Unthinkable Tragedy Happens Whenever and We Just Cannot Stop It.

Today in the state of Connecticut the most unthinkable happened.   Twenty innocent and precious children sent off to Sandy Hook Elementary School by their parents or guardians are never coming home. 

The unconscionable act of a young man took the lives of his mother and the students before taking his own.  Several other adults were killed in the massacre. Including the shooter, 27 people are dead.

The cold reality is that this happened.  There is no good time for tragedy.  It is especially painful when it is supposed to be the most wonderful of the year.  It is especially awkward when this coming Sunday is the Third Sunday of Advent--that of Joy. 

Reactions

There are no words that are going to fully convey the full impact of this mass-murder suicide.  People all over are in shock, reportedly even President Obama even was nearly moved to tears.  Many people and corporations have made comments on their Facebook Pages.   The few people who I talked with about this are all in shock.   It appears that people all over have been glued to their televisions or the news websites, and all of the major U.S. networks are doing hour specials tonight on the tragedy.

As for me, when I first learned about the tragedy when the nurse on my unit was watching the web-based coverage, I immediately felt tense.  I immediately remembered when my kids were five years old.  My mind immediately imagined them being dead.  I am pretty sure many other parents were feeling the same way.  It is called preparatory grief. 

When I came home tonight, I hugged my kids.  In a sense I hugged my kids for the people in Connecticut.   I felt thanksgiving for my children. 

Oh Yeah.  This Sunday is Supposed to be The Advent Sunday of Joy

I bet that the clergy in Connecticut and adjacent states who have already prepared Advent sermons on the theme of joy are in the process of changing them and preparing funeral sermons. They are going to have to harmonize the day of joy with the tragedy.   My prayers are for them too because they are going to be some of the rocks that the parishioners will be leaning on in the days and weeks ahead.

How Do We Even Begin to Cope? 

Right now, I think that we will begin to cope by recognizing that we are grieving.  Coping will also mean taking care of ourselves by doing what we know to do: limit media consumption, spend time with our kids in some form, pray if  you are a praying person. 

We are grieving

The way I see it that for those of us who have been touched by this, we will have some form of grief and we are going to have to cope as we would with any other grief.  We are going to have feelings and the beginning of coping is recognizing what is happening to us.

Right now it is a very good bet that we feel shock.  We are feeling the pain while our imaginations are exploring possibilities of the horror and empathizing with the devastated parents and caretakers, and the children who were nearly missed by the shooter.   We may even imagine what kind of dreams have been shattered and how lives have been indelibly changed.

It would not surprise me if people are more guarded at the shopping malls and department stores.  We will be looking over our shoulders to see if there is going to be some copycat psychopath who was perversely inspired to act out some twisted fantasy.  I will probably be a little more alert than usual like I was back in 2001-2002 after 9-11.

We will then feel anger.  We may be angry at the shooter.  We may be angry at the shooter's parents. We may be angry at the school officials for not having security.  Some people may even be angry at the parents for sending their kids to school today--they should have kept their kids home. 

Some may be even bargaining out of the futile hope that it is all a dream.  Some may have a hope that their little kids are still alive and law enforcement made a mistake.

The depression will set in when we realize that it is not going to change and it really happened. We will feel stuck.   However, for the majority of us in other parts of the country, we will likely get through this fairly quickly because we are not that close to it.  We will get through it and we will be getting back to our lives because the events of our private lives and our needs will call us to move on and take care of what we have to do.

Acceptance means that we find a way to begin to heal and move on.  We will pick up and move on as a country. 

It is okay to be where you are now

As I have written this, I still feel some shock that the tragedy has happened.  I can be as academic-sounding as anyone but it does not make me any any less human. 

It is okay if you and I are still at the shock state or if you are at the anger state.  You and I are human beings and that will not change.

The hope I offer is that you and I as human beings are surprisingly resilient.  We can and do recover from a lot of trauma and bad news in our lives.  If you think about it, we are exposed to all kinds of bad things in this world and we keep going and eventually find something to be hopeful about.

