The Shiny Seeming Shallow: The Pressure of Christmas

I have made this statement a number of times about how the holiday season is like a Hurricane.   I am sure I have overused this simile a few other times in the past three years of this blog.  

For those of you who have lived in areas where there are typhoons, tropical cyclones, or hurricanes (all the same thing) you have warning that it is coming.  Your job is to prepare for the storm to make sure you have everything you need to survive what could be the worst.   People make small talk in lines about the latest hurricane forecast and where it may or may not be making landfall.  The talk is all over the local and regional media.  The local weather forecasters are the people everyone listens to.   Some people may get a hurricane tracking chart and plot the points of where the storm is heading.   By the time the hurricane has hit landfall, you have your hurricane kit prepared and you are ready and locked in your house or maybe at a hurricane shelter.

I felt like it was like hurricane preparation when I went to my local Walmart on Thanksgiving night and people were all lined up to get specials that were being rationed out.   Far more people are in the mall from the day after Thanksgiving until December 24.  Everyone is under a deadline to get in everything.   

There will be extra events to go to and things to make. There will be expectations to do things.   As an adult with adolescent children, these are on top of what I usually do all ready.  It is tiring getting ready for the hurricane . . . I mean Christmas.

The church used to keep sole track of Christmas, the economy in most western nations has taken over. 

As a result of the economic exploitation of Christmas, the Christmas season starts at Halloween.  We have an intense environment that intensifies further at the holidays much like an artificial hurricane.  

I have to say that the advertisers at Christmas time really know how to work their motivational techniques to get us out and buy.  The music is loud, the images are vivid, the smells are strong, and the lights are shiny. The urge is to get out there because there is not much time.  You must go and get stuff to make that day magical and special with all of those relatives who you are going to have a great time with!  

 Here in the United States patriotism has been blended with consumerism. It is your patriotic duty to get out and buy merchandise because your retail sector needs you.   The media will take economic temperatures and report the stories as a subtle commercial to get out and buy whatever.  Some consumers will either feel motivation or guilt because they have not done their share in holding the economy up.

(record scratch).

It is interesting how guilt at Christmas can be about not buying enough stuff versus your sins.  The real message of what Christmas is about has got lost in many cases.  It less about reflecting on our lostness and our need for salvation than it is about getting out and buying stuff.  My eternal destiny is not based on what I buy for my kids this Christmas. The shiny seems shallow. 

The center of Christmas is about the one who brought us and still brings us peace and forgiveness.  The toys get broken, the Christmas lights break, decorations get worn out and the Christmas cookies get stale, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) New International Version.

Guilt and Toxic Shame--Challenges and Roadblocks to Peace at Advent and Christmas

I continue to reflect on peace this week and the thought came to guilt and shame.

I do read the Bible daily, and I admit the idea hit me at 5:20 this morning when my cycle through the Psalms stopped at Psalm 51.  For those of you who are familiar with the Bible, Psalm 51 is attributed as King David's confession after he committed adultery with Bathsheba and a few other peccadilloes and then was confronted by Nathan the Prophet.  He asks God to create in him a clean heart and to forgive his sins and states his realization that the proper sacrifice is a contrite heart. 

Over the years I have worked with many patients who struggle with guilt and toxic shame.  Like loneliness, it has been a curiosity to me.  They came to me and my program for relief.  Both guilt and shame can torture someone and keep them from feeling a sense of peace inside. 

Forms of Anxiety. 

Guilt and toxic shame are are both emotions.  I have decided that they are both forms of anxiety.  

To me guilt is a strong form of anxiety that motivates a person to apologize and make amends for what he or she did wrong or perceived to have done wrong.  The powerful physical and emotional strain is not relieved until something is resolved. 

As greatly influenced by John Bradshaw toxic shame is a similar feeling that just says you are bad.  It feels like guilt, but it is not guilt.  In Bradshaw's framework it tends to be the base of addiction.   Much of John Bradshaw's work is about shame and healing shame. He is worth reading at if your interest is piqued. 

