Oh No. New Years Eve--another romaticized and lonely holiday

I am planning two more entries for this blog before closing shop and while I have been talking about putting the past behind and looking to the future, it does serve to recognize that New Years Eve is another opportunity for pain and loneliness. 

How New Years Eve is Celebrated

New Years Eve seems to be more of an individual time where people are with friends and significant others than with families.  It is supposed to be a fun time where people get together to mark the changing the of the year.  The ideal is to put on tuxedos and ball gowns and throw confetti and drink champagne when the clock strikes midnight new years eve.

Some people are stand in Times Square in New York City to watch the ball drop.  When the ball drops couples will give each other a kiss to ring in the new year.  Some will propose marriage to each other. I do not find standing out in the cold for up to eight hours very interesting, but I am satisfied to watch it on TV in the comfort of my livingroom as I burrow in thinking how safe I am being off the road from all the likely drunk drivers on the road.

Some people may go to church services to ring in the new year.  For them it is a spiritual event to be with God.

Where the pain and loneliness is . . .

For many people, it will be lonely.  Maybe some had hopes that by this time they would have someone to hold and be with and the wait would be over--someone who would make them feel special and with whom they belonged.  Others have lost loved ones during the year and this is another holiday without them.   Some people have gotten separated and/or divorced and are still reeling in the numbness of the loss of the relationship.   The emotions get complicated when you are alone and you do not feel like being with anyone. 

Loneliness is when being alone hurts and we have a need to be with people.  It is complicated when someone is a survivor and has a hard time trusting.  This is something I have discussed in other blog posts.

New years eve seems to be associated with alcohol assumption.  Many people will drink themselves to the point of being drunk.  They will have poor judgment and get behind the steering wheels of their cars and they will get arrested at some police checkpoint. 

At this point, I have to recognize as I have in other posts that some people are going to have pain as they think about the hurts of the past year.   Some will simply drink themselves to sleep to escape the loneliness and pain.

Moving on.

If you are not relating to this, congratulations.  If you are relating to the material I am writing tonight, I would encourage you to try and focus on something else tonight and work to stop focusing on pain. They call this 'thought stopping.'  Maybe think about what you want from the new year (see my previous blog). Consider watching the dropping of the ball on TV and then go to bed.  

It is another holiday that will end and tomorrow will be a new day.  I wish I had something better to say but hold on, consider reading some of the previous posts of this blog if you are looking for coping skills.

See you next year--or better yet tomorrow.  

Pressing forward and putting the past behind us

The google stats function does not exactly tell me how many repeat visitors following me, but I am rehashing the subject of dealing with the past since we are dealing with a point in time where we look back and we look ahead and try to balance the two.  Forgive me if this repeats too much since I have talked about regrets and past trauma, but since this is now the new year weekend I had a new thought.

We all have a history and we often find ourselves facing with it as it sometimes keeps us from moving forward.  We can feel paralyzed by the past whether it is the critical comments of parents and other influential people or our own mistakes.   On the other hand, some people have had so much success that they do not feel that they can keep it up.   The product is a lack of confidence that keeps us from moving forward and feeling fulfilled and satisfied for what we are doing.

Legitimate life long consequences.

There are some situations where there will be life-long consequences.  There will be some scars on reputations and bodies due to poor judgment and bad decisions and otherwise bad circumstances. 

These scars may legitimately prevent some opportunities from happening such as getting certain jobs due to a felony.  Felonies may also keep individuals from getting admitted to schools and getting professional licensure in multiple professions.

Some relationships get changed forever through divorce and extra-marital affairs.  Some people lose statuses as trustees and deacons in churches.  Ministers who studied extra to follow the call of God get fired and have to leave the ministry due to divorce and extra-marital affairs.  I have met one minister who was genuinely repentant and one who rationalized his behavior by calling the church's values "archaic."   Nevertheless, infidelity and divorce do often shake and shatter worlds.

In these cases a person faces new limits and boundaries that cut off desired opportunities.  The limits and boundaries are both an emotional and physical stress that make people want to hide.  From what I can tell, people have grief and loss processes that they must go through to put the past behind and look for ways to move on.

