Stop Rehearsing Your Come-Backs.

I have both read and heard many people talk about their stress at Christmas regarding being around certain family members who are judgmental, critical, and verbally abusive.   These family members are also nosy and intrusive and trying to get into your personal issues that are none of their business.

It is usually just stressful to be around these family members because of what they have said in the past.   People make themselves even more stressed by rehearsing their come-backs or retorts to these relatives.

Anger has a funny way of motivating to rehearse our lines.

We remember what those abusive relatives said.  We remember the pain and anger that we have continued to feel. We then remember what we said . . . or didn’t say, and we feel the feelings that come with our memories of our failure, which are guilt and anger.

We may also remember the placating and patronizing comments of other loved ones:

• You know how they are . . . oh, just let it roll off your back.
• But they do love you and want the best for you.

Those comments did nothing and still do nothing to make us feel any better.

As the anger mounts, we feel our adrenalin and then resolve not to let this happen again. How dare they get into our personal business and make comments they had no business making! We think  that we have to take things into our own hands because the other family members are not going to come to our assistance.

Then we brainstorm a list of witty or creative comments we could say or might say. We evaluate the different possibilities. We look at the more profane or blue options. We will then think about what the others might say, stick their noses in it, and how they will shame us for what we will have just said.

After we make our lists, we then practice our delivery. We’re not satisfied.  We want the perfect comment that is going to make that abusive and idiotic family member shut up, apologize for all of their previous sins and grovel in repentance. The perfect line never seems to come.

We practice some more. We get frustrated because it does not come out perfectly.

The snowball effect.

Because we are angry some other past hurt comes to the front of our mind from our memory bank. We think about another list of options and rehearse even more.

The anger begins to affect us physically. We get tense. We start to get a little nauseous. We might begin to get the beginning tinges of a tension headache.

At this point we may begin to feel a little overwhelmed because it seems to be rather hopeless. WE FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND WE ARE GOING TO LOOK STUPID AND WE CANNOT STOP IT!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admitting reality and practicing true self-control

I have decided that sometimes surrender is freedom. This is one of those times.

There is a 99.9 percent chance that the abusive, nosy, controlling and meddling people who we are getting all worked up about won't listen.  They will also not admit that they are wrong for what they said.  They are stupid, stubborn and pig-headed. (Maybe we are too.)  No matter how perfect your come-back is going to be, it will fall on deaf ears.

So, many of us are getting all angry, anxious, and tense, wasting our energy on trying to create comments that are not going to do us any good.   We are putting ourselves in an impossible position.

I think in this case surrendering means accepting the a no-win situation.  This rehearsal is actually competing for something that is proving to be futile and worthless--the respect of someone who has no clue on how to give it.    Yep, this particular family member we are rehearsing to shout down isn't bright enough to realize human manners and grace.  We are competing to look stupid if we continue the rehearsal of the come-backs.

This surrender is only within ourselves.  This is self-control and not control of others.  We are not telling anyone that we are surrendering. 

Our hands are not tied

As part of this surrender we are also doing something different.  We just cannot go on rehearsing for something that will either not happen or will not work.  We are making this holiday season a miserable time.  What can we do?  

It is about thinking different thoughts and beliefs, and maybe open ourselves up to a different philosophy.  There is little space and time to give solutions, but here are my "affirmations" that I call therapist tested and approved. I like thinking these and memorizing these . . .

1. ) I trust my brain to come up with answers when the time comes.

2. ) I will take my time in giving answers.

3. ) What do I really have to prove to these people?

4. ) I really do not have to prove anything to these people.

5. ) I have the right not to defend myself.

6. ) Nothing is perfect.

Here is how a person can put this together . . .

I believe that you and I can think of responses when the time comes.  The family gathering is not a show that is going to be on live TV and is not a TV show.  If you are reading this, I hold that your brain works just fine and you can use it to figure out an answer at that time.

If you are challenged, you can take your time and give an answer if you choose to.  Many people feel pressured that they must blurt out an answer.  I recommend that you take control when you take your time to answer.  Maybe you and I have to take 10-15 seconds to answer, but that is perfectly okay.

Furthermore, we are not in competition with these abusive family members.  When we get in competition, we get in a tug of war where there is perceived need to win.  If we don't grab the rope, they will fall on their back-sides and look all the more silly.

