In keeping with the first Sunday of Advent, I have been mindful of the concept of "hope." Hope is one of the themes of Advent. I think that "hope" is rarely something contemplated or reflected upon the average person's life.
The meaning of the word.
I am not being original in this but according to Webster, hope is a feeling that something wanted is possible, and confidence. Hope is looking forward to the future and does not look backward to the past.
When Do We Hope?
It seems that we hope when we are not in a good spot. We tend to hope when we are not feeling good, miserable, or are anxious. Maybe something bad is predicted or expected to happen (such as a employer laying off workers or the "Fiscal Cliff") and we desire an exception to occur. Maybe a loved one just died and a piece of us hopes that we are in the middle of a bad dream and we will wake up and the person will be there (this is part of the denial stage of grief).
We tend to engage in hope when we are not in control. We hope when an object, outcome or action is to happen sometime in the future. We do not control what happens tomorrow . . . no one knows what happens until it happens.
Sometimes we hope for something that we cannot get a clear timeframe on when something is to happen. Many hope and wait for the love of our life to come. Some of us hope for a job. Some of us hope for the promotion we have worked so hard in our current employer.
Sometimes we hope for the impossible against our better judgment. This usually includes hoping for acceptance from your critical parent. Maybe it is hoping that Aunt Phyllis will at least smile and be nice at the holiday and not find someway to make a scene at your holiday gathering.
When Do We Give Up Hope?
People give up when they are depressed or when they feel that they have been hoping for the wrong thing. It can be bad and then again it can be good.
When someone is depressed, they feel stuck and possibly suicidal . . . and give up hope. Only when they start to feel hope do they recover. I have had many depressed patients who had given up hope and feel that they were up against a big black wall. By accident, years ago I told one patient that I offered them a message of hope and that they could get better. When that patient was being discharged from my program, they said that my offering of hope helped them begin to recover. (You bet I started making that statement a habit.)
On the other hand, sometimes we discover that we are hoping for the wrong things. We find that we are waiting for something that is not going to happen. We then surrender to the reality that it is not going to happen. We grieve and make a choice to move on. (I wonder how many people have gone to Hollywood and then went crawling back to their hometown in humility that their dreams were dashed?)
In reality, many people still keep some of their unrealistic hopes in corners of their minds. Many hope that the estranged family member will return and apologize. Many hope that they can become a celebrity. Many hope that their lottery numbers win. I think that it is part of human nature.
The Spiritual Hope of Christmas
While I have not particularly sought to proselytize, I will say that if you are looking for hope in Christmas, then you probably need to examine the situation you find yourself in.
Christmas is a celebration that is more theological at its core than anything and part of the theology of Christmas is the spiritual hope for the world. In making a general, theological statement, the world is a fallen place where bad things happen, and Christ is the redeemer to save it. Jesus Christ is the hope of the world.
Sometimes we become mindful of how bad we are as people. We think about all of our bad points and how evil and rotten we can be . . . and have been. That is when we can be open to looking for hope in deliverance. The Bible tells us in a number of places within its pages that God loved us first in sending Jesus to earth to be that deliverer, and in him we can have hope and can be made renewed and clean.
It is challenging to look at spiritual matters. Life in the 21st century does not lend itself to spiritual reflection. We are very busy people in the western world who tend to be driven to produce and be busy and not think about the spiritual. We become numb to most matters of hope, and we only end up hoping when our expectations crash. It is usually when our expectations crash, and when logic fails that we are open to the spiritual and the miraculous. We hunger for something that knowledge just cannot fill, and that is the spiritual part of us.
Hope. Real people do it.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
I'm Dreaming of What?
It does not seem like the holiday season here in Louisville, Kentucky USA. It was in the 60's (Fareinheit) today and it was rainy. Yes, there are 21 more days until Christmas and it looks like a late February/early March day in terms of weather. But it is the holiday season and you cannot judge by the way things look outside.
Despite the weather, all of the man-made trappings are out. Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights. People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing that sits in their storage tubs the rest of the year.
The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people. The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio. People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes. Music has a way of bringing on feeling and emotion and can make people laugh or people cry.
I'm dreaming of what?
The power of music leads me to think about how powerful illusions and false appearances at the holiday can be. One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas by Irving Berlin. The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.
The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish. He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either. Christmas Day was actually tough for him because his son died on a Christmas Day in the 1920's. From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell. Yes, he made a lot of money off of it.
Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas. However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it was not real or personal.
Being Real
I think that coping during difficult holidays means looking at what is real and what is illusion. I am not suggesting that everyone be skeptics, because if someone is not having a hang up about Christmas and the holiday they should continue doing what they are doing. However, checking out whether or not you are chasing an illusion can be of value if you are dealing with pain, so you might feel less pain or maybe even feel good.
The primary Illusion in this case mean that Christmas is supposed to happen in such a way also known as
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy it means that a person suffering such distress in such a way is focusing on the "shoulds," "musts," and "oughts." Perfection is unattainable and does not happen.
