Control is a holiday survival issue. I do not think I am going to do justice to this topic, but I hopefully have useful ideas or at least some entertaining thoughts.
People who are trying to survive or who have identified themselves as survivors usually have control issues. What this means is that they have to be in control or be in charge or be in power. We often refer to these people as "control freaks."
Controlling behavior overall is motivated by some kind of anxiety. The suppliers of the anxiety include past trauma and irrational and caretaking beliefs.
In the context of one person
When a person tends to be a control freak or a controlling person, they tend to engage in subtle and not-so subtle battles for power. It has to be their way . . . period. It is typically an all-or-nothing deal with all or nothing thinking.
Controlling people tend to be passive-aggressive and abusive. They play games with other people who are perceived challengers to their control. The people they draw to themselves are dependent and have a need to be controlled or taken care of.
Control freaks typically develop tiny kingdoms of the few followers who will follow them. This means that control freaks have few friends and have burned many bridges and made many enemies along the way. Besides being dependent, the followers usually have some sense of obligation that keeps them stuck in emotional or financial slavery to the control freak.
I recall one co-worker demonstrating controlling behaviors in the office. She was a receptionist, but she did not want anyone hanging around her. She was the one who always brought the cake for office birthdays and personally financed the candy dish. I recall in my supervisory position wanting to monitor the operations at the front desk given some repeated problems, and within about three minutes she went from gentle prompting to leave her space, to anger and then almost braking down with a disclosure of some inappropriate personal information.
Now, I think that the inappropriate personal information was an attempt to put herself in the victim role and that I was being portrayed as a perpetrator of sorts for persisting in my staying there to observe. It was bizarre, but she had to have control and she threw at me a number of emotional weapons including some drama.
I have concluded that control freaks do indeed control for a reason. They are fragile and they are scared and they are hiding behind being controlling.
Control freaks are never happy. The need to control is insatiable--either until the day they die or the day dementia becomes severe enough, they will attempt to control others by any means possible.
In the context of the family
In the context of the family, people who play control games are identified as the ones who exasperate the other family members. In-laws (those connected by marriage) especially tend to exasperate or get exasperated. The individual need to control is stronger than the collective need to get along and foster acceptance.
Personally, it has been nauseating to see adults play games. I have also found it to be disingenuous and hypocritical (especially in one family member who has spoken at Christian retreats). I confess that as a human being I wanted to have control because I did not want any more abuse from certain family members, and I wanted to avoid certain family members disrupting things like my wedding.
As a professional hearing patients/clients tell me their story, I have came to the conclusion that the vast majority of families have control games. Some are worse than others.
In the context of the family, drama also seems to fuel control games. Passive-aggressive message-couriers drive splits between other family members by reporting:
In reality the truth is out there, somewhere as to who is really mad and not mad, but the splitter has a sense of control because they are conquering by dividing, and everyone else stays away from each other out of a perception of the need to protect themselves. Everyone feels like they get something bad out of the deal--but they get something.
If there is a divorce and a particular toxic ex-spouse with a borderline personality, then hang-on Arizona. I have been aware of several friends and acquaintances who had ex-spouses with borderline personality disorder and they have had year after year of misery dealing with the emotional terrorism and control games. The emotional terrorism extended to extended family in these cases.
Control Issues in the Family at the Holidays
The family is not going to stop playing these control games at the holidays. No matter if there is a call for peace on earth and good will towards men, it is not going to happen.
Many families have a general understanding and tend to go along with the power. The holiday celebration will happen at a particular person's house and be according to certain unwritten rules. The matriarch or patriarch runs the show and people will bow down to that person's authority--end of story.
Many otherwise-strained families are able to put on happy faces for four to eight hours before either the wine, vodka, or rum-laced egg nog has kicked in or the the nice conversation has stopped. When the guard has been let down, the control games start again.
Many chaotic families with numerous family members fighting for control stay away from each other. They moved away from each other or do not get together for good reason--they all have to be in control and have lots of past grudges and pain. Maybe they will send presents and maybe they will call on the phone at Christmas--but that is it as the powerful need to control keeps them apart.
The reality of control over others: you can never really have it
Control over other people is an illusion. I have talked to many people that put so much energy into it, and they never get it. They cannot have meaningful, secure relationships, and they are never happy. The pursuit of control over others will drain you dry and ruin you.
I think part of making for a better and happier life is surrendering to the reality that you cannot have control over anyone but yourself. I think that it can make for a happier holiday season too.
The ceasing of trying to control others allows you to stop wasting your energy and resources. It also allows you to be able to rest and be at peace, have less anxiety.
Giving up the pursuit of trying to control others does not mean that you are becoming a push-over or weak. However, what you do with that extra energy and that increased sense of peace is up to you.
When some people begin to work on giving up the perceived need to control it can be scary. There is another anxiety that comes along and asks if you are being stupid or foolish? It is a question that you will have to determine. As for me--I asked myself: what do I really have to lose? Trying to control wasn't doing me any good in the first place.
Tomorrow, I will talk how many people start to get tense about holiday gatherings--it is related to control.
