The Bizarre in our Families at Christmas

Right now in my life, I am dealing with some bizarreness.  I cannot go into details about it here, but it is reminding me of past bizarre times at Christmas, and it does make me think about how surreal and weird, our own families can be.  Coping with the bizarre can make or break a Christmas.

In my field, when people think of bizarre, they think of a psychotic person either displaying disorganized thinking or verbalizing their delusions.   Maybe someone is angry for something that you cannot put your finger on.  However,  without the clinical psychosis and neurosis, there is enough bizarreness in our families to make us feel uncomfortable and disappointed that Christmas wasn't perfect.

The Frog in the Kettle

As members of our family, we typically either become numb or used to our families.  We are like that frog in the kettle.

Frogs can tell the distinct difference between hot and cold temperatures, and so if you throw a frog into hot water, the frog will jump out immediately to escape.  But if the temperature is gradually raised from cool to boiling, the frog will be boiled to death because it does not have the ability to distinguish gradual temperature change.

In this case our families get a different look from us because they are our families.  We wonder why something is strange and we cannot put our finger on it and we blame ourselves for making our family members mad.

A Personal Experience

We typically see the weirdness or strangeness in other families or new family members.  I remember going to Christmas Dinner 17 years ago at the father of my wife's great uncle. 

The great uncle was remarried after being widowed.  His wife's family sat there playing their hand-held video games and totally ignored us as we sat there waiting for dinner.   They just stayed to themselves and made no attempt to introduce themselves or be social.   I made one attempt to introduce myself and it was like talking to a wall as they said NOTHING.

I and my wife's side of the "family" ate in one room and the other side of the family ate in the other room.  While there was a "honey baked ham" and some other fine food, it was kind of like eating gravel because there was no sense of love and belonging.  I do not remember us staying long because there was just nothing in common to talk about.

I made a comment to my wife about it later.  My memory is that my wife just said "well, that's just her family."  In all honesty, it was weird, and I have no grief over having not seeing them again.  

Circling Back to Your Own Family

If you have not seen your own family for a number of years and you are getting back together with them, there is a tendency for feeling awkward and bizarre.  If you are the frog, then you are jumping into a boiling hot kettle and you can discern the difference immediately. 

Depending on how much bad blood and unresolved conflict there is in the family history, there will be guardedness and cautiousness.   They just don't know you anymore.

Combine this estrangement with realizing you have self-absorbed people in your family, and you will see that a lot of their behavior will be all about them and their insecurities.  They may make accusations that seem to come out of left field. They might accuse you of thinking thoughts that you haven't thought, and then judge you for those alledged thoughts.  They will then throw a childish tantrum and then storm out of the room . . . whether or not they have had too much Gin or Whiskey. 

Some of the family member tantrums may be rooted in some event or problem that happened decades before, such as how someone behaved at a wedding or funeral.  It can be stupifying why they are dragging something up from that long ago.

Coping with it all

Coping with the weirdness of your family or maybe your new in-laws is not exactly a simple task.  It is a vague task.  It means you have managed your feelings and perhaps have a good sense of humor about the experience.

Our families can be weird

If you are returning to see your family after a long time, it will probably serve well to accept that in the least Christmas will not be perfect.  Our family members will be who they are with their quirks and stupidity. 

There are family members who get drunk and do stupid things.  Alcohol has this way of peeling away judgment as simply as peeling away a banana skin.  

Furthermore, there is a good chance your weird family members will not care what you think after being away for so long.  You are like the prophet returning to the hometown and you will not have the credibility you think you should have (trust me on this one).

Hopefully most of your family members will be well-mannered and civilized but there may be a few who live for the drama and love for things to be stirred up and shaken up.  This is surprisingly normal behavior for families.

You don't have to be right

I have finally understood the significance of Leo Buscaglia 's use of the term "You may be right."  Too many of our family members (including us) have the need to prove ourselves and will not admit that they are wrong.   They will argue their point to the death and will drag up the shameful past to punish you for challenging them and their point of view.   The more insecure the person . . . the more vicious they are, and the more disruptive they are.

