Walking on Eggshells: You do not have to do it

Part of the tension at the holidays is the walking on eggshells.   It is a miserable practice drains a person of energy and joy. Many people are emotional slaves in that feel that they must do it but would like to stop it.  If this fits you, I am going to discuss some ideas you can try.

I think that many people use the term, but do not know what it is.  Understanding it is part of defining the problem so you can begin to solve it.  In this case solving the problem is stopping walking on eggshells.

What is it?

In my opinion “walking on eggshells” is a metaphor or word picture for someone doing the following:

• Feeling responsible for some one’s anger or emotional outburst
• Being on guard with the intent of not triggering that person or persons
• Maintaining a defensive position just in case the person or persons do have an outburst.
• Being a blamer enforcer when someone else appears to trigger the one who had the outburst.

The word-picture suggests that this is an impossible task. Eggshells break and pulverize with little weight upon them.   People waste such energy in something they are not going to be successful at doing in the first place.

Furthermore, people who walk of eggshells tend to have lower self-esteem and only worsen their self-esteem because they feel guilty because they fail to meet their expectations.  The angry family member only gets angry—that is what he or she does.

Stopping it.

If we are going to stop walking on eggshells, we are not only to have to change what we do and believe with regard to the angry person, but we may have to deal with a few other people who are also walking on egg shells.  I think that stopping may need to take in consideration where the family power lies.

Stopping over-responsibility

Responsibility is a belief.  It is not bad in and of its own right as we should be responsible for our behavior and our words, but there is a limit as to what we can be responsible.  You and I are responsible for our own words and we can be respectful and mannerly but that is about it. As I have stated else where everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

People who walk on eggshells believe that they are responsible for the feelings of others and cause other people to be mad.  How does this happen?  It started in childhood when your parents and other significant family members played the victim and blamed you and each other for their feelings.  It continues into adulthood and can continue throughout a person’s life.

I think that change starts with putting faith in the principle that

Everyone is responsible for their own feelings

Yes, if Uncle Bobby gets angry and throws a tantrum or fit, it is his issue.  If he blames other people, he is shirking his own responsibility.  If Uncle Bobby were arrested by the police and taken the court for disturbing the peace, blaming someone else for his anger is not going to be a defense in court—he will most likely be found guilty if he does not plead guilty. 

Now, people may be careful of Uncle Bobby because he may also be the richest member of the family, but again his getting mad is his problem.  If you hold the belief in your heart that you are not responsible for Uncle Bobby’s feelings, you will lessen your stress.

What are you really on guard for?

Besides lessening your sense of responsibility, letting down your guard is another step towards stopping the eggshell walking.  Guardedness in this case is an effort to avoid getting hurt and to avoid feeling guilty.  I think that if you are not feeling responsible, then you will not feel guilty.

In the case of walking on eggshells, most people feel guilt for things that are not illegal or immoral.  I consider this to be irrational guilt and irrational responsibility--you are taking responsibility for something that is not yours to own. 

Furthermore, I think that people misinterpret the angry outbursts of the loose cannons or chronically angry in our families as being angry for valid and righteous reasons.  The reality is that adults that have chronic anger problems are really

Immature.

Yes, even the senior citizen member of your family may be immature.   Growing old does not mean that a person emotionally matures.  

Dropping the need for a defensive position.

I suggest that we can let the guard down and drop the need for a defensive position by looking at the immature and angry adults in the family as children in adult bodies.  Start by imagining the same words and angry tantrums in small children. 

• How do you feel when you see the child act out?  Does it affect you the same way?
• How would you act towards a small child who throws a tantrum?   

Sometimes when you look at someone in a different light, the revelation is remarkable.   (The problem here may be if you have had a habit of giving in to small children when they throw a tantrum, but that can be another post or maybe another blog.)   Anyway, when you are not in a defensive position, you have nothing to prove and nothing to feel guilty about.  You can look at Uncle Bobby as someone who has a need to get themselves in control of themselves and not someone who needs pacifying.

Dealing with the blaming family members.

There is often a secondary problem when stopping walking on eggshells.  Other family members are likely still walking on them.  If Uncle Bobby blows up at you, other family members may come up and ask in an angry tone of voice

What did you do to make him (or her) angry??????????????