In my experience the difference between guilt and shame is being able to identify the source of the feeling.  With guilt one can readily identify the sin or crime.  With shame, one cannot identify a specific wrong whether it be a sin or infraction.  

In my experience most people with shame take responsibility for bad outcomes or think a lot of would-have's, should-have's, and could-have's.  I have seen older adults especially feel shame for the way adult children have turned out. I have seen adults feel shame for not speaking up when they were being physically or sexually abused as children.  

Many people are torn up by toxic shame.  It seems to be why many people are working 12-step programs to stay sober, stay away from addictive behavior, and to maintain healthy boundaries.  A big focus of the 12-step programs is Serenity. Which of course is another word for peace. 

What Should We Do?

The average person cannot hold onto guilt for a long time.  It can poison a life to the marrow of one's bones. The person who is feeling guilty about a specific issue needs to do the best possible to confess, apologize and make or speak amends. Guilt is a good emotion in that it helps us adhere to our moral codes, whether it be the Bible or something else. 

The person who is dealing with toxic shame may need to get some professional help or go to a 12-step group such as Alanon.  Getting clear on deciding how to deal with it is a bit more complicated than can be discussed here. 

Concluding Thoughts: Bringing it Back to Christmas and Advent

Understanding the significance of Jesus's coming to earth in terms of our Peace and Toxic shame is another one of those moments of letting the baby get out of the manager. As foretold by the Prophet Isaiah  . .

There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
    nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
    a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
    We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
    the sins of us all.

7 He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth.
8 Unjustly condemned,
    he was led away.[b]
No one cared that he died without descendants,
    that his life was cut short in midstream.[c]
But he was struck down
    for the rebellion of my people.
9 He had done no wrong
    and had never deceived anyone.
But he was buried like a criminal;
    he was put in a rich man’s grave.

10 But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him

    and cause him grief.  (Isaiah 52 2b-10a New Living Translation)

Christmas reminds us that this sacrifice is a gift that was and is still offered to us today.  God knows our hurt, pain and our regrets.  He knows that some of us struggle with what is going on inside of us.  He still loves us and that love is both symbolized and substantiated by the babe in the manger. 

That love is the forgiveness of our sins and the offering of salvation. If you have questions please post them as a comment, I will be happy to answer them future. 

Loneliness--a Lack of Peace

Because there tends to be so much focus on loneliness at the holidays, it has been something of a strange interest to me for the past several years.  I have found loneliness to be the absence of peace when one is alone.

We can be alone, but not necessarily lonely. In fact there are times when we have the need to be away from others and be alone. There are other times when we are alone and are indifferent to being alone.

I figure that being alone follows a continuum.

Need to be with people                     No need                         Need to be away from people
Loneliness------------------------------------Alone--------------------------------------------Privacy
Emptiness-------------------------------------Peace--------------------------------------------Satiation

It is not necessarily a perfect continuum, but loneliness signifies that there is a need.

Some of us are introverts who like our puzzles and stamp collections. Others are extroverts that like going to parties and dancing.  Nevertheless, I agree with Rick Springfield that "We all need the human touch."

We all need connection, identification with others, and belonging. For many of us the lack of human touch will eventually get to us.

Otherwise we seem more likely to feel lonely when we are in pain and need the attention of other people.  Some of the pain may come from engaging in negative thinking or dwelling on some pain of the past and so we may need the assurance of acceptance from others people that we are okay.  We need the connection all the more when we are in pain and not getting the assurance and comfort from others makes the loneliness worse.

I do feel with the trauma survivor who is caught in a double bind of wanting human connection but afraid to trust others. The survivor tends to feel empty but is too scared to seek fulfillment.

Strangely, many trauma survivors are defiantly proud in their pain.  They are hurting inside but they are not going to admit it. They spend their energies in building up defenses as they are not going to get hurt again.

However, survivors can develop thick walls around a void.  They can forget why they have such thick walls.  The tough facade can eventually be destructive and weigh a person down.

There can be a sense of relief when one lets go of the facade and admit we are lonely. It is a sense of liberation that we can admit that we are human like everyone else.