There are some people in this world who would rather be right than be with family.  They have strong control needs and will actually run from family because they cannot control.  They will do some weird things in their need for control because it is all about them. 

If you have one of them in your family . . . or several of them in your family, a good deflecting move is to frequently and politely say, "You may be right."  Many times they only hear "you" and "right."   In reality you are not conceding anything because you only said they maybe right.   There is no guarantee that this will work, but it can buy some time.

Have a sense of humor

It seems to me that some of the situational comedies also called sitcoms have some of the most dysfunctional families.  The characters get into each other's business and they do some of the stupidest things.  The difference between us and them is they are in front of a studio audience or have a laugh-trac imposed over them.  Some of our families are like American Dad, Family Guy, Al and Peg Bundy, or The Nanny, or even more like Bob Hartley Ph.D's patients on The Bob Newhart Show.  Laughter can soothe some of the tragic pain.

Keep it clear that you are only responsibility for your feelings and your behavior.

This last skill is a philosophy or belief: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.   It is a total cop out to say to someone "You make me mad."  The person who blames others for their feelings is shirking all responsibility. Chances are, they will be too "pig-headed" to hear from you that you are not responsible for their feelings. 

Beware, if you are holding to this belief, you will have to be responsible for how you react when the relative brings up something from June, 1987 that is totally ridiculous and insane.  I recommend in these cases having a rule of waiting three (3) to five (5) seconds before responding each time you talk.   Anger has this way of making us impulsive and we need to be thinking before we speak.

Closing Comments.

Well, I hope that your Christmas will not be bizarre, but if it is,it will not last forever.  If you want to read more about this, I have written on family dysfunction in earlier blog posts.  If you have the time and want to read even more, I suggest reading Kaplan's  When Holidays are Hell.  You can likely purchase a copy online at Amazon.Com or other online booksellers, or check your own public library for a copy.
 

Feeling Intimidated at Christmas and Fighting Pretentiousness

Christmas as we know it is a feast.  It is made out to be an extravaganza.  It is after all, as the late Andy Williams iconically sang "the most wonderful time of the year."  I have decided that for some it may be intimidating . . . I'm kind of feeling it.

Tonight is a Christmas banquet at our church.   I have previously avoided going to this dinner for various reasons.  Since I happen to be on the Deacon Council I was recruited to buy a table and invite some new church members to be my guests.

However, one of the other deacons who appeared to have sympathy for me told my wife that she would decorate it (we have women deacons at my church--no apologies).  Yesterday, we were not sure if she followed through.  Well, she followed through and she made the table look as extravagant as a charity gala that guests pay $1000 per table to attend.

While my wife and I are thankful, I speak for both of us to say that we are intimidated, which brings us to the subject of this blog.  Christmas and the holidays appear to have become vehicles for showing off your status and wealth, or maybe your pretentiousness.

The Meaning of the Word

Pretentiousness--being or trying to look like something you are not--is a a human temptation.   In our search for self-esteem, we may act like something we are not under the guise of "fake it until you make it."

It seems to me that many of us are frustrated that we do not have what we believe we should have.  Many of our bosses and professors were abusive and stupid and held us back from graduation dates and promotions we felt we were entitled to.  We suffer from having to work for cronies and younger proteges who actually know less than us.   We have been abused and we hurt and one our responses is pretentiousness to soothe our bruised egos. 

However, pretentiousness in the end will likely lead to disaster or a breakdown.    It seems that in the United States the complaint year after year is credit card debt where people will buy stuff (and I do mean stuff) beyond their means and will spend most of the year paying off the balances.   I have seen a number of people on the narcissistic side who bluster and bloviate and after awhile are rightly recognized to be all flash and no substance . . . and no character. 

Regardless, there is such a temptation in the United States to present as more than you are.  Sometimes people feel they have to be pretentious to get ahead in life.  They will buy cars, homes, and clothes beyond their means.  Divorces and bankruptcies are often the humiliating consequences from trying to be more than you are.