They are blaming and shaming and are likely trying to talk down to you as if you are a little child.  In a sense, they are taking more responsibility than they should for Uncle Bobby's anger problem too.   They are likely shaken and anxious and tense and maybe angry that Uncle Bobby is angry.  Dealing with these people who come behind you and blame you is a little more complicated.

Under the assumption that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, my choice responses include the following. 

• Does anyone really have to do anything to get __________ angry?
• Nothing.
• What do you think I did?
• I am not responsible for their feelings.
• Whatever their problem is . . . they'll calm down.

What you do next is another difficult situation to figure out.  But most likely people will back away and maybe take a time out. 

Closing comments

 There was no room to talk about what to say directly to an angry person, and if there is a request to discuss this in the comment section, I will be happy to discuss this.  I do think that when we stop walking on eggshells, we will have less stress and we improve our self-esteem that we are not enslaved to walking on eggshells.

This is an act where you fake it until you make it.  When you do this for the first time, it can be a little scary.   It is a bit of a scientific experiment.  I offer you this, it usually works pretty good for most people. 

Taking your family members' fingers off of your trigger(s)

I have posted earlier about how I think people obsess and build up tension weeks before the holidays.  Part of the tension has to do with people focusing on their anger triggers and how other family members pull the trigger.

We hate the anger we will feel when some rude, cruel, and abusive family member brings up some past issue that embarrasses us or humilitates us in front of other people.  We hate the anger we feel when family members mock us in front of the group.  As I have mentioned earlier that anger is a painful and uncomfortable feeling to have--we just cannot stuff it and let it go many times because of what it does to our cardiovascular and nervous systems. 

Therefore, many people who are dreading family holiday gatherings and thinking about avoiding them are likely stressing over the family members who are going to make them mad. As I have mentioned in yesterday's post, everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

I admit that this is easier said than done.  In my journey of life, it has been both a commitment and a process.  I have made my mistakes and I have grown and had my so-called victories in this matter.

A sad but true tradition

For many families a tradition is to start arguments, insult each other and keep the anger going at holidays.  I mentioned in an earlier post that traditions bond us in our relationships.  Families are strangely bonded in their secrets and in their ongoing pain.  The power of anger somehow draws us to dwell on how we can exact revenge at the next holiday in a creative and self-righteous manner. The past hurts never seem to get resolved and forgiven and sometimes it seems that the argument gets picked up right where it left off at the last family gathering.

Some families have a lot of anger too that comes out at other times than the holidays.  I recall one family I was working with in family preservation.  They seemed to focus on each other's triggers and were all about doing each other "dirty." Life in that family was all about who could get back at the other in the most hurtful yet creative way.  It was a sick family full of immature adults with much anger that seemed to make a game out of pushing each other's buttons or pulling each other's triggers. 

In the English language there is a saying that "blood is thicker than water."  The assumption is that we are expected to tolerate the immature, stupid and abusive behavior of family members just because they are family members.  We are to let their hurtful comments slide or find a way to swallow pain and pride because they are family.  It is assumed that our behavior standards are to be less for family members than for people outside the family, and thus we are supposed to find some way to tolerate the trigger-pulling.  

This does create a internal conflict for many people.  They are pulled in two directions as they both want to avoid their families because of the button pushing and trigger-pulling but they also feel that they must be with family because it is the right thing to do. 

The trigger pullers--everyone

While most families have their share of addicts, borderline personalities and narcissists who have no insight and poor judgment about their poor choices, everyone has the equal opportunity to push buttons.
Of course narcissists and borderline personalities are so self-absorbed and are victims in their own minds that they attack first because they live in their private worlds of attack or be attacked.

However, it is likely that everyone will push buttons knowingly and unknowingly by bringing up the past or by stumbling upon some topic that is sensitive. Or maybe some of us go back into our inner child and find the bad stuff and act childish for a few hours each year because we are back with family.  Outside our families we can look one way, but on the inside it can be a totally different picture.

The only triggers that you can control are your own

I think that many people do dread pushing the buttons by other family members.  I think that this is a waste of time and energy.  There is the difference between a commitment to be polite and decent versus being paranoid and walking on eggshells. (I plan to write later on this in a future post).

The reality is . . . that you can only have control over your own triggers.  You are the only one who can have control over your feelings.  I find that to say "you make me mad" to someone else is a 'cop-out' and a a surrendering of your personal power to someone else. 

