Tonight I got paged at a neighborhood association meeting by my wife. She rarely has paged me at these things. I called immediately not truly thinking about what it could be about?
She lost the diamond out of her engagement ring. My first response was that I could buy her another diamond. She said that she knew but that it very much bothered her because it was a precious item. She had been looking and she had made a Facebook post about it.
I left my meeting after enough of the business had been accomplished. I went home and started to help look for the diamond. I looked with the flashlight at anything that even gleamed in the beam of the light.
For nearly 18 and a half years, the diamond had stayed in its mount, as I looked at the ring when I noticed one of the claws of the setting had been stretched or snagged indicating that it lost its hold on the diamond. Eighteen years later, in a shock, the diamond was probably gone.
I had some hope. Maybe it was still in the house. Maybe it on the floor of one of the places my wife went to today on perhaps one of her holiday errands.
Even though it had been more than 18 years I remembered the details as I was looking in the matted down carpet . . . I had bought the diamond at a pawn shop. The feelings were beginning to come with the memories.
I was fighting the survivor behaviors and had told my mother to shut up five months earlier when she kept trying to voice warnings about being careful about dating the woman I was about to ask to be my wife. Couldn't mom just shut up and say, "whatever you decide I will support." No--mom's anxiety just wouldn't let her. My survivor behaviors were walls that I had began to beat down about two years earlier when I asked myself what was really going to matter in my life?
It was a 0.42 carat or half carat. I was nervous as I looked for the diamond. I was going against all the survivor messages still going on in my brain. I was a graduate student about to make an extravagant expenditure. I had looked at jewelry stores that had a similar diamond for a lot more.
They told me the price--it was a lot of money but a lot less. I practically said that I would take the diamond in an impulsive manner. I remembered in my numbness at the time the pawn broker telling me the name and address of a good jeweler who would mount it in a new setting for a good price. Those were some days of fear and those were days of courage.
After looking for the better part of an hour, I had to stop. I looked everywhere possible in my not-so-large house.
The Loss that lead to grief.
I would say existentially that I am feeling numb right now. Even though I am a mental health professional, the real me is feeling numb. My wife and I have had a loss. It is not as significant as the other losses that we have experienced such as the miscarriage of two little boys, it is still a loss.
We did not expect this loss. In fact, we assumed that the diamond was going to stay mounted in its setting for life. A valuable symbol was gone.
We all tend to live with the assumption that life is going to continue to go on and on. While it sounds foolish, it is actually more wise living under this assumption because we just cannot let our imaginations take our energy that we need for living. If we do not assume that life is going to go on as normal, we would likely be unable to focus on getting things done and worry about everything and anything and all get anxiety-related physical illnesses.
The effect of loss on a person varies according to the significance of the loss. If a person loses a pen or pencil, it is usually a cheap item that has little to no value and the person is unaffected. If a person loses a close and cherished loved one suddenly to death, the shock is paralyzing and the person will stop everything.
Right now, the diamond is somewhere in the middle. It is more valuable than a stick ball point pen, but far less important than a family member dying. Our lives will not end. We will likely feel a little better tomorrow.
Some people are going through shock and denial right now.
I cannot begin to imagine what kind of numbness and shock people are going through right now. Love ones are killed in car accidents. Loved ones are killed in senseless violent crimes. Some loved ones might have been killed in war. Some loved ones died suddenly of natural causes such as a heart attack or aneurysm.
Sudden loss is the game changer in life. Everything gets put on hold. Everything changes.
The world of the person in shock is surreal. Christmas music and celebrations do not matter. Food does not taste good. Forget about decking the halls and hanging out the holly.
Thinking is Difficult When You are in Shock.
A person in shock feels tense. A person in shock is preoccupied and yet at the same time cannot keep thoughts straight. They may factually know that the loss has happened, but they just cannot believe it at the same time--that is why the first stage of grief is called denial.
A person in shock is likely capable of thinking simple things and not about big decisions. A person in shock is likely to barely be praying--although many people can because they have practiced prayer. Overall, it is usually enough that they are moving their feet and taking care of the basics in life.
Don't give advice when someone is in shock--it is the wrong time.
Too many caretaker types stick their royal feet in their mouths in giving advice.
trying too much to help is actually going to be antagonizing and counter-productive.
Helping someone in shock requires patience on your part.
Is your attempt to help about meeting their need . . . or is it about your trying to settle your own anxiety? Too much bad advice has come across as criticism because people just had to open their mouths and say something.
You are better off to check on the person who in shock after a big loss and ask them what they need. Maybe they can tell you and maybe they cannot.
If the person in shock cannot tell you what they need. You can always come back later and ask again. You can offer something that you can deliver on, and maybe they will take you up on it. Just don't offer what you cannot deliver.
Closing comments
The truth is that loss knows no holiday. While the holidays are to have peace, joy and good will among people loss can and does happen. The shock that comes with sudden loss takes away the ability to feel the warmth of the holidays (if it existed to begin with). Loss is something that we usually do survive regardless of when it comes.
