Christmas music has been playing on three different stations
in my city for over one month. I have
heard various renditions of songs, and yeah I confess to sing along with it like a hypnotized person regardless of my intellectual self.
Music has a certain power to pull us in. It empathizes with us and it makes us
empathize. It makes us think. It can
make us nostalgic about the good memories.
It can make us sad in reminding us about the bad memories.
We usually sing the winter songs along with Christmas. Songs like Baby It’s Cold Outside and Winter
Wonderland and Jingle Bells do
not have Christmas themes but we will stop playing them on December 25. They are songs of togetherness and belonging and celebration.
I have my criticisms of some of the music. For example, the Christian songs Do you hear what I hear? and Little
Drummer Boy have no Biblical basis—meaning the events they portray are not in the Bible. The only documented visitors in the Bible were the
shepherds and the wise men. The only
king in the birth narrative of Jesus (Herod) wanted to kill him and set out an
order for infanticide in Bethlehem
two years after Jesus was born in order to eradicate any challenger to the
throne. The king only knew about the one
born to be king of the Jews after the wise men told him about the star.
However, when we were singing Little Drummer Boy in church
today, there was a moment when I came to realize I really have no gift to give
to God that is good enough, but he still accepts me. It was a moment of worship and meaning.
Biblical matters aside, in the past month or so I have heard
three different remakes of Last Christmas. I feel old in saying this, but it was a hit
for Wham! in 1984, from their album Music From the Edge of Heaven.
I was a sophomore in college when it hit the charts. However, hearing the different renditions of this song again and again over the last 1.5 have made me mull over the lyrics.
Last Christmas is not
a Christmas song, but an angry lament written by George Michael with a co-writer. The lyrics are directed at some unnamed “party” the writer met year before. The writer got sucked in and gave his heart to
the party (with a note, saying I love you I meant it). The party was in emotional
need and the writer also admits throwing themselves at the party (me I guess I was just a shoulder to cry on). The other
party turned out to be a total jerk (and
your soul of ice) and spurned the writer's affections the next day (or at least soon
after that). The writer pledged to give his heart to
someone special this year.
This song has me thinking about relationships. There
should be someone to kiss under the mistletoe.
There should be someone to keep warm with. There should be someone special who makes you
feel complete.
Human beings need relationships. We need connection and intimacy. We need to give and be given to.
Some people hide despite the hunger for connection and
intimacy. Some people have been so hurt that they are not going to risk the imagined pain that could happen with the next relationship.
Some people actually push away relationships because of their pain from
family dysfunction and trauma.
However, the music of Christmas blaring at you from all
corners can remind you of the pain. It
unnecessarily tells you what you do not have. If it blares for close to two months, you are reminded over and over again.
Many people do feel lonely at Christmas for the special relationship. Loneliness is a form of anxiety felt when the
need for connection is unmet. We can be
lonely in a crowd and when we are all by ourselves.
Loneliness compounds the existing pain. Being alone allows you to dwell on grief,
loss and regrets. Loneliness also gives
the imagination time to become your enemy where you are brainwashed to think that no one cares.
Coping with this pain: Choice
I think that loneliness is a time where up front, it serves
to say that coping is not going to make you happy. Coping in times like these means living with
the pain . . . and enduring the pain. We are going to feel terrible,
but we cannot stop living. Coping is
distraction by at least getting your mind on something other than yourself and
your situation.
Coping in these times becomes a choice. I have heard numerous patients/clients
talking about this pain of loneliness but unwilling to do anything about it.
There seemed to be this secondary gain of power or sympathy through the
perception of victim-hood. They got some
attention from someone new, but they were not willing to change by making a different
choice.
Choice is powerful. Victor
Frankl’s coping in a German concentration camp was based on his choice to
hope. (Man’s search for meaning).
He chose to have hope and it helped him survive. We do choose from minute to minute. We choose now. Hopefully having read this gives you pause to
think about your choices for coping.
For the matter of loneliness, it does eventually become a matter of choice. Too many people choose loneliness. I have come to realize that some people are better off
choosing getting a pet due to their family and relationship traumas. Some might be better off looking for some activity clubs (jousting, stamp collecting, dancing, community theater) to get involved in. Otherwise, maybe seeking healthy relationships
is in your future (take a note from George Michael as to who you should avoid). Some recommended
reading if you are looking for that special someone is the book: If I’m so wonderful then why am I still
single? It is available at Amazon
here is a link to a bunch of copies of various prices and book conditions (http://www.amazon.com/Wonderful-Why-Still-Single-Strategies/dp/0609809091
).
Please note, I have no financial stake in recommending this book.
As usual, if you are reading this, I assume that you are seeking to meet a need. I hope I helped.
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