If Uncle Bob is going after Cousin Henrietta at the table and railing against her about what she did in 2000 by not inviting Bob's daughter from his first marriage to her wedding, it is Henrietta's responsibility to handle it.  Jumping in and rescuing Henrietta only gets you into drama.  Despite how tender or immature Henrietta is, only Henrietta can be responsible for her own triggers--not you. 

Anger can be powerful and when we become angry we can be impulsive. I think that the real matter is that  we do not have a plan for how we want to be when someone pushes our buttons. Mind you, this is not about the come back you will retort, but it is about acting more mature.  I think that the plan starts out with a fearless inventory of your triggers and what you will plan to do if someone tries to pull the trigger.   

What are you most embarassed about?

I bet that if you gave it a little thought right now you could think about what your triggers are.  If you need a little help, a good question is:

What are you most sensitive or embarrassed about?

Besides a bit painful to ponder, the information that this yields will tell you your triggers. You can even expand on this list and identify a number of your triggers.

I do not think that you and I can identify all of our triggers.  We discover our triggers as we live our lives.  New ones will come up.  If you do not have a long list, that is okay--start with what you have.

What mature response will you make when the family member tries to pull your trigger?

Running through some possible "scripts" of what you can say when a family member pushes your button  and writing them down can be quite helpful.  I think that these possibilities should be responses that are calmly spoken and mature.  These scripts should be brief and not long.   Some possibilities could include phrases:

1) I do not want to talk about it.
2) I would rather you not talk about it.
3) If you wish to talk about this with me later, I can do that, but otherwise, I do not want to talk about it.
4) You may be right (This one I learned from  Leo Buscaglia)

 
The last option basically takes away the competition.  I think that people hear "You may be right" as "You are right."  You have conceded nothing when you say this, and it may catch them off guard because you are not arguing.

Can you ignore the trigger and say nothing.  There is often a lot of power in not responding.  When you respond sometimes, you give the cheap shot credibility.

What will you NOT say?  

I think that a standard for statements you should not make is:

 I do not want to regret it.

I think that you can make a similar list of phrases that you should avoid when someone makes a statement that pushes your buttons. My short list of statements to avoid include:

1) Shut up.
2) F**k you.
3) Go to Hell.

How long does it take before people start to push buttons or pull triggers?

Family members start to pull triggers and push buttons after a certain period of time.  When there has been a lot of time on people's hands and people get bored, then the words fly or slip out. 

If you have an assessment of that point of time, then you may want to make plans to leave by that time.  It is not always easy to get away, but manufacturing truthful excuses for why you cannot stay is okay in my book. 

What will you do if the idiot relative will not give up?

Let's say your family has some of those adult relatives who are bent on getting others angry, what do you do?  Depending on how drunk they are or how emotionally impaired they are, they will keep going.  I myself have a relative that is downright insatiable in picking with others and making criticism after criticism.  As old as the relative is, this has never learned to be quiet and respect others.

This is a personal choice, but some options could be:.

1) Set a limit by saying: "If you continue talking about this subject, I am leaving."
2) Go to the process of what is happening "You seem to have this need to talk about my faults."
(Warning--you may be pushing a button in return.)
3) (see above) Leave before this happens.

Who are the ones most likely to engage in button pushing?

I think that it is fairly easy to identify the ones in your family who appear to like to push buttons. They also seem to be the ones who like to control and play control games.  I have found many times that the ones who like to play control games use button-pushing as a game-move.  However, some people who are already in control, use trigger-pulling and button-pushing to maintain their control. 

You do not have to be in competition

Part of the tension and stress of dealing with the button-pushers or trigger pullers is a unrealized belief or inherent assumption that you are in competiion with these characters.  For there to be a game, at least two people have to play. 

The game-playing in button pushing and trigger-pulling includes anger-driven one-up-manship, and trying to get the better of the other person.   Family members engaged in button-pushing often feel that they must prove something to the button-pusher. 

I think that the amount of anxiety that can be reduced is amazing when you take yourself out of competition.  So much tension gets reduced when you stop dwelling on this losing situation anyway.

Disclaimer--you may have to decide which is going to be more painful?

As I close this post, I go back to the memory of the client family that had a habit of "doing dirty."   I have encountered adults of all ages who are so careless and thoughtless and so angry that they have no sense of self-control.  They can be so cruel and abusive in the way they push buttons.  In turn other adult family members will join in on the abuse either out of fear or diversion (better you than them).