Consider Limiting Your Media Consumption

At this time, it is unclear how much media coverage there will be over the next week.  I am sure that the cable all-news channels will be covering the tragedy aftermath non-stop.  It is a fair bet that they will repeat the same facts over and over again.  There will not be any new information of significance.

Exposing and re-exposing yourself to the information will re-traumatize you and keep you in the pain.  It can distract you from moving on and taking care of your personal needs and your family needs while simultaneously keep you tense and in a bad emotional place.   We do not necessarily become hardened and used to bad things as humans. 

We learned from 9-11 that we cannot watch the news non-stop.  As humans we have our limits and we cannot just sit and listen to bad news non-stop without breaking down.

Practice Thanksgiving

Tragedies like this help us to refocus on what matters.  For me I think that instead of watching TV news coverage tonight and tomorrow, spending time with your kids (if you have them) is a far more quality activity than trying to be informed.  Make Pancakes or go for walks or play board games or give them a phone call . . . do something that affirms life and the relationships that you have.


Pray if You Are a Praying Person

I believe that when you feel powerless, praying is something that you can do.  Mind you I am a religious person and I believe in an all-powerful God who loves us.  While I am not even going to begin to get into an defense of how a loving God can allow something so horrific to happen, I believe that God is close to those who are suffering (Psalm 34:12) and He knows what it is like to feel pain and suffering (Isaiah 53:3).  Praying for the suffering parents to feel the arms of God is something you and I can do that is meaningful, and real. Prayer has a way of helping us center ourselves too.

Closing Thoughts

These have been some very imperfect thoughts for those people who are looking for ideas on coping with today's tragedy.  I hope that these have been helpful in giving you ideas to you in your search for peace.  I have a feeling I will be writing more on this subject in the days and weeks ahead.  If you have subjects you would like me to write on, feel free to put your questions for requests in the comment section.



 

Dwelling on the Past: Good and Bad.

Tonight I went to my daughter's middle school for a "winter" concert.   It is a very plain school with white hallways and very bright fluorescent lights. I smelled the cleaning solutions that the custodians/janitors used only a few hours before.   

It took me back to to my days in school.  The junior high that I went to had similar features and it seems that over the years, a school still smells like a school.  It took me to times in my youth where I performed in choral and band concerts.  It took me back to all of those days I smelled the cleaning solutions and felt nauseous.

Christmas time as most any other time is a time for reflection on memories.  We tend to be reminded or triggered regarding the past a lot during the holidays.    

Memories Considered

Our memories essentially come back when someone brings something up or we get triggered.  The most useful concept in understanding triggers is what another author called "The Trauma Wall."  Our our traumas get permanently engraved  in our mind and when we encounter the trigger or something like it, we have flashbacks.

I actually think that we have a wall where all of our memories are engraved in the granite of our minds and there are good triggers and bad triggers.  If the memory is good then it is good.  If the memory is bad then it could be just an unpleasant memory or a flashback.

The good triggers lead us to remember pleasant memories.  We remember the easier times in our past with nostalgia. Nostalgia usually happens when we are thinking about times when we did not have the problems we have now.

However the flashbacks are very shocking to our systems.  We experienced terrible things and they remain terrible things to us.  When they come back into our conscious and we think about them, we feel all the stressful and desperate emotions and are energized by the adrenaline the emotions signal the adrenal glads to produce.

A flashback can be so horrific that it disorients us from reality.  The more trauma we have experienced, the more flashbacks we have.   I have found some people who lose touch with the fact they are having flashbacks either dissociateor have mood swings that they cannot account for. 

When people dwell on the past, they often waste the present.  In the here and now we only have so much energy and time.  How we occupy our mind can mean the difference between distraction or focus and satisfaction.   Dwelling on the past has rarely made anyone a better person.

Memories Only Matter as Much as We Want Them to Matter

I think that it is human to dwell on the past. We all have these past experiences that captivate us in that we cannot get them out of our minds.  Usually it is the pain.  Our minds want to rewrite the past. We may get mad at ourselves

I have decided that many people with low self-esteem dwell on the bad things in the past because they believe they are too stupid to make a better decision now or in the future.  They just do not have faith in their capabilities to change.