Who says that things should be a certain way? Sometimes it is a powerful person in our life. But most of the time it is us and what we are choosing to think. We have the power to say what should happen and what should not happen. People judge themselves needlessly against the illusion.
Giving up the "should" often means surrendering and grieving that the illusion is not going to happen. But giving up the "should, must or ought," can also be liberating. The liberation comes from not feeling that the holiday has to meet a standard that is merely an illusion and not real.
If you are grieving a loss this holiday, your holiday does not have to be perfect. It may feel numb and surreal. Things may not exactly taste as good as they would other holidays. You may choose a scaled down menu. You may turn on other music instead of listening to Christmas music, and it is all okay because you are grieving. Grieving is a necessary part of life so we can move on.
For many, Christmas will still be painful and hopefully there can be less pain when people get real and stop chasing illusions that things should be perfect.
Despite the weather, all of the man-made trappings are out. Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights. People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing that sits in their storage tubs the rest of the year.
The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people. The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio. People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes. Music has a way of bringing on feeling and emotion and can make people laugh or people cry.
I'm dreaming of what?
The power of music leads me to think about how powerful illusions and false appearances at the holiday can be. One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas by Irving Berlin. The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.
The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish. He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either. Christmas Day was actually tough for him because his son died on a Christmas Day in the 1920's. From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell. Yes, he made a lot of money off of it.
Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas. However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it was not real or personal.
Being Real
I think that coping during difficult holidays means looking at what is real and what is illusion. I am not suggesting that everyone be skeptics, because if someone is not having a hang up about Christmas and the holiday they should continue doing what they are doing. However, checking out whether or not you are chasing an illusion can be of value if you are dealing with pain, so you might feel less pain or maybe even feel good.
The primary Illusion in this case mean that Christmas is supposed to happen in such a way also known as
perfect.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy it means that a person suffering such distress in such a way is focusing on the "shoulds," "musts," and "oughts." Perfection is unattainable and does not happen.
Who says that things should be a certain way? Sometimes it is a powerful person in our life. But most of the time it is us and what we are choosing to think. We have the power to say what should happen and what should not happen. People judge themselves needlessly against the illusion.
Giving up the "should" often means surrendering and grieving that the illusion is not going to happen. But giving up the "should, must or ought," can also be liberating. The liberation comes from not feeling that the holiday has to meet a standard that is merely an illusion and not real.
If you are grieving a loss this holiday, your holiday does not have to be perfect. It may feel numb and surreal. Things may not exactly taste as good as they would other holidays. You may choose a scaled down menu. You may turn on other music instead of listening to Christmas music, and it is all okay because you are grieving. Grieving is a necessary part of life so we can move on.
For many, Christmas will still be painful and hopefully there can be less pain when people get real and stop chasing illusions that things should be perfect.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Hoping for Inner Peace in a time of discontent
Yesterday was the first day of Advent. While I was doing the nursery with three, four, and five year-old children there was a sermon going on related to Advent. Yesterday was supposed to be the Sunday of "Hope."
From time to time I consider the concept of hope. It is a looking forward to an expectation . . . something that is supposed to be good in your eyes or at least good for you. We have all kinds of hopes . . . some are little and some are large.
In the end, something that is hoped for is supposed to bring a sense of fulfillment or pleasure or peace. Your emotional inside should feel positive and not negative.
Here at the end of 2012 we have all kinds of worries and discontents. In many of our countries the economy is doing badly. War persists in several locations around the world. The news brings us all of it and Marshall McLuhan's global village brings us a sense of insecurity.
Combine the feelings of insecurity and discomfort with Andy Williams singing, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and you are experiencing a contradiction. The feeling of worry and discontent can increase some to make one question personal sanity: Is something wrong with me?
Defining and Finding Inner Peace
I think for the purposes of this blog, inner peace simply defined is an absence of anxiety, a sense of fulfillment, a sense of security, and a feeling of confidence that you have a grasp on things. Inner peace does not make everything better. Inner peace allows you to see a big picture and tolerate the distress and be able to be still.
A warning is noted here: I can find my own inner peace. I cannot find yours for you. I cannot get you over your hump . . . there are no freebies here.
First, I think that people as a rule do not pay attention when they have inner peace. They only know when they feel absence of peace or emptiness. Some of that emptiness comes when there has been a loss that one had centered his or her life around such as a marriage or career, or significant other. I have found a useful exercise to include asking:
For at least now, some people have to ask the question:
I have known, colleagues, patients, acquaintances and family members to stay anxious out of a belief that it is the wise choice. They are the type of people who say "I hope you're right?" They will stubbornly hold onto their anxiety and be "basketcases." They hang onto their worry and anxiety out of some need for control . . . they at least feel they are doing all they can do . . . maybe.