There is a tension between being able to cope with triggers and respecting yourself by avoiding abusive and cruel people.   This is a very individual decision in which each of us must make for ourselves.

It is not always about you.

In the past I have had a number of clients/patients who were obsessed because their significant other's parent never accepted them. Birthdays, Sunday dinners and holidays were all days of frozen emotion and discomfort because the client was not made to feel welcome.

I came to conclusion after several years that the client took things too personally.  They were stressing themselves out.

Taking it too personally

As children, we tend to be very self-centered.  If someone develops in a healthy fashion there is a strong likelihood that you will get those balanced messages from your caregivers and families that the world does not revolve around you and that the things that other people do having nothing to do with you.

However, many people grow up with a variety of messages that are blaming when they reported things back to their parents.  Anxious and overly self-conscious immediate demand of children: What did you do?
Note an example:

Child: Mom, Ms. Ferguson yelled at me when I passed by her house and told me to get away.
Mom: What did you do????  What did you say???

Now, Ms. Ferguson may be a total bitch with anger management problems who has little patience for children.  She may be the neighborhood busy-body who needs to go and get a life, if she hasn't burned too many bridges.  If mom has no backbone, she drills the thought into her kids that they are to blame for all of Ms. Ferguson's complaints.  She raises paranoid and people-pleasing kids into paranoid and people-pleasing adults who are probably going to go to therapy and get put on medication.

Too many people take personal responsibility for the family holiday gathering to be perfect.   They usually feel like a failure.  Very few things in this world . . . if are perfect.  They beat themselves up that they could not succeed.  Well, the average family gathering is going to have some glitches.  Some more than others.


Seeking balance

I think that people want discernment and wisdom in dealing with the behavior of family members and potential in-laws.  People want to know that they haven't done anything wrong.  People also want to avoid making people mad.  People want to be at peace with the way they do things.

I think in seeking balance, there is the need to have faith and confidence in principles of human behavior and relationships.
Here are some of  my principles in seeking balance in not taking things too personally.

1) Everyone is responsible for their own feelings
       a) You are responsible for your feelings.
       b) Others are responsible for their feelings.

2) People get mad for stupid reasons, and just because they are mad, does not mean you must get anxious or upset or do somethings to try to calm them down.

3) There are people out there who have no clue in how to have relationships.
      a)  Some are so self-absorbed that they have no coping ability to meet new people.
      b)  Some people just do not have social grace in saying hello to strangers and visitors.
      c)  Some never learned.

4) You do not have to search to see if people are angry with you.
      a) It is the responsibility of the angry person to tell you if they are angry.
      b) Trying to read minds and faces is a dead end.

5)  Do not expect people to read your mind.  They cannot.

6) Any new place you are going into has a history that was going on before you got there.
     a) There are good things
     b) There are bad secrets that people are trying to protect.
     c) You are walking in to a situation you are going to learn about.

I don't know about you, but I know about me.  I go into places and try to be a good consumer of what I see. I believe that I have a self-confidence of when people are being closed and arrogant and when they have open hearts and are being friendly.  It took me years to figure out how to do this and feel confident.

In the next few days, I will expand on how we can be better consumers and not stress ourselves out when walking into awkward holiday celebration situations, including new in-law situations.

The gay or lesbian individual and the family at the holiday

This is going to be a delicately written post.    In the United States there is political landscape strewn with landmines when it comes to the subject of gay and lesbian (homosexual) issues.  Many people avoid this topic because of the grief that can be had from parties on both extreme sides.

Since this is an internationally read blog, the political issues are not going to be the same in other countries, but I think that it is worth writing because family issues are consistent across the globe.   The holidays remind us of our family problems because families are supposed to be together.  Many families are broken up because someone announces they are gay or lesbian and the holiday tends to be lonely for the isolated ones.

A story to set the tone

This story kind of sets my attitude towards this matter. 

A long time ago I was conducting a diverse therapy group that included an openly gay person and a Pentecostal Christian.  The Pentecostal had just joined that day.  A third group member had asked the gay person for some advice because the third person had a potentially gay relative.  After the gay person sounded very much like a junior therapist advising acceptance and tolerance, the Pentecostal immediately spoke up saying that they believed that homosexuality was not right and that God made “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”  (for those of you using translation software, it is a rhyming pun that may not translate well outside of English).