With a few exceptions, the majority of people in our lives could care less about our screw-ups and mistakes in the past.  Many of us hold our painful past behind a wall of shame and continue to say "If you only knew." 

The few exceptions usually include family members.  We cannot shake the family members.  Some of our family members seem to have this impulsive urge to bring up the past at the most awkward and bizarre times and they will ruin holiday celebrations.   This is one of the reasons why the relationship problems people have are predominantly with families.

However, for many of us the non-relative people of the past have moved on and the current people in our lives have no clue or interest in  our past accidents and embarrassments. They do not read our minds and they are not looking to learn all about our past problems.  They only care about who we are and how we treat them in the present.  What this means is that we are making a choice to dwell and hold onto the memories.

We make a choice as to how our past affects us today.   We decide how much we will dwell and how we will dwell.  To stop dwelling on the past is to make a change within us and only within us.

Some people say that they just cannot help it.   They will continue to dwell on the past.  They only will stop when they find the motivation for change.   The motivation often is a spiritual-like realization that dwelling on the negative past is neither making you feel good, nor is it making you a better person. 

Concluding Thoughts

People who tend to isolate and stay to themselves are more likely to dwell on the past.  Getting active and being around people is often a better bet to reduce dwelling on the past.  When you are doing things with people, you tend to be more present-focused.

To stop dwelling on the past can be very liberating.   It is not always easy, but it is fruitful.  People who do not dwell on the past tend to sleep better and enjoy the present. 

This Christmas, I hope that if this is your deal, that you can be focused in the here and now and how you can make this holiday a good one. 

 

The Bizarre in our Families at Christmas

Right now in my life, I am dealing with some bizarreness.  I cannot go into details about it here, but it is reminding me of past bizarre times at Christmas, and it does make me think about how surreal and weird, our own families can be.  Coping with the bizarre can make or break a Christmas.

In my field, when people think of bizarre, they think of a psychotic person either displaying disorganized thinking or verbalizing their delusions.   Maybe someone is angry for something that you cannot put your finger on.  However,  without the clinical psychosis and neurosis, there is enough bizarreness in our families to make us feel uncomfortable and disappointed that Christmas wasn't perfect.

The Frog in the Kettle

As members of our family, we typically either become numb or used to our families.  We are like that frog in the kettle.

Frogs can tell the distinct difference between hot and cold temperatures, and so if you throw a frog into hot water, the frog will jump out immediately to escape.  But if the temperature is gradually raised from cool to boiling, the frog will be boiled to death because it does not have the ability to distinguish gradual temperature change.

In this case our families get a different look from us because they are our families.  We wonder why something is strange and we cannot put our finger on it and we blame ourselves for making our family members mad.

A Personal Experience

We typically see the weirdness or strangeness in other families or new family members.  I remember going to Christmas Dinner 17 years ago at the father of my wife's great uncle. 

The great uncle was remarried after being widowed.  His wife's family sat there playing their hand-held video games and totally ignored us as we sat there waiting for dinner.   They just stayed to themselves and made no attempt to introduce themselves or be social.   I made one attempt to introduce myself and it was like talking to a wall as they said NOTHING.

I and my wife's side of the "family" ate in one room and the other side of the family ate in the other room.  While there was a "honey baked ham" and some other fine food, it was kind of like eating gravel because there was no sense of love and belonging.  I do not remember us staying long because there was just nothing in common to talk about.

I made a comment to my wife about it later.  My memory is that my wife just said "well, that's just her family."  In all honesty, it was weird, and I have no grief over having not seeing them again.  

Circling Back to Your Own Family

If you have not seen your own family for a number of years and you are getting back together with them, there is a tendency for feeling awkward and bizarre.  If you are the frog, then you are jumping into a boiling hot kettle and you can discern the difference immediately. 

Depending on how much bad blood and unresolved conflict there is in the family history, there will be guardedness and cautiousness.   They just don't know you anymore.

Combine this estrangement with realizing you have self-absorbed people in your family, and you will see that a lot of their behavior will be all about them and their insecurities.  They may make accusations that seem to come out of left field. They might accuse you of thinking thoughts that you haven't thought, and then judge you for those alledged thoughts.  They will then throw a childish tantrum and then storm out of the room . . . whether or not they have had too much Gin or Whiskey. 