Many people may demand an answer about something that you and I am not obligated to answer.  If we slow down, we can determine whether or not we really owe them an answer?  I fully believe that if one of these abusive relatives gets in our face and says:

Tell me.  Why did you do that?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

We can tell them, "I do not feel like I owe you an answer.  Especially if you ask like that."

Lastly, the family holiday is not going to be perfect.  No matter what happens, it is not going to be perfect.  Perfectionism is a pretty stressful place to be because you are never happy with it if you even find it.  Your family holiday and my family holiday is not going to be perfect.  If there is more good than bad to it, then we will be okay.

How you do it is up to you. 

I have hopefully given you some concrete ways of reducing how much you are torturing yourself trying to come up with the perfect come-backs, retorts, or answers when those particular nosy and abusive relatives make comments that are antagonizing, insulting or hurtful.  They are still going to be that way regardless of how you are.    

So, consider stop rehearsing your come-backs.  You will feel less stressed.

Surviving the Anger at Christmas and the Holidays

There is a lot of talk about reflection at Christmas, but I think that in reality, the brain is likely making room for thinking about unfinished business, and that likely means thinking about hurts and anger of the past year and of your life as far back as you are caring to remember. 

The busyness of the season is winding down prior to the actual holiday in four days.  Most of the parties are over.   School is generally out.  People are winding down from the holiday celebrations and settling in for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  The majority of people pretty much know what is going to be happening for Christmas by now.   There may be some scurrying around stores after work to look for gifts and preparing for travel, but otherwise, there is time and place for thinking.

As I discussed yesterday, many of us have been victims.  We have been hurt when we were vulnerable by insensitive and abusive people.  Bosses and supervisors and companies have overplayed the “take it for the team” mentality now and after two years when they are getting bonuses and employees got a chintzy cost of living raise but had the price of benefits increased—it ain’t flying.    The result is our feelings of  anger and guardedness.

Many of us have had our disappointments. Things that we were expecting to have happened during 2011 did not happen.   Of course, the economy has continued to be terrible and jobs have been slow to become available.    We were expecting better and we are frustrated, which is a form of anger.

Some of us continue to have the ongoing saga of anger towards the insensitive and uncaring family members who seem to be self-absorbed, elusive and patronizing.   We spend a few hours with them and then we remember why we do not see them very often—they are total jerks.  They make condescending comments and they act like they are perfect.

The anger can come on quickly like a flood as we are thinking about a number of issues we are angry about.  Before you know it, we are feeling our adrenalin, we are tense and we are more than ready to swear and kick something. 

The problem with anger in this case—no easy solution

As mentioned elsewhere in earlier posts, anger is a powerful emotion that is supposed to help us defend ourselves.  It gives us an adrenalin rush to get up and move quickly to defend ourselves. 

However, for the average adult, there are no easy solutions to the problems with work and family and our other disappointments.  With the anger response in these cases, we also tend to feel hopelessness because we cannot easily think of any black and white solutions to address the situations.  If we dwell on it for several minutes we make mountains from molehills and we lose perspective on what the reality really is. 

Because it is so easy, anger almost becomes like an addiction as someone’s life can become unmanageable.  I think that with the free time a lot of people are going to have over the next few days at least in the United States and Canada, it can become a consuming chemical fire that flashes and burns bright and hot with toxic smoke that chases away others. I think that this is where many with borderline personality have thought and do think about suicide or self-harm because they must have a solution—and one is not going to be found.

Combine that with the holiday themes of peace, good will towards others and joy, and you have a true hot mess on your hands.  You are supposed to be joyful, happy, and at peace.   Why not be alone because no one wants to be with you?

A not-so holiday anger management metaphor: Reeling yourself in

For many of us with anger issues, I have to admit that we will all get carried away with thoughts of anger.  It is what humans do. 

It is a learned skill to be reeling yourself back in.  We chase those imaginary fish that represent all of the evil and abusive people we have been victimized by.  We get snagged on the bottom of memories past when there was a conflict where we may have had some fault in the matter too.  We may feel a bite only to reel the line in to find that the memory of the bait we put out got taken by that slick shyster and we felt taken again all over again.

Dwelling on anger almost seems like a natural impulse for people.  It just seems to come too naturally for people.  It is just too easy and we can get lost in it like a daydream and we chase another fish.  

It is a choice as to what we are going to do in the privacy of our own thoughts. I cannot minimize any person’s past pain from the past.  It is real for me, and it is real for you—we are all likely going to dwell on painful memories and chase another fish through the lakes, ponds and streams of our memories and current situations. 