It takes a lot of courage to admit that one is lonely.  It is a confession of weakness. It is a surrender to the reality that you are not the invincible person that you have been posing to be.  It is an admission that you like all other human beings on planet earth have needs, but it is often the first step towards peace.

The Pursuit of Peace

Today is the Sunday of Peace in Advent.   When thinking about peace it is hard to miss that the world has its usual share of violence, discord and unrest.

Without getting too political, most of the violence, discord, and unrest in this world tends to be macro in nature.  The causes and solutions are typically bigger than any one person.  The solutions also tend to have complicated and compound consequences.  One solution may cause other problems.

Furthermore, as a mental health professional, I think that I have met a number of patients and colleagues who will never achieve peace.  They are incapable of achieving it and would not know it if it bit them on the posterior.

What this means is that the peace that we can achieve typically is within ourselves versus outside of ourselves.  Peace is tranquility, calmness, the absence of turmoil.  Peace within ourselves is our responsibility.

I am inclined to think that inner peace is a pursuit because there will always be something to challenge it.  There will be new aggressors and haters whose paths we will cross. There will be new situations that provoke some level of anxiety from earth-shaking to mere inconveniences.

The methods and and practices we use to practice peace may not always work or work as well as we think they should.  We may have to identify something new.

This week, I plan to reflect on peace in a number of ways.   I think that the average person wants it, but some have problems identifying and doing what it takes to get it.

For now, I wish you peace and I hope you find it if you do not have it.  

Christmas Eve-Seeking and Finding Peace.

Yes it is Christmas Eve.  If you did not get it, you will have to do without it.  If they are not coming then we will not see them.  It is either a matter of feeling some sort of peace or some sort of internal turmoil.

The world has continued to be full of turmoil since Sandy Hook.  Three days ago some suicide bomber went to a political rally in Pakistan and killed eight people with himself.  Today some ex-convict started a fire outside of Rochester, New York and then shot four volunteer firemen--killing two of them.  Here in Louisville, Kentucky a 20-year-old male was shot dead.  Psychopaths and sociopaths do not have empathy and do not value human life.

The World Does Not Offer Us Inner Peace

In this life, I have been hard-pressed to find that the world as we know has ever given a sense of peace.  The phrase that comes to mind is "dog eat dog."  The world that we live is in rough. 

The roughness seems amplified during Christmas time when the Christmas music comes out suggesting peace love and good will.   There is something disingenuous and ironic about Christmas music when the other 10 1/2 months are anything but good and fair.

Many of our workplaces are not fair.  In many of our workplaces we endure cronyism and dishonesty despite whatever policy exists to enforce order and fairness.   In these same workplaces, the grievance processes prove to be a joke because if the unfairness serves the purpose of management. 

Many of our families are not fair.  We have family members who are frauds who hold the power cards.  Dealing with them is like eating a packet of the pink packet sweetener.  We would like to feel closer to them but the price is to do it on their terms where they think they are being nice but their comments are nothing but sugar-coated abuse.

These global and personal factors are not going to give us inner-peace. Thinking about these things creates the feelings of pain, anger and loneliness.  If we are alone tonight, then we run the risk of dwelling on our pain.

Being alone on a night like tonight also amplifies the pain because there is the likely message of inferiority or deficit because if we are alone then there must be something wrong with us.   No one wonder there is more suicides in the month of December and at Christmas.

Finding Peace

Many people think that finding peace is this grand state that is supposed to be once and for-and-for-all.   The reality is that peace is generally a moment by moment matter. 

Finding Peace begins with recognizing you are feeling pain and chaos.  The next step is stopping thinking about the pain.  Stopping may have to be done one moment at a time.  I think that peace is best found when you are doing things according to your religious or moral code.

You may have to do a number of activities or "things" to stop thinking about the chaos and pain.   There are options to finding to peace even just for the moment.   We all have moments of pain and we have moments of peace. 