Humility Now or Humiliation Later

As I think about the matter of pretentiousness, I am called to be honest with myself and surrender to the truth.   Life is going to be painful at times when you do not have what you think you should have. Other people are going to have more than the rest of us.  Most of us are never going to be part of high society, and we will watch them in the society papers and on the red carpets smile in their fashion and formal wear. 

Reaching a state of contentment may often take a grieving process. We may cry that we do not have what we think we should have.  We may deal with anger over and over again at those people who we believe are the criminals in our past who cheated us out of what we felt we were entitled to.  We may be angry at those family members who favored others over us.   We may cry and feel stuck.  We hopefully can feel our feelings, put the grudges and sour grapes in the cellars and closets of our minds and get on with life. 

Coming Back to the Idea of Christmas.

We come to this holiday as we are.  We come with our feelings and expectations.  We often feel complications in our emotions--after all, life is complicated suffering.   We often wonder where God is when we are feeling so miserable and complicated--I ofter that God is still present.

Christmas in its essence requires only one gift.  It is the gift of God to the world of life.  One of my "Facebook" friends (who is also a professional, stand-up comedian) posted yesterday that he did not believe that God is 100 percent pro-life because Jesus came to earth on a "death mission."  I think that my friend stopped a little short in his analysis as Jesus did not just merely come to die, but also to be resurrected and live again and defeat death for us.  This gift just has to be received through belief.

Regardless of what we do not have and who we are not, God loved us by giving us  the greatest gift of Jesus.  Jesus was born in a barn and his cradle was a feeding trough.  It is a gift worth anything more than what is in the mall, and we do not not have to buy it.  

However, despite the gift of life, it is still difficult at times to fight pretentiousness because we are still in human bodies.  It will probably always be a fight because we are human.

Shopping: the Myth of Just the Right Gift.

Today was a day where my wife had a shopping agenda.  We were going to go to the mall and buy stuff.

We went all over the mall. It had a full parking lot and lots of people. 

In the average metropolitan shopping mall in the United States there is a lot of merchandise you can buy. They make it very attractive for you to part with your money and they offer you lots of choice . . . too much of it.

I think that one of the messages that the retailers at Christmas is that you are going to get that special person just the right gift.  You could spend hours and hours looking with all of the choices present in the mall.

Me, I still do not know what I am going to get people for Christmas. 

Today I go back to the thought that nothing is perfect.   I think it will make it easier looking for presents.

 

Where is Your Head?

Today was a very challenging day. It was hectic in terms of handling some personal matters and it was hectic at my job at a psychiatric hospital.   I also started thinking about finally getting out there and buying Christmas presents.   Going back to bed sounded like a good idea but I was almost to my work.  

Tonight we put up the Christmas tree. I was tired as I rooted around the attic in my garage looking for the plastic tubs.  I put up the crumpled, artificial Christmas tree and did my best to get the lights hooked up.  I found myself feeling apathy because I did not care to look in the tubs at the different ornaments we had.  I found myself saying : at least the kids were enjoying it. 

As I reflect tonight, I find myself doing a Zig Ziglar "check-up from the neck-up."  I have said to myself: "Where is your head."

As I have noted elsewhere the pace of life for the average person in the western hemisphere is intense and hectic.   It is especially so for those living in urban areas.  We spend a lot of time commuting in cramped subways, trains and buses or we are stuck in heavy traffic.  We are pressured to do more with less at our jobs.  We have information coming at us from all directions that requires our response.  We get worn out and burned out and many of us value the weekend to get caught up on our personal matters and business.  Our heads are often tired from all of the intensity.

Then let us top if off with all of the holiday events and expectations.  We have to spend money on gifts to show we care.  We have to go to Christmas events to be sociable.  Combine the additional holiday stuff with our usual intense life and we are overwhelmed and probably think that going back to bed sounds even more attractive.

Let us kick it up another notch.  What if you are not feeling particularly joyful and happy this Christmas due to grief or loss?  What if you are feeling the guilt because your money and credit is tight and you cannot buy the type of presents the way you want to?   Going back to bed sounds even more attractive but it is not exactly a healthy coping skill.