People who are trying to survive or who have identified themselves as survivors usually have control issues. What this means is that they have to be in control or be in charge or be in power. We often refer to these people as "control freaks."
Controlling behavior overall is motivated by some kind of anxiety. The suppliers of the anxiety include past trauma and irrational and caretaking beliefs.
In the context of one person
When a person tends to be a control freak or a controlling person, they tend to engage in subtle and not-so subtle battles for power. It has to be their way . . . period. It is typically an all-or-nothing deal with all or nothing thinking.
Controlling people tend to be passive-aggressive and abusive. They play games with other people who are perceived challengers to their control. The people they draw to themselves are dependent and have a need to be controlled or taken care of.
Control freaks typically develop tiny kingdoms of the few followers who will follow them. This means that control freaks have few friends and have burned many bridges and made many enemies along the way. Besides being dependent, the followers usually have some sense of obligation that keeps them stuck in emotional or financial slavery to the control freak.
I recall one co-worker demonstrating controlling behaviors in the office. She was a receptionist, but she did not want anyone hanging around her. She was the one who always brought the cake for office birthdays and personally financed the candy dish. I recall in my supervisory position wanting to monitor the operations at the front desk given some repeated problems, and within about three minutes she went from gentle prompting to leave her space, to anger and then almost braking down with a disclosure of some inappropriate personal information.
Now, I think that the inappropriate personal information was an attempt to put herself in the victim role and that I was being portrayed as a perpetrator of sorts for persisting in my staying there to observe. It was bizarre, but she had to have control and she threw at me a number of emotional weapons including some drama.
I have concluded that control freaks do indeed control for a reason. They are fragile and they are scared and they are hiding behind being controlling.
Control freaks are never happy. The need to control is insatiable--either until the day they die or the day dementia becomes severe enough, they will attempt to control others by any means possible.
In the context of the family
In the context of the family, people who play control games are identified as the ones who exasperate the other family members. In-laws (those connected by marriage) especially tend to exasperate or get exasperated. The individual need to control is stronger than the collective need to get along and foster acceptance.
Personally, it has been nauseating to see adults play games. I have also found it to be disingenuous and hypocritical (especially in one family member who has spoken at Christian retreats). I confess that as a human being I wanted to have control because I did not want any more abuse from certain family members, and I wanted to avoid certain family members disrupting things like my wedding.
As a professional hearing patients/clients tell me their story, I have came to the conclusion that the vast majority of families have control games. Some are worse than others.
In the context of the family, drama also seems to fuel control games. Passive-aggressive message-couriers drive splits between other family members by reporting:
they hate you,
or
they are mad at you.
In reality the truth is out there, somewhere as to who is really mad and not mad, but the splitter has a sense of control because they are conquering by dividing, and everyone else stays away from each other out of a perception of the need to protect themselves. Everyone feels like they get something bad out of the deal--but they get something.
If there is a divorce and a particular toxic ex-spouse with a borderline personality, then hang-on Arizona. I have been aware of several friends and acquaintances who had ex-spouses with borderline personality disorder and they have had year after year of misery dealing with the emotional terrorism and control games. The emotional terrorism extended to extended family in these cases.
Control Issues in the Family at the Holidays
The family is not going to stop playing these control games at the holidays. No matter if there is a call for peace on earth and good will towards men, it is not going to happen.
Many families have a general understanding and tend to go along with the power. The holiday celebration will happen at a particular person's house and be according to certain unwritten rules. The matriarch or patriarch runs the show and people will bow down to that person's authority--end of story.
Many otherwise-strained families are able to put on happy faces for four to eight hours before either the wine, vodka, or rum-laced egg nog has kicked in or the the nice conversation has stopped. When the guard has been let down, the control games start again.
Many chaotic families with numerous family members fighting for control stay away from each other. They moved away from each other or do not get together for good reason--they all have to be in control and have lots of past grudges and pain. Maybe they will send presents and maybe they will call on the phone at Christmas--but that is it as the powerful need to control keeps them apart.
The reality of control over others: you can never really have it
Control over other people is an illusion. I have talked to many people that put so much energy into it, and they never get it. They cannot have meaningful, secure relationships, and they are never happy. The pursuit of control over others will drain you dry and ruin you.
I think part of making for a better and happier life is surrendering to the reality that you cannot have control over anyone but yourself. I think that it can make for a happier holiday season too.
The ceasing of trying to control others allows you to stop wasting your energy and resources. It also allows you to be able to rest and be at peace, have less anxiety.
Giving up the pursuit of trying to control others does not mean that you are becoming a push-over or weak. However, what you do with that extra energy and that increased sense of peace is up to you.
When some people begin to work on giving up the perceived need to control it can be scary. There is another anxiety that comes along and asks if you are being stupid or foolish? It is a question that you will have to determine. As for me--I asked myself: what do I really have to lose? Trying to control wasn't doing me any good in the first place.
Tomorrow, I will talk how many people start to get tense about holiday gatherings--it is related to control.
No comments:
Post a Comment