The gay person immediately shot back: “I don’t have to take this @#^&.”  All I could say was folks, we have to respect each other in our difference of opinions.  As far as I was concerned the gay person needed to be as tolerant of the Pentecostal as the Pentecostal should have been sensitive to the gay person.   They did not have to agree, but they did not need to shove each other’s view down each other’s throat.

They were both right, but in a sense they were both wrong. 

A divergence of views and the heart of the matter

In my experience there is a continuum of views when it comes to the acceptance of homosexuality.  On the far “left” there are families that are ambivalent whether a family member is gay or not.  On the far right there is rigidly conservative that view homosexuality as a merely sinful behavior that can be repented and turned from.   There are all kinds of middle views regarding this—but it seems to me that many people are all right with it if it does not happen in their families. As far as I am concerned it will be a long political fight over which side wins.

This post is not going to tell you what to believe about the matter of homosexuality.  Neither is it going to neither going to be about gay rights nor is it going to be condemning because when it comes down to the heart of the matter the question is . . .

Do you want a relationship with your family?

The danger of self-righteousness

In the context of family relationships, you can have your views, but legislation is only about legal matters (jobs, living arrangements, gay marriage).When it comes to the family there will be no legislation that can force a family to accept a family member who is gay or lesbian.  

I think that you can throw the words homophobia or homophobic around, and you are not going to make your relatives respect you any more.   Those words evoke a self-righteousness that will only further build up the walls between you and your family members. Social justice does not exactly work when it comes to families.

Furthermore, if you are the family member of a gay or lesbian, you are very unlikely going to get your family member to change.  You can preach to the family member the passages in the Bible that prohibit Homosexuality and you can argue about the interpretations of the Bible, but that too can build barriers between you and your gay family member.

Are Negotiations Possible?

In the spirit of respecting both the gay person and the family, a reasonable question is: are negotiations possible?  There are no guarantees as to whether this can happen.  Both sides may have their non-negotiables.  The religious family may not allow the gay family member’s partner to come and share the same room.  The gay family member may refuse to go anywhere without the partner.   Again, there is the question of: do you want to have a relationship? 

I do think that negotiations require a maturity on the parts of both parties.  If either side is immature or has the presence of a personality disorder, it stops being about the principle and all about the person. 

I think that also respect for the other’s point of view is key.  These are deeply entrenched views on both parts.  Relationships include agreeing to disagree.

Closing thought.

I am about families being together at the holidays.  I realize that it is not always going to be possible.  If there can be peace, I hope that it can begin with us and our families. 

I think that there is worthwhile in trying to see if you can reconcile with your family or family member in some way.  If you were not successful, there hopefully is the satisfaction that you tried.   Maybe in the future you can try again. 

Third Sunday of Advent: I know that some of you may not feel like it, but this is a day of joy.

Today is the third Sunday of Advent and it is the Sunday of Joy.  Joy is basically synonymous with happiness.   Of course, the focus of  joy in Advent is that there should be the feeling of joy in God's gift to humanity.
  
For the people reading this blog, I am assuming that "Joy" is a hard feeling to have or even reach for.  If you have had someone just die or you are having an otherwise difficult time Joy is elusive.

I think that if you have just had a loss or you are still grieving a loss, it is not a time of joy.  You are likely overwhelmed with negative feelings and physical stress, and you are not likely to feel joy.  I have a personal story seems appropriate here.

A Personal Story

I have referenced this in a prior post, but my wife had a miscarriage between the second and third weeks of Advent over a decade ago.  We were either numb or strong and we went into church and it was the --you guessed it--the Sunday of Joy in Advent.

While a few people said they were sorry, the few narcissists in the Sunday School class were matter of fact when we told them about our loss as if we had merely yawned.  It was a cheery sermon and the pastor, who was aware of our loss said in the sermon,

I know that some of you may not feel like it, but this is a day of joy.  

For several years, I could not have cared about the Sunday of joy in Advent--it turned out ironically to be a Sunday of grief for me.  I kept my manners and stayed seated and kept quiet.

Of course I was grieving and I tried to keep a stiff upper lip about it.  As I look back at today, I did think about that day 11 years ago, and I think that with the time, I have hurt less and less and I worked to look for and create joy.