Most of us either need a confrontation or revelation that while dwelling on the anger of the past recurs more than we would like to admit, it has little practical use to anyone.  It does not make us a better person or a happy person.

How do we reel ourselves in?  It is a commitment to several different strategies. 

• It is a conversation with have with ourselves on a regular basis.
• We remind ourselves that it is not doing us any good to keep thinking about the pain of the past.
• We distract ourselves with other activities and thoughts.
• We watch a show on TV or get on the Internet and play a Facebook game, or put a movie in the DVD. 
• We get outside—weather permitting and go for a walk--maybe down to the open convenience store for one of those fake cappucinos.
• We talk to someone we get along with now.

I have to say that there is no one perfect and 100-percent effective strategy.  If you are dealing with a whole lot of anger, then I would recommend a number of little strategies.  When the thoughts of anger comeback, you will then move to the next little strategy with the understanding more than one strategy will be required during the days off at Christmas.

Victim of yourself

In a countdown sense, Christmas is in five days and Hanukkah starts tomorrow.   In my blog so far I have talked about grief and loss and surviving toxic families. However, I have also talked about personal responsibility, which I come back to tonight.

If it appears that you are merely going to survive a lonely Christmas or  Hanukkah, do you have a plan?   If you are seeing that you are not going to have anywhere to go and you will be alone, then I have to note that the victim role gets old and loses traction after a short period of time.

While I know that many people are lonely and that more people have less money due to the economy, I know that there are options.  There is something that we can do for 24-72 hours to occupy our time and get past the holiday. However, many people will stay in the victim role and be miserable.

The Victim Role

The victim role is a role where the person is attacked or hurt or is manipulated.  The victim role is a valid role as we will all be victims of something in this life.  Everyone will play the fool.  Everyone will get taken advantage of when you get into some (but not all) situations where you are vulnerable.

However, people hopefully learn from the victim role.  In fact, we are inherently expected to learn from the times we have been victims.  Being victimized again and again shows that someone is missing something.

I have had many patients and clients love to play the chronic victim.  I have heard people go on and on as to how they got screwed over and how others just take advantage of them. I have heard a number of people state that they feel that they must be the victim because they had to take care of the loved one or friend. After a while, I got the idea that this "victim" was just making poor choices over and over again--they had power as to whether they were going to continue to be a victim.

The rewards of victim hood. 

I have seen over the years that many people love to play the victim because they get something out of it. They get sympathy and they in turn are able to manipulate others to get something else.  The victim role can also be played as a control position, especially in family and office drama situations.

Self-righteous anger also is a product of victimhood.  Many victims get some kind of feeling of power and a strange sense of superiority that they are better than the perpetrator.  Self-righteousness may buy you some attention from caretakers.

Victimhood has diminishing returns

In my experience, victimhood only gets you so much in the way of reward and begins to have diminishing returns.  Victimhood is often an existential matter--you may be feel you are victimized and the alleged perpetrator may feel they did nothing wrong, nor may they be aware that you felt wronged.  I have had people 'confront' me with some of the most stupid and crazy things they claimed I had done--but I was pretty sure I did nothing wrong.

However, victimhood is like eating the saccharin-based sweetener in the pink packets in many restaurants. The power comes with a price of feeling miserable and having a terrible taste in your mouth.

Personally, I have felt like the victim of other employers, professionals and shady administrators, roommates, and other peers who did not feel that that did anything wrong, but who told me that I needed to be welcomed to the real world.  Some of them seemed to be acting in their own self-righteous distortion.  There have been some strange dramas, but over time I figured that I had to move on in one way or another because I just couldn't waste my energy.

When it comes to Christmas, I hold that continuing to play the victim especially at Christmas is not going to make your Christmas any better--only more miserable.  Yes, maybe some of your family could apologize, make amends, do more, or could have invited you to come, but  I think that dwelling on being the victim is not using your energy to make Christmas a pleasant experience.  You will become a victim of yourself.

Can you get out of the victim mode? 

Some people have learned to play the victim too well.  They know how to play the victim. They have begun to think in terms of being the victim in many aspects of their lives. They go into situations automatically assuming the poor helpless, victim role.  They have become good scouts of situations where they can play the victim, but those situations dwindle over time and they become recluses because they have worn out their welcome.

