Chronic Sorrow versus Grief

Sometimes the bad feeling at Christmas is not grief but chronic sorrow.   Chronic sorrow is essentially pain that returns again and again due to various triggers. Many people have it because the holidays always stink. 

I was introduced to this idea of Chronic Sorrow by Simon Olshansky (1895-1975) this year through some professional education.   Olshansky was a researcher in the rehabilitation field who was actually focused on families with children who have an intellectual/developmental disability.  He defined chronic sorrow as a permanent, ongoing living loss that is progressive, recurring and cyclical.   For Olshansky it is natural for parents of such special needs to have recurring grief when recognizing that a normal child is meeting developmental milestones when their child is not.

     Olshansky’s theory is applicable to many people with recurring holiday grief.  If your family is detached or estranged, there is the likelihood that the feelings of sorrow recur

·         When you hear other people talk about getting together with their families for the holidays

·         When you hear Perry Como sing “There’s no place like home for the holidays.”

·         When you see commercials on TV depicting happy Christmas morning gift exchanges

·         When you go through stores and see things that remind you of the holiday traumas or defunct traditions.

There is a fine line here about being stuck in grief and having chronic sorrow.  Being stuck in grief typically refers to one loss where you continue to put your life on hold around one issue or loss. Yes, it does no good to dwell on the past, but on the other, since we are inundated . . . no make that smothered with the intensity of holiday triggers through messages, sounds, and images, many of us (with otherwise sound coping skills) will feel the emotions of grief whether it is anger or depression.

 The resulting holiday depression can be like the “frog in the kettle” effect where we can get boiled by the water that gradually was raised in temperature.  We realize that it happened after it has happened and not while it is happening.   Before you know it we are pretty emotional or deep in the doldrums.

Well, the question becomes: what do you or I supposed to do about it?    That is purely an existential question, because I cannot tell you what to do about it.   While I can offer you ideas for choices that you can make, I can only make my own choices.

I accept that :

1. There are some who would rather just sit home and be miserable.  They would rather be home either avoiding others or playing a victim role and not really wanting rescue.  
2. There are some who are going to take hold of the day and find meaning and purpose and connection with whomever they can connect.  That is better.
3. There are going to be some who are just going to tolerate the holiday and look forward to January 2 when the holiday season is over for another 10 months until retailers start putting out the Christmas stuff again.

Option #2 is the therapist answer, but the longer I work as a clinical social worker the more I find myself being non-judgmental and accepting of the people who choose option #1 as life is just not that simple.   I affirm that they are making a choice within their own power and self-determination—something most of us want to do.

I have decided at the end of this rumination that mindfulness is probably the best strategy possible in dealing with sorrow.  We often have to recognize our feeling and where it probably comes from and what we can do about it. 

If the sorrow thing fits you in that memories about holiday tragedies and family dysfunctions continue to come up with the different triggers, it is your responsibility as to how you choose to react and how you will choose to spend your time.  

I hope that this helps.  Feel free to look back at the other blog entries to see if there is something you are interested in reading.  If you would like for me to write on a related topic, please make a comment below.