Joy--it is often looked for and created.

Sometimes joy can be spontaneous in response to the positive situation, but it seems to come more from creation inside of you when there are current, negative circumstances.  We can find joy in something else if we are not feeling positive about that is in front of us.

Joy can be found in a number of actions or realizations. Joy may be a matter of "counting our blessings."  Joy can be a matter of looking at the bright side of life.   Joy can be felt from remembering what has been good in our past.

Joy as Irony

As I have sought to feel joy in my life, I have found myself working hard to reframe what is good and what I can do.  I think that finding joy in difficult times means realizing the good that came out of failures and disappointments. 

Joy in Faith

Despite real life and all of its distractions,  the observance of Advent has at least called me to realize the joy that I have in my salvation.  Many people feel lonely and unloved, but there is the love of God.    A strange concept to many is that the Bible says that all are sinners.  We all have fallen short of the mark (Romans 3:23).  We all deserve death (Romans 6:23).  But while we were sinners, Christ died for us (me included) Romans 5:8.  God loved us first that he gave his only son for us (John 3:16).

Where do you let your thoughts go?

As I have thought back over the past decade, joy is found more when you spend your energy looking for it and creating it.  I think that I have had to look for it today.  I do not think that I found it so much at church today (yes I said it), but I found it in other activities.

I also have had to limit how much I have thought back to the Sunday after the miscarriage.  I have chosen to give it minimal thought except for when writing this post. 

I have had to create joy in experimenting on that baking contest entry that flopped terribly (A death by chocolate-mint torte). I have found it in giving some picture frames to a friend who wants to try selling them on e-bay. 

As I look to close out this day, I have to say that my joy has not been ecstatic.  It has been pleasant, but not "over the top" as some might say.  I think that too many people expect joy to be an all-or-nothing proposition, and it is not.  

Closing thoughts

As I reflect on how this post has turned out, I realize that it has not been as intense as other posts have been.  I guess I would like to give a permission to not feel joy if you don't want to, and that your joy can be pleasant but not ecstatic. 

There are some people in intense pain and wanting relief from the hurt and physical stress of emotions. The reality is that that pain does not go away immediately but takes its time.  The Sunday of Joy in Advent is a day that most people going through grief and loss would rather avoid.  However, I do hope that if this has fit you, that you may find some small thing that gives you at least one second of joy.

Past Childhood Trauma and the Holidays

As an academic and as a professional, I have worked with many people who are survivors of childhood trauma.  For many survivors of trauma, the trauma lingers in the memories at the holidays; it is not so nice to remember in December.

There are several types of childhood trauma: sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, accidental injury, and witnessing violent and catastrophic events.  Many adults who had childhood traumas are affected at the holidays.

As a professional I have seen two general trends from survivors of childhood trauma: 1) overall avoidance of their families, and 2) struggling with flashbacks.  As with many things, I admit that I may be over-simplifying matters.

The avoidance of family members and family gatherings comes from personal choice, or from rejection by family.  Many people who suffered child abuse by parents and uncles and grandfathers run when they get the chance and do not look back.  If the child reported the abuse and child welfare authorities came in and investigated, the child is made out to be the lying villain.   There are problems either way.

The abused child. 

A child who discloses the abuse is considered to be a traitor by spilling the family secrets.  It is amazing how the adults in a family will engage in all-out psychological warfare to get the child to say that the child lied.  The child who recants the allegation is allowed to be a second-class family member as they are branded to be a liar and not to be trusted, but they are still allowed by family.  The child who sticks with the allegation may be rejected forever as a family member and becomes an orphan or is recognized as being dead to the family.

The person who did not disclose the child abuse out of fear and isolation has their problems later.  Many families with the presence of active sexual abuse have ways of appearing very private and guarded.  The child being abused is often made to feel isolated and helpless.  Family boundaries are observed as being farther out than normal and strangers are given warning shots in the forms of dirty looks, strange tirades, and bizarre passive-aggressive gestures that the strangers will give up in trying to be friends.

Children are also perfect victims.  The abuser also sends a regular warning message that reinforces the possible consequences of disclosure that can include death threats or making the child to be a heartless destroyer if they tell.

I still remember a patient telling about a step-father abusing her under the threat of killing her mother. The  patient said that she continued to allow her step-father to abuse her because she thought she was saving her mother's life.