Silence

In light of that, one of my favorite coping skills or coping activities in this time of year is sitting in silence and doing nothing.  While it does not solve the problems, I have found that a time of silence and stillness can be soothing.  

The problem is that it requires you to actually sit and be still.  Sitting still can be a challenge because the intensity and anxiety makes our bodies produce adrenalin which juices or energizes us and we are restless and fidgety.  Furthermore, being silent can be scary because our minds are moving really fast and with rapid thoughts can come anxiety.  Silence is essentially a discipline that has to be practiced . . . and practiced . . . and practiced because you think it holds something for you.

Forgive me for sounding like the late Henri Nouwen, but when I sit silently, I take some control of the moment. Some level of calmness happens. I feel the tension in my back and arms that I had not been in touch with because of my busyness and preoccupation and I can do something about it. I can also think spiritual or mystical thoughts or pray a different kind of prayer. I can be in the moment. I can focus.

Being in Touch with Ourselves.

I think in the rush of the holiday, taking time to be silent and ask ourselves where our heads are can be of great benefit.   But it can also be a risk. The answers to the question are not always pleasant because we might think about the pain, the grief, the loss, the regrets, and the 'what could have been's."   But it takes risk to make gains.

Where is my head now?  Hopefully in a more peaceful place than it was earlier in the day.  

Holiday Illusions: Things Are Not What They Seem

It does not seem like the holiday season here in Louisville, Kentucky USA.  It was in the 60's (Fareinheit) and it was rainy.  Yes, there are 21 more days until Christmas and it looks like a late February/early March day in terms of weather.  But it is the holiday season, you cannot judge by the way things look outside.

All of the man-made trappings are out.  Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights.  People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing.

The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people.  The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio.  People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes.

I'm dreaming of what?

As I think about illusions at the holiday, Music comes to mind.  One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas  by Irving Berlin.   The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.  

The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish.   He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either.   From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell.   Yes, he made a lot of money off of it. 

Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas.  However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it did not appear to be from his heart.

Music has this surprising power over us to change our emotions.  We get sad with songs and we get happy with sons.

Considering Hope: Real People Do it.

In keeping with the first Sunday of Advent, I have been mindful of the concept of "hope."   Hope is one of the themes of Advent.   I think that "hope" is rarely something contemplated or reflected upon the average person's life.

The meaning of the word.

I am not being original in this but according to Webster, hope is a feeling that something wanted is possible, and confidence.   Hope is looking forward to the future and does not look backward to the past. 

When Do We Hope?

It seems that we hope when we are not in a good spot.  We tend to hope when we are not feeling good, miserable, or are anxious.  Maybe something bad is predicted or expected to happen (such as a employer laying off workers or the "Fiscal Cliff") and we desire an exception to occur.  Maybe a loved one just died and a piece of us hopes that we are in the middle of a bad dream and we will wake up and the person will be there (this is part of the denial stage of grief).  

We tend to engage in hope when we are not in control.  We hope when an object, outcome or action is to happen sometime in the future.  We do not control what happens tomorrow . . . no one knows what happens until it happens. 

Sometimes we hope for something that we cannot get a clear timeframe on when something is to happen.  Many hope and wait for the love of our life to come.  Some of us hope for a job.  Some of us hope for the promotion we have worked so hard in our current employer.  

Sometimes we hope for the impossible against our better judgment.  This usually includes hoping for acceptance from your critical parent.  Maybe it is hoping that Aunt Phyllis will at least smile and be nice at the holiday and not find someway to make a scene at your holiday gathering. 

When Do We Give Up Hope?

People give up when they are depressed or when they feel that they have been hoping for the wrong thing.   It can be bad and then again it can be good.

When someone is depressed, they feel stuck and possibly suicidal . . . and give up hope.  Only when they start to feel hope do they recover.   I have had many depressed patients who had given up hope and feel that they were up against a big black wall.  By accident, years ago I told one patient that I offered them a message of hope and that they could get better.   When that patient was being discharged from my program, they said that my offering of hope helped them begin to recover.  (You bet I started making that statement a habit.)