Emotional blocks

Some of the trauma we have experience by abusive parents and abusive bosses may put a block on our beliefs about what we can do and not do.   Many adults still hold onto childhood beliefs without questioning their validity.

One powerful block on confidence is being a victim of a violent crime that include robbery and rape.  Trauma from violence has this way of shaking previously confident adults.   Yes, a once-confident adult is reduced to a person cowering in fear and paranoia over whether it is going to happen again.


Thinking about what could have been can be a dead end

Some people have done some really bad things and they will likely think about what they did every day, but the world keeps turning. While I do not have precise answers, there can be opportunity in the future.  The question is whether or now you will let yourself look in that direction. 

I have seen that the act of comparing what could have been with what is has been a common human activity.  I think that we all do it.  Doing it for a long time takes energy away from moving ahead.  

Along these lines, guessing what your high school and college classmates might be thinking and doing, and comparing their success with yours can also be a waste.  Unless you are actually stuck around a bunch of them and they are talkative sorts, then it is legitimate.  However the majority of people from our past have moved on and are living their own lives--it is highly unlikely they are dwelling on your faults.

Often we paralyze ourselves when we put ourselves in competition with others. The ridiculous part is that we work up a big, imaginary picture in our heads of what they are doing versus that we will never verify and can never, ever know.

The world moves on. People forget what happened and are busy with their own business and worries.  However, we make ourselves feel as if our problems are the leading story on the national network news every night and that everyone is glued to the screen sitting on edge to hear every detail.  

Get up again

When we fall, it is a matter of getting up again.  Some people will be able to get up and run.  However, I think most people when they get up again, they take one slow, step at a time.  Going slower is more more normal. 

Getting up to pursue opportunity may be first a matter of convincing yourself that it is what you are going to do.  Then you may have to slowly knock on doors to determine what your reality is.

We cannot get up the same way to the same opportunities--it just does not happen.  However, I think that the future, including the new year offers that can be positive, fulfilling and rewarding.  It just depends on whether we are looking for them or staring backwards and failing to see what is coming.

Goals (not resolutions) for the New Year

Over the past several years, I have tried to make a list of goals for the new year.  I have not been successful every year in making the list, but it has been helpful when I do.  I think that creating a list of goals makes for a more positive outlook and a balanced life.

I got interested in making lists of goals after listening to a tape by Charles Givens.  He decided on what he wanted to do and achieve.   He said that his list of goals were items that he wrote down with a marker on a pad of paper.  Givens said that when he got done with the list he came up with another list of things that he wanted to do.

Goals: What are they?

My definition of a goal is a desired, specific accomplishment or achievement.  For the purpose of this post--a goal can also be a project.  They can take a few minutes or they can take years.  They can be big or small.  We can have goals for the minute, hour, day, or our lives.

I frankly think that a healthy goal should be something that takes no more than a few years at the most (although it took me seven (7) years to get my Ph.D.).  Otherwise we tend to waste energy when we could accomplish smaller tasks that matter to us.

How do we decide the goals we pursue?

There are many sources of goals.  Ideally goals arise out of our values and principles.  Goals also arise out of corporate mission statements, which are related to individual values and principles.  Goals also arise out of our interests and curiosities.  Goals also arise out of our less-than desirable circumstances (we may decide that we need to find a new job, career, or living situation).

What makes for a good goal?

A good goal should be concrete, measurable, reasonable, and achievable.  A good goal should push you a little and make you work and stretch yourself so that you grow.

To say I want to be a better person or I want to be skinny are not concrete but vague and nebulous and nowhere likely to be accomplished--and lead to hopelessness and frustration and lower self-esteem.  More concrete goals in these cases are I am going to stop swearing or gossiping or I am going to join Weight Watchers and endeavor to lose 30 pounds.

