A Recap
Grief is the natural emotional response to the loss of a cherished person, thing or idea. As noted before, I buy into the Kubler-Ross model that there are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance.
Yesterday I discussed how anger is the underestimated emotion of grief during the holidays. Anger as part of the grief process is a strong feeling that people get stuck and paralyzed in if they do not work through it or resolve in. People who are angry because of a loss can be unbearable to be around and can disrupt family celebrations.
Denial and Bargaining
When it comes to the other stages of grief, people may get stuck in the the denial or bargaining stages if they are dealing with a divorce or relationship estrangement. I have met one person who appeared to be stuck in the denial stage and they were apparently high on pain medications when expressing their bargaining with God to bring their mother back. However, usually when a loved one dies, if people are not having problems with anger, they are feeling depression.
Depression
The depression stage in grief is supposed to be after the “bargaining” stage (it may not be). In this stage a person has realized that they cannot bargain anymore. In the depression stage of grief they feel stuck and stupid and helpless. They usually do not feel this stage for awhile until after their loved one is gone.
The depression stage of grief does not exactly have an end to it. From what I have read it takes as long as it takes . . . everyone is different. When it gets in the way of a person's daily functioning . . . that is when people wind up in the hospital or at the door of the psychiatrist or counselor.
I have found that people who may be stuck in the grief stage of depression were people that did not have a way to get their emotional needs after the loved one died. One example was a guy who was a “mama's boy” whose mother and father died in the same year and he was stuck believing that he could not stand to lose anymore relationships. Another example was a lady whose mother was her only best friend and when her mother died she lost both her mother and her best friend and she had no other close friends by which to bond and talk and trust with her feelings. The guy was not ready to change, but the woman accepted the advice of calling people in her church to make connections—the woman got better but the guy did not.
The holiday is just not going to be the same
The first set of holidays after the death of a loved one are typically the hardest. It is the first holiday (s) without them and you know it.
If the loved one was the matriarch or patriarch or family leader or who was the organizer of the family celebrations or had a central role in cooking, decorating or organizing, it will feel like there is a hole or something is very much missing. I have been aware that when a mother or father dies, the adult children fall out of touch with each other. No one was willing or feeling capable to organize a family gathering.
I think that for many the phrase the holiday is not just going to be the same is really the holiday will never be good again. I do think that there is some legitimate coming to terms with the holiday not being the same—because it is factual and logical. The holiday is not going to be the same because that loved one is no longer there.
I think when someone is going through their first holiday without the loved one, that this is another time where it is appropriate to be sad and mad and depressed all over again. To deny yourself these feelings is to deny that you are a human being with needs.
Dwelling and living in the past versus moving ahead.
Many people dwell on the negative thought that the holiday is just not going to be the same. Some will dwell on that thought to the point of depression. Cognitive therapists would call this a negative mental filter where a person's point of view is polluted by the dwelling on one negative thought.
I think when people dwell on the holiday is just not going to be the same, they start getting stuck in the past and start missing the present. It is my opinion that when this goes on for two or three Christmases, it suggests that someone may be stuck in grief.
It is not my original suggestion, but people who have lost that family member have a need to move on and make the holidays good again. Making it good again does not mean making it perfect or trying to make it just like that deceased loved one did. I think it means gathering together to continue to have relationships. Maybe there can be an honoring of family traditions which bind relationships, or maybe there can be a new tradition to celebrate. I think that families merely being together at Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate can be surprisingly fulfilling and delightful.
The barrier of the family--when they don't want to move ahead with you
It serves to mention, that not all family members grieve in the same way at the same time. If you are wanting to move ahead and try to organize a family gathering at Christmas or other holiday, you may have one or more family members be resistant or uncooperative.
The reasons are endless for family resistance but here are a few ideas. Maybe people are angry. Maybe people are just not wanting to talk about the loved one. Maybe mother was close to all of you but you weren't close to each other. Maybe some family members got together out of respect for mother despite not being able to stand each other (this even happens in religious families). I would like to say a little investigation may be needed, but such answers are not necessarily hard to get.
If your family is not going along with your idea to have Christmas or the holiday gathering, then you have some other choices to make. They all seem to center around the question of: How can I make my holiday good this year?
Acceptance: How can I make my holiday good?
When people begin to focus on: How can I make my holiday good? versus It just won't be the same, a person is moving into the fifth stage of Acceptance. Acceptance is where a person begins to reach the conclusion and feeling that it is possible to heal and move on. Acceptance does not mean you will forget the pain or loss, but it does mean that you are in a better place to live your life . . . and I do mean your life.
It is all easier said than done
Any kind of discussion about these matters is easier said than done. I think that the journey of grief and loss is a miserable and stressful one that takes not just an emotional toll on someone but also a physical toll. The emotions of grief are physically stressful and lead to stomachaches, headaches, and muscle aches in addition to insomnia.
Despite the theories, the journey of grief and loss is still an individual journey. We all must figure things out for ourselves. We have to reach our own decisions and we all move on in our own ways.
For those of us who have prided ourselves on being the strong ones, we may have to surrender to being weak. We cannot do it all for ourselves and everyone else. We may cry and pout that we can't be all things to all people--but it does not mean that we failed.
We need grace in our grief
We (especially the strong ones) need grace in our grief, which is often defined as “unmerited favor.” We need a gift of relief. The original meaning of Christmas is that gift from God, Jesus who came to earth to give us life and give it to us more abundantly. While Judaism would disagree with this interpretation, Isaiah 53 foretold that Jesus is a man of sorrows and acquainted with suffering. Psalm 34: 12 also says
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (NIV)
Approximately 33 years after being born in a stable and laid in a manger, Jesus died a humiliating public death on a cross after an unfair trial--he did suffer and he did it for us. But death did not keep him in the grave--he arose from the grave after three days and is in Heaven to come back one day for the people who have accepted him as savior. It is not a perfect option, but it can be comforting or soothing to know that God is a personal God who is not distant and uncaring. I think that people who seek God and His grace will find God--the Bible tells you how you can.
Closing comments:
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