Peace in the Quiet on Christmas Day

Well, today is Christmas Day, a day where we remember the coming of the Prince of Peace.  The world around me seems quiet.   It is not all quiet as the news had stories about two churches in Africa being bombed by Islamic groups.  But for me the freeway that is about 120 feet away is quiet and I have not heard any sirens.  The traffic was light to church and back.   

The children got along for the most part until they had some typical sibling rivalry while playing Wii before church.  Except for the dishwasher and television, the house is quiet as we settle down to quiet time and naps.

At church we sang I heard the bells on Christmas Day. I saw someone roughly a century and a half ago struggling with the issue of justice and hate on Christmas Day. 

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

The author's encounter with God comes through the ringing of these bells in that the music (not words speak to him):

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men
Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Given my journey and my expectations, I can look at today and say that the silence will be good today.  As I reflect, it has not always been good.

The silence and quiet is sometimes scary

For silence to be enjoyed there often has to be peace within a person, and of course one of the phrases is "peace on earth and good will towards man."  People hope and expect to find peace at Christmas, and religious faith does not always seem to cut it.

However, peace depends on one's expectation.   If our expectations are not met and we are not feeling a sense of contentment, we will likely feel unsettled and uncomfortable inside.  The silence often is uncomfortable as we feel the anxiety.

I have came to decide that there is an emotional continuum when it comes to silence and being alone.

Need                       Ambivalence                                   Need
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Privacy                   Content                                            Loneliness

At one end is need where we seek privacy and we set boundaries and be by ourselves.  At the other end is the need for people and we are feeling lonely.   In the middle we have a point where we at a relative sense of peace and we are ambivalent or we could care less about being around people.

It has been my opinion that when we have anxiety and pain, we generally have a difficult time being alone with our thoughts and we cannot stand the silence.   When leading therapy groups over the years, I have seen people start to giggle nervously when the room grows quiet--their anxiety was too high to be able to stand the silence.

We also are more likely to feel lonely when we are thinking about our regrets, our hurts, and our unfulfilled expectations.  If someone is a survivor who is guarded and stays away from people, the loneliness may be more intense than they would care to admit, but they are able to make it look they just need more privacy.

Peace is a choice and a priority

As I have noted elsewhere in these blog posts, we have choices.  We have choices with our activities, words, and thoughts.  Peace within a person is a choice.  Sometimes it takes work and practice.
In a sense it is an act of faith.  Too many people think that if they let their guard down, they are going to miss something. 

Not everything in this world is too important to miss.  Everything will have its importance at one time or another.  Everything cannot be of equal importance at the same time. 

Furthermore, not everything demands attention at this time.  We usually can prioritize matters as to when they are due.  It is amazing how much more peace and comfort people feel when they prioritize.

Too many of us dwell on the pain of the past.  It is only as important as we prioritize it.  We will remember it, but dwelling sometines makes it too important and we disrupt our inner peace, afterall, we can do nothing to resolve the past--it is gone except in how we remember it.  Dwelling on the past can create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Tomorrow has yet to come.  We will deal with it when we get there.  Worrying about it can also create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Today only has to be as complicated as we make it.  In the uncomplicated present we can deal with it to a relative satisfaction and we can create some sense of peace even with a dying relative or a toxic relative drinking their fifth beer and getting belligerant.

As usual, I can do this for me, but I cannot do it for you.  I hope that you are able to choose and find peace in the quiet of this Christmas Day.

It is not always about you.

In the past I have had a number of clients/patients who were obsessed because their significant other's parent never accepted them. Birthdays, Sunday dinners and holidays were all days of frozen emotion and discomfort because the client was not made to feel welcome.

I came to conclusion after several years that the client took things too personally.  They were stressing themselves out.

Taking it too personally

As children, we tend to be very self-centered.  If someone develops in a healthy fashion there is a strong likelihood that you will get those balanced messages from your caregivers and families that the world does not revolve around you and that the things that other people do having nothing to do with you.

However, many people grow up with a variety of messages that are blaming when they reported things back to their parents.  Anxious and overly self-conscious immediate demand of children: What did you do?
Note an example:

Child: Mom, Ms. Ferguson yelled at me when I passed by her house and told me to get away.
Mom: What did you do????  What did you say???

Now, Ms. Ferguson may be a total bitch with anger management problems who has little patience for children.  She may be the neighborhood busy-body who needs to go and get a life, if she hasn't burned too many bridges.  If mom has no backbone, she drills the thought into her kids that they are to blame for all of Ms. Ferguson's complaints.  She raises paranoid and people-pleasing kids into paranoid and people-pleasing adults who are probably going to go to therapy and get put on medication.

Too many people take personal responsibility for the family holiday gathering to be perfect.   They usually feel like a failure.  Very few things in this world . . . if are perfect.  They beat themselves up that they could not succeed.  Well, the average family gathering is going to have some glitches.  Some more than others.


Seeking balance

I think that people want discernment and wisdom in dealing with the behavior of family members and potential in-laws.  People want to know that they haven't done anything wrong.  People also want to avoid making people mad.  People want to be at peace with the way they do things.

I think in seeking balance, there is the need to have faith and confidence in principles of human behavior and relationships.
Here are some of  my principles in seeking balance in not taking things too personally.

1) Everyone is responsible for their own feelings
       a) You are responsible for your feelings.
       b) Others are responsible for their feelings.

2) People get mad for stupid reasons, and just because they are mad, does not mean you must get anxious or upset or do somethings to try to calm them down.

3) There are people out there who have no clue in how to have relationships.
      a)  Some are so self-absorbed that they have no coping ability to meet new people.
      b)  Some people just do not have social grace in saying hello to strangers and visitors.
      c)  Some never learned.

4) You do not have to search to see if people are angry with you.
      a) It is the responsibility of the angry person to tell you if they are angry.
      b) Trying to read minds and faces is a dead end.

5)  Do not expect people to read your mind.  They cannot.

6) Any new place you are going into has a history that was going on before you got there.
     a) There are good things
     b) There are bad secrets that people are trying to protect.
     c) You are walking in to a situation you are going to learn about.

I don't know about you, but I know about me.  I go into places and try to be a good consumer of what I see. I believe that I have a self-confidence of when people are being closed and arrogant and when they have open hearts and are being friendly.  It took me years to figure out how to do this and feel confident.

In the next few days, I will expand on how we can be better consumers and not stress ourselves out when walking into awkward holiday celebration situations, including new in-law situations.