A risky example: Me
For me, I find my sense of inner peace first in my faith. I note that God offers peace throughout the Bible. Jesus told his disciples in John 14 that he gives peace--not as the world gives. I have to surrender from time to time and ask God for peace because I am not always going to find it within me.
I also find peace in my non-religious beliefs. I found that I had been holding negative assumptions that were actually making me feel wretched. When I stopped trying to mind read the thoughts of others and stopped dwelling on the past I actually felt more peaceful. Keeping my mind on the present has a remarkable way of faciliting serenity and a sense of order as I can only do something now--not yesterday nor tomorrow.
I must say that as a human I am not a perfect model of inner peace. Like all humans I have my worries from time to time.
As I look at Christmas and seeking the feeling of peace, I do find that I am dependent on something larger than I am. I sometimes need not to look just at the babe in the manager but also at the courage of a guy named Joseph who learned that the virgin he committed to came up pregnant, and he listened to God in his dreams and acted in faith. He made the obedient choice to stay in the relationship. I get the sense of peace that it is okay that I as a human have tough choices to make where there are risks and some emotional suffering because that is life. Sometimes with the risks come affirmation in strange ways that include
The Bible does not give Joseph's emotional state through this story line, so I can only imagine that Joseph saw his big picture that there was something larger working. It hurt and was humiliating in the beginning, but there were all kinds of acts of God after the fact that affirmed God was present and working, even in possible emotional pain.
I do not know what the future holds, but the Christmas story does have all kinds of complicated side bars to look at. I think that it shows that God is not naive of how complicated our lives are and can be. God is there and he will give people to those who ask for it.
From time to time I consider the concept of hope. It is a looking forward to an expectation . . . something that is supposed to be good in your eyes or at least good for you. We have all kinds of hopes . . . some are little and some are large.
In the end, something that is hoped for is supposed to bring a sense of fulfillment or pleasure or peace. Your emotional inside should feel positive and not negative.
Here at the end of 2012 we have all kinds of worries and discontents. In many of our countries the economy is doing badly. War persists in several locations around the world. The news brings us all of it and Marshall McLuhan's global village brings us a sense of insecurity.
Combine the feelings of insecurity and discomfort with Andy Williams singing, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and you are experiencing a contradiction. The feeling of worry and discontent can increase some to make one question personal sanity: Is something wrong with me?
Defining and Finding Inner Peace
I think for the purposes of this blog, inner peace simply defined is an absence of anxiety, a sense of fulfillment, a sense of security, and a feeling of confidence that you have a grasp on things. Inner peace does not make everything better. Inner peace allows you to see a big picture and tolerate the distress and be able to be still.
A warning is noted here: I can find my own inner peace. I cannot find yours for you. I cannot get you over your hump . . . there are no freebies here.
First, I think that people as a rule do not pay attention when they have inner peace. They only know when they feel absence of peace or emptiness. Some of that emptiness comes when there has been a loss that one had centered his or her life around such as a marriage or career, or significant other. I have found a useful exercise to include asking:
What do you feel like when you are not feeling empty?
For at least now, some people have to ask the question:
What good is your worry doing you?
I have known, colleagues, patients, acquaintances and family members to stay anxious out of a belief that it is the wise choice. They are the type of people who say "I hope you're right?" They will stubbornly hold onto their anxiety and be "basketcases." They hang onto their worry and anxiety out of some need for control . . . they at least feel they are doing all they can do . . . maybe.
A risky example: Me
For me, I find my sense of inner peace first in my faith. I note that God offers peace throughout the Bible. Jesus told his disciples in John 14 that he gives peace--not as the world gives. I have to surrender from time to time and ask God for peace because I am not always going to find it within me.
I also find peace in my non-religious beliefs. I found that I had been holding negative assumptions that were actually making me feel wretched. When I stopped trying to mind read the thoughts of others and stopped dwelling on the past I actually felt more peaceful. Keeping my mind on the present has a remarkable way of faciliting serenity and a sense of order as I can only do something now--not yesterday nor tomorrow.
I must say that as a human I am not a perfect model of inner peace. Like all humans I have my worries from time to time.
As I look at Christmas and seeking the feeling of peace, I do find that I am dependent on something larger than I am. I sometimes need not to look just at the babe in the manager but also at the courage of a guy named Joseph who learned that the virgin he committed to came up pregnant, and he listened to God in his dreams and acted in faith. He made the obedient choice to stay in the relationship. I get the sense of peace that it is okay that I as a human have tough choices to make where there are risks and some emotional suffering because that is life. Sometimes with the risks come affirmation in strange ways that include
- some strange shepherds barging in on your and your wife in the middle of the night telling you a wild story of seeing angels in the middle of the night sky.
- eight days later seeing some old guy holding your baby up and saying some prayer to God that he can now be dismissed in peace because he has seen the salvation, and then some old lady making a prophecy about your baby
- two years later seeing some astrologers coming in with Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh followed by another dream telling you to get out of town because Herod is wanting to kill your son.