If you are going to be alone and Christmas is going to be substandard or poor, you have choices. You can think like a victim or think about how you can spend it well.  Maybe you can find some last minute gathering, or get some people together.  Maybe you can get a book from the library, or maybe you can create some personal projects for Christmas.

There are no easy answers and there are no freebies.  It is up to each of us as to how we will make the best of the holidays. Dwelling on thoughts of victimhood is not going to make any of us warm.  What is your plan?

Numbness and Shock at Christmas--when loss happens.

Tonight I got paged at a neighborhood association meeting by my wife.  She rarely has paged me at these things.  I called immediately not truly thinking about what it could be about?

She lost the diamond out of her engagement ring. My first response was that I could buy her another diamond.  She said that she knew but that it very much bothered her because it was a precious item. She had been looking and she had made a Facebook post about it.

I left my meeting after enough of the business had been accomplished. I went home and started to help look for the diamond.  I looked with the flashlight at anything that even gleamed in the beam of the light.

For nearly 18 and a half years, the diamond had stayed in its mount, as I looked at the ring when I noticed one of the claws of the setting had been stretched or snagged indicating that it lost its hold on the diamond. Eighteen years later, in a shock, the diamond was probably gone.

I had some hope.  Maybe it was still in the house. Maybe it on the floor of one of the places my wife went to today on perhaps one of her holiday errands.

Even though it had been more than 18 years I remembered the details as I was looking in the matted down carpet . . . I had bought the diamond at a pawn shop.  The feelings were beginning to come with the memories.

I was fighting the survivor behaviors and had told my mother to shut up five months earlier when she kept trying to voice warnings about being careful about dating the woman I was about to ask to be my wife.   Couldn't mom just shut up and say, "whatever you decide I will support."  No--mom's anxiety just wouldn't let her. My survivor behaviors were walls that I had began to beat down about two years earlier when I asked myself what was really going to matter in my life?

It was a 0.42 carat or half carat.  I was nervous as I looked for the diamond.  I was going against all the survivor messages still going on in my brain.  I was a graduate student about to make an extravagant expenditure.  I had looked at jewelry stores that had a similar diamond for a lot more. 

They told me the price--it was a lot of money but a lot less.  I practically said that I would take the diamond in an impulsive manner.  I remembered in my numbness at the time the pawn broker telling me the name and address of a good jeweler who would mount it in a new setting for a good price.   Those were some days of fear and those were days of courage.

After looking for the better part of an hour, I had to stop.  I looked everywhere possible in my not-so-large house.

The Loss that lead to grief.

I would say existentially that I am feeling numb right now.  Even though I am a mental health professional, the real me is feeling numb.  My wife and I have had a loss.  It is not as significant as the other losses that we have experienced such as the miscarriage of two little boys, it is still a loss. 

We did not expect this loss.  In fact, we assumed that the diamond was going to stay mounted in its setting for life.  A valuable symbol was gone.

We all tend to live with the assumption that life is going to continue to go on and on.  While it sounds foolish, it is actually more wise living under this assumption because we just cannot let our imaginations take our energy that we need for living.  If we do not assume that life is going to go on as normal, we would likely be unable to focus on getting things done and worry about everything and anything and all get anxiety-related physical illnesses.

The effect of loss on a person varies according to the significance of the loss.  If a person loses a pen or pencil, it is usually a cheap item that has little to no value and the person is unaffected.  If a person loses a close and cherished loved one suddenly to death, the shock is paralyzing and the person will stop everything. 

Right now, the diamond is somewhere in the middle.  It is more valuable than a stick ball point pen, but far less important than a family member dying.  Our lives will not end.  We will likely feel a little better tomorrow.

Some people are going through shock and denial right now. 

I cannot begin to imagine what kind of numbness and shock people are going through right now.  Love ones are killed in car accidents.  Loved ones are killed in senseless violent crimes.  Some loved ones might have been killed in war.  Some loved ones died suddenly of natural causes such as a heart attack or aneurysm. 

Sudden loss is the game changer in life.  Everything gets put on hold.  Everything changes.  

The world of the person in shock is surreal.  Christmas music and celebrations do not matter.  Food does not taste good.  Forget about decking the halls and hanging out the holly.  

Thinking is Difficult When You are in Shock.

A person in shock feels tense.  A person in shock is preoccupied and yet at the same time cannot keep thoughts straight.   They may factually know that the loss has happened, but they just cannot believe it at the same time--that is why the first stage of grief is called denial.

