bit of a scientific experiment. I offer you this, it usually works pretty good for most people.
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