The Bible does not give Joseph's emotional state through this story line, so I can only imagine that Joseph saw his big picture that there was something larger working. It hurt and was humiliating in the beginning, but there were all kinds of acts of God after the fact that affirmed God was present and working, even in possible emotional pain.
I do not know what the future holds, but the Christmas story does have all kinds of complicated side bars to look at. I think that it shows that God is not naive of how complicated our lives are and can be. God is there and he will give people to those who ask for it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Holiday Grief: Depression.
Many people feel depression at the holidays, grief is looked to as one of those causes. Depression at the holidays can be for many reasons that include Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and a spontaneous episode of medical or non-medical reason, but grief is a big culprit.
I think that when it comes to deciding the cause of depression at the holidays, it comes to the decision of the sufferer. Many people who are depressed dwell on and reflect about grief, loss, and regrets, but it does not necessarily mean the grief is the cause. It usually takes a bit of discussion and hearing the story, but getting to the intended topic, this post will talk about the grief stage of depression and how depression is connected with grief.
The Stage of Depression
When it comes to the depression stage of grief, a person realizes that there is no bargaining and that they are stuck--the loss happened and there is no going back. In the death of a loved one, the bargaining usually seems to be short. In terms of a relationship-loss you see that the relationship is done, the marriage is done, the divorce is final. The depressed phase can go on for a long time.
With depression, there is a diminished functioning. The feeling is dark. There is a hole in your life. You do not feel like doing anything and nothing sounds good.
One example of the depressed phase was a couple I knew who lost an adult child in a car accident did not answer the phone for a long time. They just were not up to talking to people.
A second example was a woman who had her mother as her best friend then lost her mother. She not only lost her mother but she lost her friend. She had no one to talk to. She had a need that was not being filled. She was stuck in depression.
Eventually, this stage ends if the person is able to start exploring and find a way to move on, and heal. A person moves to acceptance and finds a way to live again and find a way to meet needs. I plan on talking about moving from depression to acceptance in the next post or two.
Being Stuck in Anger as a Cause of Depression.
One other connection between grief and depression has to do with anger. If you cannot handle the emotion of anger and happen to be either one of those who live in denial, or guilt, you will likely eventually feel depression because you will get worn down.
Over and over again in my career I have met children and adults who have said "if only I had . . .." They have blamed themselves over and over again for a negative outcome such as a death or other loss. They assumed what the truth was . . . and the assumption was merely an assumption where the alternative was never, ever going to be learned; if the alternative did happen, there was no guarantee the loss was going to be prevented. Part of my work as a counselor has been to allow them to tell their story and then look at the truth, and then forgive themselves for being human who can never know everything.
A second scenario that I have heard over and over again is people who just cannot allow themselves to be angry. They are afraid to be angry. The images of abusive family members combined with low self-esteem just make anger to feel like a sin. Maybe they were just too codependent and had no time to get angry because everyone needed them. I essentially have had to encourage this type of person that anger is okay and that they likely needed to take a ride on the wild side and allow the feeling . . . anger will not mean that they will go out and start a world war, nor did it mean all else was going to be put on hold. I am not sure how successful I have been in these cases.
What are we suppose to do with this?
I have concluded that feeling depressed is okay especially when you have identified that you are grieving. Feeling depressed is going to be a part of life and a task was going to be feeling it.
If you are going to be depressed, you had probably be civil to the people who care about you. I think that there is no shame in feeling depressed when the rest of the world wants to deck the halls, rock around the Christmas Tree, and roast chestnuts over an open fire. You are not necessarily being a jerk . . . unless you really are being one.
While there is a general desire to withdraw and stay to yourself, being healthy should be a priority. Taking care of yourself and seeing that you are eating and exercising and trying to keep your mind engaged in something is appropriate. Also, you may have to push yourself to be around people and stay off to the side quietly and let the merry ones be vicariously merry for you when you are depressed.
Suicide is NOT Okay nor a Solution to Problems.
For the record, there are two types of depression: clinical depression and situational depression. I have been discussing more of a situational depression. However, depression can get to be of a clinical nature where a person's functioning level declines that includes
- inability to sleep,
- eat too much or not eat anything,
- concentrate,
- take baths,
- be around people,
- enjoy anything
- and take care of personal affairs.
The depression can include feelings that all is meaningless, and there is nothing to live for. A depressed person may give consideration to the following suicidal thoughts:
- Others would be better off without me.
- I don't want to be here.
- I want to die
- I want to commit suicide.
It becomes a big concern when someone starts to think of a plan as to how they are going to kill themselves. Some people ponder overdose, firearms, car accidents, stepping out in traffic, and jumping. Some people are passively suicidal such as by drinking with their medication and failing to manage a chronic illness such as diabetes or blood pressure. Some people try to be subtle such as by getting into fights and getting a law enforcement officer to fire at them (often called suicide by cop).