On the other hand, sometimes we discover that we are hoping for the wrong things.  We find that we are waiting for something that is not going to happen.  We then surrender to the reality that it is not going to happen.  We grieve and make a choice to move on.  (I wonder how many people have gone to Hollywood and then went crawling back to their hometown in humility that their dreams were dashed?)

In reality, many people still keep some of their unrealistic hopes in corners of their minds.  Many hope that the estranged family member will return and apologize.  Many hope that they can become a celebrity.  Many hope that their lottery numbers win.  I think that it is part of human nature. 

The Spiritual Hope of Christmas

While I have not particularly sought to proselytize, I will say that if you are looking for hope in Christmas, then you probably need to examine the situation you find yourself in.

Christmas is a celebration that is more theological at its core than anything and part of the theology of Christmas is the spiritual hope for the world.  In making a general, theological statement, the world is a fallen place where bad things happen, and Christ is the redeemer to save it.  Jesus Christ is the hope of the world.

Sometimes we become mindful of how bad we are as people. We think about all of our bad points and how evil and rotten we can be . . . and have been.   That is when we can be open to looking for hope in deliverance.  The Bible tells us in a number of places within its pages that God loved us first in sending Jesus to earth to be that deliverer, and in him we can have hope and can be made renewed and clean. 

It is challenging to look at spiritual matters.  Life in the 21st century does not lend itself to spiritual reflection.  We are very busy people in the western world who tend to be driven to produce and be busy and not think about the spiritual.  We become numb to most matters of hope, and we only end up hoping when our expectations crash.   It is usually when our expectations crash, and when logic fails that we are open to the spiritual and the miraculous.  We hunger for something that knowledge just cannot fill, and that is the spiritual part of us.

Hope.  Real people do it.

I'm Dreaming of What?

It does not seem like the holiday season here in Louisville, Kentucky USA.  It was in the 60's (Fareinheit) today and it was rainy.  Yes, there are 21 more days until Christmas and it looks like a late February/early March day in terms of weather.  But it is the holiday season and you cannot judge by the way things look outside.

Despite the weather, all of the man-made trappings are out.  Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights.  People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing that sits in their storage tubs the rest of the year.

The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people.  The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio.  People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes.  Music has a way of bringing on feeling and emotion and can make people laugh or people cry.

I'm dreaming of what?

The power of  music leads me to think about how powerful illusions and false appearances at the holiday can be.  One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas  by Irving Berlin.   The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.  

The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish.   He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either.  Christmas Day was actually tough for him because his son died on a Christmas Day in the 1920's.    From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell.   Yes, he made a lot of money off of it. 

Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas.  However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it was not real or personal.

Being Real

I think that coping during difficult holidays means looking at what is real and what is illusion.  I am not suggesting that everyone be skeptics, because if someone is not having a hang up  about Christmas and the holiday they should continue doing what they are doing.  However, checking out whether or not you are chasing an illusion can be of value if you are dealing with pain, so you might feel less pain or maybe even feel good. 

The primary Illusion in this case mean that Christmas is supposed to happen in such a way also known as

perfect. 

 In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy it means that a person suffering such distress in such a way is focusing on the "shoulds," "musts," and "oughts."    Perfection is unattainable and does not happen.

Who says that things should be a certain way?  Sometimes it is a powerful person in our life.  But most of the time it is us and what we are choosing to think.  We have the power to say what should happen and what should not happen.  People judge themselves needlessly against the illusion. 

Giving up the "should" often means surrendering and grieving that the illusion is not going to happen.  But giving up the "should, must or ought," can also be liberating.  The liberation comes from not feeling that the holiday has to meet a standard that is merely an illusion and not real.

If you are grieving a loss this holiday, your holiday does not have to be perfect.  It may feel numb and surreal.  Things may not exactly taste as good as they would other holidays.   You may choose a scaled down menu. You may turn on other music instead of listening to Christmas music, and it is all okay because you are grieving.   Grieving is a necessary part of life so we can move on.

For many, Christmas will still be painful and hopefully there can be less pain when people get real and stop chasing illusions that things should be perfect.