Being Thankful that You Have a Government Mandated Reason to Avoid Your Dysfunctional Family

 

          

 

It is Thanksgiving Day of what has been something of a surreal world filled with drudgery and suffering that has probably not been shared by more people at the same time in this world than any time in human history.   

Yes, there have been world wars but never have so many people across all seven continents have had to take isolation and quarantine precautions due to the pandemic of Covid-19.  According to the World Health Organization, there have been 57.8 million cases of Covid-19 and 1.3 million deaths from it since they started keeping score. (https://www.who.int/publications/m/item/weekly-epidemiological-update---24-november-2020)

We have been strongly encouraged by government officials to practice “social distancing,” which means we are to stay about six feet apart from each other.   The “steps” taken by government officials also has meant shutting down sectors of the economy, which has meant economic hardship for many people who have not worked in “essential” jobs. 

So, many people have been isolated, not being able to go anywhere and stuck in their thoughts about how they are going to make it. Children have been kept home from school and not being allowed to go out and play with friends.  

This blog is more slanted to the United States and North America, but our societal traditions and calendars have been disrupted.  Where I live in Louisville, Kentucky, the Kentucky Derby is normally a rite of the Month of May where the best thoroughbred horses race, and Covid forced that race to run the first week of September on Labor Day.  The National Hockey League played for the Stanley Cup in September.   As I write, the Macys Thanksgiving Parade is going on right now and it just does not seem the same without crowds of people (they hinted that they taped portions earlier in the week in the name of Covid precautions).   Many of our lives go with the rhythm of the calendar and the seasons that Covid has made us feel out of sorts as a society.

That brings us to the holiday season which is supposed to start today.   I debated whether or not to write this year for the few people who have read this including my aunt by marriage. I thought as I was loading the turkey breast into the smoker . . . absolutely, I should write.  This could be the year people read this stuff.

So, it’s Thanksgiving, It’s Covid.  What can you say about a day like this: Why not be thankful you don’t have to see the dysfunctional family today, and put up with their political speeches and awkward questions you don’t want to answer, and unsolicited suggestions?   

I was thinking about that as I was recalling a phone conversation with a family member a few months ago and the family member (probably after a few glasses of wine) was repetitively telling me that my choice for president was a piece of $%*!.  Mind you, I will probably call the family member today and hopefully, the conversation will be polite and end with “We love you.” However, there are people out there who have such a deep-seated painful family history that there is no desire to talk let alone see them on Zoom.

Covid gives people a government-mandated excuse not to see those people, have a controlled conversation and then hang up and go back to binge-watching Netflix, some other streaming video or You Tube.     Maybe that is something to be thankful for?  

Anyway, if this is the first time you have seen this blog, and you are looking for coping or survivng the holidays, feel free to scoll back.  I have written 105 previous posts about many different topics.

I plan to explore grief and loss and loneliness in the next few weeks on this blog.  I would like to encourage you to help me make this viral.  This is not a monetized blog (or at least I don’t think it is) and I am interested in helping as many people as possible in getting through the holidays.

It isn't about you: The avoidant ones we want to talk to.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the United States.  (Canada has its Thanksgiving day the second Monday of October.)  It was created by President Abraham Lincoln to be a day of giving thanks to the “Creator.”   Between Christmas and Thanksgiving, the latter is the preferred gathering day for families.  

Other than eating too much food, families are supposed to have some kind of interaction.  The interaction is where the problem tends to be.  Of course there has been discussion about what happens when people drink too much and say regretful things.  There is little about the avoidant family member who does not talk or shies away from being around family.

The avoidant person may be us.  I do appreciate that given family dysfunction and trauma, some avoidant people have such a strong aversion to being around family in the name of self-preservation and PTSD.   The one staying away may be the one hiding in shame or anger.

      There will be avoidant family members who are reluctantly there but choosing to be avoidant of others because they want to avoid the typical drama.  They don’t want to be around the uncle or other family member who has had two “Rum and Pepsi’s” by dinner and has finished the bottle of rum off by 6pm.  

There are a few who seem to be arrogant.  You go up to them and say hello and they avoid making any kind of response other than a vague utterance and they walk away.   You might try a second time and they repeat what they just did.

However, there are some avoidant family members who are hard to figure out.  They act in such controlling ways that they just do not talk or even return phone calls.  If they come to see others when you are not there or they drive through your city not stopping to say hello.  Maybe you are in their city and you call them to see if you can come by and they tell you that they are sick.   They seem to do everything to be avoidant.

The main question that most ask in response is: why are they doing this?  The answer that many ask in response is “Did I do something?”   They may answer themselves again by saying, “I must have done something or they would not be acting like this.”    They engage in personalization.

Personalization

            Personalization is what has been called a thinking error.  It is taking responsibility for something that is not your fault. Or it may be taking more responsibility for what happened than is yours to take.

            The classic form of personalization that I see in my work is the adolescent to takes it personally that someone insults his or her mother or father or family.  Some insulting peer goes “Your momma” and the personalizing adolescent hits the peer.  The adolescent has taken upon himself or herself that he or she is the defender of the family.

            Another classic form of personalization is to say “I must have done something or they would not have acted that way.”    Maybe someone gives you a dirty look or is rude to you and if you personalize it the conclusion is that you must be at fault for something.

            The reality is that just because someone gives you a dirty look or is rude to you it only means they gave you a dirty look or were rude.  It does not mean that you did anything.   Some people are just rude and give dirty looks.   They did it because they did it.   Neal Peart, the lyricist for Rush aptly wrote in the song Roll the Bones “Why does it happen?  Because it happens.”

Reframing it back to your family

            So, if you are going to be around avoidant family members you can be less distressed by stopping trying to analyze why they are avoidant.  It may be a friendly measure to go up to them and try to have friendly small talk and see if they talk, but if they withdraw, they withdraw.  The avoidant family member is choosing to be avoidant because they are choosing to be avoidant because they are anxious or guarded from previous family spats on the holidays. 

            Just a disclaimer here, if you are going up to the avoidant one  to yell at them, call them something that sounds like “Ice Hole” or tease them for their behavior last holiday, I would not blame them  for avoiding you.    We are not responsible for the feelings and choices of family members, but we are responsible for what we say and what we do and we may get some consequences.

            One more thought about the avoidant family member: they may be a bunch of vacant space not worth knowing.  I have found that many avoidant people are bitter control freaks . . .  nothing more and nothing less.  They control by isolating and they do not let anyone into their lives except for those they can control.  Talking with them is woefully unfulfilling because there is nothing to connect on with them.   

Concluding Thoughts: It isn’t about you.

            It isn’t about you when it comes to the avoidant family member.  Most normal people will talk and make effort to connect with others at family gatherings tomorrow.   If you make an effort to connect with the typically avoidant family member tomorrow and it bombs, at least you tried.   If the avoidant family member otherwise claims that you are in their space or are bothering them, just let them be in their own private world.   There are better things to do with your holiday experience such as being with the family members that want to talk and play than be consumed by the avoidant family member’s reclusiveness.