Despite the different countries and states that have approved physician-assisted suicide, it is the opinion of this writer that suicide is not okay. Even though we all will die one day, our job is to live, and I hope you are reading this because you want to live and live as well as possible.
If you are entertaining thoughts of wanting to die, I would encourage you to hang on. There is always something to live for and there is always a reason to live. There are people who care and value you.
Even religious people get depression---it is not a spiritual failure. Situational depression can wear down on a person to the point where medication and/or treatment may be needed regardless of faith or fervor.
If you go for treatment to professionals, you are not going to get a shocked look, nor are you going to get shamed. Mental Health professionals see depressed and suicidal people all the time. They (including myself) are interested in being professional and respectful, and in delivering effective services to help people recover.
I would encourage you to talk to your clergy, find a professional or go get an assessment at your nearest psychiatric hospital. If you live in the United States you can call the National Suicide Prevention Help Line at
1-800-273 TALK (8255)
or the SAMHSA Referral line
1-800-662-HELP (4357).
I hope that this helps. Leave a comment if you have questions.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Holiday Grief--Bargaining . . . it's not just for shopping
I have been reviewing grief at the holiday. The third stage of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's model of grief is "bargaining." Bargaining is a way of trying to regain control.
Typical Bargaining
When we are bargaining we are trying to find a way
From my experience we don't bargain so much when there has been a death, but people tend to bargain when there has been a break-up or divorce.
The bargaining can be quite complex. At its simplest, two people such as a couple who has broken up bargain between each other over the long term whether reunification is possible. An example of a more complex situation is a kid bargaining between his or her parents and attempt to reunify his or her parents by acting out or trying to arrange for family gatherings.
The bargaining usually ends in depression when the bargainer realizes that the bargaining is done and the toothpaste cannot be put back into the tube. It is hard to stop bargaining because of the loss of investment. There is a piece of you and me in the loss that cannot be recovered and thus bargaining can surprisingly last a long time.
It has been my experience that people are not necessarily aware that they are bargaining. On numerous occasions I have heard clients tell their story and it is evident that they are invested in bargaining . . . and have been for a long time. They present the situation of being stuck in conflict with the estranged or ex-spouse/partner/significant other. The standard line is to suggest that they are bargaining and they stop engaging in that bargaining behavior. The result is not necessarily going to provide liberating relief, but it likely exchanges one toxic pain for pain that is antiseptic and cleansing
What it might mean for the Holidays
I think that bargaining at the holiday may include trying to get the family to engage in old traditions that had involved deceased loved ones or estranged family members. This kind of bargaining may mean trying to regain the nostalgic good feelings and sense of belonging that old traditions brought. If mom had been responsible for Christmas and she is now gone, you may find yourself trying to bargain with other family members about how to celebrate Christmas. You may find yourself talking to the wall when it comes to your other surviving family members because they are just not ready to have Christmas.
If this is your case, you may find that you will have to create your own Christmas in a non-traditional way. You may find yourself engaging in different activities to celebrate and keep Christmas. I would say that despite the awkwardness, experiencing Christmas in different ways can provide some sense of fulfillment and meaning despite losing the former sense of belonging that was had with family.
Closing Thoughts
This has been a brief discussion of bargaining as a stage of grief. It is a difficult step and it usually results in only more pain. Ending the bargaining does not guarantee that you will feel better, but hopefully less pain. Stay tuned.
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Typical Bargaining
When we are bargaining we are trying to find a way
- to regain what once was
- or to regain control.
From my experience we don't bargain so much when there has been a death, but people tend to bargain when there has been a break-up or divorce.
The bargaining can be quite complex. At its simplest, two people such as a couple who has broken up bargain between each other over the long term whether reunification is possible. An example of a more complex situation is a kid bargaining between his or her parents and attempt to reunify his or her parents by acting out or trying to arrange for family gatherings.
The bargaining usually ends in depression when the bargainer realizes that the bargaining is done and the toothpaste cannot be put back into the tube. It is hard to stop bargaining because of the loss of investment. There is a piece of you and me in the loss that cannot be recovered and thus bargaining can surprisingly last a long time.
It has been my experience that people are not necessarily aware that they are bargaining. On numerous occasions I have heard clients tell their story and it is evident that they are invested in bargaining . . . and have been for a long time. They present the situation of being stuck in conflict with the estranged or ex-spouse/partner/significant other. The standard line is to suggest that they are bargaining and they stop engaging in that bargaining behavior. The result is not necessarily going to provide liberating relief, but it likely exchanges one toxic pain for pain that is antiseptic and cleansing
What it might mean for the Holidays
I think that bargaining at the holiday may include trying to get the family to engage in old traditions that had involved deceased loved ones or estranged family members. This kind of bargaining may mean trying to regain the nostalgic good feelings and sense of belonging that old traditions brought. If mom had been responsible for Christmas and she is now gone, you may find yourself trying to bargain with other family members about how to celebrate Christmas. You may find yourself talking to the wall when it comes to your other surviving family members because they are just not ready to have Christmas.