A person in shock is likely capable of thinking simple things and not about big decisions.  A person in shock is likely to barely be praying--although many people can because they have practiced prayer.  Overall, it is usually enough that they are moving their feet and taking care of the basics in life. 

Don't give advice when someone is in shock--it is the wrong time.

Too many caretaker types stick their royal feet in their mouths in giving advice. 

Yeah--you are just trying to be helpful . . . but

trying too much to help is actually going to be antagonizing and counter-productive.  
Helping someone in shock requires patience on your part.

Is your attempt to help about meeting their need . . . or is it about your trying to settle your own anxiety?   Too much bad advice has come across as criticism because people just had to open their mouths and say something.

You are better off to check on the person who in shock after a big loss and ask them what they need. Maybe they can tell you and maybe they cannot.

If the person in shock cannot tell you what they need.  You can always come back later and ask again.  You can offer something that you can deliver on, and maybe they will take you up on it.  Just don't offer what you cannot deliver. 

Closing comments

The truth is that loss knows no holiday.  While the holidays are to have peace, joy and good will among people loss can and does happen.   The shock that comes with sudden loss takes away the ability to feel the warmth of the holidays (if it existed to begin with).   Loss is something that we usually do survive regardless of when it comes.  

The Fourth Sunday of Advent: Where is the feeling of the Love?

Today is the fourth Sunday in Advent where the Love Candle of the Advent Wreath is lit.  Of course in the context of the church, it is about the Love of God to give his only son for salvation for those who believe.  The sermon/homily and liturgy is usually about love. The problem is that people just do not feel love

This blog post will reflect on the concept of love and its lack in the life of the survivor.  It is not necessarily about romance and finding that special someone, although it has some implications for romance.

Love is an existential matter

For the purposes of this post is both a bizarre and complicated “thing.”  It is an emotion and it is an action.  What you intend as love is not always recognized and received in love.  Whether it is agape, brotherly love or romantic love, it should be an exchange and a bonding force in our relationship and a feeling of fulfillment. 

What makes Christmas tough when it comes to love is that we do not get the kind of love from our families that

• we may want
• believe we need or
• we believe we deserve.

Maybe expect love to be in the form of presents.  Maybe we expect love in the form of thoughtfulness, phone calls and cards.   Many of us crave love from our parents and other family members.

Just say it!!!!!

For many people, it will suffice for others to say “I love you.”  That is one of the toughest phrases to say.  You are taking a risk to say it to someone.   That means you are admitting you have some kind of good or positive feeling or affection for someone.  To say "I love you" and get rejected is very humiliating. 

I have had many patients who have stated that their father or mother never said “I love you” to them.   These people either lamented that mom or dad never said the phrase, or they resented mom and dad for never saying it.

Why can't they say, “I love you?”

The opinion varies as to why mom and dad cannot/could not say “I love you.”  Mom and Dad may have a number of problems.   Maybe he or she is abusive.  Maybe they have an addiction and are emotionally dead.  

Sometimes mom or dad have a psychiatric disorder.  Maybe it was a personality disorder or Schizophrenia.  Sometimes I think that mom and dads have autistic disorders.  With these disorders, the parents are somewhat rendered clueless as to what children need.

In fairness to the reader, if you are a survivor, it is a fair bet that dad are one too.   I think that it is because survivor behavior runs in families. Instead parents who are survivors are usually critical.  They never can admit that they are wrong.  They rarely tell you that you did a good job.  Instead they only tell you what you did wrong.  Moms and dads who are guarded and who live behind an emotional wall cannot even tell their kids that they love their kids.

If you cannot tell others that you love them take an inventory as to why you cannot.  You will likely identify the same reasons your parents cannot either.

The Quandary

Again, going on what is a fair bet, if you and your family have difficulty saying “I love you.”  As an adult you own some of the problem. You are one of the family who is not saying “I love you.” 

However, if you started staying I love you to your family members, you will probably get an embarrassed look as if you or they expelled some flatulence.   They could look like a deer in the headlights and run away.  Being told “I love you” is scary and intimate and it tends to make survivors run all the more back behind their walls.

A grief and loss situation

This is often a time of grief and loss that your parents or family cannot say “I love you” to each other and is not capable to meet the ideal of being a loving family.  Part of the growth is realizing that your parents are human and have their personal weaknesses. 