I had my annual viewing of  Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol  and in the prospective "ghost of Christmas future" portion, I saw a great example.  Bob Cratchitt and his family were grieving the death of Tiny Tim.  Bob was able to look at his surviving children, think for a minute and say "I am a happy man."  I counted my blessings along with Bob and I felt a moment of peace.

Peace Doesn't Have to Be Perfect

Since peace tends to last from one moment to another, it does not have to be perfect.  It just has to get us through.  Many people in AA have to pray the serenity prayer many times a day. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Many of us not in AA could benefit from such a practice too.  This is a great way of stopping negative thoughts and getting your mind away from the negative.

Final Comments

Tonight, we celebrate the "Prince of Peace."  It has proven to be hard if not impossible for many to think about peace given personal and global situations.  It is a challenge for each one of us to feel or not feel it; it is a choice.

If you happen to be reading this and are feeling hopeless, I suggest you wake someone up or call your nearest helpline.  In most communities, it is 211.  Sometimes a person can be depressed beyond trying to practice thought-stopping and praying the serenity prayer.

I wish you peace tonight and peace tomorrow.



 

Hoping for Inner Peace in a time of discontent

Yesterday was the first day of Advent.  While I was doing the nursery with three, four, and five year-old children there was a sermon going on related to Advent.  Yesterday was supposed to be the Sunday of "Hope."

From time to time I consider the concept of hope.  It is a looking forward to an expectation . . . something that is supposed to be good in your eyes or at least good for you.  We have all kinds of hopes . . . some are little and some are large. 

In the end, something that is hoped for is supposed to bring a sense of fulfillment or pleasure or peace.  Your emotional inside should feel positive and not negative. 

Here at the end of 2012 we have all kinds of worries and discontents.  In many of our countries the economy is doing badly.  War persists in several locations around the world.  The news brings us all of it and Marshall McLuhan's global village brings us a sense of insecurity.

Combine the feelings of insecurity and discomfort with Andy Williams singing, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and you are experiencing a contradiction.   The feeling of worry and discontent can increase some to make one question personal sanity: Is something wrong with me?

 Defining and Finding Inner Peace

I think for the purposes of this blog, inner peace simply defined is an absence of anxiety, a sense of fulfillment, a sense of security, and a feeling of confidence that you have a grasp on things.    Inner peace does not make everything better.   Inner peace allows you to see a big picture and tolerate the distress and be able to be still. 

A warning is noted here: I can find my own inner peace.  I cannot find yours for you.  I cannot get you over your hump . . . there are no freebies here. 

First, I think that people as a rule do not pay attention when they have inner peace.  They only know when they feel absence of peace or emptiness.  Some of that emptiness comes when there has been a loss that one had centered his or her life around such as a marriage or career, or significant other.   I have found a useful exercise to include asking:

What do you feel like when you are not feeling empty?

For at least now, some people have to ask the question:

What good is your worry doing you?

I have known, colleagues, patients, acquaintances and family members to stay anxious out of a belief that it is the wise choice.  They are the type of people who say "I hope you're right?"  They will stubbornly hold onto their anxiety and be "basketcases."  They hang onto their worry and anxiety out of some need for control . . . they at least feel they are doing all they can do . . . maybe.

A risky example: Me

For me, I find my sense of inner peace first in my faith.  I note that God offers peace throughout the Bible.  Jesus told his disciples in John 14 that he gives peace--not as the world gives.  I have to surrender from time to time and ask God for peace because I am not always going to find it within me.

I also find peace in my non-religious beliefs.   I found that I had been holding negative assumptions that were actually making me feel wretched. When I stopped trying to mind read the thoughts of others and stopped  dwelling on the past I actually felt more peaceful.  Keeping my mind on the present has a remarkable way of faciliting serenity and a sense of order as I can only do something now--not yesterday nor tomorrow.

I must say that as a human I am not a perfect model of inner peace.  Like all humans I have my worries from time to time. 