If this is your case, you may find that you will have to create your own Christmas in a non-traditional way. You may find yourself engaging in different activities to celebrate and keep Christmas. I would say that despite the awkwardness, experiencing Christmas in different ways can provide some sense of fulfillment and meaning despite losing the former sense of belonging that was had with family.
Closing Thoughts
This has been a brief discussion of bargaining as a stage of grief. It is a difficult step and it usually results in only more pain. Ending the bargaining does not guarantee that you will feel better, but hopefully less pain. Stay tuned.
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Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Holiday Grief--Yeah Anger is often a part of it.
I am on the second part of discussing the grief process. I am reviewing the Kubler-Ross model of five stages. Yesterday I discussed "shock." Today I discuss "anger."
Anger as a stage of grief includes lots of analysis and searching. It is a time where we are looking for who or what is to blame. We are angry at
I am not exactly sure that anger will always be a part of grief. As I look at my own feelings, I was expecting my grandmother to die. She was 101 years old. She was not going to live forever. I think that I was prepared, and I can honestly say I am not feeling anger about her passing.
When the anger becomes a problem?
Anger becomes a problem when the person has anger management problems. They either are impulsive and aggressive or they stuff it. As a result of the impulsivity or the stuffing of anger, there is a consequence.
Bringing the holidays back into discussion, the anger can get in the way of taking part in holiday functions with friends and families. The anger can make anyone to act like the mythical but iconic Ebenezer Scrooge.
Anger as a Feeling
In its essence, anger is an emotion that signals the body to act. Anger tells the Adrenal Glands to produce Adrenalin and wake up the body. The body gets tense and wants to get moving.
Anger also has many flavors or types. The flavors depend on the person and the situation. Some of these anger flavors include:
Anger is not exactly rational. Anger is more of an impulse reaction to what is perceived or seen at the moment (also called triggers). As humans we tend to get angry first and then pull back to assess.
If we tend to be focused on and dwelling on anger, we are one big energy ball and we will not necessarily be thinking with our rational brain. Even though there may not be a legitimate threat to our welfare or safety we can still be angry.
Anger produces an interesting paradox, the body wants to get moving and the mind may still hold back making for a metaphorical spinning of the tires. There are people out there who are not in touch with their anger and have no insight as to why they are angry and while they are stuck.
Being chronically anger can cause relationship and physical problems of various kinds. The human body was not made to stay suspended in a state of anger because of what the metaphorical build-up of static electricity. An angry person is not an attractive person to be around because they give painful shocks to everyone around them.
Getting through this stage--no easy answer
In my opinion I think that the first step to getting out of the stage is admit that you are in it. The person who has the most difficult time in doing this is the one who has low self-esteem or feels that they cannot be angry. While it can feel like a failure to admit having anger, it can also be a relief to admit that you are human.
The second step is to start expressing the anger in healthy ways through talking about it or drawing, or your other favorite, non-destructive method.
The third step often is forgiveness. Humans are going to fail themselves and others. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but letting go.
Sometimes people have to be intentional in this but for many the anger comes and goes. Most people do not necessarily need to see a therapist to talk about grief and loss because they know how to use the people in their lives.
Regarding the family . . .
Last year, I wrote a somewhat substantial entry on dealing with the family when it comes to anger. If you want to read more about how the family can be part of the problem or get ideas on how to deal with your family, you can go back to it at this link: http://holidaysurvival.blogspot.com/2011/12/anger-underestimated-stage-of-grief-at.html
Closing Thoughts.
I have yet to say that having anger in the grief process is okay. Well . . . it is. It is not the end of the world if you do have it. You just have a choice as to what you are going to do about it. Hopefully, I have given you some basic ideas to help you if this applies to you.
Anger as a stage of grief includes lots of analysis and searching. It is a time where we are looking for who or what is to blame. We are angry at
- ourselves (and feel guilt)
- the deceased/absent one
- anyone who is related to the situation
- anyone who we believe is responsible or being insensitive
- anyone who just happens to be there
- God.
I am not exactly sure that anger will always be a part of grief. As I look at my own feelings, I was expecting my grandmother to die. She was 101 years old. She was not going to live forever. I think that I was prepared, and I can honestly say I am not feeling anger about her passing.
When the anger becomes a problem?
Anger becomes a problem when the person has anger management problems. They either are impulsive and aggressive or they stuff it. As a result of the impulsivity or the stuffing of anger, there is a consequence.
Bringing the holidays back into discussion, the anger can get in the way of taking part in holiday functions with friends and families. The anger can make anyone to act like the mythical but iconic Ebenezer Scrooge.
Anger as a Feeling
In its essence, anger is an emotion that signals the body to act. Anger tells the Adrenal Glands to produce Adrenalin and wake up the body. The body gets tense and wants to get moving.