To say I want to be the next Tom Cruise is concrete, and probably measureable, but the only way I could be the next Tom Cruise is to go and legally change my name--and will not make me achieve Hollywood Star status making millions of dollars a picture.  (I actually relish my plain average person status and feel relieved sometimes that the Tabloids are not interested in me and that  Paparazzi do not follow me around trying to get embarassing and unflattering pictures).  Some concrete goals are nothing more than pipe dreams.

Examples of Goals:

The following are lists of good and reasonable goals for average people.

• Run or walk in a mini marathon.
• Plant a garden if you have the space
• Read five books in different subject areas.
• Save a specific amount of money.
• Get specific projects done in your house.
• Redo your resume.
• Find a new job.
• Take a night class (a foreign language class would be good).
• Take the ACT, SAT or GRE test this year.
• Go back to school
• Get a new professional certification
• Go on a vacation to someplace different.
• Build a wood project or an electronic project.

End result: Satisfaction and fulfillment

One of my most challenging projects on my lists over the years was re-doing the floor of the workroom of my garage in 2010.  The original owner/builder of the garage put down tile back in the 1970s.  It was ugly and moldy due to dry rot and what the regular flooding did to the adhesive.  I had to stop in part due to distraction from family medical issues, and I had to figure someway to remove the tile because I kept going through propane torches trying to heat the tile.  It took me trial and error but I ended up using a hatchet to chop at the tile.  I then finally was able to epoxy paint the floor in 2010. 

It was a simple goal that turned out not to be so simple and it challenged me, but I still feel very good about the accomplishment.  It looks good and I did it myself. There was something about the process that stretched me in figuring out how to get the job done. 

Limits: don't create too long of a list

If this idea of a list of goals appeals to you, go for it.  However, I think some restraint is in order.  I think a list of goals should be no longer than 10 goals.  When people make too many goals the size of the list can be overwhelming and people never get anything done. There is always the option of adding to the list when you accomplish the goals.

I hope that your 2012 is a year full of satisfaction and achievement because you set good goals to make your life better.  

Resolutions: The self-torture prior to New Years Day.

I usually hear something every year about resolutions.  With the turn of the new year, we want to do that we should have done.  Many want to stop cussing, drink less, be nicer or mainly lose weight.

Of course I think that I am a sucker for resolutions.  I make my few--usually about weight loss.

Nearly everyone who makes them is unable to keep them for longer than a few days.  However, it never fails to amaze me that that the different weight loss products take a center spot in stores about now.  I figure that many people will buy one box or one cannister and it will sit partially empty for the rest of the year.

I think that most resolutions fail because they are vague, general goals.  They are also generally drastic in nature versus achievable.  To get skinny is a lot harder than to lose 20 pounds.

I think that many people stress over the large or radical goals that they want to achieve; they are being too idealistic.  They push themselves and immediately start dreading the possible misery that the changes will encounter. They cannot keep it up and soon feel depressed that they failed. 

Sustainability

It is my opinon that for us to make changes that mean something, we have to be able to sustain them--that is be able to keep them going.   We should have expectations that are realistic . . . in other words they are lower and go slower or take longer.  The lower our expectations and the slower we are able to go, the more sustainable the goal or resolution is.

I think that it is harder to go slower on many resolutions because of what I call the microwave oven effect.  We can do a lot of other things faster in this world that include rapid heating of food in a microwave and send information on the internet.  However, there are many other goals and tasks that are going to take time regardless of how fast we can get other things done.

Frustration Tolerance

When we ponder that achievements like weight loss are going to take time, we get frustrated.  People who cannot work through the feeling of frustration either do not start or do not finish the race.  A scholar and professional named Marsha Lenihan noted that many need to develop the coping skills to handle and tolerate the feeling of frusration. Being able to feel the frusration is half the battle.


Concluding thoughts

Well, if you are pondering a resolution for the new year and feeling scared or dread, consider slowing down.  It is your life and unless you get into an office weight-loss contest life is otherwise not a race.  You and I live life at the pace we essentially choose. When you and I feel like we have to compete with others in achieving resolutions, we torture ourselves even more.  It does not have to be that way.

The future--don't get carried away worrying about it.

