This year is proving to be a change for my family in that we are changing our traditions and it feels like a relief.
My wife and I have changed churches. This may not mean anything for the non-church-goer, but aside from the actual theology and belief, church membership has a lot of ancillary meaning like identify and belonging.
We will go to a different church for Christmas Eve. I am not going to light candles or serve communion as a Deacon. I am not missing the sense of responsibility.
We used to have a pizza party every New Years Eve where we would invite mostly people from the church to drop in and have some food and celebrate. It was one of the two times a year we would really clean the house. I would spend most of New Years Eve day making the dough and sous-chef-ing all the ingredients. It was fulfilling to share and make an attempt to build relationships with people in the church and maintain connections with some of those who left.
While it gave me joy to make delicious pizza that my friends enjoyed (my Chicago-style usually turned out great) we are not doing that this year and I am not missing it. I am not sure if we will do it again.
Traditions are Markers of Our Relationships
There is a lot of identity in being a member of a particular congregation or body of worship and its traditions. People take pride and have grounding in calling themselves a Catholic, a Baptist, a Presbyterian, a Methodist, a Lutheran, and any other identifying pronoun that goes with a faith.
Furthermore, when you are part of a congregation you live your life with the same group of people and in your relationships you share memories, pain, sorry and most of all joy. You watch each other's children grow up and go through the traditions and ceremonies of the church. You have an extra subject or two you can talk about with your fellow or sister church member and you hopefully have more empathy when you talk about your struggles and pain as you have a greater sense of intimacy because you share the same beliefs.
The Significance of Traditions Can Change Because Relationships Change
Since churches are full of imperfect people, they occasionally offend each other. Some of the acknowledged offenses are overlooked and people move on in their relationships. Some of the offenses and conflicts are non-negotiables and people draw lines immediately and leave. For many the list of small problems build up and culminate to a point where you say, it is more painful to stay and to leave.
Often when it is more painful to stay than leave, you may come to a point where you feel that you are not connecting, or others are failing to connect with you as they ignore you or they seem to avoid you. As relational organizations, churches are also political and the politics drive the decisions and also drive the relationships. Not everything done in a church is on principle and sound practice because the powers that be want something and thus the traditions can actually become painful points of connection and so continuing to attend is torture.
Furthermore, churches are groups of cliques and if your close connections have left, the other cliques tend to be full or do not make room for you, you are left out. Sometimes others in their arrogance, guardedness, introversion or self-absorption don't comprehend the necessity of engaging with you in your attempts to connect with them. (Like the group of old friends sitting at a table at a Wednesday night dinner ignoring you when you take the empty seat.) In the end, when you leave such a situation you have this double-bind of grief where it hurts to stay but you are also grieving the piece that you left of yourself at that church.
Church aside, there are family traditions that hold memories of pain rather than joy, and some people try to continue them because they feel the need to continue them as part of the family and then wonder why others do not want to take part? This too is a tough one because there is the double bind of grief and loss. Not all family members with their different personalities and worldviews are affected the same by grief and loss in the same way and manner and so while some want to carry on a tradition, others want nothing of it out of the pain.
A Painful End can be a Joyful Start of Another
Our relationships in the here and now are the relationships we have. Each and every holiday (and everyday for that matter) we have the potential to start new rituals and traditions that connect us over the years. The traditions are markers of our identity together as family, friends, and church goers. In and of themselves they have no meaning other than what we give to them.
It can be a mixed bag to give up traditions when they had meaning but also connected pain. Feelings are not always clear cut but mixtures of emotions connected to the different thoughts and pieces of information--that is why we are often "torn" or have "mixed feelings." We often have to take some time and "sort out" our feelings, especially getting through the awkwardness of the first time without the tradition.
All Traditions Start as Experiments
I have decided that traditions actually evolve rather than just mechanically happen. Getting together with others and doing things start and build the traditions. Many traditions start as experiments. The experiments that have good outcomes become traditions.
I am not sure what experiments we will do this year as part of our changes, but I think the time together will be good anyway (especially if I can pull my 17-year-old away from his screens).
I hope that if you are experimenting with new traditions, you will find some joy in at least the fact you tried something new.