Anger also has many flavors or types. The flavors depend on the person and the situation. Some of these anger flavors include:
- Rage
- Hurt
- Sarcasm
- Irritated
- Annoyed
- Frustrated
- Perturbed
- Skeptical
- Critical
- Hate
Anger is not exactly rational. Anger is more of an impulse reaction to what is perceived or seen at the moment (also called triggers). As humans we tend to get angry first and then pull back to assess.
If we tend to be focused on and dwelling on anger, we are one big energy ball and we will not necessarily be thinking with our rational brain. Even though there may not be a legitimate threat to our welfare or safety we can still be angry.
Anger produces an interesting paradox, the body wants to get moving and the mind may still hold back making for a metaphorical spinning of the tires. There are people out there who are not in touch with their anger and have no insight as to why they are angry and while they are stuck.
Being chronically anger can cause relationship and physical problems of various kinds. The human body was not made to stay suspended in a state of anger because of what the metaphorical build-up of static electricity. An angry person is not an attractive person to be around because they give painful shocks to everyone around them.
Getting through this stage--no easy answer
In my opinion I think that the first step to getting out of the stage is admit that you are in it. The person who has the most difficult time in doing this is the one who has low self-esteem or feels that they cannot be angry. While it can feel like a failure to admit having anger, it can also be a relief to admit that you are human.
The second step is to start expressing the anger in healthy ways through talking about it or drawing, or your other favorite, non-destructive method.
The third step often is forgiveness. Humans are going to fail themselves and others. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but letting go.
Sometimes people have to be intentional in this but for many the anger comes and goes. Most people do not necessarily need to see a therapist to talk about grief and loss because they know how to use the people in their lives.
Regarding the family . . .
Last year, I wrote a somewhat substantial entry on dealing with the family when it comes to anger. If you want to read more about how the family can be part of the problem or get ideas on how to deal with your family, you can go back to it at this link: http://holidaysurvival.blogspot.com/2011/12/anger-underestimated-stage-of-grief-at.html
Closing Thoughts.
I have yet to say that having anger in the grief process is okay. Well . . . it is. It is not the end of the world if you do have it. You just have a choice as to what you are going to do about it. Hopefully, I have given you some basic ideas to help you if this applies to you.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Holiday Grief: Shock and . . . Well . . . Whatever.
Grief at the holidays is not just feeling depressed and sad. I would say that it is a complicated matter that detracts from what is supposed to be a joyful holiday.
There are different views of grief, and over the next few posts, I will discuss my variation of my favorite view, which is the five stage model of the late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. This view has five stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So from the beginning, I will discuss shock.
You and I tend to live our lives with the expectation and assumption that things will go on and on without change. On the one hand it seems fool-hardy, but this particular expectation and assumption allows us to use our energy for taking care of our needs and ambitions. If we spent all of our time and brain power on the "what if's" we will be unproductive and anxious.
Prepatory Grief
However, there are times where we will engage in preparatory grief where we will do that "what if" thing. We will consider how we will handle a particular loss should it occur. With those thoughts we will get the resultant feelings of stress, despair and sadness. We will eventually come to the present and realize it was just a bad day dream and move on. Sometimes this does prepare us for the sober reality something is going to happen and helps us make sound plans.
Real-Time Grief and Shock
However, when the real loss comes we will go into shock. This is the jolt that our life is disrupted. The destructive power of the jolt varies based on what exactly happened and its significance to you. Our general response is "I can't believe that this is happening."
When it comes to dealing with the shock, I have seen people look like zombies and I have seen people act like the tough athlete who can "walk it off." It all depends on whether you were the one to discover a gory site of a relative having committed suicide with a firearm to the grandmother dying at age 101 due to a long illness, or be told unexpectedly that your employment is being terminated, and the list could go on and on.
To achieve an appreciation of what it means to feel shock and denial, I would direct you back to where you were on September 11, 2001. Within about two hours hijackers seeking martyrdom in the name of jihad crashed four large airline jets into two of the tallest buildings in the world, the magnificent Pentagon, and into the Pennsylvania countryside. As a nation we were in shock and suspense as the security blankets that were the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans stopped being blankets and our lives as a country were irreparably changed.
When we go into shock, our minds and bodies get tense. Our chemicals tend to get off kilter. The world around us can feel surreal and hazy. We lose our appetite. We either cannot sleep or we go to sleep to block out the world. Our minds can become overwhelmed and we can lose the ability to think rationally about detailed and complex tasks. If the shock is severe enough, we stop being able to respond to the flow of life events or maybe not respond rationally, or even do erratic things.
The Response of Denial
Denial is usually considered to be a stupid and childish emotion, but in the context of grief it is common and normal. Denial in grief comes in subtle and unrealized ways. These subtle ways include you
I have had numerous people ask: is there something wrong with me because I have done this. I have felt privileged to tell them that they are just having normal grief.