Realizing that your family is not going to meet your emotional needs is often a time for crying.  So many would love tenderness from mom and dad. 

Acceptance and moving on

Reaching acceptance does not necessarily make things better for a person, but maybe less worse.  Your parents and family will still be the same.  Your energy will hopefully be freed up from focusing on “why not” and focusing on meeting your need for affection and love. 

I do believe that we have the responsibility as adults to take charge of meeting our needs.  If you are one who is waiting on your family to meet your need of love, you will likely continue to be miserable and disappointed.  

This is not an easy conclusion, but you and I are responsible to giving our lives direction and meaning, and that includes finding people with whom we can love and in turn accept love. . 

What even makes this more complicated is that if you are a survivor who has trouble accepting the love of people without suspicion that people want something.  The reality is that much of the time love is just love at face value.  

There are many people who want nothing more than a relationship.  They do not care if you are rich or poor.  They do not care if you are anonymous or famous. 

If you are survivor you will likely need to take the risk or gamble and let people into your life.  The good news is that we do not do it all at once. 

 Here is how you do it--you go slow.  You start talking about yourself.  You start talking about your feelings.  You let other people choose the activities that you do together.  While this can be scary, it is not like it is a roller coaster ride, but a walk up and down low hills. 

The Self-Help Therapy Lesson of Ebenezer Scrooge

Tonight I watched A Christmas Carol for the second time this holiday season. I saw the 1951 version in black and white a few weeks back and tonight I saw the 1984 versus in color with George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge.

Charles Dickens created in a short time a word for the English language to describe someone who is negative and bitter. Pretty much everyone knows what it means when we call some one a Scrooge, and as far as I know, it may become an international word like Schizophrenia.

Watching the movie and listening to a radio version on Christmas Eve are now yearly events for me. They are perspective-correcting experiences.

In the curse that I call my professional mindset, I see the character of Ebenezer Scrooge as a typical survivor and a workaholic. Apparently, Charles Dickens knew a number of people like Scrooge in the mid-19^th century that helped him create a timeless masterpiece.

This character has a history that many might relate to—including a number of people I know who have become professional psychotherapists and psychiatrists. Sarcasm aside, many of us relate to Scrooge by our own pain or in dealing with those other Scrooges in our life.

Analyzing Scrooge--Many of us can relate

Ebenezer Scrooge had a hard childhood and youth. His mother apparently died giving him birth. He had a father who apparently was angry that Ebenezer's mother died in childbirth and apparently did not give Ebenezer any warmth or tenderness and apparently held a grudge against him.

Ebenezer was sent to a boarding school and then sent to apprentice in a counting/trading house. In his being driven for wealth Ebenezer put work above everything and Belle the one girl who had interest in him broke up with him on a Christmas Eve because of his choosing work over her.

Ebenezer became a bitter person who was abusive to those around him. He had a closed heart and no sympathy for the suffering of others. He thought generosity was a waste of money, and berated his nephew Fred for hosting a dinner. He was quick to be angry. He was self-absorbed in his negativity and selfishness.

The side note of Tiny Tim.

The opposite of Scrooge in this story is Tim Cratchit, who was called Tiny Tim. Tim was the son of Bob Cratchit, Scrooge's only employee. Tim had some kind of physical disability that he required a crutch to get around. Tim had this very noble and gentle spirit about him as related in a conversation between Bob and his wife in “Stave 3” of the story:

He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk, and blind men see.'   (http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Charles_Dickens/A_Christmas_Carol/index.html)

Tim had more than Scrooge to complain about if Tim were to complain. However, Tim did not complain. Tim was kind of taking the Bible passage, Philippians 4:8 to heart:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (NIV)

The Lesson of Scrooge

While many can take whatever message they wish from the story . . . the story of Scrooge is an opportunity to look at yourself and to reflect on what matters to you. Scrooge illustrates that being a survivor is miserable, and survivors can develop nasty reputations and victimhood in earlier life stops being a valid excuse.

Charles Dickens seems to encourage the reader to thrive and make Christmas meaningful. Not everyone is going to be able to be as generous as Scrooge was on the Christmas day after the visit from the three spirits, but definitely people can begin to open their heart to others.

Thriving and Living with an Open Heart

After the visit from the three spirits Scrooge became humble and real and seemed to open his heart to others. He started sincerely caring about others. While it is not in the actual story ( http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Charles_Dickens/A_Christmas_Carol/index.html) , the different movies have Scrooge apologizing to his nephew for being such a jerk.

