One of the attitudes in the past year that I have become mindful is that of "limits." When I work late there is a certain point in time where I have reached my physical limit and I have lost my mental edge or sharpness. At that time I am both mentally and physically drained, and I cannot see another patient to assess whether or not they should be admitted to the psychiatric hospital. I must respect my physical limits or I will make unnecessary mistakes and I will be no good to anyone.
Limits are often quiet difficult to accept. No human can do it all, know it all or be everywhere. However many people push their limits in saying to themselves that they should be doing more, or doing it better. Many people also beat themselves up over the stuff they should have known in the past.
Well they can’t and they didn’t and they dwell and fret over manufactured hopelessness and regret; they don’t necessary learn from the mistake or past situation—they just beat themselves up.
Mind you some regret is not bad. We need some regret and guilt to keep our moral compass.
Limits in Grief and Loss
However, not all regret is over moral issues. Much regret is had because we think if we would have known to have done something differently; the outcome would have been differently. Otherwise, some people believe that if they would not have gone home from their dying loved one’s side, they would have been there when that person died.
However, many people assume the truth and believe that they screwed up when there was no right or wrong answer to a situation. People who are perfectionists stay in the grief stage of anger because they do not accept their limits. Perfectionism does not allow you to have limits. You are supposed to be perfect and get everything right. These people stay mad at themselves and feel guilt.
Such people dwell and ruminate on this so called mistake to the point of depression. Again and again, I have suggested to clients and patients, you did the best you could and no one could have known they were going to die when they did. We as human beings do not have omniscience or the ability to know it all: we have limits.
Limits in the Here and Now
Let’s take a different look at limits: the here and now. Very few of us can buy anything someone wants. There are going to be limits to our money and limits to the supply of the hottest gift idea for this Christmas. There are going to be limits to how special this Christmas will be. There are going to be limits to what other people are going to be able to do for us and give us.
Limits are often quiet difficult to accept. No human can do it all, know it all or be everywhere. However many people push their limits in saying to themselves that they should be doing more, or doing it better. Many people also beat themselves up over the stuff they should have known in the past.
Well they can’t and they didn’t and they dwell and fret over manufactured hopelessness and regret; they don’t necessary learn from the mistake or past situation—they just beat themselves up.
Mind you some regret is not bad. We need some regret and guilt to keep our moral compass.
Limits in Grief and Loss
However, not all regret is over moral issues. Much regret is had because we think if we would have known to have done something differently; the outcome would have been differently. Otherwise, some people believe that if they would not have gone home from their dying loved one’s side, they would have been there when that person died.
However, many people assume the truth and believe that they screwed up when there was no right or wrong answer to a situation. People who are perfectionists stay in the grief stage of anger because they do not accept their limits. Perfectionism does not allow you to have limits. You are supposed to be perfect and get everything right. These people stay mad at themselves and feel guilt.
Such people dwell and ruminate on this so called mistake to the point of depression. Again and again, I have suggested to clients and patients, you did the best you could and no one could have known they were going to die when they did. We as human beings do not have omniscience or the ability to know it all: we have limits.
Limits in the Here and Now
Let’s take a different look at limits: the here and now. Very few of us can buy anything someone wants. There are going to be limits to our money and limits to the supply of the hottest gift idea for this Christmas. There are going to be limits to how special this Christmas will be. There are going to be limits to what other people are going to be able to do for us and give us.
Accepting one’s limits can be a relief for some because the act of trying to do it all for everyone is plain slavery. Being able to give yourself the Christmas gift of limits may be one of the healthiest actions you take. Accepting limits may be demonstrated through:
- Not making promises you will not be able to keep
- Not promising to buy gifts you cannot afford
- Not committing to events you do not want to go to
You will likely feel like there is a weight off of your back because you are giving yourself a break.
On the other hand, if you say “I can’t accept my limits because people are expecting stuff of me and they are going to be mad” you may have some work to do. If we accept our limits we may have to set limits with other people. You are correct to say that when we set limits with other people they may get mad.
On the other hand, if you say “I can’t accept my limits because people are expecting stuff of me and they are going to be mad” you may have some work to do. If we accept our limits we may have to set limits with other people. You are correct to say that when we set limits with other people they may get mad.
However, not everyone will get mad because there are understanding people in this world. Some of our family members and friends are very understanding because they appreciate the matter of limits and they cope very well with such matters.
On the other hand, the reality of life is that we all get told no, and we have to tell some people no. A person getting angry because we set limits with them may very well be the one with an anger problem. We have been slaves to that anger problem, but we can set ourselves free by setting limits and letting them be angry—most people do get over the anger.
Surviving the holidays often means accepting limits—both in our past memories of grief and loss and in the here and now. When we accept our limits we give ourselves the credit that we did the best we could then and we at doing the best we can now.
Concluding thoughts:
I hope this helps. Feel free to review past entries to find subjects that you are wanting to read about. If you are have a suggestion for a topic you want an opinion on, put in the comments section. Thanks for reading.
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