I have decided to think about grief over the next few posts. Grief is the number one detractor of the holiday season.
There are many reasons why people grieve. This post cannot cover every reason, but it will try to cover the different categories.
To me the best definition of grief is: The natural emotional response to the loss of a cherished person, thing, or idea.
If something or someone is not cherished then we do not grieve it or the person. For example, when I dropped the french fry on the floor of my car Wednesday night going to my brother's house for Thanksgiving, I simply threw it out and did not give it a second thought. A second example is actor Larry Hagman's death. Most of my Friday nights in high school in the 1980's were complete with Dallas coming on at 9pm, but when Larry Hagman died over the weekend, I did not feel much at all because I did not personally know him. These are non-examples of grief.
(Mind you I suspect that other people who were die-hard fans of Larry Hagman took it harder. That is their right.)
The cherished people
When it comes to grief, thoughts usually first come to the cherished people in our lives. Loss of people means people dying, people leaving, relationships ending, friends moving, and even more so now, loved ones developing dementia and slowing becoming zombies.
For me, my grandmother died back in May. I would say that she is a cherished member of my family. Now that she is gone, I still find myself having a little bit of grief, but I have prepared myself for a number of years as she had been headed towards the century mark, and she had not been a central figure in making Christmas for the better part of 16 years.
However, it is rough for most people who have lost a family member or loved one. The holiday just is not the same without the cherished person.
The more central the cherished person was in the holiday, the harder it is. The loved one who had "made" Christmas and who had all the family over is irreplaceable and the family is almost lost without him or her at Christmas.
Pets are people too.
A pet is an emotional presence in a person's life. A pet accepts you without judgment. A pet usually greets you and seems happy to see you. A pet lives with its master for up to decades. People do grow emotionally close to pets. I have seen people cry when talking about a deceased pet. I think that it is perfectly appropriate or healthy to grieve your pet . . . it is not stupid.
The Things or Stuff
Regardless of priorities, I do believe that people will cry over losing cherished things. Cherished things hold value and meaning. Things cost money and if something is lost, the effort and time is lost. Cherished things hold memories and symbols of experiences and the love of people.
Even though it is just stuff, and it seems cheesy, I think that people do grieve the loss.
Ideas
People chase dreams. Often the chase is a dead-end.
Typically when people chase dreams we think of the person packing up and go to Hollywood, Nashville, Broadway or some other entertainment "Mecca" to go for it. Many people enter degree programs to go after a desired profession. Many people take risks to open their own businesses. People give up their dreams because they are flat out told they have no chance, or they have to give it up for other reasons.
Some people have simpler dreams of finding that soul mate or having that family. Mr or Ms. Right does not appear or leaves. The news of infertility ends hope of having a biological child. Depending on the intensity of the pursuit, and how much blood, sweat and tears are put in, the resulting pain is equally intense.
It is up to you to decide if it is grief
Grief can be as individual as the person. People miss different things in different intensity levels. Some family members miss a deceased loved more than others. Things and ideas are of different value to different people.
If you are having emotion about something, then it could be grief. You are the decider.
Why does this matter?
While grief is a natural response to loss, if it is allowed to go on too long, grief gets in the way of other things, events, and relationships that matter. Some people shut themselves off from priorities and relationships in the here and now that should get the energy spent on grief. They lose more than just the object being grieved.
I do not leave you with easy answers as to how you should proceed, but I have some general guidelines. If you are continuing to grieve the loss of a person, place or thing that happened within the last 12 months, then grief is considered to be normal, and this holiday is going to be a time that is a little bit (or more) difficult and you will feel like you are surviving However, if you are continuing to grieve a person, thing, or idea that was lost more than two years ago, then seeing a counselor/therapist or going to a support group could be of benefit to help restore the holidays to more of a time of joy.
In the next several posts, I will be looking at the different stages of grief and how they show up in the holidays.
There are many reasons why people grieve. This post cannot cover every reason, but it will try to cover the different categories.
To me the best definition of grief is: The natural emotional response to the loss of a cherished person, thing, or idea.
If something or someone is not cherished then we do not grieve it or the person. For example, when I dropped the french fry on the floor of my car Wednesday night going to my brother's house for Thanksgiving, I simply threw it out and did not give it a second thought. A second example is actor Larry Hagman's death. Most of my Friday nights in high school in the 1980's were complete with Dallas coming on at 9pm, but when Larry Hagman died over the weekend, I did not feel much at all because I did not personally know him. These are non-examples of grief.
(Mind you I suspect that other people who were die-hard fans of Larry Hagman took it harder. That is their right.)
The cherished people
When it comes to grief, thoughts usually first come to the cherished people in our lives. Loss of people means people dying, people leaving, relationships ending, friends moving, and even more so now, loved ones developing dementia and slowing becoming zombies.
For me, my grandmother died back in May. I would say that she is a cherished member of my family. Now that she is gone, I still find myself having a little bit of grief, but I have prepared myself for a number of years as she had been headed towards the century mark, and she had not been a central figure in making Christmas for the better part of 16 years.
However, it is rough for most people who have lost a family member or loved one. The holiday just is not the same without the cherished person.
The more central the cherished person was in the holiday, the harder it is. The loved one who had "made" Christmas and who had all the family over is irreplaceable and the family is almost lost without him or her at Christmas.
Pets are people too.
A pet is an emotional presence in a person's life. A pet accepts you without judgment. A pet usually greets you and seems happy to see you. A pet lives with its master for up to decades. People do grow emotionally close to pets. I have seen people cry when talking about a deceased pet. I think that it is perfectly appropriate or healthy to grieve your pet . . . it is not stupid.
The Things or Stuff
Regardless of priorities, I do believe that people will cry over losing cherished things. Cherished things hold value and meaning. Things cost money and if something is lost, the effort and time is lost. Cherished things hold memories and symbols of experiences and the love of people.
Even though it is just stuff, and it seems cheesy, I think that people do grieve the loss.
Ideas
People chase dreams. Often the chase is a dead-end.
Typically when people chase dreams we think of the person packing up and go to Hollywood, Nashville, Broadway or some other entertainment "Mecca" to go for it. Many people enter degree programs to go after a desired profession. Many people take risks to open their own businesses. People give up their dreams because they are flat out told they have no chance, or they have to give it up for other reasons.
Some people have simpler dreams of finding that soul mate or having that family. Mr or Ms. Right does not appear or leaves. The news of infertility ends hope of having a biological child. Depending on the intensity of the pursuit, and how much blood, sweat and tears are put in, the resulting pain is equally intense.
It is up to you to decide if it is grief
Grief can be as individual as the person. People miss different things in different intensity levels. Some family members miss a deceased loved more than others. Things and ideas are of different value to different people.
If you are having emotion about something, then it could be grief. You are the decider.
Why does this matter?
While grief is a natural response to loss, if it is allowed to go on too long, grief gets in the way of other things, events, and relationships that matter. Some people shut themselves off from priorities and relationships in the here and now that should get the energy spent on grief. They lose more than just the object being grieved.
I do not leave you with easy answers as to how you should proceed, but I have some general guidelines. If you are continuing to grieve the loss of a person, place or thing that happened within the last 12 months, then grief is considered to be normal, and this holiday is going to be a time that is a little bit (or more) difficult and you will feel like you are surviving However, if you are continuing to grieve a person, thing, or idea that was lost more than two years ago, then seeing a counselor/therapist or going to a support group could be of benefit to help restore the holidays to more of a time of joy.
In the next several posts, I will be looking at the different stages of grief and how they show up in the holidays.
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