The surviving adult

Not all adults who suffered child abuse by family members are severely affected.  Many adults have repressed  memories of the abuse or just are not affected.   However, many are affected either by having to deal with the pain of estrangement from family and/or the pain of flashbacks.

For the adult estranged from the family due to abuse, there can be a revisiting to the anger and sadness that estrangement brings.  This person may still long for the ideal traditional family gathering where people love each other, and they revisit the feelings of grief that they do have it.  This person has been cheated out of what is portrayed to be a normal family life, and the commercials at Christmas remind them of it.

For the adult who was abused by an uncle or grandfather, the holidays may mean potential contact with the abuser or perpetrator.  I have had multiple patients who talked about how the abuser was liked by everyone else in the family.  The repeating theme is that the rest of the family is denial about how this lovely person could ever do such a horrible thing.

The average survivor of childhood abuse or trauma has flashbacks either way.  A flashback is essentially a nightmare that that you have when you are awake, but it is based on what actually happened to you.  The flashbacks can be severe enough to take people out connection with reality.

Flashbacks are triggered by the different sensory experiences that we encounter.  Someone can remind you of the trauma.  A smell can take you back there.  A sound can take you back there.  A tactile sensation (something you feel) can take you back there.  A taste can take you back.    When you are taken back you feel fear and possibly terror and you are not necessarily being rational in your thinking.  I have been told by a number of patients that I reminded them of their perpetrator, and I had to bring them to reality by reminding them that I was who I am and I was not that person.

Choices

Books have been written about coping with child abuse, and there is just so much that could be written about surviving the holidays if you have related to this.  I will present some general options.

If you have been estranged or isolated from your family from the holidays due to childhood abuse, you have a choice of attempting reconciling or you have a choice of making the best of your situation.

You have a choice of making your holiday meaningful and as special as possible.  If you are needing togetherness and belonging at the holiday, then that is what you might consider creating.  I think that this is short notice for many people, but you may want to explore about hosting a gathering or find a gathering.

If you are being pressured to go to that family gathering where that perpetrator will be, you can say no.
Given how some of these family matriarchs and patriarchs can be, I cannot guarantee that you and your decision will be respected and you may be subject to persuasive shaming and self-pity.

It is possible that you will be reminded of gifts and money, and all that they have done for you.  Family members giving money and gifts often buy silence and compliance.   You may reluctantly choose to go because you feel you must.

If you are persuaded to go, you might choose to develop a survival plan.  This survival plan can include 1) go for a limited period of time, 2) plan where you will be and who you will sit by to avoid the perpetrator, 3) what you do, say and talk about if you have to talk to the perpetrator, and 4) have your excuse for leaving and rehearse for when you plan to leave.  If there is traveling involved to someone's house in another city, get a rental car and a hotel room to escape to.  If you are interested in reading more about this type of survival plan, you can look at Kaplan's book When Holidays Are Hell.  Go to this link:  http://www.amazon.com/When-Holidays-Are-Hell-Gatherings/dp/0934252777/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323574038&sr=1-1 and buy it new or used.  (I note here that I do not know Ms. Kaplan and I am independently recommending this book and I am not getting any compensation for recommending it). 

One last choice you can make is to isolate and be by yourself.  It is often the way of survivors.  You are in control and you can choose to take your pain on yourself by isolating.  I do not recommend this, but I also see that this choice to isolated may have other complications.  If you are going to isolate and be by yourself on the holidays, then I would suggest that you do things that make you happy.

This is a difficult subject to have written about.  In the end it is all about choices.  We do not all have the same choices, but it is up to each of us to select among our options, and hopefully we will choose that which is going to be best choice for us.   I do offer a message of hope: the holidays do not last forever.  There are only 23 days until the third of January.

Struggling for Faith at Christmas

Christmas offers the invitation to consider faith.  There is no doubt that in the western cultures with the church people will hear Christmas Carols that tell the story.  Even songs like Little Drummer Boy and Do You Hear What I Hear?  with no scriptural basis honor the message of the Bible that God became flesh or a human.    (Yep--there is no little drummer boy in the Bible, and the lamb telling the shepherd boy that the lamb heard something is not in the Bible either.)