As I look at Christmas and seeking the feeling of peace, I do find that I am dependent on something larger than I am.  I sometimes need not to look just at the babe in the manager but also at the courage of a guy named Joseph who learned that the virgin he committed to came up pregnant, and he listened to God in his dreams and acted in faith.  He made the obedient choice to stay in the relationship.  I get the sense of peace that it is okay that I as a human have tough choices to make where there are risks and some emotional suffering because that is life.   Sometimes with the risks come affirmation in strange ways that include

• some strange shepherds barging in on your and your wife in the middle of the night telling you a wild story of seeing angels in the middle of the night sky.  

• eight days later seeing some old guy holding your baby up and saying some prayer to God that he can now be dismissed in peace because he has seen the salvation, and then some old lady making a prophecy about your baby 

• two years later seeing some astrologers coming in with Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh followed by another dream telling you to get out of town because Herod is wanting to kill your son.

The Bible does not give Joseph's emotional state through this story line, so I can only imagine that Joseph saw his big picture that there was something larger working.  It hurt and was humiliating in the beginning, but there were all kinds of acts of God after the fact that affirmed God was present and working, even in possible emotional pain. 

I do not know what the future holds, but the Christmas story does have all kinds of complicated side bars to look at.  I think that it shows that God is not naive of how complicated our lives are and can be.  God is there and he will give people to those who ask for it.

Peace in the Quiet on Christmas Day

Well, today is Christmas Day, a day where we remember the coming of the Prince of Peace.  The world around me seems quiet.   It is not all quiet as the news had stories about two churches in Africa being bombed by Islamic groups.  But for me the freeway that is about 120 feet away is quiet and I have not heard any sirens.  The traffic was light to church and back.   

The children got along for the most part until they had some typical sibling rivalry while playing Wii before church.  Except for the dishwasher and television, the house is quiet as we settle down to quiet time and naps.

At church we sang I heard the bells on Christmas Day. I saw someone roughly a century and a half ago struggling with the issue of justice and hate on Christmas Day. 

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

The author's encounter with God comes through the ringing of these bells in that the music (not words speak to him):

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men
Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Given my journey and my expectations, I can look at today and say that the silence will be good today.  As I reflect, it has not always been good.

The silence and quiet is sometimes scary

For silence to be enjoyed there often has to be peace within a person, and of course one of the phrases is "peace on earth and good will towards man."  People hope and expect to find peace at Christmas, and religious faith does not always seem to cut it.

However, peace depends on one's expectation.   If our expectations are not met and we are not feeling a sense of contentment, we will likely feel unsettled and uncomfortable inside.  The silence often is uncomfortable as we feel the anxiety.

I have came to decide that there is an emotional continuum when it comes to silence and being alone.

Need                       Ambivalence                                   Need
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Privacy                   Content                                            Loneliness

At one end is need where we seek privacy and we set boundaries and be by ourselves.  At the other end is the need for people and we are feeling lonely.   In the middle we have a point where we at a relative sense of peace and we are ambivalent or we could care less about being around people.

It has been my opinion that when we have anxiety and pain, we generally have a difficult time being alone with our thoughts and we cannot stand the silence.   When leading therapy groups over the years, I have seen people start to giggle nervously when the room grows quiet--their anxiety was too high to be able to stand the silence.

We also are more likely to feel lonely when we are thinking about our regrets, our hurts, and our unfulfilled expectations.  If someone is a survivor who is guarded and stays away from people, the loneliness may be more intense than they would care to admit, but they are able to make it look they just need more privacy.

Peace is a choice and a priority

As I have noted elsewhere in these blog posts, we have choices.  We have choices with our activities, words, and thoughts.  Peace within a person is a choice.  Sometimes it takes work and practice.
In a sense it is an act of faith.  Too many people think that if they let their guard down, they are going to miss something. 

Not everything in this world is too important to miss.  Everything will have its importance at one time or another.  Everything cannot be of equal importance at the same time. 

Furthermore, not everything demands attention at this time.  We usually can prioritize matters as to when they are due.  It is amazing how much more peace and comfort people feel when they prioritize.