Some of the family member tantrums may be rooted in some event or problem that happened decades before, such as how someone behaved at a wedding or funeral.  It can be stupifying why they are dragging something up from that long ago.

Coping with it all

Coping with the weirdness of your family or maybe your new in-laws is not exactly a simple task.  It is a vague task.  It means you have managed your feelings and perhaps have a good sense of humor about the experience.

Our families can be weird

If you are returning to see your family after a long time, it will probably serve well to accept that in the least Christmas will not be perfect.  Our family members will be who they are with their quirks and stupidity. 

There are family members who get drunk and do stupid things.  Alcohol has this way of peeling away judgment as simply as peeling away a banana skin.  

Furthermore, there is a good chance your weird family members will not care what you think after being away for so long.  You are like the prophet returning to the hometown and you will not have the credibility you think you should have (trust me on this one).

Hopefully most of your family members will be well-mannered and civilized but there may be a few who live for the drama and love for things to be stirred up and shaken up.  This is surprisingly normal behavior for families.

You don't have to be right

I have finally understood the significance of Leo Buscaglia 's use of the term "You may be right."  Too many of our family members (including us) have the need to prove ourselves and will not admit that they are wrong.   They will argue their point to the death and will drag up the shameful past to punish you for challenging them and their point of view.   The more insecure the person . . . the more vicious they are, and the more disruptive they are.

There are some people in this world who would rather be right than be with family.  They have strong control needs and will actually run from family because they cannot control.  They will do some weird things in their need for control because it is all about them. 

If you have one of them in your family . . . or several of them in your family, a good deflecting move is to frequently and politely say, "You may be right."  Many times they only hear "you" and "right."   In reality you are not conceding anything because you only said they maybe right.   There is no guarantee that this will work, but it can buy some time.

Have a sense of humor

It seems to me that some of the situational comedies also called sitcoms have some of the most dysfunctional families.  The characters get into each other's business and they do some of the stupidest things.  The difference between us and them is they are in front of a studio audience or have a laugh-trac imposed over them.  Some of our families are like American Dad, Family Guy, Al and Peg Bundy, or The Nanny, or even more like Bob Hartley Ph.D's patients on The Bob Newhart Show.  Laughter can soothe some of the tragic pain.

Keep it clear that you are only responsibility for your feelings and your behavior.

This last skill is a philosophy or belief: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.   It is a total cop out to say to someone "You make me mad."  The person who blames others for their feelings is shirking all responsibility. Chances are, they will be too "pig-headed" to hear from you that you are not responsible for their feelings. 

Beware, if you are holding to this belief, you will have to be responsible for how you react when the relative brings up something from June, 1987 that is totally ridiculous and insane.  I recommend in these cases having a rule of waiting three (3) to five (5) seconds before responding each time you talk.   Anger has this way of making us impulsive and we need to be thinking before we speak.

Closing Comments.

Well, I hope that your Christmas will not be bizarre, but if it is,it will not last forever.  If you want to read more about this, I have written on family dysfunction in earlier blog posts.  If you have the time and want to read even more, I suggest reading Kaplan's  When Holidays are Hell.  You can likely purchase a copy online at Amazon.Com or other online booksellers, or check your own public library for a copy.
 

Feeling Intimidated at Christmas and Fighting Pretentiousness

Christmas as we know it is a feast.  It is made out to be an extravaganza.  It is after all, as the late Andy Williams iconically sang "the most wonderful time of the year."  I have decided that for some it may be intimidating . . . I'm kind of feeling it.

Tonight is a Christmas banquet at our church.   I have previously avoided going to this dinner for various reasons.  Since I happen to be on the Deacon Council I was recruited to buy a table and invite some new church members to be my guests.

However, one of the other deacons who appeared to have sympathy for me told my wife that she would decorate it (we have women deacons at my church--no apologies).  Yesterday, we were not sure if she followed through.  Well, she followed through and she made the table look as extravagant as a charity gala that guests pay $1000 per table to attend.

