Guilt and Toxic Shame--Challenges and Roadblocks to Peace at Advent and Christmas

I continue to reflect on peace this week and the thought came to guilt and shame.

I do read the Bible daily, and I admit the idea hit me at 5:20 this morning when my cycle through the Psalms stopped at Psalm 51.  For those of you who are familiar with the Bible, Psalm 51 is attributed as King David's confession after he committed adultery with Bathsheba and a few other peccadilloes and then was confronted by Nathan the Prophet.  He asks God to create in him a clean heart and to forgive his sins and states his realization that the proper sacrifice is a contrite heart. 

Over the years I have worked with many patients who struggle with guilt and toxic shame.  Like loneliness, it has been a curiosity to me.  They came to me and my program for relief.  Both guilt and shame can torture someone and keep them from feeling a sense of peace inside. 

Forms of Anxiety. 

Guilt and toxic shame are are both emotions.  I have decided that they are both forms of anxiety.  

To me guilt is a strong form of anxiety that motivates a person to apologize and make amends for what he or she did wrong or perceived to have done wrong.  The powerful physical and emotional strain is not relieved until something is resolved. 

As greatly influenced by John Bradshaw toxic shame is a similar feeling that just says you are bad.  It feels like guilt, but it is not guilt.  In Bradshaw's framework it tends to be the base of addiction.   Much of John Bradshaw's work is about shame and healing shame. He is worth reading at if your interest is piqued. 

In my experience the difference between guilt and shame is being able to identify the source of the feeling.  With guilt one can readily identify the sin or crime.  With shame, one cannot identify a specific wrong whether it be a sin or infraction.  

In my experience most people with shame take responsibility for bad outcomes or think a lot of would-have's, should-have's, and could-have's.  I have seen older adults especially feel shame for the way adult children have turned out. I have seen adults feel shame for not speaking up when they were being physically or sexually abused as children.  

Many people are torn up by toxic shame.  It seems to be why many people are working 12-step programs to stay sober, stay away from addictive behavior, and to maintain healthy boundaries.  A big focus of the 12-step programs is Serenity. Which of course is another word for peace. 

What Should We Do?

The average person cannot hold onto guilt for a long time.  It can poison a life to the marrow of one's bones. The person who is feeling guilty about a specific issue needs to do the best possible to confess, apologize and make or speak amends. Guilt is a good emotion in that it helps us adhere to our moral codes, whether it be the Bible or something else. 

The person who is dealing with toxic shame may need to get some professional help or go to a 12-step group such as Alanon.  Getting clear on deciding how to deal with it is a bit more complicated than can be discussed here. 

Concluding Thoughts: Bringing it Back to Christmas and Advent

Understanding the significance of Jesus's coming to earth in terms of our Peace and Toxic shame is another one of those moments of letting the baby get out of the manager. As foretold by the Prophet Isaiah  . .

There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
    nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
    a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
    We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
    the sins of us all.

7 He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth.
8 Unjustly condemned,
    he was led away.[b]
No one cared that he died without descendants,
    that his life was cut short in midstream.[c]
But he was struck down
    for the rebellion of my people.
9 He had done no wrong
    and had never deceived anyone.
But he was buried like a criminal;
    he was put in a rich man’s grave.

10 But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him

    and cause him grief.  (Isaiah 52 2b-10a New Living Translation)

Christmas reminds us that this sacrifice is a gift that was and is still offered to us today.  God knows our hurt, pain and our regrets.  He knows that some of us struggle with what is going on inside of us.  He still loves us and that love is both symbolized and substantiated by the babe in the manger. 

That love is the forgiveness of our sins and the offering of salvation. If you have questions please post them as a comment, I will be happy to answer them future.