My wife and I have changed churches. This may not mean anything for the non-church-goer, but aside from the actual theology and belief, church membership has a lot of ancillary meaning like identify and belonging.
We will go to a different church for Christmas Eve. I am not going to light candles or serve communion as a Deacon. I am not missing the sense of responsibility.
We used to have a pizza party every New Years Eve where we would invite mostly people from the church to drop in and have some food and celebrate. It was one of the two times a year we would really clean the house. I would spend most of New Years Eve day making the dough and sous-chef-ing all the ingredients. It was fulfilling to share and make an attempt to build relationships with people in the church and maintain connections with some of those who left.
While it gave me joy to make delicious pizza that my friends enjoyed (my Chicago-style usually turned out great) we are not doing that this year and I am not missing it. I am not sure if we will do it again.
Traditions are Markers of Our Relationships
There is a lot of identity in being a member of a particular congregation or body of worship and its traditions. People take pride and have grounding in calling themselves a Catholic, a Baptist, a Presbyterian, a Methodist, a Lutheran, and any other identifying pronoun that goes with a faith.
Furthermore, when you are part of a congregation you live your life with the same group of people and in your relationships you share memories, pain, sorry and most of all joy. You watch each other's children grow up and go through the traditions and ceremonies of the church. You have an extra subject or two you can talk about with your fellow or sister church member and you hopefully have more empathy when you talk about your struggles and pain as you have a greater sense of intimacy because you share the same beliefs.
The Significance of Traditions Can Change Because Relationships Change
Since churches are full of imperfect people, they occasionally offend each other. Some of the acknowledged offenses are overlooked and people move on in their relationships. Some of the offenses and conflicts are non-negotiables and people draw lines immediately and leave. For many the list of small problems build up and culminate to a point where you say, it is more painful to stay and to leave.
Often when it is more painful to stay than leave, you may come to a point where you feel that you are not connecting, or others are failing to connect with you as they ignore you or they seem to avoid you. As relational organizations, churches are also political and the politics drive the decisions and also drive the relationships. Not everything done in a church is on principle and sound practice because the powers that be want something and thus the traditions can actually become painful points of connection and so continuing to attend is torture.
Furthermore, churches are groups of cliques and if your close connections have left, the other cliques tend to be full or do not make room for you, you are left out. Sometimes others in their arrogance, guardedness, introversion or self-absorption don't comprehend the necessity of engaging with you in your attempts to connect with them. (Like the group of old friends sitting at a table at a Wednesday night dinner ignoring you when you take the empty seat.) In the end, when you leave such a situation you have this double-bind of grief where it hurts to stay but you are also grieving the piece that you left of yourself at that church.
Church aside, there are family traditions that hold memories of pain rather than joy, and some people try to continue them because they feel the need to continue them as part of the family and then wonder why others do not want to take part? This too is a tough one because there is the double bind of grief and loss. Not all family members with their different personalities and worldviews are affected the same by grief and loss in the same way and manner and so while some want to carry on a tradition, others want nothing of it out of the pain.
A Painful End can be a Joyful Start of Another
Our relationships in the here and now are the relationships we have. Each and every holiday (and everyday for that matter) we have the potential to start new rituals and traditions that connect us over the years. The traditions are markers of our identity together as family, friends, and church goers. In and of themselves they have no meaning other than what we give to them.
It can be a mixed bag to give up traditions when they had meaning but also connected pain. Feelings are not always clear cut but mixtures of emotions connected to the different thoughts and pieces of information--that is why we are often "torn" or have "mixed feelings." We often have to take some time and "sort out" our feelings, especially getting through the awkwardness of the first time without the tradition.
All Traditions Start as Experiments
I have decided that traditions actually evolve rather than just mechanically happen. Getting together with others and doing things start and build the traditions. Many traditions start as experiments. The experiments that have good outcomes become traditions.
I am not sure what experiments we will do this year as part of our changes, but I think the time together will be good anyway (especially if I can pull my 17-year-old away from his screens).
I hope that if you are experimenting with new traditions, you will find some joy in at least the fact you tried something new.
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