While my wife and I are thankful, I speak for both of us to say that we are intimidated, which brings us to the subject of this blog.  Christmas and the holidays appear to have become vehicles for showing off your status and wealth, or maybe your pretentiousness.

The Meaning of the Word

Pretentiousness--being or trying to look like something you are not--is a a human temptation.   In our search for self-esteem, we may act like something we are not under the guise of "fake it until you make it."

It seems to me that many of us are frustrated that we do not have what we believe we should have.  Many of our bosses and professors were abusive and stupid and held us back from graduation dates and promotions we felt we were entitled to.  We suffer from having to work for cronies and younger proteges who actually know less than us.   We have been abused and we hurt and one our responses is pretentiousness to soothe our bruised egos. 

However, pretentiousness in the end will likely lead to disaster or a breakdown.    It seems that in the United States the complaint year after year is credit card debt where people will buy stuff (and I do mean stuff) beyond their means and will spend most of the year paying off the balances.   I have seen a number of people on the narcissistic side who bluster and bloviate and after awhile are rightly recognized to be all flash and no substance . . . and no character. 

Regardless, there is such a temptation in the United States to present as more than you are.  Sometimes people feel they have to be pretentious to get ahead in life.  They will buy cars, homes, and clothes beyond their means.  Divorces and bankruptcies are often the humiliating consequences from trying to be more than you are.

Humility Now or Humiliation Later

As I think about the matter of pretentiousness, I am called to be honest with myself and surrender to the truth.   Life is going to be painful at times when you do not have what you think you should have. Other people are going to have more than the rest of us.  Most of us are never going to be part of high society, and we will watch them in the society papers and on the red carpets smile in their fashion and formal wear. 

Reaching a state of contentment may often take a grieving process. We may cry that we do not have what we think we should have.  We may deal with anger over and over again at those people who we believe are the criminals in our past who cheated us out of what we felt we were entitled to.  We may be angry at those family members who favored others over us.   We may cry and feel stuck.  We hopefully can feel our feelings, put the grudges and sour grapes in the cellars and closets of our minds and get on with life. 

Coming Back to the Idea of Christmas.

We come to this holiday as we are.  We come with our feelings and expectations.  We often feel complications in our emotions--after all, life is complicated suffering.   We often wonder where God is when we are feeling so miserable and complicated--I ofter that God is still present.

Christmas in its essence requires only one gift.  It is the gift of God to the world of life.  One of my "Facebook" friends (who is also a professional, stand-up comedian) posted yesterday that he did not believe that God is 100 percent pro-life because Jesus came to earth on a "death mission."  I think that my friend stopped a little short in his analysis as Jesus did not just merely come to die, but also to be resurrected and live again and defeat death for us.  This gift just has to be received through belief.

Regardless of what we do not have and who we are not, God loved us by giving us  the greatest gift of Jesus.  Jesus was born in a barn and his cradle was a feeding trough.  It is a gift worth anything more than what is in the mall, and we do not not have to buy it.  

However, despite the gift of life, it is still difficult at times to fight pretentiousness because we are still in human bodies.  It will probably always be a fight because we are human.

Shopping: the Myth of Just the Right Gift.

Today was a day where my wife had a shopping agenda.  We were going to go to the mall and buy stuff.

We went all over the mall. It had a full parking lot and lots of people. 

In the average metropolitan shopping mall in the United States there is a lot of merchandise you can buy. They make it very attractive for you to part with your money and they offer you lots of choice . . . too much of it.

I think that one of the messages that the retailers at Christmas is that you are going to get that special person just the right gift.  You could spend hours and hours looking with all of the choices present in the mall.

Me, I still do not know what I am going to get people for Christmas. 

Today I go back to the thought that nothing is perfect.   I think it will make it easier looking for presents.

 

Where is Your Head?

Today was a very challenging day. It was hectic in terms of handling some personal matters and it was hectic at my job at a psychiatric hospital.   I also started thinking about finally getting out there and buying Christmas presents.   Going back to bed sounded like a good idea but I was almost to my work.  

Tonight we put up the Christmas tree. I was tired as I rooted around the attic in my garage looking for the plastic tubs.  I put up the crumpled, artificial Christmas tree and did my best to get the lights hooked up.  I found myself feeling apathy because I did not care to look in the tubs at the different ornaments we had.  I found myself saying : at least the kids were enjoying it. 