Tiny Tim Crachit indeed does live with an open heart. Okay, the character is a crippled child living in a lower-class situation, but he is not about what is bad. He is generous in the way he shares his spirit and hope.

I honestly have to say that living with an open heart like Tiny Tim is going to be difficult for people who are survivors. Survivors have closed their hearts and lives for some good reasons—the trauma and emotional abuse that they have suffered as children. Closing your heart and emotions to others serves a purpose to protect yourself from harm—especially if your family is still a bunch of toxic and abusive people.   Survivors become so invested in surviving that learning to thrive is like trying to learn a new language that has a different sentence structure and alphabet--it almost requires a new way of thinking and it becomes hard work.

However, a reasonable question is: do the reasons for keeping your heart closed still exist? Of course you can rationalize keeping your heart closed for many reasons, but it has diminishing returns over the years, and you can wind up as a bitter old recluse like Ebenezer Scrooge (with or without the money).

Maybe you can find some ways to be like Tiny Tim?  God bless Us, Every One!

Take a Break from Holiday Worrying by Being in the Present

As I have written in one of my first blog postings, Christmas is like a hurricane where people are dreading the storm that is to come December 25.  This hurricane effect includes

• some people are dreading the future
• grieving that the holidays are not going to will be the same
• some people are lamenting that their families are so toxic and dysfunctional that they just cannot get along. 

All of these mental actions are future oriented.   These are negative thoughts and they produce negative emotions and physical stress.

If someone is isolating and staying home and doing nothing at the holidays, they are running the risk of  letting their imagination run wild and creating mountains out of mole hills about various fears or griefs they have about the holidays.  The longer someone dwells on these negative thoughts, the bigger the mountains they create from the mole hills.

Living in the Present


Living in the present has been a oft-made recommendation by therapists and self-help authors.  What it can mean may take a whole book to elaborate.  I won't do that, but I think I can give you a brief idea of what you can start to do.  If you want to read more about living in the present--you can easily Google it and get all kinds of thoughts.

In a nutshell, I think that living in the present is focusing on the present moment and place.  You are working to not dwell on days and weeks and years ahead.  You are stopping yourself from thinking about all of the potential disasters that could happen.   You are also putting the past on a shelf in the back of your mind and not focusing on it either.  Neither the past or the future are things you can do about, so we concentrate on the present.

Focusing on the present does not necessarily mean that it is going to be easy.  The present may be tough if you are in the middle of a crisis.  The present may also be tough if you are suffering.  However, options and solutions are only going be had in the present; you and I are not going to fix a past problem, and we do not know what the future holds until we get there.   I may be suffering now, but I can perhaps choose now to lessen my suffering or take comfort in something now to ease my pain.

A Historical and Spiritual Recommendation

Living in the present actually has been a recommendation of most religions.  Hinduism and Buddhism recommend doing meditation, focusing on medication, and being in touch with the now.   The Bible also recommends living in the present:

Jesus himself said in the "Sermon on the Mount" (Matthew 6:25-34)

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? 28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(NIV)

The point is that for thousands of years there has been the recommendation to focus on the present.  People have had problems worrying about what bad things could happen in the future.

 Methods of Living in the Present

While this may sound condescending, I think that many people need to do more than just sitting at home reading blog posts and trying to change what you think so as to stay in the present.   If your emotional pain is intense, thinking positive thoughts about the present are not likely going to be enough.    Many need to get up and change their scenery and get active.

If you have been isolating because you have avoided friends and family it may be that you need to go out and be around people.  Getting into a different mindset often means changing your surroundings where different sounds and senses can be experienced.  

Being in the present also means doing something different but healthy.  Trying something different like listening to a different type of radio station or going to a concert that you would not normally go to can also get you in a different frame of mind.  Going and trying a different cuisine or type of food can broaden your horizons.  A possibly easy option is going out to the mall and people watch--look at people's faces and compare and contrast their facial expressions (some ethnographers get research grants to do this). The sky really is the limit when working to stay in the present.

Concluding thoughts

We as humans need a break from worrying and holiday stress.  Focusing on the present is a useful and simple strategy.  While it has its limits, focusing on the present does provide some relief.  Life can be simpler and less stressful in the present when we are spending our energy imagining that bad things are going to happen.