I think that the struggle for faith at Christmas is a valid struggle. For whatever reason, many people have a problem with faith--especially religious faith.   Sometimes the struggle begins with considering what faith means in the first place.

Considering Faith

A good place to start is from Hebrews (11.1) in the Bible for a definition. It says that faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.    A person will take as real something they hoped for and have a conviction that some things will happen (in the case of the Bible--the promises of the Bible).

I have came to view that some people will not have faith--they are always going to want to see it or have it proved to them.  Miracles do not happen for these people as they are empiracists or positivistic in their thoughts.

In my life experience as a former doctoral student/candidate (with now an earned doctorate) and as a mental health professional, I had come to a view that faith begins where knowledge and fact ends.  I saw that with human limitation only so much analysis can be done and figured out.

As a mental health professional, I saw that if someone is not able to have faith, they are anxious because they do not know and their lives become out of balance.  They cannot accept the limits of their lives and abilities.  They cannot do everything, be everywhere, and know everything.   Faith is a risk and that they are not going to take that risk.

Faith Journeys

I think that faith is indeed an individual matter and a risk that we as individuals take or do not take. No one can believe for you. No one can truly make up your mind as to what you believe. 

Many people were raised in a particular "faith" or "church" with its doctrinal or theological distinctives. As people go through life, this group of people will tend to compare whether or not their faith is fitting their life experience. Therefore, some people stay and some people leave.

Some people were not raised in a church. They tend to follow their parents or most influential parental figure in their paradigm or way of ordering of life.   Faith just does not fit into their thinking.  

Some people have experienced tragedies which make them question the order of the world and I had a number of "arguments" at college with guys who either had tragedies or just one philosophy class and said, "If God exists, then why did this happen?" I did not have a good answer--but it made me go back to the reality that faith is a personal and individual matter.

Furthermore, your expectations as to what your faith is going to do for you is another matter that could be the source of stress and struggle at Christmas.   Unrealistic expectations mean frustration and worsened feelings of emptiness.

When Faith Does not Leave You Feeling Fulfilled

Some people want to feel a sense of wonder, warmth and fulfillment at Christmas in their faith.  The reality is that even the Christmas Story is not going to make you feel content, warm and tingly over.

There is meaning and then there is significance.    The meaning of the Christmas story is constant: God came to earth in the form of a man to save humanity from its sins.  Its significance (what it does for you) will change from time to time.

Some want to re-live anticipation for the coming of the Christ Child.  Some want to meet the baby in the manger all over again.  Some people are looking for that shot of faith to make them feel whole and in one piece.  In this case, some people may want to play Christmas music non-stop hoping that the holiday spirit and a renewed inner life happen simultaneously.

I say this at my own risk but the nativity scene or creche that many people set up in churches and homes can prove to be a worthless idol.  For many people, faith stops at the image of the babe in the manger.  You are not necessarily going to find God there and there is no guarantee that you will have a spiritual renewal because you have pondered upon the nativity scene.

You are not guaranteed to find God or renewal in the Christmas songs either.   The religious songs are about the Christmas Story, and music can touch our emotions, but O Little Town of Bethlehem just does not connect sometimes.  If you don't feel very good God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen may be hard to swallow.

I think that it is okay if you do not find a dynamic and strong sense of fulfillment and wonder at Christmas.  To expect that you are going to receive spiritual renewal and a reconnection with God each and every Christmas is unrealistic.   

Feelings and Faith

I think that many confuse Feelings and Faith.  Feelings and faith are different.  Feelings are energies that we have that motivate us to action.  Faith is what we believe in and hold to.   Two people can hold the same believe and have different emotions.

Considering myself a person of faith, I can say that the Christmas story has not stirred the same feelings every year.   My faith is something that does not guarantee that I am going to have the same sense of fulfillment or wonder each and everyday.  It took me several years to come to that conclusion and a few more to believe it was okay. 

Come as You Are

Regardless of how we feel about faith this year, the best that any of can do is to come as we are to this time of year.  Accepting  where you are in terms of faith often means less stress. 

The Christian message in the Christmas Story that gets lost is that the babe was born because people were in the dark and lost.  The babe wasn't born for the people who were already perfect, but for the people with problems, issues pain and suffering.  As an adult, the babe hung out with corrupt tax collectors and prostitutes and was unjustly executed between two criminals.  It is not a happy story that invites struggle.