Rerun, Repeat, Rerun.
Denial does not necessarily only happen one time. It can again slide in later in a subtle ways. It will be up to you whether you will allow yourself to be human and not call yourself names or emotionally beat yourself up.
Stuck in Denial
However, if you are stuck in denial and shock, then there is a problem. I have only seen two people in my career who seemed to be stuck in denial. One was a drug addict and the other had some personality issues. The common theme that I saw was the person had put their whole life on hold and was unable to function in society and was reclusive and dependent on others. Being stuck in denial usually requires the help of a professional, but the two people were not exactly good candidates for therapeutic change.
In Closing . . .
As I expect to repeat through this blog, grief hurts. In the stage of denial, we can look and feel absent minded. I think allowing ourselves to be human means granting ourselves permission to look goofy in the name of grief.
A survivor does not allow him or herself to be a human being and feel goofy and silly, but in the name of being healthy there is really nothing to lose in looking at this through the eyes of other people. They look goofy and absent minded when they are having grief, and you will too, and usually the only score card is the one you are keeping--the vast majority people in this world are not going to judge you. (Dealing with the few who are is going to be the subject of another post).
There are different views of grief, and over the next few posts, I will discuss my variation of my favorite view, which is the five stage model of the late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. This view has five stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So from the beginning, I will discuss shock.
You and I tend to live our lives with the expectation and assumption that things will go on and on without change. On the one hand it seems fool-hardy, but this particular expectation and assumption allows us to use our energy for taking care of our needs and ambitions. If we spent all of our time and brain power on the "what if's" we will be unproductive and anxious.
Prepatory Grief
However, there are times where we will engage in preparatory grief where we will do that "what if" thing. We will consider how we will handle a particular loss should it occur. With those thoughts we will get the resultant feelings of stress, despair and sadness. We will eventually come to the present and realize it was just a bad day dream and move on. Sometimes this does prepare us for the sober reality something is going to happen and helps us make sound plans.
Real-Time Grief and Shock
However, when the real loss comes we will go into shock. This is the jolt that our life is disrupted. The destructive power of the jolt varies based on what exactly happened and its significance to you. Our general response is "I can't believe that this is happening."
When it comes to dealing with the shock, I have seen people look like zombies and I have seen people act like the tough athlete who can "walk it off." It all depends on whether you were the one to discover a gory site of a relative having committed suicide with a firearm to the grandmother dying at age 101 due to a long illness, or be told unexpectedly that your employment is being terminated, and the list could go on and on.
To achieve an appreciation of what it means to feel shock and denial, I would direct you back to where you were on September 11, 2001. Within about two hours hijackers seeking martyrdom in the name of jihad crashed four large airline jets into two of the tallest buildings in the world, the magnificent Pentagon, and into the Pennsylvania countryside. As a nation we were in shock and suspense as the security blankets that were the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans stopped being blankets and our lives as a country were irreparably changed.
When we go into shock, our minds and bodies get tense. Our chemicals tend to get off kilter. The world around us can feel surreal and hazy. We lose our appetite. We either cannot sleep or we go to sleep to block out the world. Our minds can become overwhelmed and we can lose the ability to think rationally about detailed and complex tasks. If the shock is severe enough, we stop being able to respond to the flow of life events or maybe not respond rationally, or even do erratic things.
The Response of Denial
Denial is usually considered to be a stupid and childish emotion, but in the context of grief it is common and normal. Denial in grief comes in subtle and unrealized ways. These subtle ways include you
- expecting your deceased loved one to walk through the door,
- buying a Christmas gift for your deceased loved, and
- calling a deceased loved one's phone number.
I have had numerous people ask: is there something wrong with me because I have done this. I have felt privileged to tell them that they are just having normal grief.
Rerun, Repeat, Rerun.
Denial does not necessarily only happen one time. It can again slide in later in a subtle ways. It will be up to you whether you will allow yourself to be human and not call yourself names or emotionally beat yourself up.
Stuck in Denial
However, if you are stuck in denial and shock, then there is a problem. I have only seen two people in my career who seemed to be stuck in denial. One was a drug addict and the other had some personality issues. The common theme that I saw was the person had put their whole life on hold and was unable to function in society and was reclusive and dependent on others. Being stuck in denial usually requires the help of a professional, but the two people were not exactly good candidates for therapeutic change.
In Closing . . .
As I expect to repeat through this blog, grief hurts. In the stage of denial, we can look and feel absent minded. I think allowing ourselves to be human means granting ourselves permission to look goofy in the name of grief.
A survivor does not allow him or herself to be a human being and feel goofy and silly, but in the name of being healthy there is really nothing to lose in looking at this through the eyes of other people. They look goofy and absent minded when they are having grief, and you will too, and usually the only score card is the one you are keeping--the vast majority people in this world are not going to judge you. (Dealing with the few who are is going to be the subject of another post).
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