Needs

 

Beginning note: Today is the beginning of another Advent season.  I was wavering about whether or not to write another year.  I was inspired to write after seeing that 80 people alone looked at this blog the previous month (November 2013).   Within that in mind, I hope that there is something for you to think about . . . benefit from . . . find comfort in . . . and help you live your life.
 

Anyway, the holiday season has effectively been going on for more than one month where I live in Louisville Kentucky USA.  Stores have had Christmas displays set up before Halloween (October 31).  Three radio stations have been playing Christmas music with Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song thrown in for good measure since November 1.  Christmas-themed commercials have been playing for a little bit longer.      I have not exactly found myself too stressed because I have been too busy.

However as Thanksgiving has just passed, Christmas is getting closer.   The intensity has increased with more commercials, more music and more conversations that include discussions about Christmas.  It is inescapable.

The holiday season tends to bring to mind to many of us that we feel empty.  We feel terrible. 

Emptiness—a signal that there is a need

I have been mindful in the past year of the concept of feeling empty.  When we feel empty we feel sad and lost.

Emptiness is not exactly a feeling in itself.  I would say that it is a form of sadness or depression.  It tells us that something is missing.  It tells us that we have a need. 

Maslow tells us that we have several kinds of needs in his “hierarchy.”  We have a need for food and water.  We need security and shelter.  We have a need for belonging.  We have a need for self-esteem.    In his hierarchy, Maslow notes that self-esteem does not matter unless we have food, safety and belonging.   

Depending on the logic you use, Maslow’s theory could be applied to just about any situation.  However, I would add that we have spiritual needs and that our needs change over time.  Furthermore, what meets those needs also changes over time.

Needs change

Through my career as a social worker, I have learned that needs change in our lives as we age, and as our situation changes.   When I was working with geriatric patients, I saw the need for feeling safe and not falling down as one heads to the toilet.  As I currently work with adolescents, I see the primary need to belong and fit in.  

I have seen that my needs have changed throughout my life.  I had certain needs as an adolescent that I do not have in my 40’s.  I have current needs that were not present in my teen years.  It could be good or it could be bad . . . but it is definitely different.

Grief and loss cause a lot of change in terms of “needs”

I have also learned that when someone has a death of a loved one or some other significant loss, they suddenly have unmet needs that they have to identify and figure out how to meet again. 

We live our lives assuming that things will never change.  That is okay because we cannot be distracted from the business that is in front of us. 

However, when the loss happens, we realize a reality that can only come through loss . . . we were getting our needs met in a certain way that cannot continue.  We usually are lost in the shock and later during the anger, bargaining, and depression stages of grief we realize the unmet need.   

Part of the grief recovery in the stage of acceptance, we figure out how to meet the unmet needs again.   Hopefully, when we meet our unmet needs, we move on and our lives are more happy than sad.

Needs are not always needs . . . but are wants in disguise

The reality of life is that not everything we think is a need is a need—this is true in the areas of self-esteem and belonging.   The child wants a new toy that everyone else allegedly has.  The adolescent wants to look like every one of their peers.  Adults have similar needs to adolescents in terms of belonging.

As I have gone on in my life, I have had to admit that what I thought was a need, was really not a need.  I think that the struggle for many people my age (late 40’s) we have beliefs as to what should give us the self-esteem.   We find ways to cope with not having what we feel we should have.  Hopefully, the coping methods and skills are not destructive.  

Coping hopefully allows us to distract our mind from the negative and focus on the positive.  Hopefully, we feel there is something for which to be thankful. 

We often have to reflect on our unmet needs.  We have to evaluate them with the question: Will I die if I do not have this?     I admit that I have had to answer “no” to this question many times.

However, this concept gets tricky when we think to the need for a family.  We do need to have belonging, and Christmas commercials showing family members having a good time remind many of us that we do not have family . . . or are estranged from family.  The catch here is that even if we were with those estranged family members, there would be more pain than benefit.  Sometimes we have to create family to meet the need of belonging.

Fulfillment and contentment—the opposite of emptiness

When we feel contentment and fulfillment, we do not have the feeling of emptiness.  As we have different kinds of needs, we get our sense of contentment and fulfillment from all kinds of sources. 

However, we feel emptiness at different times for different reasons even in a split second.  When we become mindful of a disappointment or a loss our mind can forget the contentment and fulfillment that existed the previous minute.   

All of us have the potential challenge today and this holiday season of quelling the feelings of emptiness.  Maybe we will have to do something to find fulfillment, and maybe we will have to cope with the feeling of emptiness until we find what it is we need and then meet it.

Maybe you can find something to find fulfillment today.  If you are reading this blog for the first time, you are welcome to go back to the previous entries and find things you can use to help you cope today.

May your needs get met today.