Too many of us dwell on the pain of the past.  It is only as important as we prioritize it.  We will remember it, but dwelling sometines makes it too important and we disrupt our inner peace, afterall, we can do nothing to resolve the past--it is gone except in how we remember it.  Dwelling on the past can create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Tomorrow has yet to come.  We will deal with it when we get there.  Worrying about it can also create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Today only has to be as complicated as we make it.  In the uncomplicated present we can deal with it to a relative satisfaction and we can create some sense of peace even with a dying relative or a toxic relative drinking their fifth beer and getting belligerant.

As usual, I can do this for me, but I cannot do it for you.  I hope that you are able to choose and find peace in the quiet of this Christmas Day.

Second Sunday of Advent: Peace. Know and Appreciate it when you have it.

Today was the lighting of the peace candle on the Advent wreath at my church.  I was actually standing at a door to greet people coming in so I missed it.

Peace is a subject that varies in interest from year to year.   There are different years when people seek peace more than others.

I think that the world as a whole has never had peace.  There has always been a war or conflict somewhere between people groups or nations.   

National and inner peace are blessings.  People do not seem to appreciate peace when they have it.

National Peace

Here in the United States there does not seem to be an emphasis on peace as much as there has been in recent years.  Here in the United States, there is more focus on jobs and the economy and the different "occupy" demonstrations around the country.   That is curious to me given that the United States has essentially been engaged in war activities for the past decade after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. 

The United States has been blessed overall as a nation for the past 146 years not to have had war within its geopolitical borders since the Civil War ended in 1865.  The exceptions have been the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii 70 years ago on December 7, 1941 and then nine-eleven/9-11.  While the US has been engaged in some kind of war for nearly the past 10 years, the war has typically been across the ocean or outside of US borders.    I think that many people do not appreciate the peace that we have within the country and the peace that we have with our two bordering neighbors Canada and Mexico. 

The peace was not always perfect.  There was a 45-year "Cold War" of tension or nerves between 1946 and 1991 between the former Soviet Union and United States over who was going to push the button first. The Korean and Vietnam Wars actually could be called puppet wars given that both the USA and USSR supplied materiel and personnel in both conflicts.   Overall, many fretted over the nuclear threat, and it seemed that olympic competitions between USSR and USA athletes were symbolic in suggesting which was the better country (especially the 1980 Lake Placid US Hockey Team). Occasional  "Fallout Shelters"signs can be seen as artifacts where people could have gone  in case the button was pushed.

The United States seemed to become complacent between 1991 and 2001 and lost an appreciation of peace until Osama Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda Network used fully-fueled airliners as bombs that one Tuesday in September.  After the attacks Bin Laden even continued his taunts that the U.S. would only dream of peace.   Now that Bin Laden is dead and at the bottom of the sea, I wonder how much we appreciate the added sense of peace?   (Not so fast, Al Qaeda is busy in Africa giving out money and candy to recruit.)

Inner Peace

Inner peace has been more elusive for people than national and international peace.   After being in the field of mental health, I have concluded that there are both religious and non-religious people who will never have inner peace even if it hit them in the face because they do not have an understanding of what it is and how to practice it . . . nor are they willing to begin to practice it.

I think that inner peace essentially means not having anxiety and having contentment.   Some web sources use the terms inner-harmony and balance.  I think that it is not a tangible state or something that you hold in your hands, but it is a combination of perspective and practice that you and I engage in.

I think that a person who demonstates inner peace is able to be still and sit still most of the time.  A person with inner peace has perspective as to the larger picture.  A person with inner peace is able to be calmer when a problem occurs. 

Notice, I said "calmer" because there are going to be days when the person with inner peace is going to have a bad day with crises and stress and tension.  A person with inner peace is still human with faults and limits.

The absence of inner peace

People who do not demonstrate inner peace are always tense and cannot sit still.  They talk about what they hate and what they are bothered about all the time.  The imperfections in things around them bug them.  They worry and make it clear that they worry.  They justify their worry as it being a family trait.   

I remember an experience where I was conducting a therapy group and putting some drink powder in my water bottle.  It clumped up at the bottom, and a patient across the room expressed distress and irritation about it.  I had a big lesson about inner peace--that patient did not have it--it was my bottle of water and it was not hurting her.