With the coming of the new year, people do contemplate and worry about what the new year will bring.  We're getting older, we may not have been satisfied or we were disappointed with 2011 . . . the list could go on as to why to dread the new year.

2011 has had its dread.  The Reverend Harold Camping made his two predictions.  Many are freaking out about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012. 

Throughout my life, I have seen doom-sayer after doom-sayer make predictions and then crawl away after their 15 minutes of notoriety.  Prior to the fall of the Soviet Union, there were countless people engaged in studying and rehashing prophecy about who was the anti-christ and when Jesus was coming back.

I am one of those people who have decided not to get carried away about how or when the world is going to end . . . at least now.   I find that too much emotion and not enough logic is behind all of those scares.  Perhaps I am cynical--no one is perfect.

When it comes down to it, I have to take a few cues from the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.  There is nothing new under the sun--stuff comes around again.  All economic forecasting is basically a form of saying the past is going to be the future.   However, to me the most salient statement in Ecclesiastes is 7:14,

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future. (NIV)

I think that the passages of the Bible indicate that people have always dreaded the future.  Some generations had more to dread than others. 

History is always a good teacher.  While nothing is guaranteed, the world has kept turning. 

Getting spiritual for a moment, there are a few things that believers in God can take comfort in.  There is a future and Jesus Christ is coming back. When is a mystery, but it will happen.  Until then you and I have a choice as to how we are to live--hopefully in the wisest possible way.

That being said, I blend in a secular statement from Wayne Dyer:

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.

And so it was Christmas . . . and what had you done? Does it matter now?

December 26 has came and is almost gone.  It is now a symbol that the great capitalist economic engine moves on after exploiting a holy day with its after-Christmas sales.

The Christmas music has stopped playing in retail stores, and the all-Christmas-music all-the-time format has given way to the regular Gen-X or light-rock rotations.  I was almost embarrassed today when my kids were pressing practically all the Christmas music digital samples on a compact disc display in the Christmas section today of a store.  I was sick of Christmas music, and I imagine others are too (although they will still be playing Christmas music at the "Feast of the Epiphany" mass).  

The different discount retailers I had visited have slashed prices on the now passe' Christmas items--and most of the Christmas items are gone.  They have started to put out New Years party items and over-the-counter diet pills and diet shake powders.  I figure tomorrow they will start putting out Valentine items, and before you know it there will be Easter items.  

There is the reality that no matter how you feel the world moves on. Yesterday may have been meaningful, empty, lonely, sad, tumulteous, enraging, or just plain dismal for you, but the media, economy, and the world are moving on.   Some of us may still be licking our wounds, but the world is calling us to move on with it regardless of our pain or nostalgia.

What keeps us in the past?

We usually stay in the past when there is anger.  We continue to dwell on the pain and abuse suffered at the hands of others.   When we dwell on the anger, we usually are simultaneously angry at ourselves because we could have and should have done something to defend ourselves or defeat the scumbucket abuser.  In this case to move out of the past there is the need to forgive ourselves and forgive the offender in order to stop wasting energy on the past.

Some do continue to be nostalgic and dwell on how the past was better than the present.  Given the current recession and high unemployment rate, this is not unreasonable.   The author of Ecclesiastes noted thousands of years ago that people were doing this then too:

Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”
For it is not wise to ask such questions. (Ecclesiastes 7:10) (NIV)

I think that we all get nostalgic at times when times are tough--it reminds us that things have been good for us and not all bad, but too much of it also keeps people in the past. 

Nostalgia is an idealistic rememberance of the past that ignores that it had problems too.  For example, I remember my now-dying grandmother being nostalgic in 1983 how cheap college tuition was during the great depression years, but the reality was that no one had much money and so supply had to reach down to demand when it came to pricing.  Nostalgia also can spend way too much of our energy needed for today.

 Things matter only as much as we let them

Whether yesterday was great or terrible, it will matter today and tomorrow as much as we let it matter.  The amount of time we spend thinking about it and the intensity of emotion we allow show how much something or someone matters. 

