Dwelling on the negative can be what makes Christmas a terrible time. It can masquerade as "reflection" at Christmas, but it may also be nursing a grudge and self-torture.
We are encouraged to be reflecting this time of year. Sometimes the reflecting can be on the meaningful and fulfilling, but sadly it can be on the negative and painful.
The Negative Mental Filter
Many people have a "negative mental filter." When you have a negative mental filter brewing between your ears you are not just reflecting on a problem . . . you are dwelling on it. Many anxious and worrying types are always dwelling on some problem. Many angry people dwell on past hurts.
When someone has a negative filter, their persepctive gets skewed. The negative issue, topic, or object makes everything else seem small. The negative mental filter makes us disqualify the good things.
The classic example of a negative mental filter is the vain 14 year-old who finds a zit or pimple on his or her nose in the morning. They dwell and focus on the zit until it feels like the size of a basketball that will break their neck because it begins to feel so big. They get false validation when an antagonistic peer makes fun of the zit and the 14-year-old will find other negative mental filters to dwell on.
Bringing it to Now
Now that it is getting less than 48 hours before Christmas, there is an opportunity to develop a negative mental filter. Some of us are thinking about the family members we are going to see. Reflecting about them will likely remind us of the past. If we dwell further we start to keep score about what they did and what they did not do. We will think about our previous opinions and hurts.
Many of us will see relatives or in-laws who have been hurtful or abusive in times past. Maybe they have sleighted us and they have no clue that they have been hurtful. Maybe they are addicted and have hurt us in their addiction by stealing from us or forgetting important matters. Then there is the dreaded narcissist or borderline who do not care that they have been hurtful because they think they are the victim and are entitled to special treatment.
In a bizzare sense those who worried about the end of the Mayan Calendar and the feared apocalypse of 12-21-12 may have been able to take a break from thinking about the family crazies. However, now that the apocalypse proved to be another false alarm it is back to business as usual and that can mean dwelling on those evil family members and nursing drudges.
There is a valid struggle here. The hurts are real. Some of these family members were and still are acting lame. We think about them and we feel anger and sadness. With family it is never just one time where there was a problem . . . it is a long string of problems that can include:
The more we think about them and their behaviors and the pain we felt from their behavior, the more likely we will feel anger. The more we think about that anger we run the risk of nursing a grudge.
The Grudge
The grudge is not just any kind of anger. It is a type of anger where we feel self-righteous and where we feel like victims. It is an anger that tends to motivate us to find justice in some manner.
The grudge occupies our mind and takes prominence in our mind as a most important matter. It makes us irritable and more easily annoyed by miniscule irritants around us.
When we are nursing a grudge, it keeps at a simmer in terms of the physical signs of anger. We stay tense and we risk developing chronic headaches and stomach problems. We may develop insomnia because the adrenalin produced keeps us awake like caffiene.
The Irony
The irony is that most of us who have nursed grudges feel like we cannot take our perpetrator head-on and say "I am angry" or "I am still angry with you." We just see too big of a cost. Instead what we do is continue to stuff it and take it out on other family members or we act in passive-aggressive ways. Chances are in our anger expressions we become like the family member who we despise.
It is not necessarily stupid to weigh whether or not you are going to hold your anger or make your statement of anger. The families that we live in can be complicated. Sometimes it sill seems to be the wiser option to hold your tongue and your anger because telling a fool you are angry with them only gets you more trouble.
Possible Options
The best option is to get your mind off of the grudge. That may be difficult this close to seeing them this Christmas. However, the more thought you give something, the more important you make it.
I have written on similar issues in earlier posts and I would encourage you to look back at those if you are looking for ideas.
Maybe reading can get your mind off of your grudge.
We are encouraged to be reflecting this time of year. Sometimes the reflecting can be on the meaningful and fulfilling, but sadly it can be on the negative and painful.
The Negative Mental Filter
Many people have a "negative mental filter." When you have a negative mental filter brewing between your ears you are not just reflecting on a problem . . . you are dwelling on it. Many anxious and worrying types are always dwelling on some problem. Many angry people dwell on past hurts.
When someone has a negative filter, their persepctive gets skewed. The negative issue, topic, or object makes everything else seem small. The negative mental filter makes us disqualify the good things.
The classic example of a negative mental filter is the vain 14 year-old who finds a zit or pimple on his or her nose in the morning. They dwell and focus on the zit until it feels like the size of a basketball that will break their neck because it begins to feel so big. They get false validation when an antagonistic peer makes fun of the zit and the 14-year-old will find other negative mental filters to dwell on.
Bringing it to Now
Now that it is getting less than 48 hours before Christmas, there is an opportunity to develop a negative mental filter. Some of us are thinking about the family members we are going to see. Reflecting about them will likely remind us of the past. If we dwell further we start to keep score about what they did and what they did not do. We will think about our previous opinions and hurts.
Many of us will see relatives or in-laws who have been hurtful or abusive in times past. Maybe they have sleighted us and they have no clue that they have been hurtful. Maybe they are addicted and have hurt us in their addiction by stealing from us or forgetting important matters. Then there is the dreaded narcissist or borderline who do not care that they have been hurtful because they think they are the victim and are entitled to special treatment.
In a bizzare sense those who worried about the end of the Mayan Calendar and the feared apocalypse of 12-21-12 may have been able to take a break from thinking about the family crazies. However, now that the apocalypse proved to be another false alarm it is back to business as usual and that can mean dwelling on those evil family members and nursing drudges.
There is a valid struggle here. The hurts are real. Some of these family members were and still are acting lame. We think about them and we feel anger and sadness. With family it is never just one time where there was a problem . . . it is a long string of problems that can include:
- Not getting invited to a wedding
- Someone obviously getting favoritism
- Getting divorced from our mother or father and marryng someone else and getting sucked into that family
- Favoring one set of grandchildren over another
- Unfair criticism
- Adult tantrums that disrupt weddings
- Failing to come to special occasions such as graduations or baptisms
- Humiliation at family events
The more we think about them and their behaviors and the pain we felt from their behavior, the more likely we will feel anger. The more we think about that anger we run the risk of nursing a grudge.
The Grudge
The grudge is not just any kind of anger. It is a type of anger where we feel self-righteous and where we feel like victims. It is an anger that tends to motivate us to find justice in some manner.
The grudge occupies our mind and takes prominence in our mind as a most important matter. It makes us irritable and more easily annoyed by miniscule irritants around us.
When we are nursing a grudge, it keeps at a simmer in terms of the physical signs of anger. We stay tense and we risk developing chronic headaches and stomach problems. We may develop insomnia because the adrenalin produced keeps us awake like caffiene.
The Irony
The irony is that most of us who have nursed grudges feel like we cannot take our perpetrator head-on and say "I am angry" or "I am still angry with you." We just see too big of a cost. Instead what we do is continue to stuff it and take it out on other family members or we act in passive-aggressive ways. Chances are in our anger expressions we become like the family member who we despise.
It is not necessarily stupid to weigh whether or not you are going to hold your anger or make your statement of anger. The families that we live in can be complicated. Sometimes it sill seems to be the wiser option to hold your tongue and your anger because telling a fool you are angry with them only gets you more trouble.
Possible Options
The best option is to get your mind off of the grudge. That may be difficult this close to seeing them this Christmas. However, the more thought you give something, the more important you make it.
I have written on similar issues in earlier posts and I would encourage you to look back at those if you are looking for ideas.
Maybe reading can get your mind off of your grudge.
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