Many people who are big-time worriers are also survivors.  They keep their worry to themselves and they will often somatize their feelings, which means more headaches and stomachaches.

People who also lack inner peace tend regularly to engage in different negative thought patterns that include:

• People Pleasing (including trying to please the grouches in your family)
• Walking on Eggshells
• Believing that they cause the feelings of others
• Caretaking and rescuing
• Catastrophizing (everything will turn out for the worst)
• All or nothing thinking
• Dwelling on the past (primarily hurts and failures)
• Perfectionism
• Personalizing and inappropriately taking responsibility for the problems of others
• Believing that you should always be doing something.
• Believing that you should always be doing it better

Beginning to practice a sense of inner peace

When I was in seminary, I admired a classmate by the name of Tim.  Tim was able to sit down and take his break and be quiet.  I had a difficult time sitting and being quiet at that time.

Of course, I saw different Bible passages such as

• John 16:33

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (NIV)

• Psalm 29:11

The LORD gives strength to his people;

the LORD blesses his people with peace. (NIV)

and of course Isaiah 9:6-7
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I do believe that there is a peace to be gained in having a personal relationship with God by placing your faith in Jesus Christ. If you want to read more about it, go to this link or URL:
http://rbc.org/personal-relationship-with-god/

Mind you, there are many who would identify themselves as Christians who have a personal relationship with God, but they do not have a sense of inner peace.  I have known lots of anxious people in churches who appear to be at anything but peace--I have been among them in the past. 

Anyway, I began to ask myself, how I could be more like Tim?   It has been a long journey in practicing peace inside of me.  Of course I have been a person of faith for most of my life, but I had found myself always being stirred inside--I had so much going on inside my brain and I struggled with what was and was not a waste of time.

I think that developing inner peace also includes changing what you do to practice a sense of faith.  Faith is what takes over when your knowledge stops.  I think that developing a sense of inner peace aside from religious faith means changing to practice a philosophy that includes:

• Surrendering to the reality that everyone has limits (especially you)
• Sitting still and resting is required to be able to do things well
• You have to take care of yourself too.
• You cannot please a grouch--they enjoy being grouchy.
• Everyone is responsible for their own feelings--you do not make anyone worried or angry
• You decide if you are going to worry or get angry.
• Help if you can, but allow others to fail
• The worst rarely happens
• Things are neither all bad or all good
• Dwelling on your past hurts and failures rarely helps you be better today
• Very few if anything is perfect in this world
• You can only be responsible so much 
• There is only so much analysis that is worthwhile and usuable--too much analysis becomes worry about stuff outside of your control.
• The control that you and I have only is in the moment and is over what we do.

It is a long list of things that a person can do to center themselves and practice inner peace.  I think that practicing peace does not mean that we do all of these things at the same time, but we do things one moment at a time as the different situations come up.  Life is not that complicated--when you and I live it, we live it one moment at a time and one day at a time.

In light of that, I have came to appreciate the 12-steps programs emphasis of "one day at a time" and their emphasis of the  Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer (primarily the first part) :

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer is a way that helps people focus on stuff like the list.  I am aware that many people in recovery from addictions and codependency pray the Serenity Prayer many times a day when they are anxious or in emotional pain and it does help.   They are practicing serenity as they need to while living their lives.

Wrapping it up:

Christmas in itself does not guarantee that you are going to have peace.  In a theological sense while Jesus Christ gives a peace that the world does not give, it is still up to believers to accept the peace and practice it.   As the holiday season has evolved into a commercial spectacle, it has told people more than not is that they are supposed to have peace, but there is little to no answer on getting.

Some people never really practice faith in a way that gives them inner peace.  They want to control instead of admitting and surrendering that they cannot control and are a human being.   They continue to be in pain over the way they continue to act the way they do, but they remain a slave to it.   

There are a few lucky ones who seem to automatically seem to have peace inside of them.  The rest of us who want it have to practice it. 

Tomorrow, as a continued exploration of peace, I plan to expand on the matter of regrets.