If we have been nursing a grudge for years, we have been investing a lot in the pain.  Just beginning to forgive ourselves and our offenders is a grief process in itself.  We have been putting so much of our time and resources feeling angry and thinking about what was done to us and researching (versus fantastizing) alternative options for revenge.

There comes a point in time where the hurt and pain becomes irrelevant to our situation.  After so much passage of time the average person in our circles cannot relate to us when we talk about bitterness we have carried for so long.  They cannot even begin to relate to the embarrassments or incidents or issues of 1978 or 1987 or even 1997.   It goes back to things matter only as much as you let them matter today because they are only in your memory.

Well, I have to move on too.  I am thinking to the future, and my next posts will relate to the future. 

Peace in the Quiet on Christmas Day

Well, today is Christmas Day, a day where we remember the coming of the Prince of Peace.  The world around me seems quiet.   It is not all quiet as the news had stories about two churches in Africa being bombed by Islamic groups.  But for me the freeway that is about 120 feet away is quiet and I have not heard any sirens.  The traffic was light to church and back.   

The children got along for the most part until they had some typical sibling rivalry while playing Wii before church.  Except for the dishwasher and television, the house is quiet as we settle down to quiet time and naps.

At church we sang I heard the bells on Christmas Day. I saw someone roughly a century and a half ago struggling with the issue of justice and hate on Christmas Day. 

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

The author's encounter with God comes through the ringing of these bells in that the music (not words speak to him):

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men
Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Given my journey and my expectations, I can look at today and say that the silence will be good today.  As I reflect, it has not always been good.

The silence and quiet is sometimes scary

For silence to be enjoyed there often has to be peace within a person, and of course one of the phrases is "peace on earth and good will towards man."  People hope and expect to find peace at Christmas, and religious faith does not always seem to cut it.

However, peace depends on one's expectation.   If our expectations are not met and we are not feeling a sense of contentment, we will likely feel unsettled and uncomfortable inside.  The silence often is uncomfortable as we feel the anxiety.

I have came to decide that there is an emotional continuum when it comes to silence and being alone.

Need                       Ambivalence                                   Need
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Privacy                   Content                                            Loneliness

At one end is need where we seek privacy and we set boundaries and be by ourselves.  At the other end is the need for people and we are feeling lonely.   In the middle we have a point where we at a relative sense of peace and we are ambivalent or we could care less about being around people.

It has been my opinion that when we have anxiety and pain, we generally have a difficult time being alone with our thoughts and we cannot stand the silence.   When leading therapy groups over the years, I have seen people start to giggle nervously when the room grows quiet--their anxiety was too high to be able to stand the silence.

We also are more likely to feel lonely when we are thinking about our regrets, our hurts, and our unfulfilled expectations.  If someone is a survivor who is guarded and stays away from people, the loneliness may be more intense than they would care to admit, but they are able to make it look they just need more privacy.

Peace is a choice and a priority

As I have noted elsewhere in these blog posts, we have choices.  We have choices with our activities, words, and thoughts.  Peace within a person is a choice.  Sometimes it takes work and practice.
In a sense it is an act of faith.  Too many people think that if they let their guard down, they are going to miss something. 

Not everything in this world is too important to miss.  Everything will have its importance at one time or another.  Everything cannot be of equal importance at the same time. 

Furthermore, not everything demands attention at this time.  We usually can prioritize matters as to when they are due.  It is amazing how much more peace and comfort people feel when they prioritize.

Too many of us dwell on the pain of the past.  It is only as important as we prioritize it.  We will remember it, but dwelling sometines makes it too important and we disrupt our inner peace, afterall, we can do nothing to resolve the past--it is gone except in how we remember it.  Dwelling on the past can create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Tomorrow has yet to come.  We will deal with it when we get there.  Worrying about it can also create a sense of loneliness and anxiety.

Today only has to be as complicated as we make it.  In the uncomplicated present we can deal with it to a relative satisfaction and we can create some sense of peace even with a dying relative or a toxic relative drinking their fifth beer and getting belligerant.

As usual, I can do this for me, but I cannot do it for you.  I hope that you are able to choose and find peace in the quiet of this Christmas Day.