As I reflect tonight, I find myself doing a Zig Ziglar "check-up from the neck-up."  I have said to myself: "Where is your head."

As I have noted elsewhere the pace of life for the average person in the western hemisphere is intense and hectic.   It is especially so for those living in urban areas.  We spend a lot of time commuting in cramped subways, trains and buses or we are stuck in heavy traffic.  We are pressured to do more with less at our jobs.  We have information coming at us from all directions that requires our response.  We get worn out and burned out and many of us value the weekend to get caught up on our personal matters and business.  Our heads are often tired from all of the intensity.

Then let us top if off with all of the holiday events and expectations.  We have to spend money on gifts to show we care.  We have to go to Christmas events to be sociable.  Combine the additional holiday stuff with our usual intense life and we are overwhelmed and probably think that going back to bed sounds even more attractive.

Let us kick it up another notch.  What if you are not feeling particularly joyful and happy this Christmas due to grief or loss?  What if you are feeling the guilt because your money and credit is tight and you cannot buy the type of presents the way you want to?   Going back to bed sounds even more attractive but it is not exactly a healthy coping skill.

Silence

In light of that, one of my favorite coping skills or coping activities in this time of year is sitting in silence and doing nothing.  While it does not solve the problems, I have found that a time of silence and stillness can be soothing.  

The problem is that it requires you to actually sit and be still.  Sitting still can be a challenge because the intensity and anxiety makes our bodies produce adrenalin which juices or energizes us and we are restless and fidgety.  Furthermore, being silent can be scary because our minds are moving really fast and with rapid thoughts can come anxiety.  Silence is essentially a discipline that has to be practiced . . . and practiced . . . and practiced because you think it holds something for you.

Forgive me for sounding like the late Henri Nouwen, but when I sit silently, I take some control of the moment. Some level of calmness happens. I feel the tension in my back and arms that I had not been in touch with because of my busyness and preoccupation and I can do something about it. I can also think spiritual or mystical thoughts or pray a different kind of prayer. I can be in the moment. I can focus.

Being in Touch with Ourselves.

I think in the rush of the holiday, taking time to be silent and ask ourselves where our heads are can be of great benefit.   But it can also be a risk. The answers to the question are not always pleasant because we might think about the pain, the grief, the loss, the regrets, and the 'what could have been's."   But it takes risk to make gains.

Where is my head now?  Hopefully in a more peaceful place than it was earlier in the day.  

Holiday Illusions: Things Are Not What They Seem

It does not seem like the holiday season here in Louisville, Kentucky USA.  It was in the 60's (Fareinheit) and it was rainy.  Yes, there are 21 more days until Christmas and it looks like a late February/early March day in terms of weather.  But it is the holiday season, you cannot judge by the way things look outside.

All of the man-made trappings are out.  Many people have decked their houses and yards in "Christmas" lights.  People are trying to get the Christmas Spirit listening to the music and watching old Christmas movies, and wearing festive holiday clothing.

The music is probably the most powerful of the different aspects of the Christmas season for most people.  The music goes everywhere and can be heard .. . in stores . . . the malls . . . and on the radio.  People sing it to themselves as they drive, and wash dishes.

I'm dreaming of what?

As I think about illusions at the holiday, Music comes to mind.  One of the all-time best selling recordings is that of White Christmas  by Irving Berlin.   The opening line is about someone dreaming about a snowy Christmas like the ones he used to know.  

The irony of it all is that Irving Berlin was jewish.   He did not keep Christmas as a child . . . he kept Haunukuh and even while as a secular jewish who was not observant, he did not keep Christmas during that time either.   From the different sources I could briefly piece together, he wrote a song for the Christmas market because it would sell.   Yes, he made a lot of money off of it. 

Don't get me wrong, the song was a morale booster to American troops during World War II. It made them think about getting home for Christmas.  However, the point is, at its basic nature, the song is an illusion--the composer simply composed something and it did not appear to be from his heart.

Music has this surprising power over us to change our emotions.  We get sad with songs and we get happy with sons.