She lost the diamond out of her engagement ring. My first response was that I could buy her another diamond. She said that she knew but that it very much bothered her because it was a precious item. She had been looking and she had made a Facebook post about it.
I left my meeting after enough of the business had been accomplished. I went home and started to help look for the diamond. I looked with the flashlight at anything that even gleamed in the beam of the light.
For nearly 18 and a half years, the diamond had stayed in its mount, as I looked at the ring when I noticed one of the claws of the setting had been stretched or snagged indicating that it lost its hold on the diamond. Eighteen years later, in a shock, the diamond was probably gone.
I had some hope. Maybe it was still in the house. Maybe it on the floor of one of the places my wife went to today on perhaps one of her holiday errands.
Even though it had been more than 18 years I remembered the details as I was looking in the matted down carpet . . . I had bought the diamond at a pawn shop. The feelings were beginning to come with the memories.
I was fighting the survivor behaviors and had told my mother to shut up five months earlier when she kept trying to voice warnings about being careful about dating the woman I was about to ask to be my wife. Couldn't mom just shut up and say, "whatever you decide I will support." No--mom's anxiety just wouldn't let her. My survivor behaviors were walls that I had began to beat down about two years earlier when I asked myself what was really going to matter in my life?
It was a 0.42 carat or half carat. I was nervous as I looked for the diamond. I was going against all the survivor messages still going on in my brain. I was a graduate student about to make an extravagant expenditure. I had looked at jewelry stores that had a similar diamond for a lot more.
They told me the price--it was a lot of money but a lot less. I practically said that I would take the diamond in an impulsive manner. I remembered in my numbness at the time the pawn broker telling me the name and address of a good jeweler who would mount it in a new setting for a good price. Those were some days of fear and those were days of courage.
After looking for the better part of an hour, I had to stop. I looked everywhere possible in my not-so-large house.
The Loss that lead to grief.
I would say existentially that I am feeling numb right now. Even though I am a mental health professional, the real me is feeling numb. My wife and I have had a loss. It is not as significant as the other losses that we have experienced such as the miscarriage of two little boys, it is still a loss.
We did not expect this loss. In fact, we assumed that the diamond was going to stay mounted in its setting for life. A valuable symbol was gone.
We all tend to live with the assumption that life is going to continue to go on and on. While it sounds foolish, it is actually more wise living under this assumption because we just cannot let our imaginations take our energy that we need for living. If we do not assume that life is going to go on as normal, we would likely be unable to focus on getting things done and worry about everything and anything and all get anxiety-related physical illnesses.
The effect of loss on a person varies according to the significance of the loss. If a person loses a pen or pencil, it is usually a cheap item that has little to no value and the person is unaffected. If a person loses a close and cherished loved one suddenly to death, the shock is paralyzing and the person will stop everything.
Right now, the diamond is somewhere in the middle. It is more valuable than a stick ball point pen, but far less important than a family member dying. Our lives will not end. We will likely feel a little better tomorrow.
Some people are going through shock and denial right now.
I cannot begin to imagine what kind of numbness and shock people are going through right now. Love ones are killed in car accidents. Loved ones are killed in senseless violent crimes. Some loved ones might have been killed in war. Some loved ones died suddenly of natural causes such as a heart attack or aneurysm.
Sudden loss is the game changer in life. Everything gets put on hold. Everything changes.
The world of the person in shock is surreal. Christmas music and celebrations do not matter. Food does not taste good. Forget about decking the halls and hanging out the holly.
Thinking is Difficult When You are in Shock.
A person in shock feels tense. A person in shock is preoccupied and yet at the same time cannot keep thoughts straight. They may factually know that the loss has happened, but they just cannot believe it at the same time--that is why the first stage of grief is called denial.
A person in shock is likely capable of thinking simple things and not about big decisions. A person in shock is likely to barely be praying--although many people can because they have practiced prayer. Overall, it is usually enough that they are moving their feet and taking care of the basics in life.
Don't give advice when someone is in shock--it is the wrong time.
Too many caretaker types stick their royal feet in their mouths in giving advice.
Yeah--you are just trying to be helpful . . . but
trying too much to help is actually going to be antagonizing and counter-productive.
Helping someone in shock requires patience on your part.
Is your attempt to help about meeting their need . . . or is it about your trying to settle your own anxiety? Too much bad advice has come across as criticism because people just had to open their mouths and say something.
You are better off to check on the person who in shock after a big loss and ask them what they need. Maybe they can tell you and maybe they cannot.
If the person in shock cannot tell you what they need. You can always come back later and ask again. You can offer something that you can deliver on, and maybe they will take you up on it. Just don't offer what you cannot deliver.
Closing comments
The truth is that loss knows no holiday. While the holidays are to have peace, joy and good will among people loss can and does happen. The shock that comes with sudden loss takes away the ability to feel the warmth of the holidays (if it existed to begin with). Loss is something that we usually do survive regardless of when it comes.
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